Monday, December 27, 2010
what a mighty good year..(yup reverse psychology)
I really can't complain cuz some of us not even here today that were here just a day, hour, minute, second ago.. so I am doing better than them even with all my troubles. (Still can't believe Teena Marie is gone)
But honestly, when I look back over this year and think about what I set out to accomplish, I am proud. I can honestly say that this is the first year that I didn't let depression consume me. I didn't let all those things I keep tucked in the back of the closet control me. I didn't let rejection keep me from trying again. I didn't let foolish people change me. I didn't let my insecurities and my issues with myself spread hatred to anyone else. I am who I am..and I AM HERE!
I haven't even had the time to go over my blog titles to just understand the magnitude of what I have accomplished this year..but here are the things that I remember...that probably had the most impact:
I survived a year of being a single mother of 2 kids. It wasn't easy but it's getting easier. Each day I am learning to trust others cuz I need all the help I can get with Chucky's Bride. I am learning to accept help from those willing to help. Pride was never a factor, it's just that everyone trying to perform a good deed, not doing it from their hearts. But that's their problem, not mine.
I survived a year of helping my child get through the experience of being sexually assaulted. And while I would never want to go through something like that again, we are better for it. Up until that point I was just really dragging my child along with me as I tried to make things happen. I was always too tired, too on my grind to really have face time with him. Now, I make time for him to snuggle with me even though I am still not comfortable with the touchy feely stuff.....
post interrupted ...now let's fastfoward
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Not sure why I never completed this one but...um yeah body like whoa...them young boys are really something to look at..
"You can only be tempted by what you desire and it looks like I desire something still wet behind the ears."
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Trying to determine if and when it's gonna stop unloading on me.
So I got extended from September 30th to December 31st at work. On Sept 30th I went to the hospital presenting like I was going to have a heart attack. My pressure was way high. I think it was like 140/82 or something like that. My pressure is normally low. The bottom number is normally like 65.
I missed a week of work...no pay. I was gonna use my week of bedrest to clean my house but instead I had to deal with whiny kids whining about things that didn't concern me. I felt bad because it got to a point where I would simply state to them, "I don't care." And as a parent and an aunt, I guess I should pretend to care even if I really don't.
On September 7th I drove my niece to Chicago so she could be with her Granny that she was crying for and so that her Granny could put her money where her gangsta texts were. I used up my rainy day play money to get her there. On Sept 10th, I made it back East and planned on resting up a lil before I headed back to work, plus my knee looked like a watermelon. On Sept 10th, that night is when I found out my niece was going to be sold or given to a stranger. On Sept 11th, I was back on the road, this time I had to driving 5 hours past Chicago to get my niece from a total stranger...no not her mama. Someone I had met on Twitter had agreed to secure my niece until I got there and for that I am forever grateful. It's funny how majority of my biological family came up with all kinds of excuses of why they couldn't help me rescue their family member and this complete stranger was like, "tell me what you need me to do." The young lady that rode with me to get my niece was really just an acquaintance up until then...yeah, we went to law school together but we weren't really friends...I don't even think we really cared for each other at all. Yet, when I Facebooked that I needed a rider to the Chi' she responded and she drove the 1st 12hours so that I could get some rest. She did what many who claim to have my back, wouldn't.
So since returning, I have been fighting this demon and that demon. Running here and running there. All the while knowing in the back of my mind that I am working on borrowed time. Time is running out even though it feels like it's standing still. December 31st is coming. A new year is about to break and well, I am in a different space but it looks and feel like I am still standing in the same place. I spent up all my rainy day money and savings, saving a child that isn't mind. Ironic or satirical?
I am playing catch up in a race that I am feeling is not mine to run. I keep telling myself that God wouldn't have made a way for me to get her only to have me not be able to take care of her. And I am definitely not going to let my child go without shelter, food and water. If I gots to go cop me some Cindahooka shoes, so be it. I figured I wouldn't be the first person to fall off the pole.
