Thursday, June 30, 2011

Picking Up The Pieces

The first time I heard this song I burst into tears. I had been feeling some kinda way for a minute and was looking for something that could verbalize the feelings of insecurity, frustration, longing, despair, hope, love....yes ball of confusion that was taking over my body and turning me into an emotional wreck.

It's hard because every situation, encounter, person, event, and experience has the potential of shading the windows to our soul... the color of that hue can impact our life more than the event itself. Having a lasting choke hold impact on your future, making you react to situations in manners that's not your norm. It can also force you to seek out situations that you know are not beneficial for you so that you can validate your now preconceived notion about something. It forces you to hold on to pain and constantly seek situations that will not only reinforce that pain but validate why you should stop trying to see things any other way.

I have had a helluva life. There are times that I get up and wonder why the heck me. There are times that I get up and wonder why my clock has not expired yet...what more pain, turmoil, persecution do I have to go through before I get a reprieve. But, my life could be much worse. Much, Much worse. I know this, but I really don't care because I am in the midst of the storm and it feels like I am being struck by lightening every waken moment. Don't get me wrong, I have made a lot of strides...leaps and bounds this past year. I have unloaded a lot of dead weight. I still shake my head in disbelief at how much peace came to my life after I confronted the rapist. Has me over here trying to figure out who and what else I need to confront so I can elevate to the next level because I know that where I am, is not where I am supposed to be. I refuse to believe it even though the dirt on my glasses makes it hard for me to see any other way or life for me.

I have struggled with low self-esteem off and on throughout my entire life. I know when it was introduced and when it was reinforced and when it was validated...I don't know how to get rid of it. The surface stuff I have gotten control of..cuz yeah I am the flyyest of the fly when I am flying solo... The problem comes in when it's time to establish something that's deeper than superficial. When I have to make my "representative" look somewhat like what's behind all of these masks. When I have to become emotionally available and vulnerable.

I can't.. well I can..but I can't be consistent. I get afraid and I run. I retreat. I delete and block on facebook and twitter. I do all sorts of silly things that makes it looks like I ain't ready when I am. I also become attracted to guys who aren't available. People who have no interest in waiting for me to pick up the pieces so they can understand how they fit. And it's slowly driving me over the edge. I know my worth...I know my worth...I know my worth...but sometimes I am too afraid to show it.

My current lust interest is as fickle as me and it frustrates me...I don't want fickle, I want something that will last forever..from infinity and beyond.

"There comes a time when we have to take off those rose and smut covered glasses and wipe them clean and start seeing things for what they presently are and not for what they in the moment without letting the Past shape the outcome or the experience."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Monday, June 27, 2011

So they tell me...

and well, I guess it's kinda like the squeaky door gets the oil... I get it, but I just don't like it!

It's not that I don't like asking for help. I don't like being disappointed. I don't like setting expectations only to have them not met...or maybe it's not even that they aren't met, maybe it's the fact that sometimes people don't even put forth effort to keep their end of the bargain.

I also don't trust people with my weaknesses...asking for help in my mind makes you expose to people who have the potential of hurting you what you are lacking...and they can either choose to use that information for good, evil or not at all. And well most peeps today are in it to win it for themselves. Trust.

I set my expectations based on what I would do and how I would act, isn't that the Golden Rule? Well, most peeps aren't going to go the extra mile for you. I learned this lesson as a child. It only took one Saturday of waiting for someone to come pick me up and do what they promised they would do for me, someone that never showed AND never called, for me to learn that outside of God, I need only to depend on myself. At least then, I won't be disappointed because at the end of the day, I know what I am capable of.

Like this past weekend, I had an end of the school year and send off party for Chucky and Chucky's Bride. I had several peeps volunteer to help me transport the items to the event's location but when it was all said and done, all of the stuff was piled up into my lil car. Repacking my car to make everything fit, put me behind schedule, causing me to get to the party um, late and it also caused me to damage one of my cakes. And had I expected the people to actually come through for me, I would have been pissed. But, I always operate under the notion that when it's all said and done, I'm gonna have to do whatever it is that I am asking someone else to do , which is why I got up at 11pm and dropped Chucky and Chucky's Bride off at the hotel where my donor was staying. I knew I needed to make sure I had car space in the event someone couldn't help. (I stay with a backup plan to my backup plan)

I also asked someone to help me put the finishing touches on the cake and well after telling me how much they really didn't want to help because they didn't like dealing with cakes when they had no orders, um yeah I just made it do what it when they got to the event and told me that my cake was damaged because I waited until the last minute to do it and that it only tasted "okay" and didn't have it's normal pow, I just shrugged and smiled. (I'm done giving the Devil my joy and I am done asking closet haters for help cuz it's funny how a cake that served 100 peoples was demolished by 30 #noneleft #nuffsaid)

Now, it would be easy for me to continue dwelling on all the negative occurrences that help reinforce that if I need to be fed, I bets to grow me a garden, but then that wouldn't be me doing something different or me lovin LUV... part of loving me, is allowing others to love, Luv, and the only way they gonna get a chance to love Luv is by Luv letting them in and letting them help Luv. (don't you love it when I talk in the 3rd person) And well, I made the mistake the other day and did just that. I opened up about how I was so disappointed with Chucky's school progression and how I had to bite the bullet and put him in a tutoring course for the summer only to be told that their stepmama was a teacher and a tutor and that she had the ability to provide the one-on-one I was looking for and blah blah blah some ole Lean On Me mess.......

and you know what, she was right. (don't tell her I said that)

"A close mouth doesn't get fed... Sure I can plant my own garden, but what does that help if it doesn't produce the fruits that I need to eat? No one can fill those of my needs that I don't let be known...I am done suffering in silence. Living, Learning, and Applying."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Monday, June 20, 2011

My Cup Runneth Over.....

