Thursday, April 29, 2010

Ninjas Please Go Sit Yourself Down Somewhere

Anywhere but here! Sheesh.

Yes, Ninjette I had your man and he had a baby on you with me, but that's water under the bridge...or it should be cuz I don't want his tired, smelly, broke behind any more. Haven't for a very long time. I think dealing with him for 5 years was long enough for me to realize that I didn't want to spend a lifetime with him let alone another day, hour, or second. Which is why when he told me that he told you that he wanted to leave you for me, I told that Bama that come hell or high water, he bets to make you understand that he was just playing!

You can keep your Dirty man and his cooties!

Now look here Missy, I don't know what that DoubleDeadBeat over there telling you but let me tell you this right here: Please get it twisted and put your hand on my child and you and your can of corn will get dealt with. Who walks around with can goods in their bag just in case they get into a fight? Who does that? Yeah, peeps like you two, who old as the apostles and never grow up.

When I put it all in perspective and measure the amount of crap I have had to deal with in my life, I am astounded at how much drama your man and his family has brought into it. The stuff that I have had to reckon with I thought only happened in movies or on the Maury show. Mybajeezes.

Yeah, your man is also someone else's man, but believe me when I tell you it ain't me. I ain't wanted that Ninja since the day I told him, 4 yrs ago, to get to stepping. To be honest, I didn't want his behind when I had him. But, I loved the attention because I was lonely and going through some things. Trust and believe had I been in my right mind, he would have never gotten to smell my stuff let along stick it. Believe that.

Some mistakes will haunt you like a bad plate of the porky pork. I mean I got with this man literally months after I had lost the twins. Before the rape, I had had 3 sexual partners. After the rape and leading up to the time I hooked up with Dirty I know I had at least 3 more sexual partners (scared to actually calculate the actual number) and had men lining up to get a taste. So me getting with Dirty, even though initially I wasn't feeling him, mainly because one he was married and sleeping with like 3 other people and because he wasn't my type, saved me in a sense. It made me pump my breaks because I was spiraling out of control.

I tolerated him. Even after he stole from me. I tolerated him. Even after all of the lies. I tolerated him. Even after he double crossed me. I tolerate him. Even though he does not contribute to my child's well-being. I tolerate him. Because my child loves him, even though he thinks he is his "grandpa". I tolerate him. Even though he fills my child's head up with lies and make plans that he does not intend to execute. I tolerate him. Even though he ain't worth the sperm his daddy used to create him.

I must warn you, my tolerance is running thin. If you have a problem with me, have it with me. My child is here and he ain't going no where. If your man has a problem with dealing with your issues with the fact that my child is here and how he got here, that is for you and your man to work out. That Ninja should have thought about all that when we planned to have this baby. Yes, Ninjette I said planned. And had I known that he was allowing you to abuse his other kids to keep the peace with you, that blueprint would have been torched. Talking about he wanted to give me a baby to make me happy again, and I ain't seen happiness since.

So, I am telling you Ninjas and the Devil to go sit yall raggedy tails down. I ain't got time for yall smallness. My child and I got places to see and things to do and when we are done doing us, I am 99.9% sure you will still be doing the same thing: NOTHING

Kick Rocks Ninjas, you are and always will be, the weakest, whackest, brokest link.

"Roadblocks come in all shapes, sizes and forms. They are designed to distract you from your ultimate goal. Learn to recognize and understand that small minded people a.k.a. haters never want to see you happy, never want to see you get ahead, even if you been down and out for a long while. The hater circuit is just like the groupie circuit, word gets around when you about to make big moves. And yes, it ain't nothing but the Devil. Now that you know, regroup, adjust and keep it moving!"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The Bare, Naked Truth

Being vulnerable isn't one of my strong points.

If I could have any super power that I wanted, I think I would ask for invincibility just so that I would never have to be vulnerable...EVER AGAIN!

I didn't always used to be this way...I didn't, you can ask my ICE. He just said to me the other day:

"What weren't always like this...I just don't understand."

