Thursday, December 31, 2009

Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry

The New Year is here and I am ready to take it by storm.

I am ready for the beautiful transformation that typically happens after something has been under extreme pressure for an extended period of time...

(for those slower than most, think of the pearl...for you PIC)

I am worth more than pearls and diamonds, but how could anyone recognize my worth when I myself had forgotten it?

It's funny how we can get so lost inside of our own head that we put out our own fire.

I am tired of taking the short end of the stick. I am tired of self-destructing because I am too afraid to push pass my fear. I am tired of wanting love and only letting it get as close as my fingertips.

I am tired of people NOT worrying about me because I always get it done, make a way out of no way at all. I hurt and I cry (and not just when I am watching E.T.)

So CQP (Cool Quack P..lmbo) did not feel as though my letter to Safeway was open and unrestricted. He claims that it was limited in parts and not totally free. Now he really feena make me ask him to show me his degree cuz, I mean if that wasn't open, I don't know what is.. I mean did he want me to do a Dewayne and be like "Baby Baby please, baby baby please?" I mean what more can I say to the boy? HE KNOWS how I feel about him. I told him, I've showed him, and I really have nothing left to give. And plus, he's gone...his heart has left and I'm left replaying one of my favorite scenes from Baby Boy "He don't love me any more...take me away." (classic foolishness)

So my homework for next Thursday is: To identify all of the negative cycles I continue to perpetuate and break them. (yeah, I am not feeling this one either so I probably will write about why I should free my mind by going natural) anyone else wondering how any of this mess is helping me help my child deal with his issues which by the way have been compounded now that I have taken in a boarder (a tale for another day)

I have resolved that each and every day I will cut myself some slack and not take myself or life that seriously. So today, January 1st, I will not get mad at myself for yet again failing to wash all of those dirty clothes sitting in my living room. They will get washed.

"You don't need a new year to have a new beginning. Each and every single day can be the start of something fresh, something new, something wonderful; it's all in the way you look at it. A year is a year regardless of what day you begin it on. Here's to living each day to the fullest and enjoying it and recognizing it for what it is, just a day."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Thursday's Therapy (A Day Early) ~ Like You"ll Never See Me Again

Even though I don't really have the energy to do this assignment ~ I have decided to do it because I cannot afford to come back to this place and feel the pain and anguish and sit in the confusion that Mister Man (Quack ; p ) calls emotions.

Today's assignment for tomorrow's session is to write a letter to Safeway.. a letter expressing exactly how I fillers, no chasers.

So, we about to take the Henny to the head cuz that's the only way I am going to be able to reach the depth of my soul and leave it all expose out in blogland.

But then again, what do I have to lose? I mean, I have already lost him, what could be worse than that...pride doesn't keep you warm at night or help you smile through the pain.

So here is what I would say to HIM if I wasn't so scared of loving without strings attached..

I love you more than any love song you know. I am we are not the prototype, I am we are the real deal. Why is it that neither one of us really can pen when our relationship began or where it really will end? It's like I have known you my entire life. You were my Boo, but most importantly, you were my friend. I just can't sit here and watch it slip away. I know I have messed up with my last little stunt...but how is it that you knew before I told you what had set me off? How did you know that I thought someone had taken my place? That you were about to give your heart away... I won't lie, you hurt me, right down to my core. You kicked me while I was down and that shook me for awhile. But, I love you and they say love does not fail, so I could not simply walk away.

I have been running from something all of my life. I have been ducking and dodging, all of my life, and well I am was tired of running and had decided to fight. Fight for what was once mine. Fight for your love, fight for our love. Each time I am in your presence, I feel your love. Each time you kiss me, I feel your love. Each time you hold me, I feel your love. I see your love in your eyes which is why none of this makes sense to me. And it never will.

There are only so many cds with Lauryn's Sweetest Thing, MJB's Everything, India's Chocolate High, Alicia's No One, Raheem's Love Drug, Lutha's I Rather.. and the list goes on and on that one can make before the other gets the picture.

