Surprise Ninjas......

.....I'm still alive!!!!


All glory goes to God because some of my homies, my loves, my support systems did not make it.


Cancer sucks beyond belief.  It is one of those things that doesn't take you quietly, doesn't leave you your dignity.  It will make you lose all of your religion, right after your not so common sense.


 I sometimes wish my enemies would catch it 20 times (as you can see, my Christian walk is still a walk in progress).


At least I'm moving cuz for a second I was standing idle, waiting for the shoe to drop for me.  I was tired.  I was down and the count was at 9...yeah things didn't look good for me.


My soul is uneasy right now...so many bad anniversaries around this time.  The anniversary of when my child and my life was flipped upside down.  The anniversaries of several friends gone too soon.  The anniversary of when I once again had to stare the prospect of death in the eye and say, "If I go, I'm going with grace and in Luv flare."


A year ago, my pressure was dropping quickly... the machines were going off, yet no one was coming in my room to check on me; so I pressed the call button and said, "I think y'all need to get the crash cart ready."  The nurse comes rushing in there, him looking at the machine then looking at me and then back at the machine.  "Whoa, that's not good."



"What clued you in, the loud beeping noise or the numbers?"


He look at me and stared. 


"Do I need to call my doctor or are you going to figure out what needs to take place to stop me from crashing?"  As I am texting my PIC updates on where my pressure is and what is going on... Chucky is gonna need to eat if I don't make it; I want to make sure the folks that represent my estate on his behalf make sure he's eating sirloin and lobster not whoppers and chicken rings. 

"No, I will be right back." He scurries away.


I page my doctor and tell him my pressure is dropping and that it is already in the danger zone.  I tell him what it is, he tells me that he will call me right back.  I am glad everybody thinks I got time to be waiting, them numbers already right above the 30s...come to think of it, I probably should already be going into shock seeing how my blood is at a 5.6.   But I know deep down that I cannot die today.  Or in this hospital.  For Chucky's sake, I can't....


I have to hold on.  I have to make him out to be a liar as his last words he said to me before he left last night echoed in my head, "You are going to die tomorrow, you are going to die on that surgery table!"


Well technically I had already made him out to be a liar cuz I was in my hospital room 3 hours past surgery and being on the table.  But that wouldn't matter to him, all he would know is that I went in and didn't come back out to great him like I said. 


Yeah, I had to fight...I had to get angry...I had to raise my pressure somehow, some way.


Nurse come back in with reinforcements.  They all looking at me and looking at the machine. Me, yeah I'm looking at them wondering how long before I go Dr. Jekyll on them.  They hook a bunch of things up to my IVs.  Then one of them says to me, "Your doctor called, he thinks this will work to bring your pressure up."


I start pacing.  The pain is starting to creep up on me.  I read the labels on the various bags now dripping into my IV, making sure they ain't catch me slipping.  I told them no pain meds and I knew the generic and brand names of all the good stuff they might try and sneak me.


"You want something for the pain?"  One of them asked as they are all still huddled around my monitor.


"No."


"Why not, you are in pain, it will help you rest."


"I don't need to rest, I need to fight and I don't need my pressure dropping lower than what it already is from the pain meds."  Ha, she looked surprised.  Take that and my pressure jumped a point!


I feel light enough to float which is my cue that I need lie down for a spell.  I look at the numbers on my machine.  Things don't look good...even with that point. Hmph.  I text my PIC reminding her to keep her word if the worse comes to light. 


No snakes at my funeral.


 I drift off to sleep with the crew still huddled around my monitor, looking at it and looking at me. 


This can't be living.


"Sometimes all we get is one shot, one moment, one chance.  There is no promises of tomorrow nor second chances that is why we have to make each moment count by living in that space and time that we may never get a redo on.  Love, Laugh, Live with no regrets or strings attached."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Looking Up...

Trying to determine if and when it's gonna stop unloading on me.