So I am starting an organization, but every time I am supposed to meet with my advisor, something comes up: 105 fever, hives, grown-up threatening my child, diarrhea, no sitter, etc... I am also in the process of marketing and pushing my cake business, please check out my page Tweet's Sweets on Facebook and follow me on Twitter: Tweets_Sweets_ (ps. my Sweets don't just look good, they taste good too)
I gots my Husl'a hat on but honestly, my heart and mind's not feeling this street corner grind any more. I know that change is gonna come. I know that I have to be the change I want to see. I know that that I need to stay focused and prayful. I know that if I believe it, that I can achieve it. I know all of this...but I still don't like it.
My soul wants to quit but my body will continue to PUSH until my last breath has been gasped...
"Pray Until Something Happens...that's all we can do when we are faced with unrelenting adversity, frustration, persecution, trials, and turmoil...forward movement is still progress even if it's a turtle's pace."
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Fungus, Feces, Foul Smells.... I hate them all!
And I am dealing with them, have been dealing with them for a minute now.. .okay I am lying, I ain't dealing with them, that's the problem. I can't stand fungus and Chucky can't seem to get that in his head. Or is it out of his head cuz he has a lot of fungus in his head! This infestation of ringworm on his body is killing me slowly. He didn't want to listen to me about the nasty lil football helmet so the ringworms we had just gotten rid of came back. Now this child has managed to get them nasty suckers on his back. I guess he believes me now that if he touches it and touches some place else they will spread. I don't do fungus, but I do do bleach. And so think and say what you want, after pouring capfulls of bleach down his back for 3 days them suckers disappeared never to return again. But the hair, well that's not so easy. I tried the bleach, and I am sure it would have eventually worked, but Chucky likes to move and well when the bleach almost went into his eyes, I figured it was time to just put him back on that nasty, liquid medicine. Can't have a blind, fungus boy walking around, now can we?
So while Chucky is walking around with bald patches, Chucky's Bride is pissing and crapping everywhere. I can't win for losing. I am telling you. I don't do feces. I changed my own child with gloves until I couldn't get them free any more and just like that he was potty-trained. So I'm not sure what's really going on with my niece. She had broken out in hives all over her body and then the next day she just started crapping on herself. It's loose so I am sure she has a virus of some sort but this mess has been going on for 2 weeks. She already out of at least 14 pairs of drawls cuz I don't do doodoo. I get them things off her the best way I can without them touching me and straight into the trash the go. Wash, what? I ain't touching them long enough to get them into a washer. And well she started wetting the bed probably the second week she was back from being snatch off the auction block. I can't take all of these foul smells. I have such a sensitive nose.
These things are slowly taking their toll on me. It's a good thing someone gave me a book today on Finding Peace: Letting Go and Letting it Stay There (at least I think that's what the title is..too lazy to go check)
"Sometimes it's the little things that will drive us to drink."
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I have been MIA cuz time has been holding me in one place. A place of confusion, frustration and aggravation. A place of anger and distrust and helplessness. A place of feeling lost and all alone. A place that looked familiar but felt ohhh so different. A place that
I am tired. I am overwhelmed and I am on high alert. Everything I am seeing, feeling, experiencing is almost like deja vu'... I have been here before...well not here, but a lot of the things I am combating, I have fought and battled before...who knows, maybe this is the same war from before...
I have my niece and well I have to get used to the idea that she is mine...or going to be mine...or as much as mine as I can claim cuz there is no one she knows to send her to. My mother, after all of her gangsta texts of what she could do and would do and how I was mistreating my niece because I wasn't giving her sugar folded like a bad poker hand when I drove my niece home to her. But instead of growing that lil jealous girl up and texting me and telling me she had made a mistake and that I had called her bluff, she drove my niece to her mother who had already made it abundantly clear that she didn't want her. (Still not sure what would allow a mother who ain't cracked out to pick and choose which child she gonna keep and love) So my sister made arrangements to sell???/give (not sure got it secondhand, and just like secondhand smoke, it's deadly) her to someone in Tennessee. My niece doesn't know anyone in Tennessee. She barely knew me when I got her...and though I tried to act nonchalant like I didn't care about what happened to her since she didn't come out my twat, I couldn't.
