Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I've Been Searching For So Long...

First things first, this gonna be about four mouthfuls, so go ahead and get your Corona, your Grey, your Coke and kick off your shoes cuz I gots a whole heapin to say.

~Housekeeping Items~

So Luv's been in the kitchen, just a talking and a cooking and a cooking and a talking.. and while Luv's been a cooking and a talking and doing a lil' tasting, people have been coming on in and pulling up chairs to the table..and well Luv don't mind cuz she always makes more than enough food to feed the entire block, but she does want to remind you that she will not tolerate any elbows on the table or any discussing of what Luv's talking about in the kitchen on the block (Facebook) or in mixed company. Remember, what goes on in Luv's house, stays in Luv's house (unless Luv trying to kill dem babies..then yall can run and get the po-pos cuz somebody gonna have to pull Luv off of dem) Now that Luv's got that off her chest, let me get in here and stir these pots.

So, I have been doing a lot of this.....

and a whole heaping of this.....

Some things I have made leaps and bounds with...other things I have moved more steps backwards than forward...but I have learned am learning to chalk it up to the game, this wicked, unpredictable game of LIFE.

I am learning that my not-so-fully-developed patience trait gots to be developed or I am going to continue walking around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have said it over and over AND over again: I want what I want when I want it..whether it be for my child to act right, for my love life to come into existence, for my house to get cleaned, for me to be at that destination that I NOW so clearly see for myself...but things don't happen on my time schedule simply because I want them to. You would have thought I would have this lesson down pact by now...but I don't.

The choices we make are just that...choices. Every choice is going to have an equal or opposite effect on our lives and those lives connected to us. The choice we made yesterday may not be the same choice that we need to make today. I have proven that I can adapt to most, if not all things...I am like that chameleon...changing to suit my environment, my surroundings..

But what happens when you adapt/hide so much that you forget who you were originally...that the real you starts to fade...not just into the background...but away, for good.

The Quack...(CQP) is so good for me...I know that many peeps are confused and even a lil' disturbed by our relationship. But for the record let me state this, there are few therapist out there who would be able to handle and psycho-analyze me, so we can't determine his worth or his skill level by his ability to help me; few humans can help me (real talk.) He allows me to be me, while judging me and faking like he not judging me, which in turns allows me to progress with the blooming of my bud. I will admit that our relationship is not the typical sit on my couch, tell me what is on your brain for an hour, while I doodle and pretend to listen. See, I have this problem with rules, regulations, structure and lines. And as I type this, I have to chuckle... I am so very one-sided. I liked, no love giving but I don't like am uncomfortable with receiving.

And that's with just about everything. I can give love...almost perfect love, but I am not open to receiving it because I know that there is no such thing as perfect love and therefore, sooner or later someone is going to get hurt, usually me. So to stop from being hurt by love, I choose to love those incapable of loving, or of returning my love in the form or fashion that I need. I am realizing that I am aware that men use love to get sex, so I choose to give sex to get the illusion of love.

(Side Note: So, it appears like you all gonna need your hopscotch shoes on for this one cuz we gonna be hopping all over the place but I promise to bring it all home, at some point ; ) )

So we coming up on my ten year anniversary of 'I ain't gonna see the weekend'...ten years of me sitting in my feelings...of me spiraling downhill...of me shutting down waiting to waste away...and on one hand I am happy that the doctors were wrong because it proved that God always has the final say..but on the other, ten years of misery is a long time to torture oneself. And that's what I have been doing. I have been blaming myself because I fight for everybody else BUT I don't really fight for myself. Now don't get it twisted..I fight for myself, I just ain't that fast to shank when it is dealing solely with me as I am if you stepping to one of my peeps. Trust, I was going to do some damage to that child and his parents for hurting my son. And I was going to do some damage to that dude for pistol whipping my cuzzo and leaving her for dead. And when we went storming dude's dorm room looking for him and I was armed with my 'Chitown we gets gutta like that and turn anything into a weapon,' weapon, I definitely was going to do some damage.

But when it came down to defending me, I froze. Well I didn't really freeze, I over-analyzed the situation which prevented me from responding in what I felt was a proper manner. True, I was penned, and realistically, there really wasn't much for me to do, but I still blamed me...and well now I have decided that I have to forgive myself because I can't go back and edit my response BUT I can make sure that if ever placed in a similar situation that I choose to respond differently.

I have come to terms with a lot of my shortcomings. And when I say come to terms, I mean I have identified them, and some I am ready and willing to deal with at this moment in time and others, well, I still need proof that they are indeed issues I have. (I'm just saying...no proof, no owning up to) So, it's like I stated previously, I'm off to see the Wiz but I really don't know what should be a priority for me..I mean, me being me would go in there and be like look, I want all of this and I want it right now and I want it at the "bundle hook-up" price..but, we are trying to get away from the old, "it's on my time and my way" me.