So I got extended from September 30th to December 31st at work. On Sept 30th I went to the hospital presenting like I was going to have a heart attack. My pressure was way high. I think it was like 140/82 or something like that. My pressure is normally low. The bottom number is normally like 65.


I missed a week of work...no pay. I was gonna use my week of bedrest to clean my house but instead I had to deal with whiny kids whining about things that didn't concern me. I felt bad because it got to a point where I would simply state to them, "I don't care." And as a parent and an aunt, I guess I should pretend to care even if I really don't.

On September 7th I drove my niece to Chicago so she could be with her Granny that she was crying for and so that her Granny could put her money where her gangsta texts were. I used up my rainy day play money to get her there. On Sept 10th, I made it back East and planned on resting up a lil before I headed back to work, plus my knee looked like a watermelon. On Sept 10th, that night is when I found out my niece was going to be sold or given to a stranger. On Sept 11th, I was back on the road, this time I had to driving 5 hours past Chicago to get my niece from a total stranger...no not her mama. Someone I had met on Twitter had agreed to secure my niece until I got there and for that I am forever grateful. It's funny how majority of my biological family came up with all kinds of excuses of why they couldn't help me rescue their family member and this complete stranger was like, "tell me what you need me to do." The young lady that rode with me to get my niece was really just an acquaintance up until then...yeah, we went to law school together but we weren't really friends...I don't even think we really cared for each other at all. Yet, when I Facebooked that I needed a rider to the Chi' she responded and she drove the 1st 12hours so that I could get some rest. She did what many who claim to have my back, wouldn't.

So since returning, I have been fighting this demon and that demon. Running here and running there. All the while knowing in the back of my mind that I am working on borrowed time. Time is running out even though it feels like it's standing still. December 31st is coming. A new year is about to break and well, I am in a different space but it looks and feel like I am still standing in the same place. I spent up all my rainy day money and savings, saving a child that isn't mind. Ironic or satirical?

I am playing catch up in a race that I am feeling is not mine to run. I keep telling myself that God wouldn't have made a way for me to get her only to have me not be able to take care of her. And I am definitely not going to let my child go without shelter, food and water. If I gots to go cop me some Cindahooka shoes, so be it. I figured I wouldn't be the first person to fall off the pole.

So I am starting an organization, but every time I am supposed to meet with my advisor, something comes up: 105 fever, hives, grown-up threatening my child, diarrhea, no sitter, etc... I am also in the process of marketing and pushing my cake business, please check out my page Tweet's Sweets on Facebook and follow me on Twitter: Tweets_Sweets_ (ps. my Sweets don't just look good, they taste good too)

I gots my Husl'a hat on but honestly, my heart and mind's not feeling this street corner grind any more. I know that change is gonna come. I know that I have to be the change I want to see. I know that that I need to stay focused and prayful. I know that if I believe it, that I can achieve it. I know all of this...but I still don't like it.

My soul wants to quit but my body will continue to PUSH until my last breath has been gasped...

"Pray Until Something Happens...that's all we can do when we are faced with unrelenting adversity, frustration, persecution, trials, and turmoil...forward movement is still progress even if it's a turtle's pace."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

When Time Stands Still

What do you do? Or I guess the better question is what can you do? You can't hurry it up, and perhaps you shouldn't try to cuz it may make matters worse...and well it's no turning back the hands, so.....

I have been MIA cuz time has been holding me in one place. A place of confusion, frustration and aggravation. A place of anger and distrust and helplessness. A place of feeling lost and all alone. A place that looked familiar but felt ohhh so different. A place that maybe can be is my crossroad, my turning point, my deciding factor of what is it going to be.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed and I am on high alert. Everything I am seeing, feeling, experiencing is almost like deja vu'... I have been here before...well not here, but a lot of the things I am combating, I have fought and battled before...who knows, maybe this is the same war from before...