Yes, I used to be sure about my decisions and about myself and about my value. I used to have haters galore.

It happened 10 years ago this time. Them babies. That entire ordeal. It just took everything good that I had left in me. It killed my spirit. It shattered my already broken foundation. It altered my damaged me beyond compare.

It is what it is. I do not try and make excuses for it. I do not try and burden people with my sorrow or my problems. I do not try and let people know how badly I am really hurting. But I will try and explain the method to my madness and rehash why that was the straw that broke Luv's back.

Yes, I had a horrific childhood. I know this and I had accepted this BUT what I didn't accept at the time was that I was unworthy of being loved and incapable of giving and receiving it. I had determined that my parents were too screwed up to effectively love anything else because they didn't even love themselves. I had determined this at the age of 7.

I don't drink because I don't think I would stop because quiet as it is kept, my father is/was an alcoholic. Not too sure what he is now because I ain't checking for him. I know the power of genetics. I know how much environment over nature can influence a person. I understood the dynamics of this probably by the age of 8.

I say all of this to say that I was very skilled at identifying the situations around me for what they were, processing them, and discarding them in such a fashion that they did not damage me...did not take away from my emotional cup.

I remember almost everything about my childhood, but this one incident stands out to me because it has always puzzled me why I held on to this memory...why it bothered me so. I was in first grade. My mother and father were going through one of their violent spells. My father tried to smash my mother's head in. My mother left. She eventually came back to get us. We were hiding out in my aunt's apartment. I remember that on most occasions that someone else would come pick us up from school because I don't think my mother wanted to chance meeting up with my father and they got to humbugging out in front of the school. But on this particular occasion, she got us herself. I remember we stopped at this grocery store where we ran into my 1st grade teacher. I remember my mother feeling some kinda way about running into my teacher. I don't know if it was because she was white or if it was because we stated we were going home and she made mention that she thought we lived elsewhere. I remember Ms. Lovely looking at my mother and patting her and telling her that if she needed anything...any type of assistance to just let her know. I remember my mother mumbling as we were getting into the car that we couldn't stop at that grocery any more on the way from school.

I think in that instance I learned that no matter what, you never let anyone know how bad it really is.

Fast forward: So, up until the incident with my twins, I had seen and learned a lot of dysfunction; but, I was able to insulate myself from its brunt force by believing that I could rise above the madness. That I could escape, scratchfree. I believed that once I got away from my parents and that environment that I would be okay. That people would instantly love me. That I would prove that I could and would be different. That I would love myself. (and I did) And most importantly that I would love my kids...but the powers that be were telling me that I wouldn't be able to have, I would just need or time to cry about something I couldn't control I needed to keep that forward momentum.

I allowed this dude who I knew was sweet on me to come visit. He had been sweet on me for a long minute. When I was 16, I used to feel him undress me with his eyes. He was like 29. He didn't phase me, I was going to marry Michael Jordan. I had no time for little people. So, anyways, this dude had caught up with me on one of my many trips home and asked if he could stay with me if he came to visit the nation's capital. Yeah, why not? I had had plenty of dudes stay with me and nothing happen. There was no need for alarm, right? Plus, I wasn't 16 any more. I wish I could say that I didn't have any reservations, but I did. So much so that it prompted me to call this dude and ask what his intentions were, explaining that if he thought he was gonna get some, he should cancel his tix could he was gonna be severely disappointed. I told him that I didn't like him like that and that I was a virgin, saving it for my husband(I had been celibate for 2 1/2 years but he didn't need to know that). So he comes and the first night everything is cool. The second night he rapes me. I confide in some people and then try to push on. I didn't want people worrying about me and I partly blamed myself. I had doubts, I should have told him he couldn't come. Yes, no means no, but still....