My child who had cheered when I came home to get him with a nieceless car, said, "Mommy, you have to go get her, a stranger will kill her cuz she is crazy." And he was right. I had to go get her cuz if you ain't used to dealing with a child of her magnitude you may black out and come to and find your hands around her neck.
So even though my legs were tired from just driving 12 hours there and 9 hours back to drop her, and I didn't have any leave, or any money, I got on FB and secured me a rider, then I got on Twitter and secured me a plan A and a plan B to get her cuz my sister told me that by Wednesday my niece would be gone forever and she was telling me this on Monday night, so we hopped in the car and drove the 31hrs round trip to get her, and now she's here, with me....
And as my child said, "she gonna be with us forever and ever..."
When we got back, my tire blew and all I could think was "this wasn't how my fairytale was supposed to play out, but things could be worse, my tire could have blown while we were balling through those mountains."
"When your plan doesn't match up with God's plan, He will certainly move things out of the way to get you back on track."
To Be Continued......
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
But does that mean that I can?
I mean I can only control me and my choices...but what happens when things are out of my hand?
I don't know but lately I have been feeling like I don't know...I have moved from that place I used to hold on to, but I still haven't moved far enough...and YES, it is a freaking process, but still...what if when I get to where I am going and it's still not enough? What if I am still not free...then what?
What if I never am found by the one that is supposed to love me? What if God didn't pick anyone out for me? (It could happen) What if he's stuck in a loveless marriage? What if he dead? What if it's just not meant to be?
I have to ponder these things...it's the only way realistically that I can stay balanced. Life ain't no fairytale and lawd knows mine ain't been filled with no crystair stair, rail, nail, spoon...And sometimes when you get to the top of a hill you realize that you either got more hills and mountains to go or that you are the last one to get there and the party's about to end.
I don't know what's gotten me in a funk...I went camping this past weekend and had a blast. But as I listened and watched, and watched and listened, I realized there are a lot of unhappy people in this world just trying to make it from hill to mountain and well, I don't want to be one of those people any more. I don't want to fake it til I make it, not with everything and especially not with love.
I want to love whole-heartedly and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be able to say, "Hey, what you did made me very unhappy," and not wonder if he gonna walk away, or worse is he gonna stay and stray. I want to live and not worry about the eggshells I am crushing..
I want, I want, I want....but does that mean it will be?
"What will be, will be whether I choose it to be or not."
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I haven't been on here in a minute simply because well.... I don't know. I think I was almost losing that decade old battle and was about to slip into that cloak of darkness. It's comfortable. It's familiar. It's home. And even though I have since relocated to a new address, my body sometimes forget that WE AIN'T DOING THIS NO MORE!
So from time to time, I come by for a visit. Sometimes, I walk right pass without even stopping. Then there are days where I come and I just stare in awe... just total amazement at what went on in that there shack, like I didn't live it or through it, but had just happened to hear about it....like a slave revisiting the plantation he/she used to live on. And other days, I climb the steps, open the door, and fall asleep on the couch.... It's a process.
Well, sometime back when everyone was doing the "challenge" someone presented me with a challenge of my own. They wanted me to fully see what freedom meant for me...what it looked like, what it tasted like, what it smelled like...what was it exactly, cuz my freedom ain't gonna necessarily be your freedom. So, I shot the email to my PIC cuz like I said in her lil tribute, she knows me and she will be brutally honest with me when she is pushed...So she told me that she thought that I really needed to reconcile my relationships with my parents, especially my mother. And well, it was weird because not even 24 hours prior, I was trying to sort out why it would appear that I have forgiven my father when he really was the one that physically and mental abused me and not my mother. So, I knew that she wasn't just shooting straws out of her butt and that she had really thought about the question I had presented her.
I started mentally that day trying to sort out what a relationship with my mother would look like in my freedom. And it's been hard because I have a conflicted soul and heart at times. I am a Christian and I will bust you to the white meat without a moment's notice. But, I am a Christian and what God thinks of me and my actions, do matter. They matter a lot. So, I am torn. I don't love my mother. I don't even like her 98% of the time. I have a very hard time tolerating her. But, I know that I need to honor and respect her. How do you do that with a person when the sound of their voice immediately enrages you? My freedom does not have any space for her.
