Monday, December 26, 2011
but giving away my heart.
What a different a year makes. It seems like a lifetime has past since I last inked my soul's cry on here. I have been writing and sorting in my head BUT most importantly, I have been living. Not living and going through the motions, but living and actually participating in the moments. I have been creating moments that allow for the memories that will last a lifetime.
I think my last straw ~ my last stand ~ my broken beyond repair point was when I cut off all of my hair. How liberating....how freeing and yes, how scary. I no longer had anything to hide behind, to shield me... I was naked and boy did I embrace it, define it, and LOVE it!!!!
To have as many heartbreaks as I have had...to suffer as much as I have...to endure and see as much as I have and yet to be able to love after all of it.....what a victory!
To go from not being able to stand more than 5 seconds in front of a mirror to being the mirror's biggest fan ~ what a blessing.
What a liberating blessing to be able to look at the reflection in the mirror, flaws and all and say "I love you and can't nothing you do or say change that cuz you are the best thing going," and mean it...each and every word.
Letting go of the hurt, of the Past, of the negativity, of the People that mean me ill, of the People that have served their purpose, of the fear, of the uncertainty, of the prejudices, of the darkness has been the hardest part. Useless Baggage that does nothing but weigh you down. We know this..I knew this but yet I humped it on my back religiously...why?!? did it validate my story, did it strengthen me...did it empower me...did it help me in anyway besides speeding along the process of me getting the handi-to-be crippled badge?
The more I let go, the more masks I got rid of...because the people that I did not trust got 'let go' out of my life so there was no need for me to hide my hurt and pain any more.
I am currently unemployed with two minor kids and a mortgage and car insurance and bills on top of bills and no steady money in sight BUT I haven't been this happy in awhile. I am so in love with myself that even life's setbacks can only get me so down. I fell in love with a guy who chose not to return my love and I am okay cuz I know it's him and not me... ain't nobody flyer than me ; )
I am a moving and a shaking and a shaking and a moving and getting out of my own way. I used to be so concerned about who held the key to my heart that I never really allowed myself the opportunity to open my heart to allow anyone to use the key..so what did it matter that they had the key?
Now I hold the key and give my heart, locking it and opening as need be. I am so in love with loving me.
"Letting go does not diminish or erase what we have gone through. It does not weaken or tarnish what we have accomplish. It simply makes more space for us to receive greater blessings and it allows us to love a little more."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)
Friday, November 4, 2011
i remember when one of my readers commented that even though i was smiling, my eyes were crying.. *well that's what she meant even if she didn't say it like that* and she was right.
my eyes could no longer mask the turmoil of my soul. my despair. my depression. my downward spiral. my silent cry for help.
i wore many masks to shield me from any more hurt and pain BUT the masks only kept my tears from falling cuz the hurt and pain kept coming
there were times where i tried to will myself to eternal sleep... i was done. i had fought the fine fight.. i had lost and i was okay with defeat...i just wanted it to end. i didn't want any more...there was no more fight in me
or so i thought
i am the descendant of the best of the best of the best cuz the weaker ones perished on the ship
all my life i have had to fight
life for me aint been no crystal nor no hardwood stair
and well when i was at my breaking point i remembered that i was perfectly imperfect and that God didn't make me to be broken.
yes, i was tired BUT was i so tired that i would finally stop trying to do it my way?
i had tried it my way for years and it hadn't fared well for me
so i decided to give God another go...
you know to rely on faith and let HIM fight my battles
you know HE can move mountains
and well like my natural hair journey,
the initial process was rocky and downright scary,
but the more i let go, the more i began to find my comfort zone and my peace
the more i was able to shed my outer layers and let love in
my tears flow freely now and well i am ok with that cuz
when i smile now, my eyes smile too
"i planted a new seed and allowed God to water it, now i am sitting back and watching it grow'
Gotta luv moi, cuz i surely do~ Smooches
Friday, September 2, 2011
Luv came into this world right when the doctor said she would, quiet as a mute...she refuse to speak until she was one after that it was on and popping.. she spent most of her life making up for those 22 months of silence.