Shortly thereafter, I found out I was pregnant with twins. I was soooooooooooooo excited. I charted and plotted everything about them. I was so in love. My pregnancy was very difficult. I found out that there are a lot of ignorant people in this world disguising themselves as intelligent people. While I was fighting for my babies lives, there were people praying that I would lose them since I wouldn't abort them because I must be out of my mind to want to have a rapist baby. (Funny, cuz I only looked at them as being MY BABIES) See, them babies were my chance to prove to myself that I could love. Them babies were my chance to prove to myself that I could be loved. Them babies were my chance to start my own family and break the cycle. To show that God hadn't forgotten about me and that He would allow some sunshine to shine on me...when them babies died it was like someone had turned out the lights.

When my babies died, I was lost. I didn't know what to hold on to as truth. I knew God could not try me with anything evil because HE is pure. But, I couldn't figure out why He allowed me to go through something so awful after all I had been through in life. I couldn't understand why He thought I could go through something so heinous, and all alone. I couldn't understand why everyone wanted to hurt me, when all I wanted out of life was to be happy. To love and to be loved. I couldn't understand why I was constantly turning the other cheek just to be crapped on again and again. So, as the days turned into months, I stopped talking to people. I just wanted to be left alone. If I was by myself, the only one who could treat me badly would be me. And being alone all the time, I started allowing the negativity that had been chasing me for so long to catch up with me. Then I stared listening to it, digesting it, and before long, I was believing and living it.

See, it's hard to make a person understand what I was before because a lot of them only can see what's in front of them. I am just a fraction of what I used to be. I mean, I was so fierce, I used to hate on myself. (smile) I used to travel on a shoestring budget. I used to give gifts straight from the heart. I used to have fun and really lived the mantra that what you thought of me was none of my business. I used to do so many things and I still can, and I will, it's just..

I see the way you look at me, I see the pity in your eyes, you feel sorry for me...for what? my story is not that different from someone else. We all go through our trials and tribulations. We all have to carry our own torture stake. I can't take your help because it comes with strings attached. I can't take your help because you don't really see me. You see this shell of me that stands before you, you don't see the me I used to be or the me that I am going to be. You don't see that you have yet to make me feel human, to make me feel connected.

I am vulnerable with my Ice because he knows my story. He does not pity me. He does not patronize me. He gives it to me straight, no chaser. He has seen what I can do. He believes in me. He loves me. He connects with me, letting me know he knows I am human.

"It's something about the human touch that can make a person feel safe, it's something about a smile that can lift the heaviest of spirits, it's something about tears that can cleanse the soul, it's something about letting go that will push us into the future."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Random Thoughts

I loved you even before I laid eyes on you. I loved you the moment I knew there was a you. I loved you more than I knew was possible. I loved you long after you were gone. And I still love you even though I never really mourned. I love you even though I will never understand....

I have tried and I have failed. That proud, strong woman crap runs deep in my veins. Instead of crying I walk around re-playing everything in my head. Replaying the bus ride...the doctor's visit...the pool of blood...the would be circus event *over my dead body*..I remember the pain..i remember rolling back and forth in the stretcher..I remember my resolve to fight for the baby that was left in me. In retrospect, I see that I really am one tough cookie. I didn't flinch. I starred death in its face and was okay with it.

I will cry. I must..I just don't know when. I did a little and then my child started to stir, and well that was the end of that. I have some unfinished cleaning to do (please don't judge me unless you gonna come help me)

My QUACK is the best! If he wasn't so metro sexual and wasn't my quack I might have considered letting him court me if I had met him on the street instead of in his, um chair. But I can still um fantasize...pole...chair..quack.. um, #fail he would try and psycho-analyze my pole technique, can't have that.

Well, if I continue eating the way I have been this week, I am surely gonna have to cry cuz I won't be able to squeeze into any of my clothes. It is what it is, just know that I am sad but I am not stopping, I am not discouraged, I am in a better space than I have been in a long time.

"Sometimes we hold on to things thinking that they are the things that make us strong when in reality, they are what are making us weak. We do not have to hold on to pain or tears to validate our experiences, or to shield, protect our image. Jesus wept and he felt pain and he is the GREATEST and STRONGEST to ever walk the earth."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do *smooches*

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

It's Been A Long Long Time Coming

And, it's time for me to stop numbing the pain.

