Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thank you for being you because it makes it so much easier for me to be me (non-violent). So go on Cuzzo and put on that zebra shirt with those red pants and cheetah shoes, sure my stomach will drop and my eyes will hurt, but at the end of the day, I will love you the same.
"Many would like to believe that they are self-made men or women...I know that I did not get this far without having God above me and the family that are my friends and the friends that are my family (no, not one in the same) surrounding me, pushing me, protecting me, and most importantly LOVING ME. Without them, I am not nothing, but it doesn't make for much to write home about."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Sidebar: So, I will be doing a series of You Are Appreciated or This is Dedicated To You cuz it is very healthy to thank those who have done something for you and sometimes to you. I will at least try and make it monthly if not weekly.
Also, since I am having technical difficulties, I am gonna have to blog twice in a day at times, please bear with me...sometimes I just can't be holding all this stuff in my head, it might explode. (smile) and for those of you asking for pics from my getaway, send me your FB link.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I would ask for help and people would say that they would help me. I would twiddle my thumbs and sit on my hands as I tried my darnest to exhibit some form of patience. 95% of the time, I would be left to do the task that I initially asked for help with by my lonesome. And therefore, I only would reap the rewards of my labor.
This is why I don't readily ask for help now. I don't have time to waste to sit around waiting for someone (who most likely had good intentions when they offered) to bail on me and leave me with less time to complete some task that for some reason (mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically) I could not complete on my own. So much for Lean On Me.
Well, I have been dealing with this demon for NINE YEARS and it finally got to the point where I realized that I could not do it alone because mentally I wasn't ready to move forward and emotionally I wasn't stable enough. Physically I could do it, but the psychological effect of staring at my own personal main post office instantly drained me. So I asked for help.
I asked and I asked and I asked.
They accepted and said they would come, but none did.
And just when I was about to go dust off my lil white apron and don my red hen suit, one showed up. And after five plus hours of non-stop sorting, stuffing, ripping, bagging, and dragging, and then two additional days of me going it alone we have this picture update (I will have to try and upload the other pics because blogger is having issues)
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I only have two.....
"They say that troubles don't last always and I guess they right. The thing to remember is that just because they don't last always don't mean that they will be here today and gone tomorrow. Sometimes you have to repeat the wash and spin cycles a few times before you are ready to be dried out."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
for those just sitting down to break bread with me, check out this one to understand my excitement.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
That I don't particularly care for being a mommy.
That's the plain truth of it. I mean I love kids. And at one time I wanted 10 of them. Five of my own and I wanted to adopt five. Now, I don't want any. I want a DO OVER.
This is hard work and on most days I don't think it's all that it's cracked up to be.
It's like the saying goes, I can do bad all by myself. Why bring a kid into the equation? Yeah these are things that I should have thought about before pre-creation, and I thought I had thought them through. But, I just don't like being a parent. Now, it goes without saying that if my child wasn't such a brat that I probably would enjoy being a parent, but he is and i don't and I guess that's life, which is why I just do the best I can do.
I am thinking I am gonna have a slide show for you guys tomorrow, so please toon in.
"Life doesn't always give us what we need or what we want, but that should not stop us from doing what we need to or want to do. Most happy people accept what they have and work with what they got."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
Saturday, August 22, 2009
My heart's in turmoil...I wish I could say that by the time you read this blog, I would be gone, but I know I won't. I have been writing this letter for some time and well, I can't quite pen my words to say exactly what I want to say without sounding like a 3 year old child or without sounding bitter, jealous, angry, or affected, or without having to write another side note to explain what it was that I was trying to say that I felt I didn't say that well in the letter.
Truth is: I am bitter, angry and affected. AND, at times I do get jealous and pout and throw a tantrum like a 3 year old, okay maybe a 5 year old child.
I am BITTER that your transition from being in love to being out of love with me has been so seamless. I still wonder how it is that you managed to get your tool lubed just days after we departed IF you weren't doing anything on the side. (I know that some of us will do whatever to get a man, but dang, just like that? Exactly) I mean, yeah we weren't together but isn't there some unofficial break-up rule that you don't hump, pump, finger, lick, stick, bite, shuck, or bring to your mama's house another person within 168hrs (um, yeah that would be 1wk) of breaking up with your previous girl/guy? I'm just saying.
I am ANGRY that you stopped being there for me.... you used to go out of your way to make sure I was fed, safe, and knew my rightful place. Now if I am hungry I know to call Takeout Taxi and if I am in danger to call 911 and hope the Po-Pos ain't on a coffee break and I question if I was ever your number one girl since you only pen things for your number one fan.
I am JEALOUS that you are a guy and I am a girl and therefore even when I don't cry myself to sleep, I toss and turn reminiscing about the love we once had while you make memories with your new girl toy.
