My heart's in turmoil...I wish I could say that by the time you read this blog, I would be gone, but I know I won't. I have been writing this letter for some time and well, I can't quite pen my words to say exactly what I want to say without sounding like a 3 year old child or without sounding bitter, jealous, angry, or affected, or without having to write another side note to explain what it was that I was trying to say that I felt I didn't say that well in the letter.
Truth is: I am bitter, angry and affected. AND, at times I do get jealous and pout and throw a tantrum like a 3 year old, okay maybe a 5 year old child.
I am BITTER that your transition from being in love to being out of love with me has been so seamless. I still wonder how it is that you managed to get your tool lubed just days after we departed IF you weren't doing anything on the side. (I know that some of us will do whatever to get a man, but dang, just like that? Exactly) I mean, yeah we weren't together but isn't there some unofficial break-up rule that you don't hump, pump, finger, lick, stick, bite, shuck, or bring to your mama's house another person within 168hrs (um, yeah that would be 1wk) of breaking up with your previous girl/guy? I'm just saying.
I am ANGRY that you stopped being there for me.... you used to go out of your way to make sure I was fed, safe, and knew my rightful place. Now if I am hungry I know to call Takeout Taxi and if I am in danger to call 911 and hope the Po-Pos ain't on a coffee break and I question if I was ever your number one girl since you only pen things for your number one fan.
I am JEALOUS that you are a guy and I am a girl and therefore even when I don't cry myself to sleep, I toss and turn reminiscing about the love we once had while you make memories with your new girl toy.
I throw tantrums because like a child I feel powerless and when I throw a fit, I at least get your undivided attention if just for that fleeting instance.
I am AFFECTED because I told myself that I would NEVER love again. That I would never let anyone get so close to me that they could cripple me... that they could cause me to lose me.. cause me to doubt me... cause me to be all up in my head. I loved you, the best way I could...even when it scared the bajeezies out of me, I stayed the course...even when I sensed you were getting scared, I pushed forward; even when you allowed others to weigh in, I sucked it up and charged it to the game; even when you dethroned me and put me at the end, I bided my time; even when it was apparent that the well had run dry and I was the pinch hitter for when the starting five weren't delivering....I loved you and smiled through the pain.
You asked a very valid question: Why am I here? Well, cuz in my mind, I never left.
"Falling in love is the easy part, it's the landing that's hard. Sometimes when you land, you find out you hit the mark and other times you find out you missed the target completely. Navigating the course of love is never easy, not for the ones on the rollercoaster ride nor for the friends and family watching from the sidelines."