Monday, June 6, 2016
Today I am grateful because I am moving out of my fog and though it pains me to accepts the things that I have to come to terms with, I know that HE loves me.
I feel like I'm Here should be on repeat because I am truly moving into my season of living despite all the blows that I have taken on my chin, to the side of my head and in my gut.
I have been spending my days cyber-lurking these last couple of days trying to piece together how he
died was killed and one thing is for sure, he was doing the SAME thing now at 41 that he was doing when I was 17: running game, lying, and spreading his seed. Nothing like a family reunion of BMs on the Book to make you count your blessings. Like I could have been one of them engaging in the following convo:
Me: Hey yall
BM2: Who you?
Me: I'm Luv Lil Raeraeandthem Mama
BM3: How old is yo child?
BM4: Yes how old is yo child?
BM2-4: Mine too.
And it is definitely true that when you know better that you do better and that with age should come wisdom and maturity not to do the things you did as a child...it's just sooooo sad when those that you love and used to kick it with and ride with and fo', don't get the memo. When you get a glimpse of someone's life and they still doing the same thing with no progression. Just sad.
Oh trust, I know all about being trapped in a moment in time and I thank Jah for releasing me from the grips of depression and allowing me to find a reason to push through the pain and for the drive to always want better for myself so I could do better by those coming behind me.
Hearing folks talk about Teddy and the grief he is giving the Marys reminds me of how I longed for him to love me. To want me. To validate me. To light something inside of me that would give me the courage to stand when he was with his crew instead of cower under cars and sliding into lockers. How I thought he was the greatest thing next to a Mr. Goodbar and and...
How this fool can't even keep it in his pants while being married to a well known gospel singer, so glad that isn't my reality playing out on the tube.
I saw my HIM the other day. Y'all remember good ole let me move your car so you won't have that far to walk when you get off late. Mr. let me write poems and songs for and about you all the while I spread evil lies bout you, HIM. Well he looks like life hasn't been too kind to him. And being the aspiring rapper that he is, I am sure he has heard the line about Karma.
And every time I think about my lil Michael Jackson and his 15 or is it 17 kids, I just nearly faint. Even though I hope that I am still the Golden Child, I can't fathom why I had a knack for picking the guys who like to procreate.
Some of these dudes, made me bitter. Made me hate all men. Made me doubt myself. Caused me a lot of pain.
But honey, when I take inventory of how much worse it could had been had God not stepped in and said No ~ Not right now and not ever, I can't help but say thank you Jah for not allowing me to take that bullet head on. Thanks for allowing it to only pierce my armor slightly before having it deflect off.
That could have been my life!!! So glad that it's not.
There is a blessing and a lesson in the word and sentence "No."
Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches
Friday, June 3, 2016
Emotionally, Mentally and Physically.
I am like stuck in a time warp. Trapped. I am at my highest and yet my lowest at the same dang time. The more I try to push and purge, the more things are poured onto me.
Granted some of it I have volunteered for... but that's just some of it.
The rest is just mine....just mine to sort through, swim through, sit in and hopefully finally get rid of. My house is back to looking like a hoarder's retreat. I was making so much progress. Yes, all of those deaths in January, February, March and motherfreakin April got to me. Some of those deaths shook me because well they were part of my support system, part of my core, part of my think tank, part of the team that gently pushed me to walk in my purpose, walk in my greatness.... they were my safety net.
This post like my life will be all over the place...I can feel it. My life is in turmoil and in conflict even though from the outside looking it, everything looks just fine.
I was chatting with one of my soul sisters, Bernie's Daddy....yes as in the MacMan, Mr. Kings of Comedy, you should check her out, she's so transparent and real...any who I was telling her how my emotions were all over the place, how when I saw Life this weekend and her daddy showed up that I just bust out crying. He represented a reminder that even as a child I had to FIGHT just to be left alone...that nothing came easy for me...nothing outside of excelling in school. Bernie used to try out his jokes on me when I was a lil girl, and when I say TRY OUT, I mean I was the BUTT of his jokes. And though his jokes weren't malicious, they were hard to take when you are a little kid who just trying to enjoy a meal in silence that you don't have to share with your brothers WHO NEVER had to share with you because one they inhaled it as soon as they touched it or because THEY WERE BOYS and needed their energy.
Anyway, seeing Bernie reminded me how things have changed but the core of things are still the same. I am still that "little sensitive girl" looking for my place in life. Not purpose....but place.