Is that right? Am I right? Is that my freedom talking, or is that my lil scared girl inside still playing get back and holding on to a lifelong grudge, talking?
I am not sure. But I am not afraid to find out. I am in this for the long haul. I have dug in my heels and made sure they ain't the ones from Payless. This battle has already been won and I am the victor.
All I have to do is HONESTLY, absent of fear and anger, decide whether patching the relationship with my mom will get me closer to my freedom or adding some more gasoline to that already roaring fire and let that bridge burn once and for all.
"Sometimes moving forwards requires you letting go of one rope and swinging to another, and other times it may mean tying a knot at the end and hanging there for a minute."
Sunday, September 5, 2010
My faith was tested and in the midst of the fire, it grew.
My child is still not 100%. I am still dealing with a lot of the issues that stemmed from his ordeal. However, there are some things that are changing. His demeanor has changed somewhat. He doesn't look so aggressive or so on the defensive when I pick him up after school. It's like he knows he is safe at his new school and that brings me a measure of peace cuz I fight lil kids,even multi-racial ones.
Today is doubly special: It's my 6 month creamy crack free anniversary and my 1 year issues that I can't stuff and gots to pay someone to help me anniversary!
So it has been a year since I picked up the phone and called CQP and honey, I should have followed my 1st mind and kept it moving. It was something about him that told me he would be a hot mess, which is why I didn't call him back. He called me back and asked if I was still interested in him seeing me and my son. I should have told him h e double L NO! But had I done that I probably would still be stressed the heck out and still stuffing any and everything that I came across instead of dealing with it.
He has helped me help myself by being so annoying. I mean all his prying questions. His bad attitude. Sarcasm. His genuineness. All of these things gave me the push I needed to get up, dust myself off, lick my wounds and keep it moving. I wanted to plow down doors just so I didn't have to hear his bootleg analyzing of what my issues were. There were/are a lot of people who felt we were too close and well that could be true but even the fact that I would let someone get so close to me that others would comment is a testament of how much I have changed.
He was the right person for the job, bootleg and all.
I have been natural for 6 months and I can't believe it. I used to have to get a touch up every 4.5 weeks. I laugh every time I think about how "nappy" my hair was with a perm.. Look at me now, these waves will make you love me...no really.
I have grown so much with my hair. I still hate wet hair, but I see the world differently. I feel as spunky as each curl. I know that some days will be straight, uneventful, and others will be non-stop action with twist and turns every which way, and still some will start off uneventful and wind up being all over the place, and finally, some will just be rough around the edges because it be's that way sometime....kinda like my life : )
So enjoy the pics of me and my growth:
"Resilience is something that keeps me coming back for more...(yup a sucka for punishment) Endurance is something that keeps me staying the course (too headstrong to quit) and LUV is something that keeps me from killing those that have made my journey unpleasant at times (I secretly love my freedom)."
~Gotta Luv moi, I surely Do (smooches)
Just got it chopped off
Day 2 oooh look at them naps lol
2 months of growth
It's official, I bes that attorney...told yah I looked fly
Look at all that hair...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
I want what you want...
Some days I want it more than you...
And other days, not so much.
I want to be free!
Free from it all...
It's a reason I always smile when I go to Chele's blog. It's something about her tattoo that instantly reminds me what this journey is all about. Yes, it's about love. About Luv finding the love that
she needs I need to maintain a balanced outlook on life. But, it's about so much more.
It's about me turning back the hands of time, trying to correct some wrongs, trying to lick some wounds, and bury some bones once and for all.
It's about me releasing some things that I had been hanging on to like my life depended on me being able to whip out the fragments of my heart at a moment's notice to prove that it had been broken.
It's about me choosing to change my ways...not because someone else said that I should but because I had decided that it was time... because I had decided to look in the mirror, into the windows to my soul and see what was really there and not alter or change my perception to make the experience more comfortable for me, or for those around me.
