Sunday, August 30, 2009

The pics....

This is Dedicated to You~~ (My) Jill Scott

So despite you having a big head and always walking around in cheatah leopard tiger monkey some type of animal print looking like you about to fly away to the jungle, looking for George so you can swing on his vine, I just wanted you to know:


At least by me and that child that seems to believe that he actually lives at your house.

In this day and age, it's not too many peeps my age (or younger) that give me cause to pause and peruse their life story. Or, give me reason to pause and notice them at all. I mean your attire alone stops me in my tracks, usually cuz I am trying to find my phone so I can take a pic and send it to Ghetto Hot Mess and call PETA and the fashion police at the same time, but I overlook all of your fashion faux pas, because the truth of the matter is, when you get right down to it, all that matters is your heart (and the fact that my lil cuzzo did not pick up your fashion taste makes it easier, you grown, you have earned the right to do you, urgh!).

You are a very selfless person, even when you have earned the right to be selfish. You came when no one else would come. You pick up slack that I don't even realize is there. You love with no strings attached. You have cleared the way for me to make my long, overdue journey back to the middle and for this and much more......

Thank you for being you because it makes it so much easier for me to be me (non-violent). So go on Cuzzo and put on that zebra shirt with those red pants and cheetah shoes, sure my stomach will drop and my eyes will hurt, but at the end of the day, I will love you the same.

"Many would like to believe that they are self-made men or women...I know that I did not get this far without having God above me and the family that are my friends and the friends that are my family (no, not one in the same) surrounding me, pushing me, protecting me, and most importantly LOVING ME. Without them, I am not nothing, but it doesn't make for much to write home about."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Sidebar: So, I will be doing a series of You Are Appreciated or This is Dedicated To You cuz it is very healthy to thank those who have done something for you and sometimes to you. I will at least try and make it monthly if not weekly.

Also, since I am having technical difficulties, I am gonna have to blog twice in a day at times, please bear with me...sometimes I just can't be holding all this stuff in my head, it might explode. (smile) and for those of you asking for pics from my getaway, send me your FB link.


Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Little Red Hen

As long as I can remember I have been the Little Red Hen.......

I would ask for help and people would say that they would help me. I would twiddle my thumbs and sit on my hands as I tried my darnest to exhibit some form of patience. 95% of the time, I would be left to do the task that I initially asked for help with by my lonesome. And therefore, I only would reap the rewards of my labor.

This is why I don't readily ask for help now. I don't have time to waste to sit around waiting for someone (who most likely had good intentions when they offered) to bail on me and leave me with less time to complete some task that for some reason (mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically) I could not complete on my own. So much for Lean On Me.

Well, I have been dealing with this demon for NINE YEARS and it finally got to the point where I realized that I could not do it alone because mentally I wasn't ready to move forward and emotionally I wasn't stable enough. Physically I could do it, but the psychological effect of staring at my own personal main post office instantly drained me. So I asked for help.

I asked and I asked and I asked.

They accepted and said they would come, but none did.

And just when I was about to go dust off my lil white apron and don my red hen suit, one showed up. And after five plus hours of non-stop sorting, stuffing, ripping, bagging, and dragging, and then two additional days of me going it alone we have this picture update (I will have to try and upload the other pics because blogger is having issues)

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I only have two.....


"They say that troubles don't last always and I guess they right. The thing to remember is that just because they don't last always don't mean that they will be here today and gone tomorrow. Sometimes you have to repeat the wash and spin cycles a few times before you are ready to be dried out."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

for those just sitting down to break bread with me, check out this one to understand my excitement.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

And Not With A Soda On The Side!

So I have been feeling a little under the weather.

I have had snoot running from my nose, my head has been throbbing, and my ears have been popping, and my child has been a whining.

Just whining about any and everything and well, it just got me to thinking about some things.

Things like how when I am sick, I really want to be catered to by a warm body that has a lot of testosterone running through it and preferably is over the age of 20. Now, I ain't talking about having nobody wipe my nose and my butt (no, I didn't have the runs, but I am just saying). I am talking about having someone fret over me. Make me some tea. Make me some cocoa. Make me some freakin' CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP! Bring me some tissue, you know the soft kind that won't make all them ugly scabs show up around my nose. Someone to ask me if there is anything they can do to make it better, even if they know that I am going to say 'no.'