Before I met you, I had never been in love before, sure I had loved, BUT I had never given my heart away and stood by to watch to see whether they would toy with my heart strings, or love me genuinely. I had never wanted to be so connected, so close that when the vibing ceased that I would be left to pick up the pieces. You knew me when I was still walking with my head hanging down, still trying to find a reason to push forward. You knew me when the smiles were few and the pain overflowed. You knew me when I had given up on finding love and was settling for the Old Maid position. You knew me when I was broken and yet you still loved me. You still wanted me...You still saw me for the Queen I am.

Your love transformed me. It breathed new life into me. It made me feel free, again. It helped me start the journey of finding me. They say when that Love Jones come down, it's a mutha... well it surely is.

You made me want to be a better woman...and not just want to be, but put in motion the things I needed to do to become that woman...the woman that I felt you deserved. I didn't mind cooking your breakfast or washing your clothes (not that I ever did). What you say, be barefoot and stay at home? Yeah, I didn't even mind your old fashion goals. I didn't mind because as it goes, love will make you do and say some crazy things.

But it's something about how our convo ended today to let me know that your love is gone..that i went too far. and there is nothing i can do to turn back the hands of time because if I could I would have turned them back to the beginning a long time ago. Back to when you constantly called and doted on me. Back to when you freely loved me. You know back when I was listening to the people tell me (not u PIC cuz u always said he was a good guy, but then you also like Kream) that you were running that SE game on me. So instead of fully opening up and loving you. I loved you in measures...I loved you in portions. I loved you cautiously. I loved you to the best of my ability...I didn't want to give you all my love and then you casually walked away from me.

I couldn't "Stay in the Moment" though it was Worthy advice. I just couldn't stand not being in control...not knowing... and now look at the mess we're in.

How is it that something so right, could be so wrong? Is my clock running fast, or is yours running slow?

My head hurts and my heart is starting to clench up...and though i have said a still feels like i have not said enough... my faith is broken, and my eyes are closing, (and the tears are falling) but my heart's wide open as I say this in closing:

I love you Supa. You are the one for me. I never understood what people met when they said they had found the one until I met you. You can't complete me because I am already whole. But you do compliment me, you yourself said we were a perfect fit. They say... I say... the Bible says: Love never fails. So I have to TRUST and BELIEVE this and let you go and hopefully you will find your way back to my our love.

"I held my tongue when I should have spoken, I spoke when I should have been quiet. I hid what I should have broadcasted and publicized what I should have kept sealed. Some lessons do not have to be learned the hard way. I had love and lost it and now I have to sit and wonder if it will ever return, please don't make the same mistake I made. Love like there is no tomorrow, because sadly it may not be."

Gotta Luv M, Cuz I surely Do (Smooches)
Mr. Man if this isn't open enough for you, I don't know what is, becuz this is as good as it gets with me. You may never see me like this again because I don't know if I can ever love like this again or even if I want to. How you like them apples?

This is Dedicated to YOU ~ Perfect Fit

This is dedicated to you...

Yes, you.

The one who made me open up my eyes and see.....that the world did not revolve around me. (say what)

Even though it seemed like time stood still, and the sun grew brighter, when you were with me.

We fit like a glove..I was the hand, and you were the material surrounding me to keep me safe and warm. Too bad you didn't protect me, from me.

I was broken, and your ways fixed me. I saw in you the person I wanted to be, the person I used to be. I was ashamed at who I had become, but I quickly took the steps to undue some of the damage I had done.

I never knew a love like this... I never knew love. You made me weak and caused me to lose control...

You wrote me poetry, I wrote you prose

You called me your girl......

I never knew love could feel like this. My Love Jones, My Love Drug, My Kryptonite

I thank you for showing me how a man is supposed to be when he is in the presence of royalty..because I am a QUEEN and I had forgotten that... because I DESERVE love, and I had forgotten that as well.

Because of you, I stopped wanting to cry and started figuring out how to live....again. And, for that, I thank you.

I thank you for putting up with me and sidestepping, jumping over and ignoring all my baggage. I thank you for showing me the best of times. I thank you for being the oxymoron that caused me to finally break done and see that enough was enough and to tuck my trust issues aside and free myself to begin the quest of loving me! I thank you for loving me.