So there are very rare moments where CQP comes in handy and proves to be helpful even if he's not insightful. He provides me with a sounding board. I can come and dump all of my madness on him and he will get rid of all of the surface fluff...then we will collectively go back and forth about what else is fluff, leaving me with clues to finding out what the real issue is..or better yet leading me to the root of the issue.

So he knows, and know I realize more than ever, that I fight myself..even on little things. I know that I have a tendency to sabotage things when I feel like I am not in control, especially in non-platonic relationships. However, I never paid attention to how much I fight myself on silly things. Like I wanted the new Monica CD (btw, I am loving it) and asked someone if they were going pass some stores..specifically stores that would have it for the cheaper price and they told me no and asked why..I responded with 'why, you can't help me.' And while in my head the response I chose seemed to be not only appropriate but justified when in actuality, it may have been a little premature, not an assumption. See, I didn't account for the fact that they might already have the CD and might be willing to burn it for me (shhh), or willing to give me the CD and burn a copy for them (now that's legal), or willing to go out of their way and stop at one of the named stores and pick it up for me, or willing to go to a store and just get it for me, regardless if it was on sale. In my head, I was thinking they ain't going to the store and now I need to come up with another plan to get what I want which did not involve them. Never did it cross my mind that they might go out of their way and get it for me because we ain't like that...meaning we ain't peoples like that..it's no reason for them to go the extra mile for me, we ain't friends, we associates...possibly.

The hindrance of assumptions? Possibly..possibly not. It's all in how you look at it. Is it half full, is it half empty. Is it really that deep? I mean if you grew up and someone only told you that the cup you were drinking from was half empty, then that is how you would look at your cup...wouldn't mean that you were a pessimist. So, just because I don't expect that people who aren't my friends will go that extra mile or go out of the way doesn't mean that I am assuming that they won't...it is just that I don't EXPECT that they will. But should I?

Abandonment and Self-Worth...things that have been haunting me since I was little...never thought I would be dealing with these issues in my prime. Always thought that once I got far, far away from the madness that initiated these issues, that they would begin to melt away like Winter's ice does with the onset of Spring. But here it is, more than two decades later and I still think that everybody new who's coming into my life is just going to leave right when I am starting to semi-like them (cuz lawd knows I don't totally like anybody ;p ), so I really don't invest too much time and energy in a lot of new encounters. But that's not saying that I don't let anybody in, cuz I have and I do. I used to didn't waste much of any of my time with the ladies...females are just too catty for me. I grew up a tomboy, sandwiched between two brothers, most of my closest friends were dudes or tomboys. It's funny because, most of my trusted doctors are males, my 'tell me all your bizness and I will write it on the dry erase board' therapist is *cough* a male, my ICE is male, etc... But, now I do have some sistah friends that I trust enough to go to when I want to vent and not be "fixed."

The funny thing is, I think I do more leaving and disappearing on my friends than it was ever done to me. I think my mindset now is: "Beat them to the punch, leave before they leave you high and dry." And well this is not me. I don't like being flaky. I don't like not being dependable. I don't like leaving running prints on people's hearts. I don't like being controlled by my fears.

I know where the abandonment issues come from...that has never been a mystery. My mother used to leave us when she used to leave my father. Even though she would eventually come back and get us, she still left us. And sometimes, she would come back and get us one by one, and though we always hoped that she would come back for the rest of us, you never could be sure. Then my parents left us with my Great Aunt while they went to work...they used to get us on weekends...then they even stopped doing that (This is why I went through so many changes when I had to leave my child for a summer while I studied for the bar, kids remember these things and not necessarily in the manner we want them to remember them. While I am sure that my parents wanted us to remember it as they left us with our aunt to live while they made a way for us, we remember it as they left us with this lady that tormented us and when we expressed our feelings about being unhappy there, they brushed it off.). Then my uncle left me when he died...he didn't have to die, but he was sorta hardheaded like me...wasn't nobody or nothing going to control the way he was going to live his life, even if it was for his own good. Then my granddaddy and then my own babies... and a few people left in-between that I also cherished and was attached to.

Now the self-worth issue stumps me. I mean I literally by the grace of God, excelled at just about everything I undertook. I refused to be beaten by anyone or anything. Except, um unsafe heights, you all can have that. But I will ride them coasters, just know that I am praying and having mini-anxiety attacks until the ride has come to a complete halt. So, I am not sure why I don't value myself even though I recognize the value I have. I mean when I take my light off fogger mode, you gots to put on shades, I'm shining so bright. I mean some days, I sit in awe when I think about the things I have accomplished and survived. However, I rather sit in the background than be in the forefront. There is also a question of whether I value the people enough that I interact with to expect and possibly accept that they value me..that they see and understand my worth. Or, do I even care?

Now trust, there are a whole heaping of other things I need to be asking the Wiz to fix or get rid of, but, I think that if I get these things kind of resolved, that I will be able to swim through the rest of the nonsense that life is going to toss at me, like the champ that I am.

"Today, I do not choose to be the person I was yesterday. I do not choose to sit in misery, while life is passing me by. Today I choose to face my fears and recognize them for what they were/are....Today I choose to become whole again. Today I choose to look in the mirror and not be ashamed by what I see in the windows to my soul. Today I choose to be free so I can know what it's like to fly again."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Thursday's Therapy ~ E (squared)

Emotionally Empty ~ that is what he said I looked like.

I wanted to tell him as he looked at me that I was beyond empty, that I was at the end of my rope and that I had untied the safety knot and that I was ready to jump...

I wanted to tell him that I was done and that this was the grand finale...

I wanted to tell him so much but instead I just looked at him and pulled on my hood...something else for me to hide behind

Exhausted is not even the word. I just keep telling people, "I am tired," because I know that they can't stomach what's really going through my head. I have been opening my eyes for the last couple of months groaning...saying, 'dang, I'm still here.' Is it depression....partly. But it's just that my will to live died ten years ago and I have been moping around my crystal stairs trying to find some hidden treasure that would pump new life into me.

And going through these trials with my child hasn't made matters any better...but long before his episodes I had decided that this was my last hoorah, that 'can't get right' was gonna finally silence all of the critics and go find her some eternal peace. BUT before I did, there were some things that I wanted to accomplish...to settle...to bring some closure to...

A bucket list?!? naw, not really...it was just that I needed to bring some things full circle because I am not one who like to leave loose ends. There were some things that I needed to do for me to ensure that I had no regrets about the things that I controlled.

I needed to make sure that after I was gone that my son would be okay. That he would be with someone that was capable of loving him in the way that he needed to be loved. Kinda reminds you of the flick StepMom, which I absolutely adore, but the only difference, I wanted to find someone better than me because I know/knew I was lacking in an area that he needed the most. I am not touchy feely...I don't like him sitting all up under me. I don't get the urge to hug and kiss all over him. I really don't want him on my lap. BUT, I do love him and I tell him so, which is more than my parents did..I honestly don't ever remember them telling us that they loved us until we were grown and moved out which is why they get the classic response,"okay, see you later" or my personal favorite, 'silence accompanied by a lot of eye blinking.' (i'm just saying, it is what it is)

I wanted to get to the bottom of this "empty, not good enough" feeling. I mean if you knew me you would be scratching your head like, 'wtw is wrong with you, you are beyond awesome.' And I am....which is why it doesn't make sense that I am ready and willing to fight for everyone else and hesitate when it comes to fighting for myself.

I was told that everything that I despise or don't like about my child are the traits that remind me of me... I don't like that he is so trusting and loving... I used to be like that. I don't like that he is so carefree...I used to be like that. I don't like that he gets so angry that he can't let go and move on...I am fighting with that right now. I don't like that he won't fight...all that cease for me at the age of 6.

So the alarm and the flashing lights are going off again saying, "ding ding ding, it's not your child, it's you."

And I have said before this that this is really about me and not my child. How badly do I want this? And the truth is, I don't know. Some days I want it. Other days I don't feel it's worth it. And the in-between days I am just confused. Confused at how I got here...how did I fall off my throne. When did I become so content with hanging out with the pigeons when I belong with the eagles?

In order for me to save my child, I have to save me first. Plane's going down and I keep trying to put his mask on before my own....it's not going to work.

I know what I have to do....I just don't know how to do it....I know all I need to do is take the first step, but I can't seem to move my feet with my hightop concrete boots laced all the way up and I can't seem to get them off. It's funny because now that everyone from CQP to ICE to JILL SCOTT to PIC to even the thirsty drunk are saying the same thing....I have to face it...I gots to get to the bottom of this mess and deal with me and stop using everyone and everything else as a distraction.

But how do I connect all the dots when I have purposely removed some...blotted...whited-out...scratched some of the dots.

So, I told him that I was going to end it, not because I was reaching out for help. When my mind's made up...it's pretty made up....I told him because I wanted someone to be able to tell my side of the story...not the one people wanted to hear, but the unpleasant truth. I wanted him to tell them that I was tired and that I was unhappy with the cards dealt me and that I felt that the deck had been stacked against me and that I was tired of playing the fool...tired of fighting a losing battle...tired of trying to make people see me...tired of picking up the pieces...tired of being the mature, responsible one...tired of hurting...tired of feeling everyone else's pain and not being able to feel my own...tired of being the bigger person...tired of being tired.

so now that I have told him...I now have to avoid him

will edit and finish later...my eyelids are closing

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Thursday's Therapy~Polar Express

As long as I can remember, there has always just been two sides to me.....

Hot ~ Cold

Positive ~ Negative

High ~ Low

Black ~ White

....either it is, or it isn't. Simple. Straightforward.

It's what I had to do to survive at such an early age. It's what is causing so much turmoil and chaos in my life right now.

It is hard AND it was hard as a child trying to make sense of all the foolishness that was going on around me. Because the simple, straightforward way is not always the best way OR the only way. Life is not like a math equation. I know this...I know this all too well because if it was, none of my plan's would have failed. I would not be where I am today still dealing with issues of yesterdays.

Up until this point, I have only had to really rely on me so it really didn't matter that it had to be either this way or that way because typically it was either this way or that way. Having a child does something to that equation, especially when that child has feelings and thoughts that are not my own.

For so long, I have been placing a circle in a square hole refusing to see that even though it "fits," it really doesn't fit. Or that it won't fit all of the time....

I want it this way but I also want it that way and well I can't have it both ways...but in my mind, it doesn't make sense, why can't I have my cake and eat it too. It's my blasted cake and if I bake it, why can't I eat it?

It's funny because everything feels like it is coming to a head in my life all at once. But, this isn't the first time this has happened in my life and I am sure it won't be the last....However, I do want it to be the first time (in a long time) that I have dealt with things in a rational, even, middle-ground manner.

I cannot do it all. (I know this) I need help. (I know this) I want help. (I know this) But, I have still been trying to do it all (Doesn't make much sense).

It's funny because for as long as I can remember, I have been one of those people that will either not ask for help and suffer through it, or ask for help and place a mental time frame on when I think the help should arrive and if it doesn't arrive in the form and fashion that I think it should arrive, I withdraw my request for help and go back to suffering through it. Yup, the Lil Red Hen.

Now there is nothing really wrong with my method (me getting defensive) but in all honesty, it is. This method has shaped me and it has helped me accomplish some really outstanding goals BUT as much as it has helped me, it has probably hurt me twice as bad.

Everything cannot be on my time. Everything will not be on my time. Everything does not have to be on an etched in stone time frame.

My child is wilding out. He has bumped his head and forgotten not only who he is BUT who his mama is...I guess it is a good thing he has some really great people in his corner who are willing to do what those who were in my corner growing up wouldn't do: SPEAK UP and FIGHT for him. (who is fighting for me?)

My child has stolen again...at least twice since our scared straight episode. The only difference is that instead of telling the truth, this Bama has lied about it. The first time, he lied on two adults. And this last time he stated that "if CB had been minding her own business and not his, I wouldn't have known anyways." So, me being me wanted to have him locked up...placed behind bars...um, possibly overnight...but due to the powers that be, this did not happen. So, I resorted to taunting him with the idea of going to jail. Telling him that he was going to get locked up. That they were going to "ching-ching him" making handcuffed, locked up gestures. Every time he looked at me, I mouthed, "You are going to jail." All of this going on while CQP is discussing with me how my child still refused to admit that he stole the gum (yup, I gots me a petty thief) but was making comments like "if I tell the truth, I am going to go to jail." Then CQP lays into me about how unhealthy my present behavior is and well at that point, I really didn't care and I told him so. WHO CARES?!?!

I do.

Even though I picked that time to have an Effie moment: "What about me? What about what I want? What about my feelings? What about me?" I knew I was wrong and that it was more than about me. It was about the team. (My Stomp the Yard theme that I had been trying to embed in my child the last couple of weeks.)

And I guess it was then that it hit me...even though I didn't embrace it until much later that night...that I really had to stop acting like a child and pouting when things didn't go as planned or as quickly as I liked. AND that even though I did not want to have all of my child's issues and inappropriate behaviors shifted to me, they really were my issues and they really were about me.

So, I guess CQP was right (dead): I am going to have to demonstrate the behaviors that I want my child to display. I am going to have to be that change that I want to see in him.