I have my niece and well I have to get used to the idea that she is mine...or going to be mine...or as much as mine as I can claim cuz there is no one she knows to send her to. My mother, after all of her gangsta texts of what she could do and would do and how I was mistreating my niece because I wasn't giving her sugar folded like a bad poker hand when I drove my niece home to her. But instead of growing that lil jealous girl up and texting me and telling me she had made a mistake and that I had called her bluff, she drove my niece to her mother who had already made it abundantly clear that she didn't want her. (Still not sure what would allow a mother who ain't cracked out to pick and choose which child she gonna keep and love) So my sister made arrangements to sell???/give (not sure got it secondhand, and just like secondhand smoke, it's deadly) her to someone in Tennessee. My niece doesn't know anyone in Tennessee. She barely knew me when I got her...and though I tried to act nonchalant like I didn't care about what happened to her since she didn't come out my twat, I couldn't.

My child who had cheered when I came home to get him with a nieceless car, said, "Mommy, you have to go get her, a stranger will kill her cuz she is crazy." And he was right. I had to go get her cuz if you ain't used to dealing with a child of her magnitude you may black out and come to and find your hands around her neck.

So even though my legs were tired from just driving 12 hours there and 9 hours back to drop her, and I didn't have any leave, or any money, I got on FB and secured me a rider, then I got on Twitter and secured me a plan A and a plan B to get her cuz my sister told me that by Wednesday my niece would be gone forever and she was telling me this on Monday night, so we hopped in the car and drove the 31hrs round trip to get her, and now she's here, with me....

And as my child said, "she gonna be with us forever and ever..."


When we got back, my tire blew and all I could think was "this wasn't how my fairytale was supposed to play out, but things could be worse, my tire could have blown while we were balling through those mountains."


"When your plan doesn't match up with God's plan, He will certainly move things out of the way to get you back on track."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

To Be Continued......

Thursday's Therapy (2 of 2) ~ Suck It Up

Life isn't fair.


I know this.


I have known this.....



BUT


I don't cannot accept this.







I cannot accept that unqualified people will always get the promotion that someone else deserves simply because they know the man sitting next to the gosh darn man.





I cannot accept that irresponsible people will always find someone to pick up their slack therefore never being forced to act/be responsible.





I cannot accept that simply because I did not create the problem that the problem is not mine to solve.



So, my sister has had another baby. Her 3rd in two and a half years. It's funny what's important to people when they have their own garbage and mess all locked up in the closet. I say this because when people hear this they always go off on a tangent about birth control. Birth control won't fix her or the problem. My sister needs help. I know this. . Her parents know this. Even Chucky's Bride knows this. It would appear that my sister is the only clueless one. I understand her plight....well, I get it. She is searching for love. For something or someone to love her. I am on that same journey, just a different road.



I knew babies came to be loved, not to love. This is why Chucky's only living siblings are on his paternal side. This single parent stuff is for the birds. Believe that. I mean I have seen people who make it look easy, especially when they pulling in the big dough and got an army ready to support them, standing behind them. I'm not sure who my sister has outside of her mother.





I'm not sure who I have. I'm not sure what I would do in her situation. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. But, I do know this. I have to keep this baby, even though deep down I don't want to. I have to break the circle or at least make an attempt. I have to stand up to my family's demons. I have to affect the change I wanted to see when I was growing up a motherless, fatherless child.

So since I received that text that stated 'bad news, you gonna have to keep her til December' I have been pouting and stomping my feet. Shouting what about me? What about what I want? What about what I want to do? What about all my plans I have made since your last text that you were getting her June 19th and keeping her? What about...

Yeah, it's not about what I want, it's about what I need to do...

Farewell Never Neverland.

"Life isn't fair. Many times on this journey we will find out that the choices we have to make are not necessarily the choices we want to make, they are simply the ones we need to make. Life comes at you fast, make sure you react accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy~Polar Express

As long as I can remember, there has always just been two sides to me.....

Hot ~ Cold

Positive ~ Negative

High ~ Low

Black ~ White

....either it is, or it isn't. Simple. Straightforward.