I wish I had loved you harder, longer, and more sincerer. I wish I had let down my guard and put away my fears...I wish that I was still loving you instead daydreaming with these what ifs.

"I was afraid to love because I had been so beaten, so broken, so unloved. I tried to guard my heart by putting up walls on top of walls. When I finally decided to allow myself to fall, it was a little too late. The path to his heart had been barricaded. I have been trying ever since to break back through... If you love someone, and they love you back, please don't let anything or anyone get in the way of spending your life surrounded by their love. Playing it safe doesn't keep you warm at night, it just keeps you up wondering 'what if.'"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

That's the way love goes

Love seems to be what everyone is chasing after; however, when some of us find it, we don't know what to do with it...we fail to appreciate it, to cherish it, to nurture it, to cultivate it, and sadly some of us refuse to see it. Welcome to my world of searching, finding and losing...

My Girl (this piece is copy wasn't written by me, but it was written about me)

Mr. Incredible,
Shotgun, Caddy,
Watching all the lights from the city fly past me
She drivin' she pryin' with all the questions she ask me
and I don't know her father but she keeps calling me daddy
want's to know what had me
quiet for the past three hours,
if I told her I know she won't understand me
we can't be together I could never be your man, see
with all I'd put you through I could never make you happy
I'd be lucky if you can stand me
Still don't understand why she longs for me so badly
It's something I can't see cause I can't stop the past from constantly re-
playing in my mind and I keep saying, "this time will be different"
If it was I wouldn't be writing this rhyme in my kitchen
trying to forget
all the time that I spent
just trying to forget
trying to pretend like I don't give a shit
like when I see her cry
it don't make me sick
But, when I see her cry
it makes me want to die
I sometimes
wish I'd
never been
born at all
And when the rain starts to fall
it feels like the pain that's contained in my heart
and I don't want to leave her
because she makes me strong
but I know I gotta leave
cause I know I don't belong
in her world
But I know that she knows
she will always be my girl

(my response)

U & I

In your mind
I would always be your girl
In my heart
I wanted to be your world

I wanted to always be in your life
Wanted you to ring me up, and make me your wife
Turning my world upside right,
Demolishing my fear like dynamite
Cuz I would always be in your world
Now that I would officially be your #1 girl
You know, 'til death do us part
You never said it, but I always knew I was your heart

Fear paralyzed me, no, us
Made us run, hide, cuss and fuss
Made us do things we'd never dream
Made us hurt the one we called King and Queen

You can't understand why I long for you so
Don't ask me cuz I really don't know
I just could feel you were the one
I knew my quest for love was finally done
I realized you intrigued me
You took me by surprise and freed me

Allowed me to ride shotgun
and to give you the go
To get in the driver's seat,
behind the wheel and control our flow
We knew our destination
It was crystal clear
But our fear lead to hesitation,

Chaos, distrust and confusion
Had me wondering: Was your love real or an illusion
Master of disguises I knew how to skillfully mask
The joys and pains that came with the fulfilling task
Of loving you so unconditional
Love's not new, but ours felt so revolutional

Felt like I was defying gravity
I wasn't scared, cuz I realized see,
That if I fell you were there,
waiting with open arms to catch me

I made you strong
You allowed me to be weak
I made you bold
You turned me into a freak

You loved me and I acted as if I didn't care
I loved you and you closed up and refused to share
We are one in the same
So afraid to get caught up in love's little game
Now you are there and I am here
Separated by our pasts' fear

Your stare let's me know
That you really don't want me to go
You know what they say, the eyes are the ports to the soul
And your soul wants U and I to grow ol'


(sorting my feelings now)

it's complicated

how u can love and hate someone at the same time
how u can laugh on the outside and be balling on the inside
how u can fool others while also fooling yourself
how u can have the answer but not know the question
how it can be so right, yet be so wrong

it's complicated
why i keep coming back
and dancing the same awkward dance
why i allow my heart to feel the same ole' pain
why i keep saying yes and you keep saying no

it's complicated
i know, but i gots to do this
in order to grow
i gots to put my fears on blast
i got to push through this
so i can move from it's complicated
to someone's at last

yeah, this mess is complicated

" today gone tomorrow. I love you...these three words, short and simple, yet so powerful. Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... I don't know. I just know that if you are going to love someone, do it whole-heartedly, and do it right from the start because you may find out that if you save it all for the end, that you've run out of time."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Monday, December 28, 2009

You Sooooooooooo Out of Pocket!