It's about me coming to terms with my Past....Healing my Present...So that I can receive my Future.
It's about me stepping forward on faith and nothing else and knowing that when the last post has been posted for this here blog that I will know without looking back to previous posts that it had all been worth it.
It's about me redefining who I am based on who I want to be in the Present and not who I was destined to be in the Past.It's about love. That sweet, sweet feeling that will have you all knotted up when you think that you have pushed it away for the very last time and will have you smiling from ear to ear when you realize that it's come back to you stronger than ever.
It's about me peering into the faces of those that have hurt me, wronged me, deserted me, hated me, hated on me, used me and me not feeling obligated to feel anything but peace and joy. And possibly a lil pity because they are missing out on a good thing. Nope, a great thing. I am the best me there is....NO ONE can do what I do with what I do it with on a daily basis... I marvel at God's favor in my life and I am so thankful that I have realized how much He has blessed me before I closed my eyes for the last time.See, I used to focus on what I didn't have, what I couldn't afford, what I wanted to do instead of being content with what I did have, what I could afford and what I had done. I don't think I have made more than 20,000 in a year yet; nevertheless, I have visited over 15 countries and purchased my first piece of property before I turned 25.
It's about me being comfortable in my own skin regardless of how uncomfortable the current situation may be...it's about me never feeling I have to dim my light because it's outshining those around me. It's about me being proud of my accomplishments and of my success. It's about me realizing that I deserve every little bit of the pie that I get.It's about me feeling so secure in what I am bringing to the table that I don't even let the knuckleheads that ain't worthy of my time or my dime get a whiff of what I'm cooking with. It's about me knowing that I deserve the house, the fence, the garage, and the stay-at-home dad (I mean somebody gots to watch them kids)
It's simply about me doing me and doing the things that bring me joy.
So, when it's all said and done, I will have experienced so many blissful days that I won't even be able to remember what a bad day looked like, let along felt like.
"The ability to be me no matter the second, minute, nor hour is oh so freeing ~my freedom"
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
It's something about this place that just soothes my spirit and calms my soul... I love me some it..and it loves me
I was unstoppable, unmovable, unshakable.....
I was happy, confident, and determined
I soared freely in this CITY...
This City knows how to keep the fat girl living inside of me happy at all times.
This City kinda reminds me of me, it has two extremes: a bitter winter and a scorching summer
This City prepared me for greatness and it will always be my home
And they ain't never lied.....
CHITOWN HOMIES ARE THE CRAZIEST!!!!
"Sometimes holding on to the Past helps you remember that what once was, can be again..."
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
(yup I have finally found the challenge and decided to do it, but I am going to do it in reverse, only switching #1 with #30)
My name is LUV...it used to be Later4 LUV, but now that I am actively seeking love, I had to do a Common and drop the Later4.
I am transitioning, transforming, reinventing, tossing out, and making anew. I am defining who I am and what I am while silencing all the lil voices around me that are trying to deposit their two cents into my life without being asked.
I am really a lover...not a fighter, but I have had to fight all my life and in turn, bury my loving side. I am in the process of growing up that scared little girl that resides in me.
I am a writer a baker a cook a mother a sister a daughter an aunt I am the best friend a person could ask for I am a procrastinator I am a motivator I am an early bird I am a homebody I am a crier I am a hugger I am perfectly imperfect
I have been through a lot and that has shaped and defined my story, but now I am ready to start shaping and defining my own story.
"Circumstances and experiences are the results of choices, I made some poor choices which lead to some very unpleasant experiences and uncomfortable circumstances, my setbacks are the fuel that is launching this comeback ~choices"
Friday, August 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
People are always going to see things differently. I can't control that...and well, I am not going to worry about it. I can't. This isn't about them, they can't walk in my shoes. They can't give me that time back. They can't heal me. They can't make me whole. And sadly, they may never understand where I am coming from, or where I need to go.
I want to be free....I shall be free!