It's what I had to do to survive at such an early age. It's what is causing so much turmoil and chaos in my life right now.

It is hard AND it was hard as a child trying to make sense of all the foolishness that was going on around me. Because the simple, straightforward way is not always the best way OR the only way. Life is not like a math equation. I know this...I know this all too well because if it was, none of my plan's would have failed. I would not be where I am today still dealing with issues of yesterdays.

Up until this point, I have only had to really rely on me so it really didn't matter that it had to be either this way or that way because typically it was either this way or that way. Having a child does something to that equation, especially when that child has feelings and thoughts that are not my own.

For so long, I have been placing a circle in a square hole refusing to see that even though it "fits," it really doesn't fit. Or that it won't fit all of the time....

I want it this way but I also want it that way and well I can't have it both ways...but in my mind, it doesn't make sense, why can't I have my cake and eat it too. It's my blasted cake and if I bake it, why can't I eat it?

It's funny because everything feels like it is coming to a head in my life all at once. But, this isn't the first time this has happened in my life and I am sure it won't be the last....However, I do want it to be the first time (in a long time) that I have dealt with things in a rational, even, middle-ground manner.

I cannot do it all. (I know this) I need help. (I know this) I want help. (I know this) But, I have still been trying to do it all (Doesn't make much sense).

It's funny because for as long as I can remember, I have been one of those people that will either not ask for help and suffer through it, or ask for help and place a mental time frame on when I think the help should arrive and if it doesn't arrive in the form and fashion that I think it should arrive, I withdraw my request for help and go back to suffering through it. Yup, the Lil Red Hen.

Now there is nothing really wrong with my method (me getting defensive) but in all honesty, it is. This method has shaped me and it has helped me accomplish some really outstanding goals BUT as much as it has helped me, it has probably hurt me twice as bad.

Everything cannot be on my time. Everything will not be on my time. Everything does not have to be on an etched in stone time frame.

My child is wilding out. He has bumped his head and forgotten not only who he is BUT who his mama is...I guess it is a good thing he has some really great people in his corner who are willing to do what those who were in my corner growing up wouldn't do: SPEAK UP and FIGHT for him. (who is fighting for me?)

My child has stolen again...at least twice since our scared straight episode. The only difference is that instead of telling the truth, this Bama has lied about it. The first time, he lied on two adults. And this last time he stated that "if CB had been minding her own business and not his, I wouldn't have known anyways." So, me being me wanted to have him locked up...placed behind bars...um, possibly overnight...but due to the powers that be, this did not happen. So, I resorted to taunting him with the idea of going to jail. Telling him that he was going to get locked up. That they were going to "ching-ching him" making handcuffed, locked up gestures. Every time he looked at me, I mouthed, "You are going to jail." All of this going on while CQP is discussing with me how my child still refused to admit that he stole the gum (yup, I gots me a petty thief) but was making comments like "if I tell the truth, I am going to go to jail." Then CQP lays into me about how unhealthy my present behavior is and well at that point, I really didn't care and I told him so. WHO CARES?!?!

I do.

Even though I picked that time to have an Effie moment: "What about me? What about what I want? What about my feelings? What about me?" I knew I was wrong and that it was more than about me. It was about the team. (My Stomp the Yard theme that I had been trying to embed in my child the last couple of weeks.)

And I guess it was then that it hit me...even though I didn't embrace it until much later that night...that I really had to stop acting like a child and pouting when things didn't go as planned or as quickly as I liked. AND that even though I did not want to have all of my child's issues and inappropriate behaviors shifted to me, they really were my issues and they really were about me.

So, I guess CQP was right (dead): I am going to have to demonstrate the behaviors that I want my child to display. I am going to have to be that change that I want to see in him.