You ever had someone just jump way out there?

You know jump from their lane into yours without signaling or anything.

They hear something or read something and just run with it without thinking it through or processing the info like a NORMAL person would...

You haven't?

Well......................................... let me introduce myself. "Hi my name is Luv and I was so out of pocket the other day, I mean I was dead wrong and I am rather ashamed of my behavior, now you can scratch this off your never have met list."

The other day I must have bumped my head, really hard because I acted so uncool. I dropped the baton. I let them see me sweat. I became, even if just for a hot FB second, that chick.

Sidebar: Now, I am not saying that being that chick in certain instances are all bad. But, in my case, I had no reason to be that chick...probably didn't have any reason to be that chick either when I broke into dude's phone that time ( i digress)

I contacted this chick and asked her was her and her dude sex buddy having unprotected sex.. why, I mean he told me that they weren't and well when he told me I believed him but now that my entire body is going haywire and they can't pinpoint it, I'm like maybe dude gave me something... I mean I don't know how long they have been dealing but from her blog (yes, I read her blog) it seems like they have been hitting the skins for a minute and well, I wanted to know if dude had lied to me.

So instead of answering the question, this chick goes on and on about how she doesn't see how he finds time for me and how he is always with her and blah blah blah. And I am thinking, if he has given me anything that isn't curable, I am going to cause him bodily harm and if he has given me something that can be cured, I am going to cause him bodily harm.

So the chick has sent me several other messages that I refuse to respond to because I recognize that I am the one that opened Pandora's box..but just because I opened it doesn't mean I have to take out the contents...

"Trust ~ it takes years to build and seconds to destroy. Just because someone treated you one way doesn't give you license to make everyone pay for their actions. Emotions will get you in a jam that even your heart can't get you out of..."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Sky Is Falling (GUESS WHO'S BACK)

Ever felt this way? That everywhere you turned and every time you turned something was going really wrong...wrong to the point that you just knew the world must be getting ready to end. (not literally)

That the sky had to be falling and the ground had to be sinking cuz you felt like you were chin deep in mud and being slammed in the head with craters?

No... well, lucky you!

But seriously, it has been one thing after another. I have been trying to post before this but I had computer issues, then I had password issues, then I had life issues, then I had health issues and then I had more life issues, and more health issues, and then job issues, and it was issues on top of issues that I temporarily shut down.


I have been making progress which I will update you on in the upcoming days. I have continued with therapy and um, let me tell you this, therapy is HARD! My QUACK (um, he says he doesn't like this name...he just wants to be the guy I talked to...lmbo) isn't that insightful but he means well and he cares so I go..
My child still isn't quite right...but he is adjusting... the bedwetting had stopped and the attitude had simmered down but now we right back to square one. : (

My house, well it's 95% clean!!!! And I did some home improvements all by myself..I put up baseboards with a manual saw, some nails, and a hammer... and let me tell you, please don't cross me cuz I got the arms of a construction worker and I don't mind flexing. There are days that I go into my house and cry...I can't believe how much clutter I have gotten rid of since the starting of this blog.

My relationships, well the guy I was trying to get over must have thought I would crumble, after I broke down and cried...or maybe it was the devil...but whomever it was must not know that I AM A SURVIVOR (there will be a later post about this)

"Life isn't always what it's cracked up to be, but as long as we are among the living we can decide whether we are going to take what life throws at us on our back, knees or feet. Life sometimes really is what you make of it...Too often we take seriously the things and people we should look at as a joke and take for granted the things and people we should take seriously. Live life without regrets, chasing your own happiness, loving as much as possible, making it a worthwhile ride."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do!!!! Smooches

feels good to be back..