Where do I belong? Where is my happy place? Outside of the Chi... Oh how I love thee. But that ratchet killing, be it by the police or the lost, wayward kids without hope, has me side-eyeing the Chi. Honestly, I am side-eyeing the world right now.
Folks mad about a gorilla?! I mean is you mad or is you real mad?! A gorilla? And I have yet to watch the video, but the moment they started calling the parents LAZY, I knew. I knew that old deep rooted polluted deep veins of racism that no longer existed in post racial America was about to take center stage, AGAIN. To be frank, I am not surprised by the white folks. White folks gonna be who white folks gonna be. I mean white folks showed us who they were with Mike Vick. They showed us who they were with Katrina. They showed us who they were when they put that wild animal in their car talking about it looked cold.
I am surprised by the colored folks ~ the Latinos, the Indians, the Dominicans, the Jamaicans, the African Americans, the Blacks, the Mulattos, the Indonesians, the Pacific Americans, the whomever has a caste system or have to deal with colorism in their country, island, in their place that they call home. I am surprised and deeply saddened by the hate we have for one another simply based on something as superficial as skin. I am surprised that in 2016 that most of us are still asleep. Still subconsciously spreading the self-hatred. Some of these memes and things that we share... whoa #selfhatred
Funny thing everybody making money off being black, but the blacks. From lips, hips, hair styles to our innate flare.
Today they are laying to rest the guy that TOOK my virginity. It is so bittersweet. It is so hard to remember that OUR MONSTERS are people too. That they have folks that love and cherish them too. I didn't HATE CKB. I felt sorry for him. I was enraged and wanted to kill him in the moment, but I guess somewhere along the line I forgave him....maybe because it wasn't too violent...maybe it was because I shouldn't have been there...maybe it was because I knew he was grieving....maybe it was because I was already grieving, I loved his mama and his little sister and brother. They were so full of hope even though life was a struggle for them. They didn't know how ugly the world was even though they woke up in that ugliness everyday. Their mama was the first person that I literally watched die. Even as smart as I was, I didn't comprehend what was going on....it wasn't until recently that I realized she probably had cervical cancer. All I know is she kept showing me her stuff. And I didn't want to see her stuff. And she kept telling me she had a hole in her stuff. And I was like, I think we are supposed to have a hole. And she was always in pain. And self-medicating. She lived a life of "disgrace." She made money by doing womanly things. I still don't know if the house she lived in and the guy she lived with was her pimp. I just know that I loved her and she loved me. She called me her daughter. She called me once a week when I went away to school until she got too sick and then she died. I came home for the funeral. I had to be there. That was my boo and I needed to see my kiddos to make sure they were okay. To lose your mama at 4 is a hard break. I came and her mama said that I couldn't come to the funeral. Said that I was too black. Like are you kidding me? Like I wasn't too black to be sitting with your daughter in the hospital. I wasn't too black to be watching and feeding her youngest kids. I wasn't too black to be sending her money, BUT I'm too black to be paying my respects? So her daddy, who had already determined he wasn't going to the funeral, she was his heart and his heart was broken when she took to a life of the streets but it was completely broken when she died and he didn't want to see her like that, said he was going and he dared someone NOT allow me in and to say something to me. Whelp, the same place they laid her body out is where CKB will be also and it's kind of hard for me. It's a reminder of the day that my innocence was lost and I realized just how ugly the people in the world were and how close that ugliness was to me. How I swam in and out of that ugliness everyday without even a clue of how ugly folks truly were. CKB family lived three blocks from my family. Our family had generational friendships. But deep down inside, they believed they were better than me because they were lighter than me. Maybe that is why it was so easy for me to wake up and find CKB taking what wasn't his to have. Maybe that is why folks in the world find it so easy to TAKE what isn't theirs to have...
Some years back, CKB and I reconnected on the FakeBook and he apologized and I told him what was on my heart and that was that. He stopped sending me friend requests and deleted his page and I hadn't really thought about him until a couple months ago when he popped up on my uncle's page and I went to his page and said, "Thank You Jah because sometimes we forget how blessed we are to only have been burnt by the flamed and not engulfed in it." And then last week I got a text telling me that he was dead and my heart instantly went out to my kiddos cuz well I still love me some them, even if it's from afar.
I miss my uncle. I still love MK. Time is running out, the sand is almost gone. Innocence lost. My place still not found.
Oh the tears.
"Be the light in the darkness. Be the beauty amongst all the ugliness. Be the flower blooming despite the weeds. Innocence is worth protecting."
Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches