2010..what a year, what a year

what a mighty good year..(yup reverse psychology)

I really can't complain cuz some of us not even here today that were here just a day, hour, minute, second ago.. so I am doing better than them even with all my troubles. (Still can't believe Teena Marie is gone)



But honestly, when I look back over this year and think about what I set out to accomplish, I am proud. I can honestly say that this is the first year that I didn't let depression consume me. I didn't let all those things I keep tucked in the back of the closet control me. I didn't let rejection keep me from trying again. I didn't let foolish people change me. I didn't let my insecurities and my issues with myself spread hatred to anyone else. I am who I am..and I AM HERE!





I haven't even had the time to go over my blog titles to just understand the magnitude of what I have accomplished this year..but here are the things that I remember...that probably had the most impact:



I survived a year of being a single mother of 2 kids. It wasn't easy but it's getting easier. Each day I am learning to trust others cuz I need all the help I can get with Chucky's Bride. I am learning to accept help from those willing to help. Pride was never a factor, it's just that everyone trying to perform a good deed, not doing it from their hearts. But that's their problem, not mine.



I survived a year of helping my child get through the experience of being sexually assaulted. And while I would never want to go through something like that again, we are better for it. Up until that point I was just really dragging my child along with me as I tried to make things happen. I was always too tired, too on my grind to really have face time with him. Now, I make time for him to snuggle with me even though I am still not comfortable with the touchy feely stuff.....

post interrupted ...now let's fastfoward

It Doesn't Even Matter.....

Whether the box is big or small...

If it's one or two....

A blessing is a blessing...and these right here are my blessings. They may not be what I have dreamed about or what I want, but they are mine and I cherish them.

Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting in my head because I have been too tired to write anything down. My brain won't slow down or speed up, it's just stuck on auto-pilot. I have been dealing with puke and crap for what 3, 4 weeks now? We have been passing this nasty lil stomach bug back and forth and I am absolutely sick of it.

So one day I was in my car and I was close to tears cuz well, things are coming at me fast and all I can do on a good day is find the humor in it and do my best to push through it. My son's adoptive dad, my classmate, is getting married, and while I am ELATED for him, I am a tadbit hurt cuz I had to hear about it via the gossipline. I would have loved to hear it from him especially seeing I had recently talked to him. My child didn't take the news that well...actually he had a mental, emotional, i don't know what it was, breakdown. He started crying and everything talking about how his Uncle not going to have time or space or room in his heart to love him any more. It was while I was holding back my tears, and wiping away his tears that it dawn on me, God had already worked this situation out.

A couple of months ago, one of my co-workers told me that her hubby wanted to be my child's mentor..you know kinda play "family" with my child.. you know try parenting on for size.. and well I didn't mind because I need all the semi-free time I can get..(i don't get these types of requests for my niece) So, even though my child probably won't get as much, or maybe any more face time with his "Unc" he'd already been blessed with someone to kinda fill the void.

Then there is the issue about not having a support system in place for my niece. I mean my son, he gots peeps who are dying to keep him...it's no problem unloading him when I really need to..but her, yeah, that a whole notha' discussion...so as I was getting down about thinking I would never have any more ME TIME, I realized that when I wasn't looking, I had gained a small circle of helping hands for her too. I have 2 people who are always willing to help me out with her so now I have to trust that they will be able to handle her and receive my blessing.

My job is about to end. And well, I don't really have a back up plan....I have a lot of business plans and great ideas floating through my head, but nothing concrete. Well, I have a cake business and lately, I have been pushing it, and people have been receiving it. If all goes well, I can live off selling a couple cakes a week and I even have a restaurant looking at selling my sweets on a regular...

YUP, All the time He is good.

"Sometimes we get frustrated because we believe this person and that person should help us; however, the sooner we realize that no one has to help us and that less than that wants to help us, the faster we will recognize those that are helping us and appreciate that they are a true blessing."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Just When I thought I Was Home Free

I went and hit a line drive right to the out-fielder...well actually it felt more like a foul ball.

I have been acting up over here....putting things in jeopardy that I hold dear. Gots my PIC all wound up and worried. Got the heathen ministering to the somewhat saint (snicker). I know my temptations and so does that DEVIL and lately it seems like my temptation falls into the category of 23yr old men....

Lawd help me....

Not sure why I never completed this one but...um yeah body like whoa...them young boys are really something to look at..

"You can only be tempted by what you desire and it looks like I desire something still wet behind the ears."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Looking Up...

Trying to determine if and when it's gonna stop unloading on me.


So I got extended from September 30th to December 31st at work. On Sept 30th I went to the hospital presenting like I was going to have a heart attack. My pressure was way high. I think it was like 140/82 or something like that. My pressure is normally low. The bottom number is normally like 65.


I missed a week of work...no pay. I was gonna use my week of bedrest to clean my house but instead I had to deal with whiny kids whining about things that didn't concern me. I felt bad because it got to a point where I would simply state to them, "I don't care." And as a parent and an aunt, I guess I should pretend to care even if I really don't.

On September 7th I drove my niece to Chicago so she could be with her Granny that she was crying for and so that her Granny could put her money where her gangsta texts were. I used up my rainy day play money to get her there. On Sept 10th, I made it back East and planned on resting up a lil before I headed back to work, plus my knee looked like a watermelon. On Sept 10th, that night is when I found out my niece was going to be sold or given to a stranger. On Sept 11th, I was back on the road, this time I had to driving 5 hours past Chicago to get my niece from a total stranger...no not her mama. Someone I had met on Twitter had agreed to secure my niece until I got there and for that I am forever grateful. It's funny how majority of my biological family came up with all kinds of excuses of why they couldn't help me rescue their family member and this complete stranger was like, "tell me what you need me to do." The young lady that rode with me to get my niece was really just an acquaintance up until then...yeah, we went to law school together but we weren't really friends...I don't even think we really cared for each other at all. Yet, when I Facebooked that I needed a rider to the Chi' she responded and she drove the 1st 12hours so that I could get some rest. She did what many who claim to have my back, wouldn't.