I also realized that even though I am a great MOMMY.....

That I don't particularly care for being a mommy.

That's the plain truth of it. I mean I love kids. And at one time I wanted 10 of them. Five of my own and I wanted to adopt five. Now, I don't want any. I want a DO OVER.

This is hard work and on most days I don't think it's all that it's cracked up to be.

It's like the saying goes, I can do bad all by myself. Why bring a kid into the equation? Yeah these are things that I should have thought about before pre-creation, and I thought I had thought them through. But, I just don't like being a parent. Now, it goes without saying that if my child wasn't such a brat that I probably would enjoy being a parent, but he is and i don't and I guess that's life, which is why I just do the best I can do.

I am thinking I am gonna have a slide show for you guys tomorrow, so please toon in.

"Life doesn't always give us what we need or what we want, but that should not stop us from doing what we need to or want to do. Most happy people accept what they have and work with what they got."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Dear John (version 1)

My heart's in turmoil...I wish I could say that by the time you read this blog, I would be gone, but I know I won't. I have been writing this letter for some time and well, I can't quite pen my words to say exactly what I want to say without sounding like a 3 year old child or without sounding bitter, jealous, angry, or affected, or without having to write another side note to explain what it was that I was trying to say that I felt I didn't say that well in the letter.

Truth is: I am bitter, angry and affected. AND, at times I do get jealous and pout and throw a tantrum like a 3 year old, okay maybe a 5 year old child.

I am BITTER that your transition from being in love to being out of love with me has been so seamless. I still wonder how it is that you managed to get your tool lubed just days after we departed IF you weren't doing anything on the side. (I know that some of us will do whatever to get a man, but dang, just like that? Exactly) I mean, yeah we weren't together but isn't there some unofficial break-up rule that you don't hump, pump, finger, lick, stick, bite, shuck, or bring to your mama's house another person within 168hrs (um, yeah that would be 1wk) of breaking up with your previous girl/guy? I'm just saying.

I am ANGRY that you stopped being there for me.... you used to go out of your way to make sure I was fed, safe, and knew my rightful place. Now if I am hungry I know to call Takeout Taxi and if I am in danger to call 911 and hope the Po-Pos ain't on a coffee break and I question if I was ever your number one girl since you only pen things for your number one fan.

I am JEALOUS that you are a guy and I am a girl and therefore even when I don't cry myself to sleep, I toss and turn reminiscing about the love we once had while you make memories with your new girl toy.

I throw tantrums because like a child I feel powerless and when I throw a fit, I at least get your undivided attention if just for that fleeting instance.

I am AFFECTED because I told myself that I would NEVER love again. That I would never let anyone get so close to me that they could cripple me... that they could cause me to lose me.. cause me to doubt me... cause me to be all up in my head. I loved you, the best way I could...even when it scared the bajeezies out of me, I stayed the course...even when I sensed you were getting scared, I pushed forward; even when you allowed others to weigh in, I sucked it up and charged it to the game; even when you dethroned me and put me at the end, I bided my time; even when it was apparent that the well had run dry and I was the pinch hitter for when the starting five weren't delivering....I loved you and smiled through the pain.

You asked a very valid question: Why am I here? Well, cuz in my mind, I never left.

"Falling in love is the easy part, it's the landing that's hard. Sometimes when you land, you find out you hit the mark and other times you find out you missed the target completely. Navigating the course of love is never easy, not for the ones on the rollercoaster ride nor for the friends and family watching from the sidelines."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Friday, August 21, 2009

I'm Going To See the Wizard

Okay, I lied, I am really finally going to see a Quack.

And I kinda have mixed emotions about it. I mean on one hand, I want him/her to perform a miracle. I want him/her to sprinkle some fairy dust and make me all better. Or, I want him to sing a song about me having a heart, a brain or some courage and for me to feel all warm and fuzzy inside and then I leave feeling better than before.

I want the pain of my childhood...erased. I want the pain of losing my babies... erased. I want the experience of being violated...erased. I want the frustration of feeling like a motherless, fatherless child...erased. But I really want the feeling that I don't deserved to be loved ERASED.