It's funny because I don't even remember when I mastered the art of defusing pain. I know I have a high tolerance for physical pain...but I am not sure when I totally became numb to the emotional pain.

The memories used to haunt me, daily. Used to keep me up at night, shaking. I didn't want to close my eyes because I didn't want to slip into the realm where it felt like I was reliving it again. At least with my eyes open, I knew that I was just daydreaming and that the harsh realities of my visions had already come to pass.

I had forgotten the pain I felt growing up as me. I had forgotten what it felt like...I had forgotten how painful it was for me to be powerless in saving my babies..I had forgotten why the windows to my soul always looked like they had a murky haze on them.

I lost myself in my book. I lost myself in my job. I lost myself in worthless men. I lost myself in food. I lost myself in despair.

I know me and knew that something was heavy on my soul that needed to be addressed, but I could not pinpoint what it was. I thought it had to do with me blaming myself, so I discussed that but the feeling did not go away. I thought it was about me giving up on my child because I was taking his acting out so personally. So I discussed that but the feeling was still there. I thought it was this, I thought it was that...still no release from the tightness and the heaviness growing in my heart.

I had been planning on blogging about how Chucky and his bride were progressing. How the category 6 storm had downgraded to a tropical storm. How things were finally settling down and I was getting a lil' more peace in my house. But I received a text from my sister yesterday informing me that she will be coming to get Chucky Bride soon and that she is about to have yet another baby. And I immediately texted back asking her what is she going to do with this baby and asked about my nephew that is now 1 yrs old that she walked out the door with when he was two weeks old and never returned with. I mean you have 2 kids and someone else is caring for them...and now you about to have another. Birth control would not be the answer... neither would tying of her tubes. She is searching for love...searching for proof that she belongs, that she matters, that she is valued and that is when it hit me...

The last time I saw CQP, he hurt my feelings. He didn't try to, and I am sure he doesn't even realize that he did..but he did. We were going through the different issues that result in a person having self-value issues. I just couldn't wrap my head around why I didn't value myself especially with all that I had accomplished. So CQP broke it down for me about how terrible my childhood was...about basically how my parents failed at showing me that I was priceless and at showing me love...and then the peeps that did love and value me, they unfortunately weren't permanent features in my I have been trying to reconcile my value ever since.

While he was talking and bringing up things I had told him that had happened to me, I felt a pain like I hadn't felt in a long time. I saw me at 4 and 5 crying myself to sleep in my bed. I heard my prayers to God asking HIM why did he choose these people to be my family. I saw myself comparing myself to others trying to figure out what was wrong with me...trying to see what I could do differently to get my parents to love me, to see me, to understand me, to cherish me.

I remembered how alone and unloved I felt. I remembered wanting to disappear. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve the treatment I was receiving. I remember hating myself.

So as he is talking I am wondering, 'why didn't I just end it all when I was little because I had a very dysfunctional childhood and standing here looking back, I am not even sure how I made it through.'

On April __, 2000, the doctors told me that I was going to die. This was right after they scooped my stillborn son into a specimen cup. They wanted to take my other son. I basically told them that they could go to hell. They assured me that I only had 2 choices, neither of which I morally agreed with. I told them if I died, I would die with my baby and I meant that and well, I did.

I remember the pain I felt. I remember how powerless I felt. Most of all, I remembered that I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I couldn't mourn. I had work to do. I had to fight for my firstborn's brother. I had to try and make him stick or at least get to a point where he could live outside of my body.

I remember for 3 weeks I fought everyone. I fought my mother and her ignorant, drama filled lies. I fought my grandmother. I fought the insensitive nurses. I fought the incompetent doctors. I fought against my body's natural urge to abort my child. I fought the paramedic worker.

I fought with all my might and I still lost.

I remember holding my son in my arms...watching him fight to breath, fight to live, fight to be seen. I remember being angry. I remember feeling defeated. I remember feeling lost. I remember that I did not cry.

