Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Thursday's Therapy~Polar Express
As long as I can remember, there has always just been two sides to me.....
Hot ~ Cold
Positive ~ Negative
High ~ Low
Black ~ White
....either it is, or it isn't. Simple. Straightforward.
It's what I had to do to survive at such an early age. It's what is causing so much turmoil and chaos in my life right now.
It is hard AND it was hard as a child trying to make sense of all the foolishness that was going on around me. Because the simple, straightforward way is not always the best way OR the only way. Life is not like a math equation. I know this...I know this all too well because if it was, none of my plan's would have failed. I would not be where I am today still dealing with issues of yesterdays.
Up until this point, I have only had to really rely on me so it really didn't matter that it had to be either this way or that way because typically it was either this way or that way. Having a child does something to that equation, especially when that child has feelings and thoughts that are not my own.
For so long, I have been placing a circle in a square hole refusing to see that even though it "fits," it really doesn't fit. Or that it won't fit all of the time....
I want it this way but I also want it that way and well I can't have it both ways...but in my mind, it doesn't make sense, why can't I have my cake and eat it too. It's my blasted cake and if I bake it, why can't I eat it?
It's funny because everything feels like it is coming to a head in my life all at once. But, this isn't the first time this has happened in my life and I am sure it won't be the last....However, I do want it to be the first time (in a long time) that I have dealt with things in a rational, even, middle-ground manner.
I cannot do it all. (I know this) I need help. (I know this) I want help. (I know this) But, I have still been trying to do it all (Doesn't make much sense).
It's funny because for as long as I can remember, I have been one of those people that will either not ask for help and suffer through it, or ask for help and place a mental time frame on when I think the help should arrive and if it doesn't arrive in the form and fashion that I think it should arrive, I withdraw my request for help and go back to suffering through it. Yup, the Lil Red Hen.
Now there is nothing really wrong with my method (me getting defensive) but in all honesty, it is. This method has shaped me and it has helped me accomplish some really outstanding goals BUT as much as it has helped me, it has probably hurt me twice as bad.
Everything cannot be on my time. Everything will not be on my time. Everything does not have to be on an etched in stone time frame.
My child is wilding out. He has bumped his head and forgotten not only who he is BUT who his mama is...I guess it is a good thing he has some really great people in his corner who are willing to do what those who were in my corner growing up wouldn't do: SPEAK UP and FIGHT for him. (who is fighting for me?)
My child has stolen again...at least twice since our scared straight episode. The only difference is that instead of telling the truth, this Bama has lied about it. The first time, he lied on two adults. And this last time he stated that "if CB had been minding her own business and not his, I wouldn't have known anyways." So, me being me wanted to have him locked up...placed behind bars...um, possibly overnight...but due to the powers that be, this did not happen. So, I resorted to taunting him with the idea of going to jail. Telling him that he was going to get locked up. That they were going to "ching-ching him" making handcuffed, locked up gestures. Every time he looked at me, I mouthed, "You are going to jail." All of this going on while CQP is discussing with me how my child still refused to admit that he stole the gum (yup, I gots me a petty thief) but was making comments like "if I tell the truth, I am going to go to jail." Then CQP lays into me about how unhealthy my present behavior is and well at that point, I really didn't care and I told him so. WHO CARES?!?!
Even though I picked that time to have an Effie moment: "What about me? What about what I want? What about my feelings? What about me?" I knew I was wrong and that it was more than about me. It was about the team. (My Stomp the Yard theme that I had been trying to embed in my child the last couple of weeks.)
And I guess it was then that it hit me...even though I didn't embrace it until much later that night...that I really had to stop acting like a child and pouting when things didn't go as planned or as quickly as I liked. AND that even though I did not want to have all of my child's issues and inappropriate behaviors shifted to me, they really were my issues and they really were about me.
So, I guess CQP was right (dead): I am going to have to demonstrate the behaviors that I want my child to display. I am going to have to be that change that I want to see in him.