They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, but the reality is, what doesn't kill you drives you insane. At least that has been my experience.

So, I know the Quack can't make all of my fears, frustrations, pains and disappointment disappear but I would like them to cuz my notion of coping is "just ignoring the situation" and well as i look at my toe, i know ignoring a situation hasn't quite worked out well for me in the past.

It's funny because I am not sure if I am totally comfortable with going to see a Quack even though I feel it will be totally beneficial for me... it's something about having it documented that I can't handle everything thrown at me...that I don't use the best coping techniques all the times...that it does matter A LOT when I put forth the effort to love someone and they don't love me back... it's like letting the world know that I am not as put together as they thought. (now I have been telling people for the longest that I am not as strong as they think I am but now it's like they gonna have proof) I know it's silly, but it's real. It's what I am feeling right now.

So I guess, on the other hand, I want to go and I want the Quack to tell me that I had the solution right under my nose that all I had to do was click my Nike's or Keds 3-4 times and that I would be where I want to be with who I want to be there with.

Nevertheless, I am going to go and lie on this couch and try and cram as much of my life into the one hour free consultation as I can.

Really the hard part has already been done... I already know my issues and WHY I have the issues, I just need to know how to fix, cope, deal with , maintain my issues.

"Sometimes we have to accept that there are no quick fixes to our issues and that the fix may be simply to maintain to the best of your ability until you can affect enough change to alter the course of your's kinda like playing cards, like when you are dealt a sucky hand that you can't throw back in, sometimes you just gots to put on your poker face, take a deep breath, and play that crappy hand and hope the next deal won't be so bad."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Supa Supa 8....

I've been tagged by the delightful Chic Mama in a tag of eights.
The rules are:
- Mention the person who tagged you.
- Complete the list of eights
- Tag eight others and let them know.

1) Eight things I am looking forward to :
-My cruise
-School Starting back
-My child moving out
-My child stop whining
-Going on a road trip across country next year with my child if I don't push him overboard on my cruise
-being a wonderful wife
-Having a normal child
-Loving Luv for a long time to come

2) Eight things I did yesterday:
-bleed through my clothes
-cried again
-went to the library
-called safeway-Posted a blog
-checked facebook
-beat the cat

3) Eight things I wish I could do:
- Take a trip by myself or with my girls
- go get some white castles
- Get paid before pay day
- Sew
- Play the piano
- sing in key- find a job i actually like
- turn back the hands of time

4) Eight places I would like to travel to:

5) Eight places I've travelled to:

6) Eight people to tag:
hmm...I will have to think about this one

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

p.s. I will be cruising in a couple of days and I still have not packed a thing... not one item and on the boat, I will not have access to internet, so if you don't here from me for a minute now that I am okay, and that I am really enjoying learning to love moi.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

What Hurts the Most....

heart broken the letting go. (I think Mo' says it best)

Yeah, it's not really the official "we're done" because you could be done, and not really be done. I mean you could no longer be an item but still share certain privileges or perks. I think the re-training of your heart and mind to understand that whenever you are in a jam that you can't call him or her anymore is the killer. I think the realization that it's really over and that you have to move on is the hard part, when there is no more revolving door.

Me and He, yeah we have been done for a minute. A long minute. But not really done, done. It's like a bad movie stuck on repeat. We go through a phase where we are cool. I mean we are peaceably enough with each other. Then we get to acting like we are friends (you know where we actually talk about meaningful stuff) ... and then there's the phase where we both get horny at the same time (cuz it doesn't really work if only one of us is horny cuz the other one just shuts that one down) and get to kissing and hugging and ...well, then we have to stop cuz even though we both want to go there, we can't go there. So this phase is followed by the angry childish phase where I delete him as my facebook and myspace friend and he stops taking my phone calls and this goes on until we get back to our "we are cool" phase.

Well, I can't be no side meat. (not saying I ain't been the side meat before) I am and need to be the main course. And this is not to say he has a main's just saying that I made a vow to God that I am in jeopardy of breaking so I need to regroup, refocus, retreat, repent, and wait to be ringed up before I can engage in any more releasing.