So since returning, I have been fighting this demon and that demon. Running here and running there. All the while knowing in the back of my mind that I am working on borrowed time. Time is running out even though it feels like it's standing still. December 31st is coming. A new year is about to break and well, I am in a different space but it looks and feel like I am still standing in the same place. I spent up all my rainy day money and savings, saving a child that isn't mind. Ironic or satirical?

I am playing catch up in a race that I am feeling is not mine to run. I keep telling myself that God wouldn't have made a way for me to get her only to have me not be able to take care of her. And I am definitely not going to let my child go without shelter, food and water. If I gots to go cop me some Cindahooka shoes, so be it. I figured I wouldn't be the first person to fall off the pole.

So I am starting an organization, but every time I am supposed to meet with my advisor, something comes up: 105 fever, hives, grown-up threatening my child, diarrhea, no sitter, etc... I am also in the process of marketing and pushing my cake business, please check out my page Tweet's Sweets on Facebook and follow me on Twitter: Tweets_Sweets_ (ps. my Sweets don't just look good, they taste good too)

I gots my Husl'a hat on but honestly, my heart and mind's not feeling this street corner grind any more. I know that change is gonna come. I know that I have to be the change I want to see. I know that that I need to stay focused and prayful. I know that if I believe it, that I can achieve it. I know all of this...but I still don't like it.

My soul wants to quit but my body will continue to PUSH until my last breath has been gasped...

"Pray Until Something Happens...that's all we can do when we are faced with unrelenting adversity, frustration, persecution, trials, and turmoil...forward movement is still progress even if it's a turtle's pace."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

What the F

Fungus, Feces, Foul Smells.... I hate them all!

And I am dealing with them, have been dealing with them for a minute now.. .okay I am lying, I ain't dealing with them, that's the problem. I can't stand fungus and Chucky can't seem to get that in his head. Or is it out of his head cuz he has a lot of fungus in his head! This infestation of ringworm on his body is killing me slowly. He didn't want to listen to me about the nasty lil football helmet so the ringworms we had just gotten rid of came back. Now this child has managed to get them nasty suckers on his back. I guess he believes me now that if he touches it and touches some place else they will spread. I don't do fungus, but I do do bleach. And so think and say what you want, after pouring capfulls of bleach down his back for 3 days them suckers disappeared never to return again. But the hair, well that's not so easy. I tried the bleach, and I am sure it would have eventually worked, but Chucky likes to move and well when the bleach almost went into his eyes, I figured it was time to just put him back on that nasty, liquid medicine. Can't have a blind, fungus boy walking around, now can we?


So while Chucky is walking around with bald patches, Chucky's Bride is pissing and crapping everywhere. I can't win for losing. I am telling you. I don't do feces. I changed my own child with gloves until I couldn't get them free any more and just like that he was potty-trained. So I'm not sure what's really going on with my niece. She had broken out in hives all over her body and then the next day she just started crapping on herself. It's loose so I am sure she has a virus of some sort but this mess has been going on for 2 weeks. She already out of at least 14 pairs of drawls cuz I don't do doodoo. I get them things off her the best way I can without them touching me and straight into the trash the go. Wash, what? I ain't touching them long enough to get them into a washer. And well she started wetting the bed probably the second week she was back from being snatch off the auction block. I can't take all of these foul smells. I have such a sensitive nose.

These things are slowly taking their toll on me. It's a good thing someone gave me a book today on Finding Peace: Letting Go and Letting it Stay There (at least I think that's what the title is..too lazy to go check)


"Sometimes it's the little things that will drive us to drink."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

When Time Stands Still

What do you do? Or I guess the better question is what can you do? You can't hurry it up, and perhaps you shouldn't try to cuz it may make matters worse...and well it's no turning back the hands, so.....

I have been MIA cuz time has been holding me in one place. A place of confusion, frustration and aggravation. A place of anger and distrust and helplessness. A place of feeling lost and all alone. A place that looked familiar but felt ohhh so different. A place that maybe can be is my crossroad, my turning point, my deciding factor of what is it going to be.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed and I am on high alert. Everything I am seeing, feeling, experiencing is almost like deja vu'... I have been here before...well not here, but a lot of the things I am combating, I have fought and battled before...who knows, maybe this is the same war from before...

I have my niece and well I have to get used to the idea that she is mine...or going to be mine...or as much as mine as I can claim cuz there is no one she knows to send her to. My mother, after all of her gangsta texts of what she could do and would do and how I was mistreating my niece because I wasn't giving her sugar folded like a bad poker hand when I drove my niece home to her. But instead of growing that lil jealous girl up and texting me and telling me she had made a mistake and that I had called her bluff, she drove my niece to her mother who had already made it abundantly clear that she didn't want her. (Still not sure what would allow a mother who ain't cracked out to pick and choose which child she gonna keep and love) So my sister made arrangements to sell???/give (not sure got it secondhand, and just like secondhand smoke, it's deadly) her to someone in Tennessee. My niece doesn't know anyone in Tennessee. She barely knew me when I got her...and though I tried to act nonchalant like I didn't care about what happened to her since she didn't come out my twat, I couldn't.

My child who had cheered when I came home to get him with a nieceless car, said, "Mommy, you have to go get her, a stranger will kill her cuz she is crazy." And he was right. I had to go get her cuz if you ain't used to dealing with a child of her magnitude you may black out and come to and find your hands around her neck.

So even though my legs were tired from just driving 12 hours there and 9 hours back to drop her, and I didn't have any leave, or any money, I got on FB and secured me a rider, then I got on Twitter and secured me a plan A and a plan B to get her cuz my sister told me that by Wednesday my niece would be gone forever and she was telling me this on Monday night, so we hopped in the car and drove the 31hrs round trip to get her, and now she's here, with me....

And as my child said, "she gonna be with us forever and ever..."


When we got back, my tire blew and all I could think was "this wasn't how my fairytale was supposed to play out, but things could be worse, my tire could have blown while we were balling through those mountains."


"When your plan doesn't match up with God's plan, He will certainly move things out of the way to get you back on track."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

To Be Continued......