... but with all the wrong things.

I have a lot of anger to share. A lot of disappointment and dispair. I have a lot of unmet expectations and wants. I have a whole heck of a lot of tears and fears. I have gallons and gallons of hurt and pain and even some shame and blame. I have a bunch of stuff in my cup that I no longer want, nor need.

I say I have been searching for love, but how could this be? How can I love or even recognize those that are trying to love me when I only have a lil bit of it in my cup?

Hindsight 20/20 is always that ~ hindsight. I think about the men that have marched in and out of my life professing to love me...I think about how I laughed and looked at them with my *side eye* doubting it could ever be...but now I am wondering what if it wasn't them, but me? (yeah like it could ever be me) What if some of them really did love me? And maybe the problem wasn't that they didn't love me, it was just that they couldn't love me the way that I needed them to love me because I didn't even know what love looked like, let along felt like...and surely really didn't know what kinda loving I needed.

I say I just want to be loved and allowed to love openly and unconditionally in return. Those are the words that come out of my mouth. My actions, yeah those say another thing. Let's take MSC, a dude that truth be told I was really feeling and to protect my lil fragile ego, I will say he was really feeling me too. But then something happened...people got wind that I was paying too much attention to him and the chatter started and well I do what I do best when my safe place is threaten ~ I shut down any and all emotions that I had made available and began my silent retreat. (ok, it wasn't that silent, I had to take some shots at the lane violators) So now, I am secretly looking at his pics and wondering if he will reach out to me now that I have practically told him I wish I had never met him. (yeah, I know, I was so much easier when I was a tomboy hiding under cars)

But if he did, what would it matter? Outside of wanting him to pay me some doggone consistent attention, what else do I want from him...or better yet, what do I need from him?

So Father's Day was yesterday, and I was getting a kick out of reading peep's post about their fathers. It's amazing how forgiving some individuals are...posting their father's were great when I know for a fact these ninjas were never around. But, I guess these people have been able to do what I have still yet to do: FORGIVE, LET GO (so forgiveness should have been at the top of both mine and MM's list..this entire commentary was in the original previous post) and LOVE PEOPLE where they are and ACCEPT the love of those individuals in what ever dose they are able to give it....yeah, I'm definitely not there yet.

It's either all or nothing with me (yup, that Polar Thinking) I am either going to LOVE the mess out of you by smothering you or I am going to HATE you and make every encounter as painful as it possibly can be. Well, that's how it is for guys that I am interested tried and true blue friends, it's a lil bit different...I am able to open up and have a middle ground with them because I know they aren't going any where. They know and have accepted that I love them and they smother me just as much as I smother them. (yeah we brats)

So I am looking at the posts and it just hits me hard that until I forgive myself for not being born to people that could love me the way that I not only needed to be loved but DESERVED to be loved that I am never going to find the love I am "searching" for because it will never exist for me. I will never be able to love openly, freely and unconditionally until I make amends with myself and put the bag of shame that I have been carrying filled with all of my "emotions" of being unloved down! (forget hurting my back, I am hurting my future...I am hurting my child's future as well as my niece's) I have to do an aboutface one last,lose or draw, I gots to leave it all on the mat.

It's time. It's past time. I can't keep holding on to these decade old grudges. Especially since I am now loving my son the way my father loved me.... yeah, not a good look. The funny thing is, my father is able to love my son the way he should have loved his kids. Go figure. I am not sure if it's cuz he realizes he made his bed hard with his kids and I am the only one that allows their child to have a relationship with him or what. I just know that my story cannot be my son's.

I don't want my son to say, "well my mama must have loved me because she worked her fingers to the bone to provide for me and it would have been much easier for her to just sit on the couch and stay home." Cuz trust me, there are days that I just want to fade into the background but don't cuz I gots to feed my son, I'm all he has.

As an adult, I understand my father's frustration. I understand his pain...his feelings of inadequacy...his feeling that you are never doing enough because someone is always going to be needing something. But I also understand that it's not my child's fault and so it's not fair to him to make him pay for my choices and my current situation.

Deep down under all of these layers, I know what I want. I want to wake up and go to sleep with a smile on my face. I want to embrace and hold my son just cuz. I want to give knowing that I will also receive. I don't want to keep a count or have to attach strings. I want to make the room stop or slow down when I walk into it. I want the fairytale with the happy ending....but, how do I get there?