I couldn't...there was no time for that...I needed to sift through the madness...salvage whatever I could and keep it moving. I would cry another day, just not that day. And here it is 10 years later and I still haven't found the time to cry.. to cry for my cry for my dysfunctional childhood, to cry for me

But it is coming...I can feel it..and well, it's been a long, long time coming. I have been at work, tearing or two may fall and then it's done. I have been driving and the same thing has happened, a tear here, a tear there. My soul is ready to release this backup of pain, of sorrow, of hurt of everything that I cannot verbalize that I have had to endure. I am worthy of my own tears. I am worthy to be loved.

"It's been a long, long time but a change's gone come. Each day, I move toward that change. I embrace that change. I love that change. I realize that I am only as strong as my weakest link and each day that link moves closer and closer to UNBREAKABLE."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Counting My Blessings

I received another award and I am so thankful! Yall just don't know what these awards do for my blogging esteem. Makes me want to sit down and write more (yes, it is possible for me to write more.)

I was given this award by Chic Mama please travel the big blue ocean to her world. She is a Brit ; ) and guess what, she is going thru the same madness that some of us are going through in the U.S. Confirms that people are people and that we all are connected by a common thread regardless or race, color, or religion.

So I gots to list five things I am thankful for and pass this along to five other peeps:

*digging in my bag* This awards goes to the following five peeps:

Fat Girl LadyLee

KCCM Ms. Frenchie (yes the one from American Idol)


whoo. Now that that's out of the way let me get right down to it. I have to admit that this is something I need to do more of. Ms. Chic Mama does this weekly and others journal about, sometimes I am just too busy looking for Manna to see the blessing sitting right in front of me. So are five things that I am grateful for in no particular order.

1. I am grateful for having a relationship with a loving, forgiving God. He is the best, believe that.

2. I am grateful for having REAL people around me who are ready to protect me and love me, even if it has to be on my own terms.

3. I am grateful for learning at a young age that the only difference between me and the peeps I see in them million dollar homes is opportunity and that some opportunities you have to let pass you by because you will wind up giving up more of yourself than what you will get in return.

4. I am grateful for my never say die has gotten me pass points where a lot of peeps have packed up and gone home.

5. I am grateful for the people who take the time out of their busy schedules to read what's going on in my world, in my head...let's me know that I do have a story to tell and that someone is interested in hearing it.

Well that's it for now.

Please note that this is a very bad week for me emotionally. I don't really know how I am going to be..or how my blog is going to's liable to be all over the place...I may not blog..I may not Tweet. I just don't know. But know that I will be okay...I think I am going to take this week and reflect and really come to terms with how my life changed dramatically 10 years ago this week...

"I am grateful that right when I am at my breaking point, right when I have had enough, right when I am throwing in the towel and about to walk away that God doesn't allow anything else to happen to me that would certainly cause me to lose all faith and hope. Sometimes you gots to be grateful that nothing wrong is going on in your life even if it's just for that moment...that second."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Saturday, April 17, 2010

He Ain't Them

That's what I have to keep telling myself. My child is not any of the low lifes I have been dealing with in the past or even my present. He is not my brother, he is not my uncles, he is not his father, he is not tired or worthless. He is just a boy who is afraid of his own shadow.

My brother was like my child...for as long as I can remember, I was always looking after him, taking care of him, defending him, worrying about him, parenting him, then he moved in with me because he had no where else to go. He asked me why didn't I have a car. He told me that I was nothing and never did nothing for him and would never be anything. I called his mother and told him that he had 24hrs to get his STUFF and get out. I didn't care how he got back to Chicago because I was done. That was 9 years ago, I haven't spoken to him since.

I didn't have a car because after I paid my rent, I spent majority of my money making sure that he had clothes on his back and shoes on his size 16 feet. I was making sure his insulin was being bought and that he had food to eat even when my cupboards were bare. But I never helped him, hmmph, I would never help him again. I knew my brother was selfish, ungrateful and was a user...he was like that when we were little, but I never thought he would be like that with me.