And in my mind this doesn't make sense because I don't understand why I have to re-train my child. I don't understand why my child just can't go back to acting the way he had been acting these last 6 years. I don't understand why I always gots to do something. I mean haven't I done enough...what I got him going to see a therapist for if I am the one that is going to have to do all of the work?(yes, this is me venting)

But, in reality all of this is about me and not about my child. And it angers me that it is affecting my child. It angers me that I do not have control over the situation and did not have control over the situation that brought us to this point. It angers me that my anger and my "2-pole" outlook has gotten in the way of me dealing with this situation in the appropriate manner. I cannot nurture and discipline at the same time. That's why you have bad cop, good cop. Mom and dad. So because of my choices, I have to put on both caps but because of the experiences that have shaped me, I choose to wear the dad cap with my male-child more so than the mom cap. I do not want a punk for a son. I do not want a mama's boy. (lawd, but it appears that I have one anyways) I do not want no deadbeat who is going to take instead of contribute to society. You know you have to train them from infancy....and I have been...and up until this point, my method has worked, but now I am seeing the importance of balance. I haven't been balanced with my child. I don't like getting intuned with my "touchy feelly" side.

The devil is also attacking. Whenever, I am at a point in my life where I am trying to draw closer to God, (because I treat God the same way I treat people....if I pray and Manna doesn't fall from the sky or I don't walk on water, I, um, rescind my prayer) which I am now, things start happening in my life that are extreme and one after another. Like the other day my tire blew out on 295. I checked my tire before I got on the road...it was fine. But before the blow out, I was dealing with something different, everyday, it seemed like, with my child. Did I mention that he had started defecating on himself? And guess what, MAMA DOES NOT DO DO-DO! (just in case I didn't mention this before) Then it's little things that if I ignore for too long becomes big things...and they all are becoming big things at the same time: NOW.

Sidebar: But I remember back in July I want to say it was...I had started to get myself together...started to let go of things that was interfering with my relationship with God and the same thing happened... a lot of EXTREME things started happening in my life...I remember the climax being the entire emission system falling from underneath my car while we were on Rte 50. I remember how I responded to things back in July, which is probably why I am taking a similar exam now in March.

So, this is about me. All of this. The good, the bad, and the not so pretty. I say I want this. I say I want change. I say that I am changing. So now is the time to put up, or shut up. To play, or go home crying. Am I willing to put in the work that is needed to effect the change that I want? Am I going to talk, blog about it, and not be about it?

What am I going to do? (It's funny because I have a post saved where I am trying to hash out what I need to do and what I want to do...and it's saved because my thoughts were so thick, so muddled, so not there...but now I think I am ready to tackle it)

I went to bed alone, defeated, crying, eating baking soda, and having a conversation with God. I was asking Him to take care of my child because I did not think that I could do it any more. I told Him of my plans and explained to Him why I felt it was necessary for me to do what I was going to do. I told Him some of the pressing things that were bothering me, things that I have been avoiding because I didn't have the will to deal with it or did not know really know how to go about dealing with the situation.

I woke up alone. I felt calm. I got up to check the time and to start cleaning. (cleaning sometimes helps me free up mind clutter) But, I stopped cleaning even before I started. As I was mentally getting myself prepared to clean, while simultaneously going through the list of things I needed to accomplish today, I read a text from CQP in response to my text apologizing for being so emotionally draining and informing him that I knew what I needed to do and I was going to do it...his response wasn't in itself very profound, but it was a phrase or maybe sentence that connected with me, that managed to unlocked some common sense that I had forgotten I had locked away for a raining day.

And just like that, I had answers to some of my pressing issues. Well, to be honest. I always had the answer but now I understood why I needed to go ahead and do what I knew I needed to do from jump but was too afraid to totally commit.

"Faith and trust go hand and hand. Almost like peanut butter and jelly. Without trust, I can not have faith...without faith, I cannot truly trust. I am learning that the more I trust myself, that the more I allow myself to put faith in other people. I am learning that the more I trust in God, that the more faith I have in myself and my own abilities. This storm is about over, and once again I am resolved to still be standing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)