I throw tantrums because like a child I feel powerless and when I throw a fit, I at least get your undivided attention if just for that fleeting instance.
I am AFFECTED because I told myself that I would NEVER love again. That I would never let anyone get so close to me that they could cripple me... that they could cause me to lose me.. cause me to doubt me... cause me to be all up in my head. I loved you, the best way I could...even when it scared the bajeezies out of me, I stayed the course...even when I sensed you were getting scared, I pushed forward; even when you allowed others to weigh in, I sucked it up and charged it to the game; even when you dethroned me and put me at the end, I bided my time; even when it was apparent that the well had run dry and I was the pinch hitter for when the starting five weren't delivering....I loved you and smiled through the pain.
You asked a very valid question: Why am I here? Well, cuz in my mind, I never left.
"Falling in love is the easy part, it's the landing that's hard. Sometimes when you land, you find out you hit the mark and other times you find out you missed the target completely. Navigating the course of love is never easy, not for the ones on the rollercoaster ride nor for the friends and family watching from the sidelines."
Friday, August 21, 2009
And I kinda have mixed emotions about it. I mean on one hand, I want him/her to perform a miracle. I want him/her to sprinkle some fairy dust and make me all better. Or, I want him to sing a song about me having a heart, a brain or some courage and for me to feel all warm and fuzzy inside and then I leave feeling better than before.
I want the pain of my childhood...erased. I want the pain of losing my babies... erased. I want the experience of being violated...erased. I want the frustration of feeling like a motherless, fatherless child...erased. But I really want the feeling that I don't deserved to be loved ERASED.
They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, but the reality is, what doesn't kill you drives you insane. At least that has been my experience.
So, I know the Quack can't make all of my fears, frustrations, pains and disappointment disappear but I would like them to cuz my notion of coping is "just ignoring the situation" and well as i look at my toe, i know ignoring a situation hasn't quite worked out well for me in the past.
It's funny because I am not sure if I am totally comfortable with going to see a Quack even though I feel it will be totally beneficial for me... it's something about having it documented that I can't handle everything thrown at me...that I don't use the best coping techniques all the times...that it does matter A LOT when I put forth the effort to love someone and they don't love me back... it's like letting the world know that I am not as put together as they thought. (now I have been telling people for the longest that I am not as strong as they think I am but now it's like they gonna have proof) I know it's silly, but it's real. It's what I am feeling right now.
So I guess, on the other hand, I want to go and I want the Quack to tell me that I had the solution right under my nose that all I had to do was click my Nike's or Keds 3-4 times and that I would be where I want to be with who I want to be there with.
Nevertheless, I am going to go and lie on this couch and try and cram as much of my life into the one hour free consultation as I can.
Really the hard part has already been done... I already know my issues and WHY I have the issues, I just need to know how to
"Sometimes we have to accept that there are no quick fixes to our issues and that the fix may be simply to maintain to the best of your ability until you can affect enough change to alter the course of your life...it's kinda like playing cards, like when you are dealt a sucky hand that you can't throw back in, sometimes you just gots to put on your poker face, take a deep breath, and play that crappy hand and hope the next deal won't be so bad."
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I've been tagged by the delightful Chic Mama in a tag of eights.
The rules are:
- Mention the person who tagged you.
- Complete the list of eights
- Tag eight others and let them know.
1) Eight things I am looking forward to :
-School Starting back
-My child moving out
-My child stop whining
-Going on a road trip across country next year with my child if I don't push him overboard on my cruise
-being a wonderful wife
-Having a normal child
-Loving Luv for a long time to come
2) Eight things I did yesterday:
-bleed through my clothes
-went to the library
-called safeway-Posted a blog
-beat the cat
3) Eight things I wish I could do:
- Take a trip by myself or with my girls
- go get some white castles
- Get paid before pay day
- Play the piano
- sing in key- find a job i actually like
- turn back the hands of time
4) Eight places I would like to travel to:
5) Eight places I've travelled to:
6) Eight people to tag:
hmm...I will have to think about this one
p.s. I will be cruising in a couple of days and I still have not packed a thing... not one item and on the boat, I will not have access to internet, so if you don't here from me for a minute now that I am okay, and that I am really enjoying learning to love moi.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Pick your Artist:
Are you a male or female:
"Talk to Her"
How do you feel:
"I am Ready for Love"
Describe where you currently live:
If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
"Back to the Middle"
Your favorite form of transportation:
Your best friend?