And in my mind this doesn't make sense because I don't understand why I have to re-train my child. I don't understand why my child just can't go back to acting the way he had been acting these last 6 years. I don't understand why I always gots to do something. I mean haven't I done enough...what I got him going to see a therapist for if I am the one that is going to have to do all of the work?(yes, this is me venting)

But, in reality all of this is about me and not about my child. And it angers me that it is affecting my child. It angers me that I do not have control over the situation and did not have control over the situation that brought us to this point. It angers me that my anger and my "2-pole" outlook has gotten in the way of me dealing with this situation in the appropriate manner. I cannot nurture and discipline at the same time. That's why you have bad cop, good cop. Mom and dad. So because of my choices, I have to put on both caps but because of the experiences that have shaped me, I choose to wear the dad cap with my male-child more so than the mom cap. I do not want a punk for a son. I do not want a mama's boy. (lawd, but it appears that I have one anyways) I do not want no deadbeat who is going to take instead of contribute to society. You know you have to train them from infancy....and I have been...and up until this point, my method has worked, but now I am seeing the importance of balance. I haven't been balanced with my child. I don't like getting intuned with my "touchy feelly" side.

The devil is also attacking. Whenever, I am at a point in my life where I am trying to draw closer to God, (because I treat God the same way I treat people....if I pray and Manna doesn't fall from the sky or I don't walk on water, I, um, rescind my prayer) which I am now, things start happening in my life that are extreme and one after another. Like the other day my tire blew out on 295. I checked my tire before I got on the road...it was fine. But before the blow out, I was dealing with something different, everyday, it seemed like, with my child. Did I mention that he had started defecating on himself? And guess what, MAMA DOES NOT DO DO-DO! (just in case I didn't mention this before) Then it's little things that if I ignore for too long becomes big things...and they all are becoming big things at the same time: NOW.

Sidebar: But I remember back in July I want to say it was...I had started to get myself together...started to let go of things that was interfering with my relationship with God and the same thing happened... a lot of EXTREME things started happening in my life...I remember the climax being the entire emission system falling from underneath my car while we were on Rte 50. I remember how I responded to things back in July, which is probably why I am taking a similar exam now in March.

So, this is about me. All of this. The good, the bad, and the not so pretty. I say I want this. I say I want change. I say that I am changing. So now is the time to put up, or shut up. To play, or go home crying. Am I willing to put in the work that is needed to effect the change that I want? Am I going to talk, blog about it, and not be about it?

What am I going to do? (It's funny because I have a post saved where I am trying to hash out what I need to do and what I want to do...and it's saved because my thoughts were so thick, so muddled, so not there...but now I think I am ready to tackle it)

I went to bed alone, defeated, crying, eating baking soda, and having a conversation with God. I was asking Him to take care of my child because I did not think that I could do it any more. I told Him of my plans and explained to Him why I felt it was necessary for me to do what I was going to do. I told Him some of the pressing things that were bothering me, things that I have been avoiding because I didn't have the will to deal with it or did not know really know how to go about dealing with the situation.

I woke up alone. I felt calm. I got up to check the time and to start cleaning. (cleaning sometimes helps me free up mind clutter) But, I stopped cleaning even before I started. As I was mentally getting myself prepared to clean, while simultaneously going through the list of things I needed to accomplish today, I read a text from CQP in response to my text apologizing for being so emotionally draining and informing him that I knew what I needed to do and I was going to do it...his response wasn't in itself very profound, but it was a phrase or maybe sentence that connected with me, that managed to unlocked some common sense that I had forgotten I had locked away for a raining day.

And just like that, I had answers to some of my pressing issues. Well, to be honest. I always had the answer but now I understood why I needed to go ahead and do what I knew I needed to do from jump but was too afraid to totally commit.

"Faith and trust go hand and hand. Almost like peanut butter and jelly. Without trust, I can not have faith...without faith, I cannot truly trust. I am learning that the more I trust myself, that the more I allow myself to put faith in other people. I am learning that the more I trust in God, that the more faith I have in myself and my own abilities. This storm is about over, and once again I am resolved to still be standing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

You Are Appreciated ~ My Blessing in Disguise

I don't think I will ever be able to express to you how much I appreciate you...

I don't think all of my walls will ever be down long enough.

I mean I am truly a different person than the one that called you on the phone while you were at the airport...than the one that you texted days later trying to see if I had changed my mind about meeting you.

They say first impressions are lasting impressions AND I have been trying to erase the visual I left that afternoon.

I was so bitter, so confused, so angry, so hurt, so over it all.

I looked through you and dismissed you. I wrote you off without even giving you a chance to prove that you weren't as flaky and bland as the gray shirt you were sporting. Everything about you seemed syrupy and superficial. I mean if your representative appeared a little shady, I could just imagine what the real deal holyfield was like.