Luv was an extraordinary individual who lived an extraordinary life. She set many records and set the tone for those to follow. She took school seriously...going even when she didn't feel well. She missed 1 1/2 of school throughout her elementary career (1 day for the Bozo show and 1/2 for her brother's graduation). She had perfect attendance throughout high school and was bestowed the honor of being the 1st African American female valedictorian of her school, 2nd African American valedictorian. She loved to travel and have fun. She saw the world on a shoestring budget with the help of coupon books. Her friends and loved ones used to tease her about her fascination with coupons but always called her when they were looking for deals and discounts. She was the Queen of hook-ups.
She was the proud owner of Tweet's Sweets bakery which is renowned for it's yummy goodness across the globe. She also was the founder and director of a non-profit that served underprivileged young ladies. Luv was a proud servant of God...she boldly and fearlessly preached about God's kingdom, a kingdom many didn't believe she would inherit at the rate she used to cut up. Luv was a rebel without a cause at times which made us love her more. She was outspoken and witty, determined and persistent, lovable and loving.
She was a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend and she will truly be missed by all of those that she let into her life. She truly did an extraordinary job with living up her "dash of life"
gone but never forgotten
My self care plan
vison board deadline is 9/17
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wow, it's hard to believe we only have 7 more days left. I am so anticipating my letter... can't remember what day it is supposed to come. Or, what I am supposed to be working on...but I have to say that I feel good.. Up until now I have looked each challenge in its face and laughed at it.. pushed, move past, jumped over, silenced fear and kept it moving..
Well today we have reached a roadblock..okay we probably reached it yesterday. ...
So, make a new friend...um yeah...not really gonna happen. I have been burnt with sharing with like minded individuals my dreams and goals with regards to my cupcake business....one of my homies went and opened up her own cupcake business. So yeah, I can't afford to share any more of my touchable goals...not yet.
But, seeing I hate to be defeated, I have decided to reach out to the woman herself, Ms. HappyBlackWoman and asked her to be my friend.. and so yeah, I'm gonna invite her out so we can meet face to face since i missed her meet up and then we can go from there..
"sometimes you have to step back from a situation, see your fears and apprehensions for what they are and they and then step outside of the box to reach your desired result...everything ain't gots to be black and white or linear"
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It's about to be all about the dollar, dollar bill. (SN: shout-out to me for blogging for 22 days straight ! #geauxme)
So today's challenge was to pick an area of my life that i will focus on getting on track in the next 30 days...okay that isn't what it said really but you know how we do... So I am picking finances because in less than 30 days I will be jobless ~ yay me.. I am nervous about it but i really do need some time off and I am firm in my belief that God will not leave me... it will afford me some time to do some things I should have done a long time ago.. any who, let me get focused and back to the task at hand
"habit breeds consistency... having a plan limits anxiousness ... putting your plan in action allows you to reap what you have sown"
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I surely do (smooches)
Sunday, August 21, 2011
This one is gonna be kinda hard... well I guess not really. I have seen with my own eyes how much happier I have been since I stop spending every free moment with some folks that I love dearly. I mean I often laugh when I think about how some peeps who define themselves as being Christians really don't see how they really doing the devil's work...constantly gossiping, talking down, inciting rivalries, etc etc.
I just don't get it...I truly believe there is room for everyone who wants to be at the top to get there. I am not going to salt you down, steal your idea, stab in your back, none of that to get ahead. I don't understand the crabs in a barrel mentality.
Misery loves company... and misery hates to see other people succeed while it is still lying in the trenches.. I have to admit sometimes it's hard to be happy for people when you are steady getting pushed down...esp for peeps who in your mind don't deserve to get anything. It's even harder to be happy if you are surrounded by peeps who tell you that you shouldn't be happy for them...