So, I contacted the RAPIST. It's so releasing to say those words. And to say them to the person that caused me to hate all men, women, children, living and non-living things...what a rush. Not like walking around the rim of "that big hole," but a rush nonetheless.
I really had nothing prepared....had no expectations outside of that I didn't want to run. I didn't want to shy away from whatever I was feeling in the moment. I wanted to know, without having to question over and over years from now, that I was okay with this. That I wasn't selling myself a wooden nickel. I mean if I am going to do this journey and revisit all the hurts, pains, truths, etc, I might as well do it 110% or there is no reason for me to do it.
When I said I was sick and tired of being in this rut and finding myself back in the same valley with the same bitter, never-want-to-see-anyone-get-ahead people, I meant it. I am tired of being handed the same test and receiving the same grade. I am READY for the next course.
So it has taken me 10 years to get the validation that I needed to be at peace with myself...but I have it. It wasn't so much in the words he spoke, because that joker needs some help. He needs God's mercy. He needs to pray that I NEVER stop walking with God. But it was something about him admitting that he raped me...something about him saying the words that caused the dams to my soul to erupt.
I knew I had been raped. I knew I had said, 'no.' I knew that he had heard me. I knew that I didn't lead him on. I knew that I didn't deserve to be treated like that....but there was this twinge of doubt. This spot of uncertainty...because why would someone be so cruel to me when I had never done anything to them. So, maybe I had consented and not realized it...maybe I just felt guilty about giving in and wanted to ease my conscience...maybe...I don't know...but the fact that my mind wasn't buying into the madness let me know that there was no maybe nothing!
Listening to this fool pluck at straws and trying to turn the tables and have me made to be the culprit was...I don't know... Most of the time I didn't even have any feelings. I was so detached and so in awe and so stuck on the fact that all this time I had been stuck and afraid and doubtful and so not myself for someone and something that was so not worth avoiding for ten years. I mean here it was this joker was telling me AFTER I told him that I had hated myself instead of him for ten years for allowing him to rape me that he had been thinking about me, wondering what happened to us, and now he was hoping that we could work on being something.
PAUSE...yeah you read right.
This fool went on and on about how he had a right to redeem himself....to work things out... to make amends...to make things right...and that I owed it to OUR dead son to give him that chance. That I was brought back into his life for a reason and he was willing to do whatever he could right now in the present to make it right...to restore our relationship. And after I laughed at him, he switched it and said that I was wrong because I messed with his brother. I was wrong that I kept it from him that I was pregnant with his child. That I was wrong for rolling in his shop and playing his face in front of his boys and then playing his face on the street the next day. That I had him thinking all these years that he was crazy.
I am thinking that this ninja should know without a doubt that he is 10 shakes pass crazy if he thinks I owed him anything beside a bullet to his head...either one.
I may never ever get complete closure but what I got is enough to let this wound finally close and heal properly. I have taken that scab off for the last time...and the tears that flowed the moment I disconnected the call let me know that I am more than okay...I am like Johnny 5; I Am Alive! The fact that I wanted and acknowledged that I wanted to be comforted by the human touch...human voice and not by baking soda let me know that I am ready to trust and ready to let all sorts of people in. The fact that I could not get in touch with anyone and that I still didn't "take to the box," let's me know that I am ready to release myself from that addiction. The fact that I did not shy away from what I felt or mince my words or take on any of the exchange of energy he was trying to throw at me, let me know that this growth that everyone is seeing isn't a fad. The fact that I got up this morning after only 2 hours of sleep with a smile on my face and a pep in my step, let's me know that I am finally free of that valley and I am anxiously awaiting my ascent to the top of the mountain cuz I have truly found my wings with this long overdue dose of FREEDOM.
"Sometimes you have to stand in the fire in order to put it out, suffering minor injuries, while saving your life."
Saturday, August 14, 2010
For almost 11 years now, I have been hating myself instead of hating you.
Hating you for all that you put me through.
Hating you for all that you took from me.
Hating you for what you made me become.
Hating you for being the dirt bag, slime bucket that you are.
But today, I want to thank you. Today, I have to thank you...it's only right. Because of you, I really know who I am and what I am made of.