And in my mind this doesn't make sense because I don't understand why I have to re-train my child. I don't understand why my child just can't go back to acting the way he had been acting these last 6 years. I don't understand why I always gots to do something. I mean haven't I done enough...what I got him going to see a therapist for if I am the one that is going to have to do all of the work?(yes, this is me venting)
But, in reality all of this is about me and not about my child. And it angers me that it is affecting my child. It angers me that I do not have control over the situation and did not have control over the situation that brought us to this point. It angers me that my anger and my "2-pole" outlook has gotten in the way of me dealing with this situation in the appropriate manner. I cannot nurture and discipline at the same time. That's why you have bad cop, good cop. Mom and dad. So because of my choices, I have to put on both caps but because of the experiences that have shaped me, I choose to wear the dad cap with my male-child more so than the mom cap. I do not want a punk for a son. I do not want a mama's boy. (lawd, but it appears that I have one anyways) I do not want no deadbeat who is going to take instead of contribute to society. You know you have to train them from infancy....and I have been...and up until this point, my method has worked, but now I am seeing the importance of balance. I haven't been balanced with my child. I don't like getting intuned with my "touchy feelly" side.
The devil is also attacking. Whenever, I am at a point in my life where I am trying to draw closer to God, (because I treat God the same way I treat people....if I pray and Manna doesn't fall from the sky or I don't walk on water, I, um, rescind my prayer) which I am now, things start happening in my life that are extreme and one after another. Like the other day my tire blew out on 295. I checked my tire before I got on the road...it was fine. But before the blow out, I was dealing with something different, everyday, it seemed like, with my child. Did I mention that he had started defecating on himself? And guess what, MAMA DOES NOT DO DO-DO! (just in case I didn't mention this before) Then it's little things that if I ignore for too long becomes big things...and they all are becoming big things at the same time: NOW.
Sidebar: But I remember back in July I want to say it was...I had started to get myself together...started to let go of things that was interfering with my relationship with God and the same thing happened... a lot of EXTREME things started happening in my life...I remember the climax being the entire emission system falling from underneath my car while we were on Rte 50. I remember how I responded to things back in July, which is probably why I am taking a similar exam now in March.
So, this is about me. All of this. The good, the bad, and the not so pretty. I say I want this. I say I want change. I say that I am changing. So now is the time to put up, or shut up. To play, or go home crying. Am I willing to put in the work that is needed to effect the change that I want? Am I going to talk, blog about it, and not be about it?
What am I going to do? (It's funny because I have a post saved where I am trying to hash out what I need to do and what I want to do...and it's saved because my thoughts were so thick, so muddled, so not there...but now I think I am ready to tackle it)
I went to bed alone, defeated, crying, eating baking soda, and having a conversation with God. I was asking Him to take care of my child because I did not think that I could do it any more. I told Him of my plans and explained to Him why I felt it was necessary for me to do what I was going to do. I told Him some of the pressing things that were bothering me, things that I have been avoiding because I didn't have the will to deal with it or did not know really know how to go about dealing with the situation.
I woke up alone. I felt calm. I got up to check the time and to start cleaning. (cleaning sometimes helps me free up mind clutter) But, I stopped cleaning even before I started. As I was mentally getting myself prepared to clean, while simultaneously going through the list of things I needed to accomplish today, I read a text from CQP in response to my text apologizing for being so emotionally draining and informing him that I knew what I needed to do and I was going to do it...his response wasn't in itself very profound, but it was a phrase or maybe sentence that connected with me, that managed to unlocked some common sense that I had forgotten I had locked away for a raining day.
And just like that, I had answers to some of my pressing issues. Well, to be honest. I always had the answer but now I understood why I needed to go ahead and do what I knew I needed to do from jump but was too afraid to totally commit.
"Faith and trust go hand and hand. Almost like peanut butter and jelly. Without trust, I can not have faith...without faith, I cannot truly trust. I am learning that the more I trust myself, that the more I allow myself to put faith in other people. I am learning that the more I trust in God, that the more faith I have in myself and my own abilities. This storm is about over, and once again I am resolved to still be standing."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)