This is why ever so often when I am sad and blue I go through my friend's list and phone and start deleting, blocking, etc.. I just can't waste any more time with peeps who aren't doing anything and who don't want to do better..
My Twitter fam don't bring me down... and I have deleted and blocked most FB that make my skin crawl... i guess there is one person I need to get rid of... but they don't contact me...I contact them....
"If changing was comfortable, everyone would be doing it.. nothing worthwhile comes easily..birds of a feather flock together... and bad association spoils a youthful heart... I am only as strong as my weakest link... time to do some house cleaning for real"
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Well it seems as I have missed a challenge....and it's probably due to the fact I was so consumed with trying to organize my crap and the crap of Chucky and Chucky's Bride. We have a lot of stuff for a 2 bedroom condo. A lot of stuff.. I am going to go buy some tins sometime this week so I can get a grasp on some of this stuff.
I really want to have a yard sale, but I have no yard.
I am going to give away my couch and sofa chair to make room for the storage tins for my bakery.
I am constantly giving away clothes and shoes, mine and the kids...
and well it may be time for me to give away my child's baby toys...I mean they are 8 years old..but me don't want too!!!! His stuff looks brand new for the most part because I made him take care of his stuff even as a baby.. but it may be time for me to give away his high chair and his bath rings and....
I am not a hoarder... I am just sentimental..
"Sometimes we allow physical things to bog and clutter our lives...the more we clean the clutter in our head, the more we will need to carve out physical space."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Now I lay me down to sleep, if I should die before I wake, I pray that I have done the following:
been loved by someone unconditionally romantically and loved unconditionally in return
had the opportunity to put Mrs. in front of my name
traveled to Egypt and Australia and perhaps even Asia
had a daughter that came from my own womb
had more good times than bad
reached financial stability
moved back home
became the parent that i so want to be for my son
strengthen my relationship with God so that I do not have to wonder if I will hear my name called from the grave
SN: oddly enough, i did yesterday's challenge and didn't even know it... i unplugged from the matrix and as soon as i figure out how to manage my fb page so i am not on there 5 and 6 hrs a day, i will be even happier
"Seeds are planted all the time, patience is needed to see if the seed was planted in such a way that good fruit will grow."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
i have decided that what shall be will be.. i still haven't decided how i am going to downsize my personal facebook page.. seems it takes up a lot of my time. I am going to probably make it so peeps can't post on my wall...they can leave me messages. i don't want to delete it totally because it's some peeps i need to keep in touch with who are worse than me when it comes to keeping on a phone.
i feel a massive deletion coming on...most of the people talk about stuff I don't care to read about anyways..
i am in a funk...me against the world....with continue pushing
Monday, August 15, 2011
I won't even begin to do today's assignment because well I just had a convo with another young lady doing this challenge the other day about how I need to delete or minimize Facebook and other Social Network sites because I wasn't getting done what I need to get done.
It is easy for me to let fear or lack of capital to turn me into a procrastinator...I will sit for hours on the computer reading up on everyone else's life instead of creating the life I want for myself.
So yeah, I waste a lot of time that I cannot get back then be like shudda cudda wudda.
So this week I will start making the transition of using my time to do things that will get me closer to the life that I want. I will use it to read the Bible, do marketing research, update my cake blog, finalize things I need to finalize and meditate..
I bet you Bill Gates ain't wasting his time on Facebook for free...
"My time is valuable and so is my life, when time runs out, well so does your life"
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
So yesterday's challenge was to write a narrative about living your future life now, and I was just too tired to do it then so I am gonna have to double post today. But this is my space so I can do that and if you don't feel like reading two then you have the right to click next cuz Luv gonna do what she gots to do and right now she gots to catch up in her assignments.
I am looking at my calendar seeing what days I can take off for my trip to Australia with my bff. We are going to have a blast. I am relaxing thinking about how much fun I had today, riding around on the boat looking at the peaceful view of the Chicago skyline. I am cherishing the happiness and peace I am feeling about my life and about where I am in life. I love being debt free.