But it's hard. I love him. (Yes, I love you Safeway) I love him like I have never loved another man before. And he is a man... and I think this is what frightened me the most. I mean after you get used to dealing with grown little boys, you get kinda flustered when you meet a grown man even if it's in a babe's body. So, I did what I think most people in my situation who had been through what I had gone through would have done... I pushed and pushed until I had pushed him away. And I have been running after him ever since.

And now I have to let him go for good because this back and forth is driving me insane; I wonder if it would be wrong if I told him:

"don't you touch her like you used to touch me
don't you love her like you really need me
don't you love her like you used to love me."
Monica, Hurts the Most

"Love lost, is it really better than never having loved at all? I am not sure about that, but I do know that if you are in loved or if someone is loving you, cherish the moment because it may be fleeting, seems like forever and always don't really mean forever and always any more."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Monday, August 10, 2009

Gone Too Soon

It's funny how you can be sitting up one day laughing and joking and the next day you are shedding tears and forced to say your goodbyes.

Goodbyes, that don't come out right or even really matter because the person you are talking to, can't even hear you.

The frustration, the anger, the sadness, the pain, the endless questions and replaying in your mind the final moments of someone you cherished, someone you loved dearly, someone you respected, someone you knew.

Whether it be family, friend, or someone you met in passing. Violent, sudden deaths are hard to deal with. It chills you to your core, and makes you stop and count your blessings, if even for the moment.

It's been a year since my cousin died from breast cancer, leaving the powers that be to care for her five beautiful babies. I remember how her death shook me, how it really scared me. I had did her Will just days before she died. I remember the urgency and the chaos and my resolve to have my ducks in a row... I didn't want to be caught without an updated Will. I didn't want people fighting over my assets or lack there of. And I definitely don't want no drunk, money hungry, off-brand individual raising my kids.

Well, up to now, I really haven't been doing anything to show that I understand that Tomorrow is Promised To No One...I have just been in float mode..saying I will get to it when I get to it. Well, I am here to tell you that I am finally getting to it because it's not a game. I have been having a lot of medical issues as of late...which has my PCP on edge. He gots me seeing all kinds of specialist. And well, it's kinda serious, which has me in a slow frantic (cuz I am still true to form, it's no need for me to get all excited now, I had an entire year to get things in order).

But these are the things I said that I would get in order last year:

Get my room cleaned (and it's almost there..I will post pics later) I don't want to die with a dirty room, cuz you know that would be the topic of conversation for days. Did you see how she was living? Just nasty!!! (you know they would)

Get some life insurance ( I don't want to depend on nobody to get me in the ground or to take care of my baby)

Reactivate my child's life insurance (um, can't count on the government or his father to help bury him)

Update my will (need to include that pot of gold)

Identify a guardian for my child (um, yeah you may get that social security number just yet)

Identify an executor of my estate (cuz i have property and don't trust nobody when it comes to money...checks and balances and more checks)

Write my obituary (no, not morbid... have you actually read what some people put in their loved ones obituaries??? um, no thank you.. what can I say, I always want the last word)

Live and love without regrets ( a work in progress)

"Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, not the rich (look at MJ),nor the poor (look at those in Katrina). If you love someone, let them know it, even if they don't love you in return. If you want to do something, (as long as it is legal) go out and do it, who cares what they think or what they are saying, cuz when you take your last breath, I doubt you will be thinking if they approve. If it small, let it go; if it is big, let it go, cuz 9 times out of 10, it won't matter the next day. It's only too late to make a change if you have taken your last breath."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

Saturday, August 8, 2009

From Sole to Soul

So last night I went out for some pampering.

I figured I was long overdue. I had heard about natural pedicures and well, I decided to try it out.

Now, like I said before, I ain't no prissy rose or no girly girl. So, I am not into getting the feet done or the hands done. I am barely into getting the hair done.. I get it done when I have the time because if my hair ain't right, my mood ain't right. So, me being me, I have a problem paying $16 bucks to get my dogs done let alone $35 dollars. But, I had heard great things about the place and I needed to treat myself to something, so I go.