My uncles were lazy and scam artists and professional crooks. They are a perfect example of wasted raw talent. They preferred to hide their intelligence and be cool then be called nerds. Well one day they looked up and didn't have to worry about that because they only thing they were smarter than were the newborns in the hospital. Til this day, one of my uncle only knows how to read his name. I bet he wishes he could get a do-over.

He is not his father, even though on any given day he may look just like him. He is not his father even though lately he has taken to telling lies versus telling the truth. He is not his father even though he is toting half his DNA. He is not his father. Lawd, please don't let him be like that man. I knew his father was nothing when I met him, yet I still choose to bed him and planned to have his seed. I thought that the break would be easy and that I would go my way and he his. I thought that as long as the contact was limited that my child would have a fighting chance to contribute and not be a parasite to society. I had faith up until this last incident that we were going to dodge the bullet. Now I am not so sure.

Nevertheless, my child still has value. He still has a strong foundation. He is still a baby and I still need to fight for him. I can save him. He is not grown and giving me his behind to kiss. He is soon to be 7. His ways are not etched in stone even though they are going to be hard to break. I have to be patient. I have to constantly remind myself that even though he exhibits a lot of traits I may associate with them other dudes that turned out to be a lost cause that, He is not them and it's not fair for me to treat him like he is.

"It's not fair to displace your anger, frustrations, feelings in such a manner that you make everyone else pay for the mistake of another. We have to learn to separate our feelings and treat each new situation, even if it possess similarities to one gone bad, uniquely."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Taking Back Control, Putting My Cape Back On

I couldn't resist. Seems like the perfect pole outfit. (smile)

So, today I had a kinda emotional trying day and I triumphed over evil.

Pbbt (spit and all), take that evil I refuse to play your game any more!

So Dirty, that would be my child's DNA donor, really plucked my nerves. There's nothing that I hate worse than for someone to be playing with my child's already fragile emotional well-being. This dude has been feeding my child a rack of lies lately and I decided to call him on it. Basically I told his tired behind that if the truth wasn't in him that he shouldn't say anything to my child.

This fool keeps telling peeps that I won't let him do this with "his" son, I won't let him do that and here it is that he hasn't even called my son not once in the 2 months that he has had his own phone. Mind you a phone that he pays for so he can supposedly talk to him. But every time I call him to inquire why he hasn't called my son, he's asking for my number to call me. Dude, you shouldn't smoke your own product, it's counterproductive...

So this Ninja going back and forth about what he ain't gots to do and ain't going to do because he happy with himself and I felt that old me about to do a Sherman Klump on me and I had to push her back down...way way way down. And I simply said,"I feel sorry for you, you missing out on something special. If you do call him, please don't lie to him."

I am just going to get my son's phone turned on myself. I have been taking care of him and will continue to do so. It's funny this dude has contributed $150 dollars (2 phone bills, 2 outfits) to my son in the last 4 1/2 years and he now thinks he has the right to walk around with his chest stuck out like he has done something. Pbbt, take that, maybe the mist will wash some of your 3 day old funk off.

Normally I would have been fuming all day. Fussing this Ninja out in my head. Today, I refused to let it go down that way. I went for a walk, got some pigeon legs and kept it moving. And found myself smiling because I had stayed in control.

So I pick up Chucky and Chucky B and they going at it. Whining. Fighting. More Whining. Wasting stuff on the floor. The entire shebang. Chucky really lays it on thick with the whining. He whined for 42 minutes straight about how he was sleepy and didn't want to do his homework. Normally, I would get so angry that I would whoop his tail and send him to bed, or just send him to bed, or start yelling at him. Today, I just chilled and stated calmly over and over again: You will go to bed, but not until you do your homework. If it takes until midnight, we will be here. If you go to sleep, I will pour water on you and wake you up and if I get to 10 and your pencil hasn't started moving you will be off the football team. Your first practice will be your last. (and he thought he wanted a new mommy before) That pencil got to moving. And guess what, since I didn't play into his madness...didn't lose my control...and even though this entire fiasco took over an hour, mentally and emotionally I wasn't drained because: I stayed in control and kept my cape on.