I am so excited about being named minority business woman of the year. It was a hard road but I made it.. We made it. I have such a wonderful team. I cannot believe that I am running 5 separate business and a non-profit while being a loving mother and wife. I am financially sound and have make enough for a couple raining days.
I am learning and growing each and every day that I read God's word. There is so much I had forgotten or never paid attention to. I am so glad that I have chosen to educate myself on how to really become God's friend.
The free days are basically over. But so are the struggling, tongue to teeth days. I no longer fear opening my mailbox. I pay all my bills on time or early and have plenty of enough money to buy toilet tissue and buy the things I want and then some. I am financially sound. I have set up a retirement fund for myself and life insurance for the kids.
I have had all the surgeries I am going to need. I am mentally and physically healthy. I take time out for me to release, relax and relate. I am centered. I am going to get checkups on a regular basis and when I feel overwhelmed or scared, I pray or work out.. I also am getting plenty of rest which is key to staying mentally strong. I am actively swimming, skating and playing tennis.
My family life is wonderful.. I have mastered the art of patience. I have a great relationship with my son and my niece. I am absolutely loving being a wife. My husband is everything I have wanted and more. He makes me want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend. I love him so much.
I am doing my part to stay connected to my friends and to make sure I know what's going on in their lives. I write them snail mail often and I am going to go cruising with them next month. Just the girls. We gonna get out feet and hair wet and just enjoy being sister girls. I have mastered setting boundaries for people that tend to bring negativity into my life. I am loving them from a distance without allowing them to throw me off my square.
i am living the good life!
"Life is really about how you see it and the actions that follow once you see the life that you really want. Moving out of my own way and toward the future I deserve."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Friday, August 12, 2011
I have a burning in my soul, or is it my heart? I just know that I have to get it out, some way some how. So much is going on, so much is changing and well, I feel good, no I feel great! Better than Tony the Tiger Great
The funny thing is, when I think about it, the only thing that has physically changed is my outlook...yup the way I choose to see things. Not really about being half full, or half empty~moreso about me just believing that I can do all things and trusting in myself and knowing that I AM NOT PERFECT, BUT I AM PERFECTLY ME! It's kinda crazy how I happened upon this 31 reset challenge when I was kinda already on one. I had decided that I was gonna just release whatever I found in me to be toxic. I had decided that I was going to start to be the me that I wanted to be tomorrow, today. I had decided that enough was enough; yes, i was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And look what happened.
I forgave my granny and my brother. And while it really didn't bother me one way or another, that act of kindness allowed me to forgive myself and I am sure it opened up the passage for God to also forgive me cuz Lawd knows I am a sinner ~ and so are you, and you and yes, even you. : )
I am enjoying my walk of faith.. the more I trust myself, the more I put trust in God...yeah, I know it's kinda backwards, but I am sure God understands. I unfortunately cannot begin to trust anyone until I can trust myself again. I am enjoying being me again...just carefree and really living without regards of how he, she and even you may feel about me. I am seeing folks for who they are and well I am allowing them to be them, while I make the necessary adjustments that will allow them and me to simply be at the same time without any problems. ; )
(SN: not sure what's going on with my font..it's kinda funky)
Here is something I wish I had said almost a year ago to a certain someone...and well our ships have sailed and though we pass each other often in the night, the feelings just don't feel the same so I will use this space to say what I couldn't and/or didn't say then:
From the moment I saw you, I was beyond intrigued. Not sure what it was or even what it could be. My body was calling for you, when it had been peacefully asleep. I watched your swag and had to laugh, it was clear you were used to getting whatever it was to be had. Even if I wanted to give and you wanted to get, I knew deep down we could never let ourselves go down that road... Lust, Love, Lies and feelings untold lead to frustration and confusion and possibly even some delusion.. i don't know. I just knew that when you took my calls, I smiled. I remember the 1st time you hugged me, I didn't freeze up in fear. I remember our public spat and how things were different...we didn't play so much on IM... more and more of my text went unanswered...and when i saw you i didn't get them butterflies or them goosebumps but i started feeling rather out of place like i was doing too much..like i was chasing you when you should be chasing me...time doesn't stand still and there is no changing what's already in the Past...but I did want to say somewhere what I would have said if I wasn't so shy and timid. And it's simply this: I think you have the potential to be a great better half and would like to see if your better half was me (mama mac)
"i am not perfect, but I am perfectly me. There will be times when I will rub you the wrong way and even disappoint you, but know this, if I have dubbed you my cuzzo, my sistah, my brother and most importantly my friend, that I will stand beside you in your darkest hour, that I will pull you up as I rise, I will get behind you and push you when it is your turn to want to give up, I will stand and applaud you when you have achieved the impossible dream. Thank you for allowing me to simply be me "~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I am my sister's keeper. Why? Cuz we are all connected by a thread called human. It's funny because when you watch children play regardless of race, color, they all seem to get this fact. They will look around find someone that peeps their interest and run up to that person and start playing. Throughout the course of the day they will start to look out for one another and even profess that they are the best of friends.