I don't have many examples of love going right...and I am tired of modeling all the ones that have gone wrong. So how do I begin to pour out the toxins that are spilling over from my cup and replace them with things I really need? Who's going to teach me if I don't let down my guard or at least a couple of my walls?

"Sometimes we search for so long and so hard only to come up short, time and time again because we haven't taught our eyes what it is we are looking for ~ stepping out of my own way so that I can finally see where I am going."

~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

*will edit later...or maybe not : )

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Can't Give What I Never Had...

..... or can I?

So, I went to see a man about a horse and he tried to sell me a heafa instead.

Smh...well at least that is how I felt when I went to see the Quack...(still can't remember what I changed his name to, think I am gonna call him MM) Now he told me he was going to give me a list, no strings attached, then I get there and he tells me he has two lists for me, lucky me (yay-- not) and then I walk away with one half-butt list-definitely wasn't a winning day for me.

But the more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized that MM gives me what I give him-FLUFF. Not sure if it's by design or coincidence. Mine, it's just the nature of the beast. Him, he really be trying. So his assignment was the following: " give me a list of things I need to work on so my HIM can hurry up and find me, I need my permanent babysitter...please and thanks" But when I get there he is asking me about my list and what I think I have left to tackle... now 1st off, ain't nobody never tell slim I had a list of my own, if I had a list, I wouldn't need his list, now would I? But for the sake of getting to his list I toss him some stuff that sound like he will swallow:

not holding grudges

letting go of things

violence/anger management

and then it's his go...he put his titles up there and I am really hoping he breezes past his list for me to his list for what my HIM needs to look like cuz I am tired of striking out. I ain't one for dating and wasting time, clocks a ticking and not just the babymaking one.

MM's list for me: setting expectations, getting past people, places and events, getting rid of polar thinking, and becoming emotionally available (whatever)

Then he proceeds to tell me that he isn't going to give me the second list, that he has changed his mind because he doesn't want me to get distracted from the real list (what in the samhill...who does he think he is, a real therapist?!) So needless to say, I am hot and in my feelings so I do what I do best ~ shut down...all the way down because essentially wasted some more time, time that I do not have.

*********so I finished this post and something happened when I went to
didn't post and though I could retype everything else.. my soul isn't in that place any I will post this and i will explore some other kinda*******

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Hoodwinked and Bamboozled!

This is how I feel and how I have been feeling... shoot it's been too too you know what that means... strap up it's going to be a long bumpy ride....or maybe not... maybe i will for once just say what i have to say without all the pomp and circumstance... (miracles do happen) it's crazy, i don't even remember what my signature "thing" was with this blog... but like riding a bike, i am gonna get on this baby and i am going to ride it like i have never ridden before.

so what made me stop this time, cuz i was on a roll...well i went to see my homie who had been oppressed by the man (haha) in the ATL and while down there i decided to hit up all my homies that um were in close proximity. Well at one of my friend's house, who is more like my sistah, i experienced a set back. My child allowed her child to bite him on the butt. And while i did not allow them to question him w/o me or at all ( i questioned him in their presence) i still felt like i had failed him afterwards because when the incident was brought to me i immediately went in to reaction mode instead of listening and detective mode. I was so upset that he would show any part of his body to anyone after the year we had been through. I was also so upset that he was allowing a 3 year old to dictate his actions. I was also upset that I allowed myself to overreact. I was also upset because but for me sharing with my sistah my child's incident i don't think she nor her husband would have reacted the way that they did. I called Quack right away and he laughed... he thought it was funny and was like 'i bet he won't never take that dare again.' I then called my Jill Scott and she was like "eww boys are nasty...why would he let him bite him on the butt when he saw that lil boy wasn't going to back down?"

So the scenario we were given is that my lil nephew told my child that if he didn't get up and stop crying that he was going to bite child was like no you not, and he like yes, i will.. and he's like no you won't and he's like bet, yes i will, and my child is like you won't bite me on my butt and my lil nephew goes and bites him him at the top of his butt, where the top of your pants stop.

I tried to blog about this on many occasions but couldn't...i couldn't process my feelings.. i didn't know how i felt about my friend sharing with her husband what had happened to my child after i asked her not to...i didn't know how i felt about her not taking my calls..i didn't know how i felt about my child's lack of concern for his safety...i didn't know how i felt about my overreacting to the situation and reading more into what was going on than was actually there. i just didn't know...

even with this blog and talking to Quacky Quack (is that his name or did i change it, dang it's been too long) i still keep so much stuffed in me. i am busting at the seams. and it has to's gotta stop... or it will certainly kill me

i feel like my entire life has been a sham..that i have been bamboozled into believing that the early bird gets the worm, that the one who walk the straight and narrow gets the successes, that if you work hard you can play harder, that there is enough room at the top ~ all that is hogwash... the ones i see succeeding right now are the ones that did it by any means necessary, by cutting throats, stabbing backs, stepping on heads, lying, cheating and deceiving...they living it up and quite honesty i want to live some too.

"life ain't always what you make it, sometimes it is just some crap you are given...but nevertheless, it is life, and if you play your cards right you just might win a book or two."

Gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do (Smooches <3 )