Needless to say, I get the new girl who gives me the bootleg version of everything. I mean how is it that you can see my old polish around the rims of my nails after you have painted my toes with my new polish. (so you know I have been trying to shoot the owner an email ever since) But, I do think I will be going again and taking some friends. It was something about the relaxed atmosphere. The 2 hours of lounging in big comfy seats while sipping on tea and eating chocolate while watching SEX in the City and crying. (Yes, I am a crier, and this was the 1st time I had seen the movie and well, I cried and cried and cried...I will post later why)

Well after I got my dogs halfway looking right (but they felt smooth as butter), me and a sistah friend grabbed something to eat and let our souls speak.

It something about being honest, with no filters. Something about having tears escape and not worrying about who sees them. It something about putting your deepest hurt on the table, knowing that it won't later be used against you. It's something about allowing your soul to cry out, and it not be in vain. It's something about two women talking as women, as friends, as sistahs that is just so good for the soul.

So even though my toes had to be OCD'd (lol) when I got home, my soul was resting for the first time in a long time.

"Do you need some me time? Is it long overdue for a girl's night out? Well, get it done. Make time to pamper yourself and why not include some of your besties? Or maybe that one that might not be your bestie but who allows you to be you, no strings attached or representative needed. If you don't pamper and take care of you, then why should anyone else. Make yourself a priority in your own life before you demand to be a priority in someone else's."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Manifestation of My Cry For Help

This is my room, my room on crack.

It has looked like this in some form or fashion for nine years now and well I am ready to face my demons and ready to sleep comfortably in my own room.

Like, I never believe it would get this out of hand, but as you see, and this is on a good day, it did. Now before you start judging me and calling me NASTY and DIRTY, let me explain the reason behind the madness.

9 years ago, I was pregnant with twins and they died. One lived for 3 hrs and the other was stillborn. When they died, so did something inside of me. It was like I was a zombie. I mean I got up and I bathed, on most days, and I ate, maybe once a week, and I went out from time to time....not really sure where. Most of the time, I did not feel like being bothered with anyone or anything that could talk. I just wanted to fade away. I just wanted to disappear. And well, things that I was supposed wanted needed to do, I could not do.

I could not function. I walked past the mailbox everyday without stopping to take my mail. Most of the time it was filled with letters from stupid people who thought writing stuff like "God knows best" "Just Have Another One" and other buffoonery was helpful. (and in the interest of not overpopulating the cemeteries and adding one more body to the prison's rosters, I stop reading my mail.) Then there was always some bill that I could not afford and that would just depress me even more because I had always paid my bills on time. So, I just decided to stop opening and getting the mail. What was the need? I didn't want to read stupid letters from stupid people and I didn't want to look at bills I couldn't pay.

Now, I knew that I was suffering from PTSD , which was natural, but I didn't know that I would be dealing with it 9 years later. Well, I guess since my method of dealing with it was to not really deal with it, it only made sense that 9 years later, I was still avoiding opening my mail and taking it out of the mailbox. Even though I can afford to pay most of my bills now and most of the stupid people have gone their merry way.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have tried on several occasions to conquer this beast, but something always happens: somebody gets sick, somebody needs to eat, i run out of trash bags, i get sleepy, i lose my motivation

I have asked on several occasions for people to come over and assist me but something always comes up..well, i am finally putting my foot down and saying my room will be a place of refuge and serenity by the end of August even if I have to pay someone to do it for me.

It only makes sense to get rid of the physical clutter as I declutter my brain and my heart.

So here's to the countdown of cleaning for love.

"Physical clutter typically is a manifestation of mental clutter. Look around you, is there clutter? Are there things that you need to deal with and you just let it pile off saying you are going to deal with it another day? Don't let you another day come 9 years later. Free your mind and the clutter will follow."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Green Eyed

My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend
My eyes are green
Cause I eat a lot of vegetables
It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

Usually, I have red eyes, or purple, or light brown, but there are occasions when my eyes are GREEN...w/ ENVY??? or JEALOUSY???? not sure, I just know I get this feeling in my stomach, you know the feeling you have before you get on the mega coaster? And I start doubting myself, wondering if my ba-dunk needs to bigger, or my boobs, or my legs, or if my hair should be combed differently (most days people are just glad that it's comb), and I am wondering if he looking at her, or if she likes hanging out with them better... you know the usually foolishness.