Ain't it funny how things change when we grow up or even after someone educates us according to their prejudices and biases?
We are more willing to hurt and cause each other pain than to help them. We get more joy from seeing people suffer than we do them succeeding. And that's why when we get ourselves in a pickle we really don't have too many above us that can lift us up to the next level. It's more than crabs in a barrel mentality. It's a generational sickness.
So any who, today we were told to pick an accountability partner and well I picked two cuz well I can do that. Well I picked QQ cuz well sometimes he believes he is a neutral party even though he isn't but because I know that he genuinely wants to see me beat the demons that have been holding me hostage all these years, even if it's so he can pat himself on the back like he had something to do with my progress. Then I picked one of my sisters who from the very first time we met, we clicked. She balances real talk with a mixture of empathy. She is gonna give it to me straight with no chaser but she not going to beat me over the head with it. And, she has proven that she is not threaten by me succeeding.
Funny thing is, someone valued my input enough to make me their accountability partner #geauxme (more affirmation that I am making more and more mental space inside of me by cleansing and getting out of my own way)
"Yes, I can do it alone, but it's so much sweeter to know I have someone rooting me along."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
II have picked my left foot up and I am about to put my right foot down...and I am gonna keep on moving cuz I have already lost too much ground!
Oooh I am soooo ready to break out and sing "Can't you feel a brand new day" So, yesterday was day 9 and I didn't get a chance to blog about it because my days have been pretty jam packed. Actually I on got a chance to glance at the assignment before I fell asleep. But I am seeing that even though I didn't physically get to do it, I actually subconsciously completed today's assignment anyways from what would have been on my life's circle.
Today I went to see a man about a horse...or in other words, I went to see Quacky Quack. And low and behold when I left out do you know this man finally stated that I had been open!!!! My time left here must be shorter than I had calculated. But for those of you who have been following my internal battle, know that I have had a very hard time opening us to QQ. For a lot of reasons and for no reason at all. Anyways for me to become a healthy better me, I need to be able to express what is going on with me if only for the sake of clearing mental space. And well today I reaffirmed for myself that I am well on my way.
And I know I am gonna make it this time..this time I am gonna make it!!!!
It's a beautiful thing to wake up and know that I am going to be okay regardless of what goes down. I am so proud of me and how I am being consistent with learning to respond vs. react. I am also learning to be patient and to cut myself some slack. I just really can't wait until I see what's waiting for me at the end of this tunnel.
Still cracking up at QQ saying the guy for me is going have to have an abundance of tolerance...i don't care what he has as long as he walking with a big stick.
"Sometimes we go for so long with being hungry that when we are finally offered food, we cannot eat....no need to fret because sooner or later the hunger pains will get the best of us and we will figure out a way to digest something."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
It's funny seems like I was doing today's assignment without even knowing it..#movingoutofmyownway
Today's task is to write down things we are thankful for ~ focusing on the positives in life. Yeah, I can dig it.
Today I was thankful that I am not financially stable because it afforded me the opportunity to give my child the opportunity of sailing a sail boat, cuz trust me, if I wasn't getting a discount I would not have been shelling out the $350 it cost to take the class...and neither would I be shelling out the $590 for dance class that I am about to register both Chucky and Chucky's Bride for. ...and that's $590 a piece.
I am grateful to have wonderful friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin.
I am thankful for my never say die attitude.
I am thankful for my gracious, loving God.
I am thankful for y Ice.
I am thankful for my A to B car.
I am thankful for all the lil things that make me, me,
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the finest of them all? You gots that right, it's ME!!!! If you can't tell, I am really feeling myself right now, and well it's about dang ole' time.
I have learned a lot about myself this last week, this last month. It's funny that this 31 day reset came at a time in my life when I was doing just that...I was turning back the hands of time. I was relinquishing old baggage. I was forgiving and letting go. I was getting out of my own way because something in my soul is telling me that my breakthrough is near... I can smell it....oooh I can taste it!!!
So, this last week I have to say that I was happy to see the changes that had already set in motion were really seeping to my heart. I told myself that I was going to look in the mirror and regardless of what I saw, I was going to deal with it for what it was absent of emotions. So, when I faced difficult assignments, I didn't feel the need to procrastinate or shut down because I didn't let my feelings get the best of me. What has been done, is done. I can't do anything about it but accept it, learn from it and move on... and I'se a moving!!!!
I would say that the most enjoyable assignment for me was writing the love letter to myself. It just put a smile on my face. I am not sure why, but it's proof that I have learned to love Luv in a way that I haven't been able to love in a long time.
"I may not be where I want to be in life...or even where I need to be...but I am still here and I am still moving and still learning which means I am still living, and one day I will look up and see that I have reached my destiny."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Day 6, wow, I have consistently blogged for six days....that's a huge victory for me because it means that I had enough mental space to sit down and do something other than fade into the background for six days in the row... go me! Moving out of my own way has been the biggest blessing.
So today we are supposed to etch in stone our mission statement of who we are and/or who we would like to become.
I am the love that I see in my ICE, I am the openess and warmth that I feel when I visit my family in Tennessee, I am the easy-going neighbor down the hall, I am not Bill Gates' rich, but I am financially stable and happy to know that not only am I providing for my family but I have a little left over for the fun things in life. I am stepping past, over, around fear. I will no longer hide my brilliance because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I am loving, learning, living, forgiving, and letting things go and covering it all with LOVE. I am loving Luv unconditionally, faults and all. I am cutting her some slack because she is not perfect even though she tries to be. I am embracing the day and getting the most out of it because tomorrow is not promised to me or to those that I care about the most...and what I don't get done today, I will gladly give it the *Kanye shrug* and make time for it the next day, and if the next day doesn't come, oh well, I will know that I lived the day to it's fullest. I am walking a more steadfast, a more heartfelt, a more faith-building walk with God and trusting that He has me even when I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am running my own bakery and it's very successful (please click "like" -----> ) I am so focused on my own walk that I do not see or hear the naysayers traveling around me. I am happy and free!
"Who I am today, is not who I was yesterday, and neither are the woman I will be tomorrow."
~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Friday, August 5, 2011
What's my score, my grade on life as it regards to playing the game with regards to my values? Should I be crowned the Slam Dunk Champ? Well, let me start off by saying that I give myself a 5 for showing up and looking so fly, cuz I make what I do look easy when it is no where near easy. It's like Pac said... I'm crying inside but outside I am looking Big... (i hope that's what he is saying cuz that's how I have been singing that song and HOW i am going to continue to sing the song : 0 )
My walk with God is a 6.5. I have the tendency to treat God like I treat man...i cut Him off. I get mad with Him...I stop speaking to Him. I move Him down the totem pole. Yep, dead wrong. That's why I am so excited about my present walk with Him..I am walking and allowing Him access to what's behind my walls so it can be a heartfelt walk and not just me going through the motions.
