Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Thursday Therapy (part 1) ~ Fill 'er Up

Running on E... yeah that's an understatement. I think I have been running on E since I was 18. It's been like a ticking bomb that has no timer on it, but you know unless someone deactivates it that it will eventually EXPLODE.

I haven't been on here in a minute blogging or blog-stalking cuz well, mentally I just couldn't do it. And more importantly, physically, I couldn't get on... no bootleg wireless signal to pirate off of...

Kinda like a metaphor for my life right now. I can no longer just get by. I have to live. I have to move with purpose. I can't hope...I have to know. I know this like I know that I am a female. I know this like I know that I need air. I know this...yet I am still pussyfooting around.

People looking from the outside in, would say that I am being too hard on myself..that I have a lot to show for someone who has been just chilling in Never Neverland the past decade...well, I may have a lot to show in comparison to others who were never on my level...but comparing me to the eagles that I have always flown with, I am about to be downgraded to pigeon status.

So, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster...when it rains, it tsunami in my world. Imma talk about that in Part 2 cuz I don't want to turn this into a mini dissertation. But I will say that I have seen my growth. So I know that I am not just blogging about it and not being about it. I am honestly affecting change in my life. Yay me! (somebody's got to cheer me on)

So I have been boohooing all over the place as of late. I went from not being able to shed a tear to just randomly crying...for no apparent reason, at any given moment. Yeah, I am an emotional wreck. So, I reached out to CQP and well as always, we went back and forth and came up with nothing (he's really getting better...yup, i'm making everyone grow ;} ) So he told me that I needed to come up with a list or something, cuz you know at some point all I here is blah, blah, blah, of things that feed me or fill me up emotionally because I was running on E emotionally, duh, that's what I told him when I called him. He told me that I had to find things other than people and well....I am stomped.

I get off on helping people. I have since I was a little girl. It gives me such a feeling of gratification of being able to help someone, no strings attached. Since I was little, I always said that I would never want anyone to feel the way I felt growing up. It's such a lonely feeling feeling like you are alone or invisible in such an overcrowded world. So helping people makes me feel like I am getting a promise to myself.

Sex...I used to hate it...but know that I have figured out what I need to do for me to make sure I get what I need...I LOVE IT...but, that shop is closed...boarded even though that used to feed me emotionally, um it is no longer an option.

Writing and reading feeds me emotionally, but when I am acting like Ms. Waterworks, I do not have the ability to read or write.

Hanging out with real people feeds me and fills me up. It's nothing like chilling with a bunch of non-funny acting people who just want to have good old-fashion fun. Want to watch a movie and laugh, ride coasters and get their scream on, hit the rink and laugh at finding out that everything is not just like riding a bike, or just sitting and having an honest conversation about whatever and knowing that the next day no one is going to think any differently or any less of you. But this includes I am back to square one...stumped.

What feeds you emotionally when you are drained...fills you up when you have nothing else to give?

"Ready for my forever, but still sorting out my 'right now' so it doesn't affect my happily ever after."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Saturday, June 5, 2010

If You Ask Me I'm.....

ALMOST ready.

Yup, not quite ready yet, but I am more ready than I have been in a very long time. But, I am still not fine tuned and I ain't afraid to say that I am not courting material just yet. I still need to work on me... AND that's what Luv's going to continue to do.

I want love so bad that I can taste it in my keeps me up nights sweating, crying and longing. I can feel it cover me, embrace me, caress me....

But, I still don't quite see it, clearly. It is still a haze. I am still undecided about some things and well, when I take that walk down that aisle, I don't want my train to be hiding my baggage that I am dragging behind me. I want to be free as a bird from majority, if not all of the things that have caged me.

I am still not the me that I say I am..and until then, I can not be the me that I need to be for me or for anyone else. But, I am getting better at saying what I mean and meaning what I say. There is less double talk, even to the people that matter the least. I used to give you as much hot air that I could fill your head with, just enough for you to walk away thinking you knew it all when you really knew nothing.

I am speaking my mind with no apologies..unfiltered but not brash. There was a time when I went for the finishing move right off the break. You would send the lobby and I would slam it back to you daring you to hit it back. I was ruthless...I was cold...I was guarded...I was who I needed to be at the time to survive.

I don't need to be her any more. I don't want to be her any more. There is so much more to me than that and the more I love myself the more I know that more changes are necessary in order for me to fully transform.

Not just letting go and letting God. Just letting go period. Letting go of the insecurities that are often self-imposed then superimposed on someone else's opinion of me.

I used to cyberstalk my HIM's page....ain't ashamed..made it easier for me to start catching him in his lies. And believe me there were lies...lots of them. And he still lies but, I have less of a need to prove he is lying, now. It doesn't even matter. He doesn't even matter. I matter. I know that he played me and well I can't change it, so why be ashamed of it. I loved me some him and he, well he loved that I loved me some him and then became frightened by my love because he wasn't in a place to receive it, and he played my face, trying to force my hand to leave.

Relationships are never about the other person. It's always about you and what you need to do to get to a point where you can live with yourself. And right now, I am still easily frustrated when talking to SupaDave and to the others. So this lets me know there are still things I need to come to grips with about myself. And well before this news would depress thinking there is always something and that I ain't never going to get right...but now I embrace it, and welcome it because I can definitely see my growth. I see and feel the love as I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how sexy and beautiful I am.

So, I am still trying on new skins..trying to find that close to perfect fit...and once I find it, I know that I will be ready to receive what God has in store for me. And trust, he won't have to ask me if I am'll be written all over my face.

"Self love is amazing. The more you love yourself, the more you will remove yourself from people, things and places that are counter-productive to where you need to be. Discoverying who I am has turned out to be a pleasant journey."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)