Today I went to see an old friend perform and I have to be honest, I was scared. I knew that He would be there and that meant all the girls that were trying to get at him when we were together would be there, and well I almost chickened out. It was just too much pressure of showing up and being fly enough to be noticed but not look like I had actually tried to get noticed. I mean, what did it matter, we weren't together, why did I need his eyes to become cemented on me the minute I walked in?

Well, it's probably because I adored being noticed by him. Loved the way he looked at me with longing in his eyes. Loved the way he dressed, yeah he always used to jock my fresh. It was just something to have one of the flyest guys come up to you and embrace you in a hug that always lingered too long.

Then there was that nagging voice in the back of my head asking me the question that I did not know the answer to: What if his new girl is there? How you gonna act? How you gonna feel? I mean realistically, all them other gurls hold the same position I hold...has been. (I just look better than them...well, I do)

I was torn... I wanted to go because since we have known each other, I have never missed one of his local performances...BUT, I would be traveling solo for this event unlike the other times when my girls came for moral support. So what's a girl to do?

Do I go or do I hide stay home?

Well, like I told you, I am ready for love and I decided that if I was going to do this, that I was going to give 100% and let them green eyed bodysnatchers fall by the wayside. So, I changed into the first thing I laid my hands on which just so happened to be this fabulous sun dress that shows off my shapely shape when the wind blows just right.

I stopped past my girl house, hoping that she was dressed (she wasn't). I still needed some moral support. I thought of calling this guy that had been trying to get at me for a minute, but I didn't think that would play out very well.

So I drove up to the spot where they were performing and the tightening of my body let me know that He was near. I looked and saw that he was posted outside the door. I doubled around to get a better look at him and to determine how I felt about him. I parked my car and rolled up to the door only to notice my homie from wayback. We got to shooting the breeze and low and behold, I forgot how nervous I was and why. I peeped as the girls came up and batted their eyes at him and my stomach remain steady. It did not do a nose dive to my toes.

I went in and took a seat in the back to take it all in...and I was fine... my heart was beating normal and I wasn't sweating. I saw this chick get really close to him and nothing.. None of the nonsense that used to cloud my thinking even appeared. I did not feel self-conscious or even the least bit ugly. I was FIERCE and they knew it...he knew it and most importantly, I knew it.

"So, if you are fighting with low self-esteem, body image, or just simply think that you are not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough, I am here to tell you that you are. And the sooner you get out of your head, the sooner you will realize it and watch how the world follows. Get up and go to the mirror and tell yourself, I am the best thing walking (um after MOI ofcourse ; ) )"
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)
(i posted this last night but it did not come thru so I will double post today)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I've Been Tagged and I won the Honest Scrap AWARD...YIPPEE

Pick your Artist:
India Arie

Are you a male or female:
"Talk to Her"

Describe yourself:

How do you feel:
"I am Ready for Love"

Describe where you currently live:

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
"Back to the Middle"

Your favorite form of transportation:
"River rise"

Your best friend?
"Beautiful Surprise"

You and your best friends are:
"Strength, Courage & Wisdon"

What's the weather like:
"A Beautiful Day"

Favorite time of day:
"Good Morning"

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
"Always in My Head"

What is life to you:
"Complicated Melody"

Your relationship:
"Headed in the Right Direction"

Your fear:
"You Made a Fool of Me"

What is the best advice you have to give:
" This Too Shall Pass"

Thought for the Day:
"Slow Down"

How I would like to die:
"chocolate High"

My soul's present condition:

My motto:
" Little Things"

So, for this one I tag JB, and LBH and Hot Piece


I won, I won, I won...first I would like to thank God for making me to be in His beautiful image and for giving me working hands to type with... then I would like to thank the blogger who nominated me the Queen to BEE and I would like to thank all my fans that support me...cuz I am a winner!!!!

okay so the rules were for me to (1) Brag about it.. (2) Choose seven blogs I find brilliant and link to them, and.. (3) List 10 honest things about myself