My Hands are Bond

and my heart is slowly breaking....

I am here, if not in mind, at least in body. I have a lot of drama for your mama going on right now. As soon as things simmer down, I will get back to feeding your souls with my tales as I stir these pots... But right now, I am doing more burning than cooking.

I will try and catch up on your blogs this weekend and maybe that will provide me some mental release from this anguish...cuz some of what I am feeling, I can't even put into words.

It's just one of those situations where you just fall on your knees and sob and make noises and sounds that only HE can translate.

Take care of yourselves and each other..

Gotta Luv MOI, cuz I surely do (smooches)

I Think I Can....

But does that mean that I can?



I mean I can only control me and my choices...but what happens when things are out of my hand?



I don't know but lately I have been feeling like I don't know...I have moved from that place I used to hold on to, but I still haven't moved far enough...and YES, it is a freaking process, but still...what if when I get to where I am going and it's still not enough? What if I am still not free...then what?



What if I never am found by the one that is supposed to love me? What if God didn't pick anyone out for me? (It could happen) What if he's stuck in a loveless marriage? What if he dead? What if it's just not meant to be?



What if?



I have to ponder these things...it's the only way realistically that I can stay balanced. Life ain't no fairytale and lawd knows mine ain't been filled with no crystair stair, rail, nail, spoon...And sometimes when you get to the top of a hill you realize that you either got more hills and mountains to go or that you are the last one to get there and the party's about to end.



I don't know what's gotten me in a funk...I went camping this past weekend and had a blast. But as I listened and watched, and watched and listened, I realized there are a lot of unhappy people in this world just trying to make it from hill to mountain and well, I don't want to be one of those people any more. I don't want to fake it til I make it, not with everything and especially not with love.



I want to love whole-heartedly and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be able to say, "Hey, what you did made me very unhappy," and not wonder if he gonna walk away, or worse is he gonna stay and stray. I want to live and not worry about the eggshells I am crushing..





I want, I want, I want....but does that mean it will be?





"What will be, will be whether I choose it to be or not."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

She Made Her Bed Hard

So why can't she lie in it in peace. Why she gots to keep reaching out to me?!? I don't want her friendship. I don't want her trinkets. I don't want her love. AND I shole as heck don't need her mothering.

I just want her to leave me alone. Seriously. Just leave me be to find my way...and if my way should cross paths with hers, so be it, we make amends then and move on. But as of right now, I want her to stop sending me freaky looking texts of her face, of her hair, of her travels, and of her whereabouts. I honestly do not care.

I do not care that she cut her hair, dye her hair or even has hair. Is that harsh? Well, it's the truth. I do not care to share any of my personal tidbits with her about me or my child. Now that I have my niece, she thinks that she has more freedom to collide with my world more often. She is wrong. So, so, so, so, so very wrong. (in my Jill Scott voice, lol)

The line was drawn a long time ago. I never erased it. How dare she cross it without checking to see if it was okay with me. She infuriates me because she is the same, she ain't changed. She still the same ole person just light years older. It's funny cuz sometimes I look at her and see that she too is struggling to grow up that lil scared girl, struggling to find her way...but that ain't got much to do with me. Go head girl, find your way. Get your groove back. Do you. Leave me alone! Is that too much to ask?

She brings a lot of unnecessary drama into my life. Drama messes with my freedom. I don't sugarcoat much, especially not with females. Especially not the ones I am related to. People on the outside looking in would say that she is trying..that she is trying really hard and that I am just being difficult. WRONG. If she was trying, she would just leave me alone and just pray that I come around not try and force herself on me. She ain't about TEAM LUV she ain't NEVER BEEN ABOUT TEAM LUV...and trust me when I tell you that ain't changing over night. That ain't changing when the ink dries on hers and my father's divorce papers. That ain't changing cuz I have my niece. Lawd that probably ain't never going to change.

I didn't wear jewelry...haven't for years. She states, "You never wear any earrings, let me buy you some." I say, "No." Months later I receive some hideous earrings in the mail with this detailed text about how I should keep them even if I don't like them. Huh? Who buys something for someone knowing they ain't going to like it? Who buys contact holders for someone who doesn't wear contacts. And it would be the thought that counts IF she didn't go all out for the gifts she gives my siblings. I remember when I got that contact crap all the stuff she got my brother who was going away to Iraq. She hand picked everything HE LIKED and gave it to him. She sent him care packages of things he liked until he told her to stop cuz his wife was sending him care packages...then she got in her feelings and sent his last care package box to me filled with stuff either I was allergic to or never have liked. But she's trying, right?

I am not that little girl I used to be. Nor am I the grown up version of she. I am so much more ---- better. Yet, I am not the best I can or shall be...but I will get there. I cannot afford to let my mother to take up residence in my intimate space and therefore I will be removing the link that gave her the courage to open up my door and try to walk on in.

My niece has to go back....I am determined to be free.

"There are casualties in war...I am fighting for my Freedom...the quickest and safest way for me to get there is to unload some of this dead weight...don't want my fate to mirror theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Patch it or Let it Burn

I haven't been on here in a minute simply because well.... I don't know. I think I was almost losing that decade old battle and was about to slip into that cloak of darkness. It's comfortable. It's familiar. It's home. And even though I have since relocated to a new address, my body sometimes forget that WE AIN'T DOING THIS NO MORE!

So from time to time, I come by for a visit. Sometimes, I walk right pass without even stopping. Then there are days where I come and I just stare in awe... just total amazement at what went on in that there shack, like I didn't live it or through it, but had just happened to hear about it....like a slave revisiting the plantation he/she used to live on. And other days, I climb the steps, open the door, and fall asleep on the couch.... It's a process.