I chalked it up as something I would do, until I had figured out how to work pass, through, suppress the present pain. I prayed often for an answer of how I was going to go forward...how I was going to pick myself up and dust myself off after this bull toss. How was I going to go on...better yet, should I go on?

I was tired of going through the motions. I was tired of saying one thing and people hearing another. I was tired of trying, only to come up short. I was tired of watching other people living and being happy and me, surviving and being frustrated.

I prayed and you would call. I prayed and you would text.

You frustrated me because you thought you knew me and what I needed....

You irritated me because you didn't know me but you could almost see me.....

You challenged me with your super, passive aggressive way about things.

You tried your best to let me know that it was okay for me to be me, but you never understood that being the me that I was at that moment in time was too painful for me to be. It was too painful knowing that once again I was left to pick up the pieces of my heart. Left to make sense out of madness that would never ever really make sense. Left to decide whether it would ever be worth trusting and loving another person again. You asked me to trust you. You asked me to let you in.

How is it that you are able to lift me up even when I am not down? How is it that you care about things that shouldn't be a care of yours?

I have a timetable even though I know time is not mine. I have be searching and praying and praying and searching...looking for an answer that had been disguised only because I refused to see it.

So I thank you for attempting to care for me even though I am fully capable of caring for myself. You are appreciated (in my Tupac voice) and I do value your opinions (even though 90% of them are whack) and I do listen (even when I am being defensive) and I am learning to make application.

I just don't want to become too attached because letting go is harder than letting someone in...

"Blessings come in all shapes and sizes. You never know who or what God is going to use to bestow your next blessing on you. That's why it's important to treat each person and each occasion as if it's a gift from God...until proven otherwise."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Easing On Down To What?

So I am off to see the Wiz, but don't know exactly what I shall ask him for....

Should I ask for a heart seeing how badly broken the one I have is....

Should I ask him for courage seeing how I am the Queen of a lot, but when it's time to put it on display, I retreat due to fear.

Should I ask for help in finding my home, since home is ultimately where the heart is....

I don't need to ask for a brain because I already know I have one of those even though I don't always use it.

Which one of these things is going to make it easier for me to keep easing on down the road to being the new and improved me...the truly improved, not just the same model with a different hairdo.

The thing that seems to come up all the time that I really need to work on is my lack of having a middle medium. But I don't know if that is a heart, courage, or home issue.

I know I need to address the home issue because I need to know where I am ultimately trying to get too. What is it that I want out of life? I mean really want...

See for me, once I see the picture clearly, everything else falls into place and right now, no matter how many times I wipe my eyes and defrost the windshield, the view in front of me is still blurry.

Now don't get me wrong, some things are definitely falling into place and I see what I need to do with them but those things are just small pieces of the puzzle. It's like having all of the end pieces in place but not knowing which piece you should grab next because you never saw the box the puzzle came out of.

I am making strides, but it's like I am still in Munchkin land and they still "welcoming me" and Glenda ain't looking like she gonna show up any time soon.

I see the road, I have touched the road and even stood on the road BUT for some strange reason, I am not quite ready to begin easing on down that road....

I gots some more soul-searching to do...maybe after I hop around the blog-o-sphere I will read something that will shed a light on what that reason may be.

"Iron sharpens iron, an interchange of thoughts and ideas is good for the soul."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Shhhhh, Can You Keep a Secret?

Well, you probably can't but I am going to tell you anyways.

I am loving my hair! And I am loving me! Seriously....
I have to admit that once it all hit the ground that I was thinking that I was going to have a meltdown, but, it hasn't happened as of yet AND I don't think it is going to happen, because I AM OKAY WITH ME.

Yup, you heard it, read it, saw it, right. I am okay with me...flaws and all. Well, I don't really look at them as flaws, I look at them as personality enhancers... My aunt, she betta be glad that she is my favorite aunt, asked if I needed rehab....(too late for that) My PIC sounded like she would be okay if it looked like a celebrity's when I was done..(Kunta Kente' with both his feet didn't go over well with her)..but, I feel so much freer. Not because it doesn't take me longer to do my hair, because actually it takes longer; I actually have to do something to it now. Hmph.

It's almost like having a newborn baby; everybody wants to offer their suggestion as how I should wear my hair and you know what I tell them..."I am just going to enjoy the juice and berry look right now and once this grows out, I will decide what I am going to do with it then." (got new pics of it but have to figure out how to get them from my phone...blogger won't let me upload pics or blog from my phone but I can leave comments...weird)

I am on to tackling bigger and scarier things. I think I even got the attention of CQP, I have even shocked him with some very open answers to some very personal questions. I did try to lay down some rules of engagement with him because he likes coming out the side of his neck from time to time especially when I am wide open...I don't think he realizes how sensitive I am.