My family well I give myself a 5 cuz there is so much more I could be doing with my son. I really have to learn to be more patient with him and more touchy feely... I just don't like all that warm and fuzzy stuff.
Friends I give myself a 9 cuz I am the bomb when it comes to being a loyal friend.. I so love my friends.
Financially security um yeah a 2... I wish I could say I had the Kool-aid and no sugar, that would be an upgrade. I need to find a job that is on my level no more just in-the-meantime jobs.
Health it's about a 6...I have some issues and I am currently going to the doctor to get them addressed AND I have given up my crack...(baking soda)
Traveling is an 8... I have finally gotten back into the swing of just getting up and going... As long as my car can get me there, Imma push it.
Love hmmm Idk...but I do know that I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time but I still have a ways to go...yet the more I move out my own way, the more I find myself loving me. Pretty sound my King will be here to love me too.
"Looking, Accepting, Reflecting, Adjusting, Letting Go, Moving On"
~ Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Thursday, August 4, 2011
So today's assignment is about determining your values... who, what, where matters to me?
God matters to me. I am not ashamed to say it. I love God; He is good to me even when I am not good to myself and even when I give HIM my behind to kiss. Sometimes I get mad with God, when I should really be mad with myself and with another. God has never left me and He never will because HE is faithful and true. I don't always exercise my faith in HIM, but that's something I am working on. I don't understand how some people doubt God exists, but to each their own...let them same people get in a tight spot, I bet my last dollar they calling out God or Jesus name for help.
Family matters to me. I would really like to have one of those families I see on t.v. Wish I could have the Huxtable style family..heck I would even settle for the Barr's. This is probably why I love going down South so much...they welcome me with open arms and love me like family should even though they ain't seen me in years.
My son matters to me...shh don't tell him.
Friends, I value friendship because when I didn't have a family God gave me good friends to keep me sane. I get so mad when I have to cut a friend off cuz they acting like my family.
Being able to provide for my family is very important to me. I value Financial Security.
LOVE LOVE LOVE AND MORE LOVE...did I say LOVE.. there's nothing like loving someone and having them love you in return, even if that someone is YOU, or in my case, ME! I am so in love with me, flaws and all, I am not perfect, but I am perfectly me! #pow
I don't value money but I do value the things it can bring me like opportunities to better myself and the lives of my son and my niece.
I value travel...I love traveling the world and seeing how others live.
I value time..it's something that's so valuable that so many people take for granted, once it's gone it's gone
I value good food..and if you don't know what this is, please take a trip to CHICAGO and get your eat on.
I value good health, cuz once it's gone a lot of times you can never get it back.
I also value the lil things. It's hard to explain but my motto is: Anyone can get the big things right, it take a special person to show you they care enough to pay attention to the fine detail.
"Sometimes in life, we forgot who we are because we forgot what matters to us the most and we begin living our lives according to someone else's belief and value system, that's why it's so important to take time out to come back to your middle, come back to the core of who you are....living, loving, learning and pushing forward while moving out of my own way."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Life for you hasn't been a crystal, let alone a metal stair; nevertheless, you have fought the good fight and you have come out on top. I love the way you have taken control of your life and either completely gotten rid of folks that mean you harm or limited their access to you. I love the way you have changed the way you interact with your son and your niece. I love the way that you take time out each and everyday to give thanks to Jah for allowing you more time to get your life right and for you to be able to see the blessings in being you. I love your unstoppable spirit and that contagious smile.
I love how you are taking the necessary steps to take care of your health..I know it can be scary to do it alone but just think about how much happier Chucky gonna be knowing you will get to harass him for a lot more years. I love that you are eating healthier and not just making the kids eat healthier. I love how you have completely kicked your addiction to Baking Soda and Baking Powder.
I love how you are now utilizing your legal and English degree to help provide the financial security that you had been longing for. I love how you are using your education to help others.