Well, sometime back when everyone was doing the "challenge" someone presented me with a challenge of my own. They wanted me to fully see what freedom meant for me...what it looked like, what it tasted like, what it smelled like...what was it exactly, cuz my freedom ain't gonna necessarily be your freedom. So, I shot the email to my PIC cuz like I said in her lil tribute, she knows me and she will be brutally honest with me when she is pushed...So she told me that she thought that I really needed to reconcile my relationships with my parents, especially my mother. And well, it was weird because not even 24 hours prior, I was trying to sort out why it would appear that I have forgiven my father when he really was the one that physically and mental abused me and not my mother. So, I knew that she wasn't just shooting straws out of her butt and that she had really thought about the question I had presented her.

I started mentally that day trying to sort out what a relationship with my mother would look like in my freedom. And it's been hard because I have a conflicted soul and heart at times. I am a Christian and I will bust you to the white meat without a moment's notice. But, I am a Christian and what God thinks of me and my actions, do matter. They matter a lot. So, I am torn. I don't love my mother. I don't even like her 98% of the time. I have a very hard time tolerating her. But, I know that I need to honor and respect her. How do you do that with a person when the sound of their voice immediately enrages you? My freedom does not have any space for her.

Is that right? Am I right? Is that my freedom talking, or is that my lil scared girl inside still playing get back and holding on to a lifelong grudge, talking?


I am not sure. But I am not afraid to find out. I am in this for the long haul. I have dug in my heels and made sure they ain't the ones from Payless. This battle has already been won and I am the victor.

All I have to do is HONESTLY, absent of fear and anger, decide whether patching the relationship with my mom will get me closer to my freedom or adding some more gasoline to that already roaring fire and let that bridge burn once and for all.


"Sometimes moving forwards requires you letting go of one rope and swinging to another, and other times it may mean tying a knot at the end and hanging there for a minute."

~Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

From Crack to Quack ~ Happy Anniversary!

So one year ago yesterday, my world changed as I knew it. The last piece of innocence I held on to was taken right from under me. I look back on this year and I have to marvel at my strength. I was taken through the ringer and left on the side of the road to dry. It seemed like I dealt with a different crisis every week. From neverending ringworm to behavior decompensation. I saw it all. I felt it. I went through it. I survived it.

My faith was tested and in the midst of the fire, it grew.

My child is still not 100%. I am still dealing with a lot of the issues that stemmed from his ordeal. However, there are some things that are changing. His demeanor has changed somewhat. He doesn't look so aggressive or so on the defensive when I pick him up after school. It's like he knows he is safe at his new school and that brings me a measure of peace cuz I fight lil kids,even multi-racial ones.

Today is doubly special: It's my 6 month creamy crack free anniversary and my 1 year issues that I can't stuff and gots to pay someone to help me anniversary!

So it has been a year since I picked up the phone and called CQP and honey, I should have followed my 1st mind and kept it moving. It was something about him that told me he would be a hot mess, which is why I didn't call him back. He called me back and asked if I was still interested in him seeing me and my son. I should have told him h e double L NO! But had I done that I probably would still be stressed the heck out and still stuffing any and everything that I came across instead of dealing with it.

He has helped me help myself by being so annoying. I mean all his prying questions. His bad attitude. Sarcasm. His genuineness. All of these things gave me the push I needed to get up, dust myself off, lick my wounds and keep it moving. I wanted to plow down doors just so I didn't have to hear his bootleg analyzing of what my issues were. There were/are a lot of people who felt we were too close and well that could be true but even the fact that I would let someone get so close to me that others would comment is a testament of how much I have changed.

He was the right person for the job, bootleg and all.


I have been natural for 6 months and I can't believe it. I used to have to get a touch up every 4.5 weeks. I laugh every time I think about how "nappy" my hair was with a perm.. Look at me now, these waves will make you love me...no really.

I have grown so much with my hair. I still hate wet hair, but I see the world differently. I feel as spunky as each curl. I know that some days will be straight, uneventful, and others will be non-stop action with twist and turns every which way, and still some will start off uneventful and wind up being all over the place, and finally, some will just be rough around the edges because it be's that way sometime....kinda like my life : )

So enjoy the pics of me and my growth:

"Resilience is something that keeps me coming back for more...(yup a sucka for punishment) Endurance is something that keeps me staying the course (too headstrong to quit) and LUV is something that keeps me from killing those that have made my journey unpleasant at times (I secretly love my freedom)."

~Gotta Luv moi, I surely Do (smooches)

Just got it chopped off




Day 2 oooh look at them naps lol




2 months of growth
















It's official, I bes that attorney...told yah I looked fly



Look at all that hair...

All Rise

Hear Ye' Hear Ye' the month of September is going to be a month of celebration for Luv and what a way to kick off the month!

Today, Sept 1, 2010 I finally decided to make it 100% official and put that Esquire behind my name. Yup, today after 2 years of dragging my feet and trying to sort out the mess, I swore in as an attorney.

Next stop Supreme Court Justice...

... yeah, they ain't ready for me....I gave them 2 years to get ready and they still ain't ready. Oh, well, I can't wait any longer....the stage is almost set and I'm ready to take center stage.

"Sometimes in life, we will have to decide what's right for us and when it's right for us even if it's the unpopular choice, it's what separates the leaders from the puppets."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

ps: I was the flyest thing in that court room #realtalk (pics soon come)

From Strip Tease to Butterball...

Yup, Butterball Naked.. cuz I'm so Juicy I can't stand myself...(lol)

So you asked a question...and well you've asked this question a time or two before...I'm starting to think you are on to me...either that or you don't like my answers...hmm, either way I am gonna answer this question for the last time.

That's right, I'm gonna stop flashing you and disrobe already.

I know it shouldn't matter...that you shouldn't matter...but it does and you do. Not really in the grand scheme of things but for right now...in this here moment...it's critical that I see things as they are and not as they should I want them to be.

I know that my perception has been tainted and my heart has been harden. I know the spectacles I peer out of have been smudged by the filth I have encounter throughout my short life. I know that my experience is not common nor is it extraordinary. I know that I am like a faucet: hot and cold....but with the right mixture I can be warm. I can be balanced. I can find that middle ground that allows me to still love while being guarded enough to protect myself from those scumbags that are lurking, lying in wait, hoping, praying that I slip up...that I forget what dangers are out there waiting to devour me.