I am sensitive...I used to cry a lot before I realize how cruel the world treated those who wore their hearts on their sleeve. I have feelings, lots of them, they are just really suppressed.

I had a great time on my "rebirth day." It's funny how peeps you don't even count as being in your corner, or consider as being THAT important, show you that you do matter...it's nice to be shown that you are cared about especially when the person showing you, isn't obligated to. (Thanks again for the brownie sundae...I keep telling you that I don't strike out...I might hit a couple of foul balls...but I am always in the game.)

I have had a crazy, crazy week...been getting home well after 11pm and been too tired to blog...but hopefully the Devil will see that I am still shining and still relying on my MIGHTY GOD and stepoff so I can get back to my routine of blogging every day.

"Sometimes all it takes to get over that hump, out that ditch, or to get that monkey off your back is to take that first step, God is willing and very capable of doing the rest. Faith is knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel even though you are surrounded by darkness."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

This is Dedicated to You ~ Blackberry Molasses

I remember the first time I heard Blackberry Molasses and how the words just spoke to my soul. I was looking for a constant in my life. Looking for something that would be consistent, persistent, long-lasting, steadfast...something that would never change.

The more things changed around me, the more I fought against changing, the more I resisted change, the more I despised and feared changed...the more that I became less of who I was and wanted to be, and the more I became like the people I used to pity.

I needed to be in control of something, anything...even if it meant in the end I was losing out...because controlling something was better than nothing right?

Then there was a time where I embraced change but for the wrong reasons. I allowed situations, pain, hurt, bitterness, disappointment and fear to change me, mold me, and almost destroy me....

But it didn't. Even though the pressures of pist poorly playing this game of life had changed my outer core, my outward appearance, it did not change my heart. Kinda like water and ice. The drop in temperature pressure will turn water into a solid hard matter (ice) but once you add some heat to that bad boy, that ice will revert back to it's original state, unchanged....

I like to give credit where credit is due because I did not do this on my lonesome. I did not pull myself up by my own bootstrap. I have stood on the backs and shoulders of many great people that entered this world before me. When I could not see a way out due to my tears blinding me, ordinary people stepped in and guided me. However, there is one person that I have consistently as of late, been overlooking and short-changing that I need to know that I appreciate and recognize that they are doing the best they can with the tools they currently have at their disposal.

I want to thank you for never totally giving up even when you felt you had no fight left in you. For not swallowing all of those pills stashed in that cocoa. For fighting tooth and nail for the things you believed in. For doing your best to try and break that dysfunctional, abusive parenting cycle. For recognizing that you cannot do it all and that sometimes you have to ask for help. For understanding that sometimes you have to be like that Lil Red Hen and just do it your darn self! For loving even if it was with limits instead of becoming totally embittered. For doing what you had to do to protect your heart until you were more fully capable of dealing with the things that caused you to seek cover in the first place. I want to thank you for pushing the envelope when it needed to be pushed. Flipping the boat when rocking no longer was enough. Thank you for being a leader for most of your life. Thank you for finally coming to the realization that sometimes you have to step out on faith and silence the naysayers.

THANK YOU!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for always trying even though others would have you believe that you weren't trying hard enough. Thank you for reaching out for help when the load got too heavy for you to kick, pull, drag, let alone lift. Thank you for your wit and for your ability to find humor in your darkest hour. Thank you for being such a loving, caring, understanding person...thank you for finally realizing what a gem you truly are; how priceless you are.

Most importantly, thank you for coming to terms with most of the things that had control over you...for understanding that the only thing to fear was fear itself and for accepting the facts that the only thing that is constant, is change and that the best way to be in control of that change that is really inevitable is to be the change that you want to see in everybody else...to mimic the change you want for yourself, not just for others.

I love you and I am so very sorry that I have been neglecting you. I am so proud of the things you have done and I admire your sheer will to overcome any obstacle even when you would rather just lie down in self-pity. Know that I am now in it to win it, good, bad or indifferent.

Let the do-over begin. You are the captain of your own vessel. Happy New Beginnings to Me!
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Am!!!! (Smooches)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Inside Out Beauty

Have you every stopped to marvel at the beauty of a flower? I mean just really appreciated the petals, the color and the stem and how it all worked together?

Have you ever, stopped and marveled at the bud that did not bloom and recognize it's potential beauty? Realizing that ultimately what's beautiful on the outside, gots to be beautiful on the inside. ... And what's beautiful on the inside gots to be beautiful on the outside.