I remember everything about that night; even after all the nights of me trying to erase it from my mind...trying to change the events...trying to make it so everything would be right...would be fine in my world. But things weren't fine. Things weren't right.....
I wasn't fine.
I wasn't right.
But, it wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. You did. You not only violated and betrayed me, but you destroyed my trust. And for the longest time, I thought you had broken me. That the me who I was, was dead and gone. And to a certain extent, that is true, cuz now I am stronger, I am wiser, I am standing, and I am here. And I am better than I was before.
I know without a doubt that God did not make me to be broken. I have faced the 'worse' thing that could happen to me, and I am still going. Yeah, it made me stumble, and I sat down on the ground, and I wanted to stay there...but God wouldn't let me...my journey was not done...I still had a story to tell....I still had a life to live.
But, I was still being me..still trying to sort out the blame..still trying to be in control...still trying to go through the motions like everything was okay...still refusing to release myself from the blame and shame that I owned that so rightfully belonged to you.
But no more.
I want to thank you for being the coward you were because I pray that after 11 years you have also grown. I want to thank you for taking away my fear of men that had been thrust upon almost as violently as the fear was taken away. I want to thank you, for had it not been for your sickness, I would never really know what type of person I really am...I also wouldn't have been prepared to handle my child's situation.
I am more than a victim.
I am more than a survivor.
I am the captain of my ship and I choose to sail on and focus on the silver lining and blue skies in front of me.
"Even in the midst of destruction, persecution, trials and tribulations, failures, and victimization one can find beauty and a reason to keep pushing, and not give in."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I think Tina said it best, "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"
I have been trying to blog but my internet connection keeps going down and every time it comes back up, something else is on my heart to blog about. So instead of blogging about my unmet emotional needs, I'm gonna talk about love and how this new fangle thing being categorized as love is driving peeps over the edge.
So today at work I was informed that Ms. Tasia had
Now I ain't judging her, I am feeling her. I have been there before. I have been so down and out and so head over heals for a piece of man that when I saw the trees without all the smoke, I was devastated...I was so emotionally and mentally drained from the relationship and everything that was going on in my life that I was just tired and was like death has to be better then this. It was like I couldn't win for trying. I was bad off if I did and bad off if I didn't.
I remember the first time I had the privilege to see Ms. Tasia live and got to meet her. It was at her final DC performance in the Color Purple. I remember how out of all the people reaching for her, she came up to me and embraced me. I remember our conversation...me asking her to drop another album because I was going through some things.. I told her last albums helped me get through some rough times...I told her that she needed to do another relationship song about leaving someone that ain't right for you but you steady wanting to go back. I remember telling her how pretty she was and asking how on earth she ever thought she was ugly.. I remember her smile and her eyes swelling up like mine. I remember her embracing me one last time before her bodyguards took her away. Then I told y'all how she song to
So it's safe to say that I feel a connection with her. Actually her performance of I Am Beautiful and I Am Here in the play is what moved me to start this journey of self-love, self-discovery, and self-worth. She has helped me in ways I will never be able to explain....helped me to see what love and beauty really is...
I have learned that love does not hurt, it does not hold grudges, it does not place on pedestals, it does not judge, it does not place blame, and it surely doesn't break hearts.
"Just because it looks like LOVE and feels like LOVE doesn't mean that it is LOVE. LOVE mends broken hearts and broken wings, allowing us to love and fly again."
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
So I stood at the edge of the hole...no not like these fools. I stood at an edge where if I stumbled, got woozy, tripped, or just plain on fainted, somebody, anybody could possibly have a chance of reaching over and saving me.
Well, let me tell you, when I got off that bus and stood at the edge and look out into the Grand Canyon, I was in awe...it was humbling...but then as I began to walk the path, I began to hear a voice in the back of my head tell me that I wasn't safe and that I should be scared... and with each step up the trail, it whispered that I should not only be scared but that I should be PETRIFIED... and well for a moment ( a good moment) I listened to this voice and I started feeling my legs get weak and I retreated off the path into the woods...guess what, this put me higher than when I was just walking the path...there was a point where I was actually on all four (praying nobody photographed me). And then it happened...