The problem with viewing the world through dirty glasses is that everything you look at becomes distorted...even you.

So when I looked in the mirror, a lot of what I saw wasn't really there shouldn't have been there. But because of where I had been, what I had been through, what I had seen, heard, felt...it was there...and it wasn't a pretty sight. It was hard to take in, so much so that I stopped looking. I covered mirrors, I avoided looking into anything that would show my reflection...it got to a point that I just walked with my head hung low or my eyes diverted downward...found a lot of loose change this way and also made friends with others in the same predicament.

The thing about hanging out with people who think and see things the way you do when you are down and out is this: advancement out of your rut is almost impossible. Everyone is just as disillusioned as you are.

So it matters because in my mind, you have on rosy colored glasses. You see things as half full (it really doesn't matter) and think every situation can potentially be a good situation. So, if you saw me the way that I initially saw myself then that would have been a devastating blow to my blueprint of advancement...to my growth...and yes, to my ego. (cuz I got a big ego)

If you thought I was ugly, worthless, a bad parent or unlovable I don't think I would have proceeded with my journey or tried as hard as I did to make great strides. I was counting on you to show me my true colors...to wipe away all the semi-permanent debris that had attached itself to my lens.

I was counting on you to tell me that my light was out and not only suggest that I turn it back on but for you to make me turn it to highbeams. (I shouldda did my background check in the beginning and not on the tail end...that would have saved me a whole lot of waiting and counting on)

So to put it plainly: I wanted to see the me that you saw because the visions stored in my head had to go, so what you thought, what you saw and what you said, mattered a great deal

"Birds of a feather flock together, just be careful that you aren't an eagle flying with pigeons."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

When It's All Said And Done

I want what you want...



Some days I want it more than you...



And other days, not so much.

I want to be free!


Free from it all...


It's a reason I always smile when I go to Chele's blog. It's something about her tattoo that instantly reminds me what this journey is all about. Yes, it's about love. About Luv finding the love that she needs I need to maintain a balanced outlook on life. But, it's about so much more.

It's about me turning back the hands of time, trying to correct some wrongs, trying to lick some wounds, and bury some bones once and for all.

It's about me releasing some things that I had been hanging on to like my life depended on me being able to whip out the fragments of my heart at a moment's notice to prove that it had been broken.

It's about me choosing to change my ways...not because someone else said that I should but because I had decided that it was time... because I had decided to look in the mirror, into the windows to my soul and see what was really there and not alter or change my perception to make the experience more comfortable for me, or for those around me.

It's about me coming to terms with my Past....Healing my Present...So that I can receive my Future.

It's about me stepping forward on faith and nothing else and knowing that when the last post has been posted for this here blog that I will know without looking back to previous posts that it had all been worth it.

It's about me redefining who I am based on who I want to be in the Present and not who I was destined to be in the Past.

It's about love. That sweet, sweet feeling that will have you all knotted up when you think that you have pushed it away for the very last time and will have you smiling from ear to ear when you realize that it's come back to you stronger than ever.

It's about me peering into the faces of those that have hurt me, wronged me, deserted me, hated me, hated on me, used me and me not feeling obligated to feel anything but peace and joy. And possibly a lil pity because they are missing out on a good thing. Nope, a great thing. I am the best me there is....NO ONE can do what I do with what I do it with on a daily basis... I marvel at God's favor in my life and I am so thankful that I have realized how much He has blessed me before I closed my eyes for the last time.

See, I used to focus on what I didn't have, what I couldn't afford, what I wanted to do instead of being content with what I did have, what I could afford and what I had done. I don't think I have made more than 20,000 in a year yet; nevertheless, I have visited over 15 countries and purchased my first piece of property before I turned 25.

It's about me being comfortable in my own skin regardless of how uncomfortable the current situation may be...it's about me never feeling I have to dim my light because it's outshining those around me. It's about me being proud of my accomplishments and of my success. It's about me realizing that I deserve every little bit of the pie that I get.

It's about me feeling so secure in what I am bringing to the table that I don't even let the knuckleheads that ain't worthy of my time or my dime get a whiff of what I'm cooking with. It's about me knowing that I deserve the house, the fence, the garage, and the stay-at-home dad (I mean somebody gots to watch them kids)

It's simply about me doing me and doing the things that bring me joy.

So, when it's all said and done, I will have experienced so many blissful days that I won't even be able to remember what a bad day looked like, let along felt like.

"The ability to be me no matter the second, minute, nor hour is oh so freeing ~my freedom"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

3~ My Favorite Place

It's something about this place that just soothes my spirit and calms my soul... I love me some it..and it loves me

I was unstoppable, unmovable, unshakable.....

I was happy, confident, and determined

I soared freely in this CITY...

This City knows how to keep the fat girl living inside of me happy at all times.

This City kinda reminds me of me, it has two extremes: a bitter winter and a scorching summer


This City prepared me for greatness and it will always be my home

And they ain't never lied.....

CHITOWN HOMIES ARE THE CRAZIEST!!!!

"Sometimes holding on to the Past helps you remember that what once was, can be again..."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

2 ~Your Aspirations

I know it's probably weird that I chose to do this challenge backwards, but I wanted to go through the deep stuff first cuz I aspire to be emotionally full before 2011 sneaks in...

And for me that means tackling the hard, heavy, make you pause and ponder for a moment or two, situations head on.

I have a lot of things in the works. I am setting my stage for greatness, but before I can take my place at center stage, I must, I must, I must shake off these last couple of shackles that are holding me in bondage, depriving me of my total freedom.

I aspire to be totally open with myself at all times regardless of how it makes me feel. I aspire to process my emotions in a more healthy manner. I aspire to own a house big enough for me to hide from Chucky and CsB (if she still here). I aspire to launch an organization that will help eradicate some of the atrocities I see today. (haha, that said a lot and at the same time nothing). I aspire to become a better parent...even though I tell my child that I am the best, I am not. I have a lot of areas that need improvement, and well I am down (or is it up) for the challenge.

I aspire to be the love that I am searching for...