So me and CQP have been beefing. He has been getting under my skin. Partly because he ain't hearing me and he's dyslexic when it comes to understanding texts. And partly because he is finally seeing me. Or maybe he has seen me before and was just pussyfooting around the issue. Kinda like I had been doing with Safeway. Seeing the Elephant and acting like it was a kitten. Some things cannot be sidestepped...some things have to be addressed...some things cannot be sugar coated....some things you have to just spit them out the best way that you know how and let the pieces and the hurt lay where they may fall.... some things you can't apologize for and some things you have to let go, no matter how much they hurt you.

Most of CQP questions are trivial gum drop questions...questions that just fill up the empty space and allows me to work on my standup. But there has been one question that he often poses to me that I have ignored because it was the comfortable thing to do. To answer it would cause me to look deep within because none of my surface okey doke answers would do, not for him and not for me.

Why do I fight myself and hold on to the things that cause me the most pain...(of course you know these ain't his words..)

This question has bothered me, it has nagged at my soul. Because it has the ability of exposing me for the lil' lost girl that I really am. It had the ability of collapsing not only my walls but sinking my foundation. (yeah that I was supposed to be revamping anyways)

But I want this. I want a do-over. I want to erase all the negativity that is embedded in my heart, mind and soul. I want to take back contol over my vessel. I want this even if I can not verbally express it or emotionally show it. I am so tired of feeling the sorrow of the world. So tired of bleeding invisible blood. So tired of second-guessing the best friend I have ever known: ME.

So today, a day after my Granddaddy's birthday and four days before mine, I have decided to let the world me really see what beauty I possess on the inside. I have found that I hide behind a lot of things: books, wit, glasses, work, drive, pain, sorrow, drama, big clothes, etc. But the biggest thing that I have hid behind has been my hair.

My hair has been the cause of much joy but also much pain. I remember being at Six Flags with a fresh press out. I remember my parents admonishing me about working too big of a sweat, 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember not being able to get on the water rides because 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember when the sky opened up without a moment's notice and it started to unleash gallons and gallons of water on the screaming and scampering thrill seekers. I remember my brothers racing to a nearby stand to grab a bag for my hair because 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember racing to the car and getting in the car and taking off the bag and laughing...My hair had not only turned back, it looked like I was first generation African. I also remembered wondering, when had I voiced that I didn't like my hair the way it was.

I didn't like the pressing comb. My mother always burned my ear and my head when she pressed it. It took all day and only lasted 15 minutes. I didn't like relaxers because they left scabs in my head because I was always scratching my head, even as the goob was getting applied to my head. And then, my mother was always finding someone to do my hair in their "home shop" and when my hair fell out the next day, she would understand why that person did hair in their home and not IN a shop. In high school my mother made me get my hair done every week because she always said my hair looked a hot mess...and I'm sure it did...but it was my hot mess. I always got accolades from both sexes when my Do was just right. I always felt good when the Indians were not just on the tips, but could be seen throughout my head. I am not sure when I started determining my beauty based on my hair, its texture, and its length...but it happened.

I have been wanting to start-over for a long time...especially with my hair. It is currently falling out due to my too blessed to be stressed, stress. I have wanted to stop the relaxers because I am tired of getting a touch-up every five weeks. I am tired of being a prisoner to my fears. I am tired of having my self-worth and beauty determined by superficial things. I am tired of being afraid to start over. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have never been much of a 'talker' I have been a doer.. and for a minute I have been going back and forth about this hair thing. I have been telling everyone that I want a do-over...then I have set back and listened to what all the naysayers have said...

Well last time I checked, them same haters told me that I couldn't be the 1st Black valedictorian in my high school, told me that I could not make it on my own, told me that I could not do law school as a single parent, told me that I wasn't beautiful because I wasn't light, didn't have straight feet, white teeth, didn't have really long hair, didn't have a big butt (but i really did used to have a dunk..i did) and well to them haters I say:

Look at me now,

Now that I ain't gots no hair (smile) maybe you too can finally see the beauty that lies within me that has been so wrapped in this protective bud, also lies on the outside. (now let me go straighten my wig)

"I have been waiting for my do-over; today, I realize that I really had been waiting in vain because all I had to do to get a fresh start was to allow my bud to open up and blossom."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

CQP: the answer is because I felt they defined me and determined my worth...was a testament to how strong I was...what I could endure...like battle wounds,scars. Gave me street cred...It was all that I had to hang my hat on...but no more, I am now in control of the ink that will memorialize the rest of this crazy journey...you welcome to come along for the ride.

i plan to get caught up on everyone's blogs this weekend so please excuse the late comments