I love how your are getting your finances in order by paying the bills that you can on time to build up your credit. I love how you switched from a big named carrier to a prepaid to free up more money that could go towards taking care of the kids. I love how you are still able to save up for a rainy day.
I love how you are handling running your own business why working a full-time job and starting up a non-profit... You are my shero.. You give me goosebumps when I think of all that you do.
I love how you are waiting on love and no longer panicking or feeling jealous or envious when you see individuals in what appears to be loving relationships....your time is coming. I love how you are so committed to reacquainting yourself with Luv, self-love is a beautiful thing. I love how you have accepted that your family will probably never change and can NEVER change what and how they have treated you in the future but that you can and have set up boundaries for them now. I also love how you are there for your friends who are also going through it, you have such a big heart and I know someone with an even bigger heart is gonna come sweep you off your feet..
Stay true to yourself Luv, Stay true to your walk with God, Stay true to LOVE and you shall be alright
Smooches to yah,
"If you can't love yourself or see better for yourself, how do you expect anyone else to? Change your outlook and everyone else will adjust accordingly."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Everyone's getting ahead...but me.
Well that's how it feels when you are constantly grinding and grinding and grinding... it feels like everyone else is living the "good life" aka the "champagne life" while you are struggling to make ends meet, find love, do x,y,z.
At least that is how I have felt over these Past 11 years of just existing and getting by. But now my outlook is a lil bit different because I CHOOSE for it to be different and it all started with me looking at the "WO"man in the mirror and making changes that I didn't necessarily want to make but changes that I knew I needed to make if I wanted to change that pic at the top into this pic here:
So I started looking at my situations and my choices for what they were...being honest for the part I played in them and making the necessary adjustments and moving on. And I plan to do the same thing with this assessment.
Lifestyle: I like that I am FINALLY living again and creating a life outside of my normal hustle and bussle...outside of running around Chucky and Chucky's bride.. That I am back to enjoying my own company. I do not like that I really don't have a core group of folks I can hang out with that I really truly trust. I mean I trust them to a certain extent and then yeah...not a lot of them I would totally open up to even though they have opened up to me about their stuff...AND other people's stuff. Then there is the consistency thing. A lot of my adventurous girl homies don't have kids so of course they don't want to be bothered with kids all the time..and sometimes I just can't get rid of them. Then my homies with kids they don't really like doing the same things that I like to do...then finances is an issue.. and well sometimes I feel kinda stuck. Even though I am very happy with going to dinner, movie, etc by myself ( I am loving getting to know me all over again) sometimes I do want to share my company with other people who I don't have to be on guard with.
Work: I like that I have a job. I do not like that my job does not even cover my mortgage.
Education: I like that I have been blessed with the opportunities that I have had. I do not like that I let fear paralyze me, resulting in me losing my spot at Emory University...even though I am grateful for how Howard embraced me, I really believe my life would have been very different had I gone to Emory.
Finances: I like being able to have some money because I know of people with none. I do not like not making enough money to feed my child or to by toilet paper or to buy myself new panties when I want to! (thanks heavens for those years working at Vickis cuz I stocked up)
Health: I am not in a wheel chair. I am not assisted by a seeing eye dog. I am not confined to a bed. I don't like being in pain everyday. I don't like not having adequate insurance to have the tests I need ran to determine what is causing my pain.
Family: My son loves me even when I do not love myself. I do not like the fact that I had to add my niece to my family because her mother/my sister doesn't want her. I do not like that my family likes to expose the people that are trying to do something with their lives and shield and cover for the ones that need some serious help.
Relationships: I like that I am at a point in my life where I am really figuring out who and what is good for me..be it platonic or romantic. I do not like that I may have missed the chance of being loved unconditionally because it took me so long to own up to some of my skeletons.
Sometimes when you have walked with your head hung down for so long, you forget to pick it back up to see that you have actually come a long way. Living, Learning and Seeing.
~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)