I aspire to swing through life like it's been handed to me on a silver platter even when my world has been turned upside down.

"The difference between aspiring and achieving is taking the next step...forward movement."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

1 ~ Allow Me 2 Introduce Myself

(yup I have finally found the challenge and decided to do it, but I am going to do it in reverse, only switching #1 with #30)



My name is LUV...it used to be Later4 LUV, but now that I am actively seeking love, I had to do a Common and drop the Later4.



I am transitioning, transforming, reinventing, tossing out, and making anew. I am defining who I am and what I am while silencing all the lil voices around me that are trying to deposit their two cents into my life without being asked.



I am really a lover...not a fighter, but I have had to fight all my life and in turn, bury my loving side. I am in the process of growing up that scared little girl that resides in me.


I am a writer a baker a cook a mother a sister a daughter an aunt I am the best friend a person could ask for I am a procrastinator I am a motivator I am an early bird I am a homebody I am a crier I am a hugger I am perfectly imperfect



I have been through a lot and that has shaped and defined my story, but now I am ready to start shaping and defining my own story.

"Circumstances and experiences are the results of choices, I made some poor choices which lead to some very unpleasant experiences and uncomfortable circumstances, my setbacks are the fuel that is launching this comeback ~choices"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Updates, Rants, Vents, Etc...

I am a star...

Yup, a Supastar. I had forgotten this...but now that it's back on my heart and in my mind, I am gonna hold on tight to it.

I have been moving and a shaking and a shaking and a moving AND crying. Yes, lawd, I have been crying and it feels good. It feels good to be able to release those toxins. Next big challenge is to cry in front of CQP...we shall see..

I have been successful with keeping up with my outward transformations. I am more comfortable now with applying makeup to this already gorgeous face. I still am however trying to figure out how to keep it from running down my face when I sweat. I am still not a huge fan of makeup but, I don't totally hate it any more. So I have made it my goal to apply some type of color to my face at least twice a week. I still have been accessorizing... as much as I can. My ears started to react to my earrings ~ see I am allergic to everything but solid gold but I can only afford chinastore gold...so I had been coating the earrings with clear polish which normally works, I guess it may be time to apply another coat.

I have been wearing my feet out despite all that chatter that my PIC has been keeping up. This is a huge accomplishment...and I can't wait until next summer. Them bad boys gonna have a fierce tan they gonna be out so much.

I am in the process of setting my schedule up for the upcoming school year. I have decided that I am really gonna focus to spend more face time with my child. I am really going to make sure he understands he is a priority in my life. I am also going to have to limit my time on my various social networks. It's getting out of hand for me. So, I will only FB and Tweet before 6:30 pm, after that it's a wrap. I will be busy with prepping dinners and doing homework and getting caught up on personal enrichment like personal study and reading, in between running from this practice to the next.

I have faced a lot of roadblocks and I know that I am so much better for facing them than stuffing them or avoiding them. I have changed so much. I know that I am not the same person I was when I started this blog and I know that I will definitely not be the same person when I finish.

I am setting the stage for my greatness. I am preparing myself for my King. I am enjoying my life and taking time out to smell the roses and enjoy sunsets. I am living!

"Sometimes the only thing you can do in life is to 'just keep swimming' and hope that when it's all said and done that even if you went 'over' when you were supposed to go 'through' that it all turned out A-okay in the end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Half-a-dozen In One

..... And 6 in the other

People are always going to see things differently. I can't control that...and well, I am not going to worry about it. I can't. This isn't about them, they can't walk in my shoes. They can't give me that time back. They can't heal me. They can't make me whole. And sadly, they may never understand where I am coming from, or where I need to go.

I want to be free....I shall be free!

So, I contacted the RAPIST. It's so releasing to say those words. And to say them to the person that caused me to hate all men, women, children, living and non-living things...what a rush. Not like walking around the rim of "that big hole," but a rush nonetheless.

I really had nothing prepared....had no expectations outside of that I didn't want to run. I didn't want to shy away from whatever I was feeling in the moment. I wanted to know, without having to question over and over years from now, that I was okay with this. That I wasn't selling myself a wooden nickel. I mean if I am going to do this journey and revisit all the hurts, pains, truths, etc, I might as well do it 110% or there is no reason for me to do it.

When I said I was sick and tired of being in this rut and finding myself back in the same valley with the same bitter, never-want-to-see-anyone-get-ahead people, I meant it. I am tired of being handed the same test and receiving the same grade. I am READY for the next course.


So it has taken me 10 years to get the validation that I needed to be at peace with myself...but I have it. It wasn't so much in the words he spoke, because that joker needs some help. He needs God's mercy. He needs to pray that I NEVER stop walking with God. But it was something about him admitting that he raped me...something about him saying the words that caused the dams to my soul to erupt.

I knew I had been raped. I knew I had said, 'no.' I knew that he had heard me. I knew that I didn't lead him on. I knew that I didn't deserve to be treated like that....but there was this twinge of doubt. This spot of uncertainty...because why would someone be so cruel to me when I had never done anything to them. So, maybe I had consented and not realized it...maybe I just felt guilty about giving in and wanted to ease my conscience...maybe...I don't know...but the fact that my mind wasn't buying into the madness let me know that there was no maybe nothing!

Listening to this fool pluck at straws and trying to turn the tables and have me made to be the culprit was...I don't know... Most of the time I didn't even have any feelings. I was so detached and so in awe and so stuck on the fact that all this time I had been stuck and afraid and doubtful and so not myself for someone and something that was so not worth avoiding for ten years. I mean here it was this joker was telling me AFTER I told him that I had hated myself instead of him for ten years for allowing him to rape me that he had been thinking about me, wondering what happened to us, and now he was hoping that we could work on being something.

PAUSE...yeah you read right.

This fool went on and on about how he had a right to redeem himself....to work things out... to make amends...to make things right...and that I owed it to OUR dead son to give him that chance. That I was brought back into his life for a reason and he was willing to do whatever he could right now in the present to make it right...to restore our relationship. And after I laughed at him, he switched it and said that I was wrong because I messed with his brother. I was wrong that I kept it from him that I was pregnant with his child. That I was wrong for rolling in his shop and playing his face in front of his boys and then playing his face on the street the next day. That I had him thinking all these years that he was crazy.