You and your best friends are:
"Strength, Courage & Wisdon"
What's the weather like:
"A Beautiful Day"
Favorite time of day:
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
"Always in My Head"
What is life to you:
"Headed in the Right Direction"
"You Made a Fool of Me"
What is the best advice you have to give:
" This Too Shall Pass"
Thought for the Day:
How I would like to die:
My soul's present condition:
" Little Things"
So, for this one I tag JB, and LBH and Hot Piece
HONEST SCRAP AWARD
I won, I won, I won...first I would like to thank God for making me to be in His beautiful image and for giving me working hands to type with... then I would like to thank the blogger who nominated me the Queen to BEE and I would like to thank all my fans that support me...cuz I am a winner!!!!
okay so the rules were for me to (1) Brag about it.. (2) Choose seven blogs I find brilliant and link to them, and.. (3) List 10 honest things about myself
So my Starting 7 for this week who haven't won an award are Words,UrbanQueen,LoveBabz,Truthz, PERFECT MAN, PW, PS
My 10 Honest Things
1. I was very self-conscious about my body image when I use to engage in the horizontal mambo.
2. I do not like feet.
3. I used to write my name with my toes.
4. I once fell in a whole in front of a guy that I was crushing on.
5. I once hid under a car from a guy I was crushing on.
6. I once hid behind a huge dumpster so this dude that was crushing on me and trying to kiss me would not find me.
7. I used to practice my kissing skills on a cup at the prompting of my cousin.
8. People think I am smart because I study a lot, I actually just really retain what I hear.
9. I am afraid of success.
10. I used to be afraid of commitment.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
And I have been dealing with a full doze of crazy this entire weekend. So this would be the reason why I haven't been able to blog the last couple of days because I have been displaced from my blogging room. (I bootleg off wireless and can only get a signal from one room and my company was occupying that room)
So here is the long and short of it.. okay, it's probably gonna be pretty long, but, I haven't been here in a minute.
All of my life I have felt like a motherless child, left to fend and care for myself. There is nothing worse than living in a house full of people and feeling all alone. It seemed like everyone that I bonded with was taken from either by death or incarceration.
I had/have a father but just in the sense of the word. My father, there was/is something wrong with him. He is/was very aggressive toward his immediate family (meaning his wife and kids) but not to those around him. He doesn't know me or any of his other kids, which is sad seeing how we all grew up in the same household. He used to beat us and he used to beat my mother. He was mean and surly for no reason. He was super strong and became even stronger when provoked...this is the only reason he is still alive today cuz my brothers and I were going to put a cap in him but none of us wanted to be the sacrificial lamb that would most likely lose their life so the other two could attack from behind. So, he lives on, but he sleeps in a hard, lonely bed, so I guess karma does have a way of circling back round. I still am confused when people tell me that my father is a fun person to be around and that he is always laughing and is so jovial... I really don't have any fond memories of my father...I remember when his brother died, how he broke down and cried, I remember that was the first time I realized that he actually had feelings.
My mother, well she is a different kind of nut. Yeah, that right...she a crazy bad nut...like the one the squirrel threw down the drain in Chocolate Factory. All my life I thought she was crazy.. CRAZY for not leaving, CRAZY for staying, CRAZY for taking me past the other woman's house and pointing it out to me and I was only 5 years old, CRAZY for calling the police only to not press charges, CRAZY for allowing her family to pick sides only for her to go back to him, CRAZY for allowing a man to abuse her, CRAZY for allowing a man to abuse her children, CRAZY for coming back, CRAZY for believing it would ever change, CRAZY for allowing her mother to treat her children differently based on their color, CRAZY for not realizing something was wrong with her and seeking help, CRAZY for having favorites among her children....and the list goes on. And well, recently she told me she was diagnoised with having Bipolar and I instantly felt relieved... I was right all these years, it was something really wrong with this lady.. well it was really solidified when she said, "It's nothing wrong with me, I'm normal, just like anyone else, I just now have a label, and that's all it is, I don't have a mental illness." ( yeah, I tried to explain to her that bipolar is a form of mental illness, but who would have been the crazy one: the person arguing with the crazy person, or the crazy person?)
Well, that brings it back to me. I suffer from abandonment issues and I have anger management issues (meaning I used to bust people in the head and keep it moving). I used to deal with these issues by not dealing with them... I don't know if I thought they would just go away or what. I did a pretty good job of managing them, but the abandonment issues made/make it very hard for me to maintain close relationships with people. I tend to push them away so I don't have to deal with the issues of them leaving on their own. Well, part of me loving myself means that I have promised myself that I will get the help I need to deal with these issues because I do not want to be a prisoner to my insecurities or my anger any longer.
"So, if you are dealing with something, or need to deal with something that is kinda embarassing, know that the only one that can judge you, is also the only one that can really help you: God. Know that everyone is battling something whether they advertise it or not. You will never be able to love yourself until you free yourself of the weights that bind you. So if you can fix it, do so, if it's too big, give it to God and keep it moving."