So my Starting 7 for this week who haven't won an award are Words,UrbanQueen,LoveBabz,Truthz, PERFECT MAN, PW, PS

My 10 Honest Things

1. I was very self-conscious about my body image when I use to engage in the horizontal mambo.

2. I do not like feet.

3. I used to write my name with my toes.

4. I once fell in a whole in front of a guy that I was crushing on.

5. I once hid under a car from a guy I was crushing on.

6. I once hid behind a huge dumpster so this dude that was crushing on me and trying to kiss me would not find me.

7. I used to practice my kissing skills on a cup at the prompting of my cousin.

8. People think I am smart because I study a lot, I actually just really retain what I hear.

9. I am afraid of success.

10. I used to be afraid of commitment.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Blessed w/ A Lil Touch of Craziness

And I have been dealing with a full doze of crazy this entire weekend. So this would be the reason why I haven't been able to blog the last couple of days because I have been displaced from my blogging room. (I bootleg off wireless and can only get a signal from one room and my company was occupying that room)

So here is the long and short of it.. okay, it's probably gonna be pretty long, but, I haven't been here in a minute.

All of my life I have felt like a motherless child, left to fend and care for myself. There is nothing worse than living in a house full of people and feeling all alone. It seemed like everyone that I bonded with was taken from either by death or incarceration.

I had/have a father but just in the sense of the word. My father, there was/is something wrong with him. He is/was very aggressive toward his immediate family (meaning his wife and kids) but not to those around him. He doesn't know me or any of his other kids, which is sad seeing how we all grew up in the same household. He used to beat us and he used to beat my mother. He was mean and surly for no reason. He was super strong and became even stronger when provoked...this is the only reason he is still alive today cuz my brothers and I were going to put a cap in him but none of us wanted to be the sacrificial lamb that would most likely lose their life so the other two could attack from behind. So, he lives on, but he sleeps in a hard, lonely bed, so I guess karma does have a way of circling back round. I still am confused when people tell me that my father is a fun person to be around and that he is always laughing and is so jovial... I really don't have any fond memories of my father...I remember when his brother died, how he broke down and cried, I remember that was the first time I realized that he actually had feelings.

My mother, well she is a different kind of nut. Yeah, that right...she a crazy bad the one the squirrel threw down the drain in Chocolate Factory. All my life I thought she was crazy.. CRAZY for not leaving, CRAZY for staying, CRAZY for taking me past the other woman's house and pointing it out to me and I was only 5 years old, CRAZY for calling the police only to not press charges, CRAZY for allowing her family to pick sides only for her to go back to him, CRAZY for allowing a man to abuse her, CRAZY for allowing a man to abuse her children, CRAZY for coming back, CRAZY for believing it would ever change, CRAZY for allowing her mother to treat her children differently based on their color, CRAZY for not realizing something was wrong with her and seeking help, CRAZY for having favorites among her children....and the list goes on. And well, recently she told me she was diagnoised with having Bipolar and I instantly felt relieved... I was right all these years, it was something really wrong with this lady.. well it was really solidified when she said, "It's nothing wrong with me, I'm normal, just like anyone else, I just now have a label, and that's all it is, I don't have a mental illness." ( yeah, I tried to explain to her that bipolar is a form of mental illness, but who would have been the crazy one: the person arguing with the crazy person, or the crazy person?)

Well, that brings it back to me. I suffer from abandonment issues and I have anger management issues (meaning I used to bust people in the head and keep it moving). I used to deal with these issues by not dealing with them... I don't know if I thought they would just go away or what. I did a pretty good job of managing them, but the abandonment issues made/make it very hard for me to maintain close relationships with people. I tend to push them away so I don't have to deal with the issues of them leaving on their own. Well, part of me loving myself means that I have promised myself that I will get the help I need to deal with these issues because I do not want to be a prisoner to my insecurities or my anger any longer.

"So, if you are dealing with something, or need to deal with something that is kinda embarassing, know that the only one that can judge you, is also the only one that can really help you: God. Know that everyone is battling something whether they advertise it or not. You will never be able to love yourself until you free yourself of the weights that bind you. So if you can fix it, do so, if it's too big, give it to God and keep it moving."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)