I am thinking that this ninja should know without a doubt that he is 10 shakes pass crazy if he thinks I owed him anything beside a bullet to his head...either one.

I may never ever get complete closure but what I got is enough to let this wound finally close and heal properly. I have taken that scab off for the last time...and the tears that flowed the moment I disconnected the call let me know that I am more than okay...I am like Johnny 5; I Am Alive! The fact that I wanted and acknowledged that I wanted to be comforted by the human touch...human voice and not by baking soda let me know that I am ready to trust and ready to let all sorts of people in. The fact that I could not get in touch with anyone and that I still didn't "take to the box," let's me know that I am ready to release myself from that addiction. The fact that I did not shy away from what I felt or mince my words or take on any of the exchange of energy he was trying to throw at me, let me know that this growth that everyone is seeing isn't a fad. The fact that I got up this morning after only 2 hours of sleep with a smile on my face and a pep in my step, let's me know that I am finally free of that valley and I am anxiously awaiting my ascent to the top of the mountain cuz I have truly found my wings with this long overdue dose of FREEDOM.


"Sometimes you have to stand in the fire in order to put it out, suffering minor injuries, while saving your life."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

This Is Dedicated to You ~ Slim Bucket

For almost 11 years now, I have been hating myself instead of hating you.

Hating you for all that you put me through.

Hating you for all that you took from me.

Hating you for what you made me become.

Hating you for being the dirt bag, slime bucket that you are.


But today, I want to thank you. Today, I have to thank you...it's only right. Because of you, I really know who I am and what I am made of.

I remember everything about that night; even after all the nights of me trying to erase it from my mind...trying to change the events...trying to make it so everything would be right...would be fine in my world. But things weren't fine. Things weren't right.....

I wasn't fine.

I wasn't right.

But, it wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. You did. You not only violated and betrayed me, but you destroyed my trust. And for the longest time, I thought you had broken me. That the me who I was, was dead and gone. And to a certain extent, that is true, cuz now I am stronger, I am wiser, I am standing, and I am here. And I am better than I was before.

I know without a doubt that God did not make me to be broken. I have faced the 'worse' thing that could happen to me, and I am still going. Yeah, it made me stumble, and I sat down on the ground, and I wanted to stay there...but God wouldn't let me...my journey was not done...I still had a story to tell....I still had a life to live.

But, I was still being me..still trying to sort out the blame..still trying to be in control...still trying to go through the motions like everything was okay...still refusing to release myself from the blame and shame that I owned that so rightfully belonged to you.

But no more.

I want to thank you for being the coward you were because I pray that after 11 years you have also grown. I want to thank you for taking away my fear of men that had been thrust upon almost as violently as the fear was taken away. I want to thank you, for had it not been for your sickness, I would never really know what type of person I really am...I also wouldn't have been prepared to handle my child's situation.

I am more than a victim.

I am more than a survivor.

I am the captain of my ship and I choose to sail on and focus on the silver lining and blue skies in front of me.


"Even in the midst of destruction, persecution, trials and tribulations, failures, and victimization one can find beauty and a reason to keep pushing, and not give in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

What's Love Got To Do With It

I think Tina said it best, "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

I have been trying to blog but my internet connection keeps going down and every time it comes back up, something else is on my heart to blog about. So instead of blogging about my unmet emotional needs, I'm gonna talk about love and how this new fangle thing being categorized as love is driving peeps over the edge.


So today at work I was informed that Ms. Tasia had possibly tried to kill herself. It was really eerie for me because I was feeling some kinda way today. My heart was heavy and I don't know why...it could be cuz I had to fuss with Chucky all the way to his drop off point for camp. I just don't know. Or cuz some of my family are showing their tails on Facebook. But anywho, when I got to work, I logged onto Pandora and my Usher station was playing and I was like, 'I ain't feeling him today...today I need some Tasia' and it was while I was listening to her that my coworker asked if I had heard the news. I must have googled and read over 50 articles before it sunk in...she was gonna end it over a guy..or his wife..

Now I ain't judging her, I am feeling her. I have been there before. I have been so down and out and so head over heals for a piece of man that when I saw the trees without all the smoke, I was devastated...I was so emotionally and mentally drained from the relationship and everything that was going on in my life that I was just tired and was like death has to be better then this. It was like I couldn't win for trying. I was bad off if I did and bad off if I didn't.

I remember the first time I had the privilege to see Ms. Tasia live and got to meet her. It was at her final DC performance in the Color Purple. I remember how out of all the people reaching for her, she came up to me and embraced me. I remember our conversation...me asking her to drop another album because I was going through some things.. I told her last albums helped me get through some rough times...I told her that she needed to do another relationship song about leaving someone that ain't right for you but you steady wanting to go back. I remember telling her how pretty she was and asking how on earth she ever thought she was ugly.. I remember her smile and her eyes swelling up like mine. I remember her embracing me one last time before her bodyguards took her away. Then I told y'all how she song to Celie me at her Richmond concert.


So it's safe to say that I feel a connection with her. Actually her performance of I Am Beautiful and I Am Here in the play is what moved me to start this journey of self-love, self-discovery, and self-worth. She has helped me in ways I will never be able to explain....helped me to see what love and beauty really is...

I have learned that love does not hurt, it does not hold grudges, it does not place on pedestals, it does not judge, it does not place blame, and it surely doesn't break hearts.

"Just because it looks like LOVE and feels like LOVE doesn't mean that it is LOVE. LOVE mends broken hearts and broken wings, allowing us to love and fly again."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Letting it Flow

And letting it go......

It's a scary kind of refreshing, to just not really care about the small stuff. You know the stuff that makes you second guess and question everything.

You know the stuff that ends friendships and destroys marriages....

Stuff that if kept in will have you popping lots and lots of pills before you are old...