Girl the voice started screaming 'you gonna fall, your child gonna fall, everybody gonna fall, you not safe, go back' and Honey, let me tell you, I wanted to go back down the path, but that would mean, um literally going down the path and I figured going down would be worse than going up and plus I was already more than half the way to the next pit stop. I looked around and nobody, I mean nobody was falling. Not even the idiots that should have fell. You know the ones who had left the path to stand on the edge of the rocks and who were bouncing literally on the edge.
Well, it took me a second to convince myself to stand up, but I got back to standing on twos. I then told myself, outloud, "You can do this..You can overcome this...There is nothing to fear but fear itself." And then I took a step and another and another..and there were moments where I was a little shaky and moments where I had to stop and regather myself, but I was determined to finish what I had started. The more I talked to myself, the more I drowned out that little voice. And the more I drown it out, the less afraid I became. Sure, I was very uncomfortable being over 8,000 feet in the air on top of a big hole with no guard rails, but, I was no longer paralyzed by fear. There were even moments where I snuck a couple of peeps over the edge, and guess what?
I am Still Standing and still moving forward!
"Sometimes we have to experience brief uncomfortableness to free ourselves from a lifetime of fear and pain....pushing through and pushing forward and loving it."
Sunday, July 25, 2010
It's funny how much of the old me is turning up in this new woman I am transforming into...So much of the me that I missed that I thought was dead. I don't have many vices. I am pretty much a homebody. I would rather shoot the bo-bo and watch movies with my inner circle than go out all night partying. UNLESS it is my school's homecoming, then LUV gets it in. I will go out and shake it like nobody's business. I still don't really drink...I ain't afraid nor ashamed to say I can't hold my liquor. Chucky and CsB probably can hold their liquor better than me. Imma have to bring wine coolers back...but even that's too strong.
I like to eat good food. I like to laugh even if it's at myself. I like good chocolate cuz yes there is some nasty chocolate in this world. I like to play games (cards, dominoes, board games, Wii). And I like to go to plays and concerts. I love good music. I used to treat myself to a concert at least once a year...depending on who was coming to town, sometimes two.
But somewhere along the way, I stopped being good to myself. I stopped doing things for myself and I missed that...I can't say it is a finance thing cuz money has always been funny over here. So a couple of months ago, I took myself to see Monica, and she sang her tail off...had me in there remembering why I loved live performances so much. Well, the other day, I took myself to see Ms. Fantasia. I drove the 2 hours to Richmond in 5 hours (don't even ask) got there to find out that it was going to be outside (it was 103 degrees) and I was in a dress (looking good for myself) and my cousin's friend didn't bring me a chair like she said she was (yeah, I won't be inviting her to join me again) and the hat I brought only served to help me look like I was set to pick cotton. (hello Celie)
To say that I was perturbed would be an understatement. I could feel my head start to tighten and not just cuz I was losing what looked like a gallon of water from my body by the minute. I hate being unprepared. But, right before I was getting ready to move from agitated to pissed off, I reminded myself that I had a choice to make and depending on the choice I made, it would determine how good of a time I had seeing one of my favorite singers.
Let's just say I am soooooooo glad that I made the choice to #makeitdowhatitdo and have a great time inspite of all of my challenges. My not having a chair made it easier for me to get up to the stage to be close and personal with Ms. Tasia who said she wasn't coming out on stage until they removed the gates cuz 'she wasn't into segregating her people' (i know that's right) and my choice also made it easier for Ms. Tasia to grab my hand and hold it for awhile as she sang this song, while watching the tears run down my doublecrispy face (cuz at 10:00 pm it was 100 degrees outside)
This is one of my favorite songs off her upcoming album...
"Sometimes in life we lose sight of the fact that we didn't come into this world walking or running, that there are stages and processes for everything, and no one but God is immune from having to learn how to do something, cuz even angels have to receive instructions on how to do their job...so when you crawling, remember, you are in good company."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)