"I choose to accept this simple fact: The only person and thing I can control is myself. I have choices to make and I can choose to make ones that will enhance my life or I can choose ones that will lead to heartache and pain. Having control over one's actions is such a super power to have."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Getting My Front Row Right

So as I am going on this journey, or maybe I should call it a QUEST, makes it sound so much more intriguing....

So as I venture out on my QUEST with my noble Chucky, I am really in awe as things are falling into place and aligning themselves for me to take what is rightfully mine.

I am realizing that some of y'all have gots to go!

Some of y'all have been sitting down at Luv's table for quite too long. Sitting there eating my free food, sucking up all my cool air, drinking my FIRE sweet tea (don't mind the head swooning after you drink a cup, just lets you know you ain't got "SUGA" cuz if you did you would be in a coma by now), telling me how good it is every time I stick my head in, but as soon as I leave you throwing salt on me... Talking bout I think I am this, I think I am that, and my food ain't the shiznick (so why you still here)...kick rocks, DEUCES!

The more I see me, the more I see that I have let a lot of people into my personal space that should have NEVER been allowed there. I had been giving away front row tickets to my life to people who should have been outside the stadium searching for scalpers, trying to get in. I mean there are some people in my life who only love me when I am down, so I am going to shift them right on up to the nose bleed section so from their perspective, everything looks the same. And then of course there are those who don't love me at all and are just looking for something to gossip about or carry. To those, I say carry this: Luv not only sees her destination but she is closing in on it, fast...and if you ain't with her then she is dismissing you because she doesn't have time for small mindedness. And then there are those that were given Section 300 seats that deserve floor seats because they really do genuinely care and want what's best for me. (sorry, free popcorn?)

So, yeah, I am doing a whole lot of reorganizing over her: physically and mentally. I am snatching tickets and calling security cause as a lot of my Facebook friends just found out, some of y'all just don't make the cut. DELETE

So in preparation of taking Center Stage, I have been trying to get some things etched in stone with regards to how I am going to be from here until the next time I need to do an aboutface.

Date Night ~ I am trying to take myself and just myself out on a date, once a week. The only way I can get back to the basics of who I am and who I really want to be, is to spend some real quality time with me, without the crumbsnatchers around fighting for my attention.

Care and Upkeep ~ No it's not a front, I really look like I just rolled out of bed most of the times, because, um, I just rolled out of the bed. I have promised to put more effort into my upkeep for myself. To spruce things up. I said that even though I am a fan of the think bushy eye brows, that I would get a shape up at least once a month. I am also going to start back swimming and skating. I used to swim like a fish...stopped because I hate wet hair..guess that isn't really a problem any more. Skating, well, I have to wait for the doctor to clear me before I get my Roll Bounce back popping. I have been doing a half-way decent job with managing my new hair. If nothing else, I make sure it is not looking like sand paper.

I think I am ready to put RoughNeck persona to bed and send out my sophisticated representative. The problem I run into with this is that I have so many allergies. The only scent I can wear is Baby Powder. The only earrings I can wear has to be a high quality of gold. And my makeup skills are no where near on point. But I guess I can stop belching my name in public.

And I am really trying to decide what are the things I will need from my future mate versus the things that I want. I am working everyday to become a better person, for me. The more I let go and come to terms with the more I find that my long lost friend, the smile, shows up on my face.

"Time is a wasting. Time is precious. Time may spring forward and fall back, yet it never reverses. Seize not only the day, but the moment, the hour, the second because that is something you will never get back. Life is time, how much more of yours are you willing to waste?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Isn't She Lovely...

It's hard to believe that I went from this....(btw: this was my best makeup and hair day...only took me about 3hrs to get this look no and makeup just aren't my things)

This is what my hair looks like when wet....

I promise yall, it's my hair, not my head that's lumpy...

see look, there it goes again.. I know eventually I am gonna have to cut it, but right now I want to hang on to it.. I want to sport a mohawk but I am not sure what to use to lay my hair down.

I love it though...