Yup, that's the kinda stuff I have been discarding from my life. And it's funny cuz some of the stuff I had to step out of the 'limelight' to do. You know, I had to leave my surroundings and the "imaginary" glaring eyes to do.

So when I tell you this road trip was good for me, it was good for me. I am at peace with a lot of things. I see some things a lot clearer. I made some leaps and bounds. I had been transforming for a minute, but the fact that I changed my surroundings allowed me to make some transformations rather quickly without being under the scrutiny or watchful eye of my posse'.

I didn't have to hear, 'oh, look at you, is that this or that you wearing or got on?' I just did it and got to decide for myself whether I liked or did not like the transformation. And since no one outside of the four that traveled with me, knew me, the responses I received from them were at least based on nothing I had done in the Past.

I had never been a girly girl, and to tell you the truth, I still ain't. I used to hate any and everything associated with being a girly girl: glitter, makeup, purses, accessories, if Barbie has it, I hate it (except Ken, I love me some Ken).

Well, the entire time I was away, I wore some type of makeup (yup, sure did). Now I ain't saying that I always looked on point, cuz some days it looked like I was a Vegas act, but, it was a learning experience and I felt good regardless of how it looked to me....and the fact that I was hit on several times everyday, I am guessing it wasn't that bad. I also wore accessories, even went out and bought some while on my trip. I have to be honest, I am not really feeling the bows in the hair, but I will give it a few more tries before I bail. I have also been wearing my feet out with a fresh pedicure, even got designs on the big toes. I am soooo against designs on my feet, just cause more people to look at your toes...but I did it and guess what...I liked it. With each passing day, my feet looked less and less like bear claws and more like regular ole feet.

Since I have been home, I have been keeping up with the self-motivated make-over and let me tell you, it has paid off. I have found myself in situations where I was glad that I didn't look like I had just rolled out of bed...like the time I went to my child's camp and this 23 yr old with a body like #whoa was all in my face....then some of the officers who were throwing a cookout at the camp made sure I got what I wanted first. But the true test will be this week, cuz it's back to work and back to my old environment, and well, you know some habits die hard....

But I didn't come this far to just roll over and play dead!

"Sometimes you have to allow yourself space and time to change and grow...sometimes you have to go somewhere new to get that fresh start you are looking for."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Why Do Good Things Have To Come To An End

Life is funny...well at least my life. It seems as if every time I learn a lesson, my knowledge and skill sets are put to test, immediately. So just a couple of days ago, I learned and lived the lesson that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself and that sometimes I have to sit in uncomfortableness to free myself from bondage.

Well not even a week later, I am going to have to prove that I am okay with sitting in my own uncomfortableness and that I am really willing to push through it to get to the other side: freedom.

I don't know. Well, I do know, but I don't want to do what I know I have to do. I want him to continue holding and guiding me by the hand. I want him to continue to spoil me with unlimited access (not) and what I hope is genuine concern. I want to keep him in my life cuz he makes it okay for me to sleep without a nightlight. I want to keep him cuz it allows me to be lazy when I am tired of trying. I want to keep him cuz well secretly I love him. Not like a woman loves a man...well maybe.. but just like I love him...probably like how I love my ACE, cuz I know he gots my back.

And maybe that's it, I know that he has my back and well, I miss having someone close by that is really supportive of me that has nothing to gain. He doesn't really gain from me succeeding...actually, he would probably benefit more if I didn't. But nonetheless, it seems as if we have reached a crossroad where I can no longer lean on him as a crutch.

It's bittersweet. I won't lie. I want to find an excuse, any excuse to keep him near but, I know it is time for me to walk a little on my own. I don't like it...not one bit, but I know that I am stronger...I am better...I am ready for whatever..I just wasn't ready for this...but it's safe to say I wasn't ready for his introduction into my life either...such is life.

"Life isn't fair, sometimes it's down right cruel, but seeing how we are only get one life to live, it's better to roll with the punches than waste time complaining about how and when they coming."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ( smooches)

Stepping Pass Uncomfortable

So I stood at the edge of the hole...no not like these fools. I stood at an edge where if I stumbled, got woozy, tripped, or just plain on fainted, somebody, anybody could possibly have a chance of reaching over and saving me.



I am was afraid of heights. Something I inherited from my mother...and when I say inherited, I mean thrust upon me; I think the same way it was thrust upon her and so on and so forth.


Well, let me tell you, when I got off that bus and stood at the edge and look out into the Grand Canyon, I was in awe...it was humbling...but then as I began to walk the path, I began to hear a voice in the back of my head tell me that I wasn't safe and that I should be scared... and with each step up the trail, it whispered that I should not only be scared but that I should be PETRIFIED... and well for a moment ( a good moment) I listened to this voice and I started feeling my legs get weak and I retreated off the path into the woods...guess what, this put me higher than when I was just walking the path...there was a point where I was actually on all four (praying nobody photographed me). And then it happened...


Girl the voice started screaming 'you gonna fall, your child gonna fall, everybody gonna fall, you not safe, go back' and Honey, let me tell you, I wanted to go back down the path, but that would mean, um literally going down the path and I figured going down would be worse than going up and plus I was already more than half the way to the next pit stop. I looked around and nobody, I mean nobody was falling. Not even the idiots that should have fell. You know the ones who had left the path to stand on the edge of the rocks and who were bouncing literally on the edge.

Well, it took me a second to convince myself to stand up, but I got back to standing on twos. I then told myself, outloud, "You can do this..You can overcome this...There is nothing to fear but fear itself." And then I took a step and another and another..and there were moments where I was a little shaky and moments where I had to stop and regather myself, but I was determined to finish what I had started. The more I talked to myself, the more I drowned out that little voice. And the more I drown it out, the less afraid I became. Sure, I was very uncomfortable being over 8,000 feet in the air on top of a big hole with no guard rails, but, I was no longer paralyzed by fear. There were even moments where I snuck a couple of peeps over the edge, and guess what?

I am Still Standing and still moving forward!

"Sometimes we have to experience brief uncomfortableness to free ourselves from a lifetime of fear and pain....pushing through and pushing forward and loving it."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)