Everyone's getting ahead...but me.
Well that's how it feels when you are constantly grinding and grinding and grinding... it feels like everyone else is living the "good life" aka the "champagne life" while you are struggling to make ends meet, find love, do x,y,z.
At least that is how I have felt over these Past 11 years of just existing and getting by. But now my outlook is a lil bit different because I CHOOSE for it to be different and it all started with me looking at the "WO"man in the mirror and making changes that I didn't necessarily want to make but changes that I knew I needed to make if I wanted to change that pic at the top into this pic here:
So I started looking at my situations and my choices for what they were...being honest for the part I played in them and making the necessary adjustments and moving on. And I plan to do the same thing with this assessment.
Lifestyle: I like that I am FINALLY living again and creating a life outside of my normal hustle and bussle...outside of running around Chucky and Chucky's bride.. That I am back to enjoying my own company. I do not like that I really don't have a core group of folks I can hang out with that I really truly trust. I mean I trust them to a certain extent and then yeah...not a lot of them I would totally open up to even though they have opened up to me about their stuff...AND other people's stuff. Then there is the consistency thing. A lot of my adventurous girl homies don't have kids so of course they don't want to be bothered with kids all the time..and sometimes I just can't get rid of them. Then my homies with kids they don't really like doing the same things that I like to do...then finances is an issue.. and well sometimes I feel kinda stuck. Even though I am very happy with going to dinner, movie, etc by myself ( I am loving getting to know me all over again) sometimes I do want to share my company with other people who I don't have to be on guard with.
Work: I like that I have a job. I do not like that my job does not even cover my mortgage.
Education: I like that I have been blessed with the opportunities that I have had. I do not like that I let fear paralyze me, resulting in me losing my spot at Emory University...even though I am grateful for how Howard embraced me, I really believe my life would have been very different had I gone to Emory.
Finances: I like being able to have some money because I know of people with none. I do not like not making enough money to feed my child or to by toilet paper or to buy myself new panties when I want to! (thanks heavens for those years working at Vickis cuz I stocked up)
Health: I am not in a wheel chair. I am not assisted by a seeing eye dog. I am not confined to a bed. I don't like being in pain everyday. I don't like not having adequate insurance to have the tests I need ran to determine what is causing my pain.
Family: My son loves me even when I do not love myself. I do not like the fact that I had to add my niece to my family because her mother/my sister doesn't want her. I do not like that my family likes to expose the people that are trying to do something with their lives and shield and cover for the ones that need some serious help.
Relationships: I like that I am at a point in my life where I am really figuring out who and what is good for me..be it platonic or romantic. I do not like that I may have missed the chance of being loved unconditionally because it took me so long to own up to some of my skeletons.
Sometimes when you have walked with your head hung down for so long, you forget to pick it back up to see that you have actually come a long way. Living, Learning and Seeing.