I feel so free...

Lumps and all.

"Loving yourself unconditionally, that agope' love, doesn't come easy, doesn't happen overnight. It has to be nurtured, has to be cultivated, has to be worked on because it takes a whole lot of love to be able to see your imperfections, flaws and all the drama that comes with them and still look yourself straight and the eyes and say, 'I love me cause I am too fly,' and genuinely mean it."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

And the Cupcake AWARD Goes to....

ME!!!! Yay me...I am a winner. Take that devil, see you can't stop me...I am gonna continue to shine. Now watch me walk it out, walk it out, walk it out... okay, maybe I am going to just stick to the Cupid Shuffle but, know I am looking flyy! I was given this lovely, much appreciated award by Chic Mama, please check my overseas sistah out, she going through it, but her wit and that chocolate is keeping her head above waters.

So I am supposed to list 10 things that make me happy and pass the Award here it goes..

What Makes Love Happy:

10. Happy people
9. Hot Cocoa with marshmellows
8. Good Music...something about a real song, with a real beat with some real lyrics that will put a smile on my face... for the sake of the musically challenged... "crank that" ain't good music
7. Hot Fudge Brownie Sundaes with extra fudge and nuts... (don't hate me...gotta fed the fat girl inside or she will strangle me)
6. Seeing my child sleep with a smile on his face
5. Witnessing unconditional's something about that love thang between a man and a woman
4. Good sex... bump what you heard all sex ain't good and ain't worth talking about..even though I ain't partaking at the present moment... them memories still put a smile on this here girl's face
3. Good food.. lawd not only will it make me smile but it'll make me tap out a tune with my feet as well. and baking...
2. watching the looks on my haters' faces when they see that I may have been down but I wasn't out.
1. God, cuz he is so so so so awesome

And the Cupcake Award Now goes to:

Giving More, Taking Less
These Words I Type

sorry can't link acting crazy

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It's Not My Fault....


I have to stop blaming myself for the things that I did not have control over and even the things that I thought I did have control over. I have to stop blaming myself and stop hating myself. It is not my fault! I was just a child fighting to be heard, fighting to be seen, fighting to belong, fighting to be loved.

It is not my fault that my parents could not and did not love me. It's not my fault that my mother wanted to abort me and actually told me that she wished she had. Newsflash, I wish she had too, but she didn't so now what?!?

It's not my fault that I was raped! It's not my fault that my babies died. It's not my fault that I have lived from paycheck to paycheck and my income wasn't suitable for my child to go to a good school, a school where he would have been cherished and encouraged, and developed socially without all of the aggression, and most likely protected. It's not my fault that he was sexually assaulted. It's not my fault that I could not be there to protect him or to go oops upside that lil' boy's head.

It's not my fault that the one consistent guy in my child's life got a job in NYC and had to move away. It's not my fault that my child's sperm donor is still so stuck on trying to sniff my drawls that he is missing out on actually getting to know first hand what happens when old man retard DNA meets top shelf DNA like mine.

It's not my fault that I am so scared of affection and of being loved in an intimate relationship that I keep letting loser after loser after loser into my life. It's not my fault that I feel more comfortable with gutting you like a fish than giving you a hug.

It's not my fault that my mother allowed her own mother and sister to disrespect and belittle me simply because of my color.

It's not my fault that my father abused me physically and emotionally and thus turning me into the aggressive, I-will -put-my-foot-through-your-nose-and-have-it come -out-your-behind-if- you-step-to-me-wrong type of girl.

It's not my fault that people have failed to clearly see me......
But, it will be my fault if I continue to choose to play the powerless victim. I am a blessing. Made in God's image. I am unbreakable and unstoppable when I choose to be so. So those who choose to love me less than or not love me at all, can kick rocks, deuces, because I am too fly to continue to let them have power over me.

"This journey has been hard on me...this journey has been long...this journey is forcing me to see the blessing in being me. They say nothing worth having comes to you easily; therefore, I know that when this journey of self-love is finally over that it will have been well worth the struggle and the wait."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do