Sunday, January 31, 2010

Thursday's Therapy ~ This Lil Heart of Mine


So my heart is too big for my body, my feelings, my emotions, and for my love.

(at this time)

I'm a creature of habit. If it has worked nine times for me, why not go with it on the tenth try? So for as long as I can remember, I have been putting the weight of the world on my back ~ be it cousins, aunts, siblings, homies, or random peeps on the street. I want need to help people. It's in my DNA .

This is why when I saw the Secret Lives of Bees that I instantly saw myself as May. (I think her name was May) She had such a heighten sense of feelings. She saw and felt things that were hidden in the depths of people ~ things people guarded with their every breath and kept tucked tightly in their hearts. And like her, I am affected. And sometimes it consumes me. But I don't think a weeping wall would help me.

Emotionally I am drained.

The fuel light has been on for some time now. I've seen it, those in the back seat have seen it and well we have ignored it thinking that if we don't make it to a refuel station that it's enough of us to push. I can't help that my heart has this 'Never Say Die' mantra embedded in its walls. So, I have been pushing on, bypassing all the exit ramps and all the signals that this vehicle was gonna need roadside assistance soon. I can't help it that I want to help, even at times to my own detriment. My conscience bothers me when I don't help and I know I should...that I should at least try. I mean the world we live in is so heartless, so cold and I don't want to look up one day and find that I have joined the ranks.

I remember watching Katrina on T.V. I remember crying and not being able to remove myself from the tube. I remember being so affected that I packed up all of my food and water and was about to load up my child and my car and drive the 21 hours to Louisiana. I remember my child asking me, "What are we going to eat after you give all of our food away? Where are we gonna sleep when we get down there cuz I don't want to stay in the building where they killing and fighting people." It was then that I realized that caring is expensive.

When you care it costs you...Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, and Financially. I cannot afford to care.

(at this time)

If I didn't care about my child, I would have been in Louisiana, winging it, without a second thought. If I didn't care about humans as a whole, I wouldn't have attempted to deplete all of my resources just so that they could have something. I mean it wasn't much, but it was something. Something that perhaps would have resparked their faith, their hope.

I think about my newfound situation ~ the timing was definitely off for bringing Dennis the Menace's counterpart into my fold. I mean my child and I were already dealing with some unusually challenging issues and we really did not have any emotion left to embark on the emotional rollercoaster ride we were strapping up for.

My heart wouldn't have seen it any other way.

I figured that if I couldn't bear it, God would not allow for it to take place. I could not subject another child to the mental and emotional abuse of knowing that you are a burden or that you are unwanted. My child, well he needs to get over it because if something happens to me, someone is going to take him in...payback is a he bets to shape up.

So, I have all of these old emotions running through my body. They are so packed in there that there isn't any room really for any new emotions, new situations that my heart is taking on. Trust me when I tell you that my heart finds a cause everyday.

So for the past couple of days I have been going back and forth with CQP and Safeway (I know) trying to sort out, put a name, a face, some strings to my emotions. And well I am starting to believe that I really don't have any feelings/emotions. That most of the time I don't feel much. Feelings are really so over-rated. CQP is so lost and so off the mark about my feelings that well, I just humor him. I don't think it's healthy for you to show emotions with everyone or to let everyone into your circle. I am not trying to get a We Are the World panel going on, I am just trying to be more balanced when it comes to my emotions and private thoughts.

Maybe I don't have any emotions left. I mean, shouldn't I still be mad at Safeway? Should I be looking forward to his now very frequent phone calls? Something tells me that I am setting him up for a big fall (reread that I am a creature of habit...and get back has ALWAYS been high on my list). I mean when he talks, I pick up my rake and shovel...don't want none of the crap getting on me. I'm allergic to manure.

But what is it about me and hurt? Why do I hold on to it? Guard it with my life? Why do I continue to allow it to have a say in my life? Why can't I fully let go and let God? Why do I have to make sure people get what's coming to them? Why, Why, Why?

Well while I was trying to make heads or tails out of the madness, I came across this statement in Rolling Out newspaper: "We harbor the hurt, in order to cultivate and justify the resentment and animosity against others." How true is that? The longer I dwell on the hurt and pain that this fool has caused me, the more validated I feel in prepping to smash his heart into a gazillion pieces. But, when I don't think about the hurt and think about how much I have learned from our interactions, I feel grateful for being one of his fools and don't hate him at all and don't wish him any ill. BUT, it's so much better to plot and plan his demise. But is it worth it?

"If I could, I would love the entire world. I would feed and clothe them and invite them in from the cold...but what will that leave me. If I give all that I have to offer, all of the time, how long will I have anything to offer? Caring is sharing, but it's also expensive, and sometimes we have to give people rain checks."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Friday, January 29, 2010

My Guy

So it's becoming apparently obvious that it must be destined for me to get with a BIG guy because as of late a lot of really, really, big guys have been approaching me.

Now don't get me wrong, if that's what you like then I love it, for you. NOT ME, but for you? I mean have you seen me? Okay, some of you all haven't seen me, but for those of you that have, you know that me with a 6'3" 320 lb man is NOT a good look for me. I mean we won't be looking like a ten but people will be looking at us wondering how my lungs were holding up. I mean really, I have dated people heavier than me...Dirty was heavier than me and when he used to hug me or snuggle with me, it was like he was squeezing the life out of me.

I mean I remember on many occasions screaming, "get off me, I can't breathe." That's when I took to changing his diet. I wasn't trying to die from suffocation of a lover. "How did she die?" "I hugged her."

So today I went to the doctor's to get more test ran..I am sure my insurance is loving me. And there's this dude that has made it clear that he is really into me and well, I won't lie, I adore the attention, BUT not him. I mean the attraction level is zero partly because our bodies are not compatible. I am thick as I was told by several cuties today, but I ain't as thick as I would need to be to be able to deal with the likes of him. I mean he leaned on me and it felt like my ribs were cracking. Now don't get me wrong, he ain't sloppy looking and he ain't obese BUT he is too big for me. It would be like the old Monique getting with Snoop...she too big for him.

But just dealing with this guy on the limited basis that I do, has prompted me to think about what qualities and features do I want in my guy. And well I am really not sure. I thought I wanted an expressive guy, but this dude is always about to cry when he talking to me and telling me about how he so into me but his life ain't quite right. And I really want to tell him sometimes to MAN THE HECK UP, I mean I might get him a MAN DOWN shirt. So, I am going to list the qualities that I think I want in a guy and revisit this when I have more time to really process what I need from a guy and not just what I want.

What I need from him is:

Understanding, it's so simple as 1, 2, 3 (I couldn't resist)

But seriously, I need: Honesty, Loyalty, Trust, Love, Support, Tender Affection, Commitment, Good Sex (all sex is not good), Protection/Security, Friendship, Stability, Openness, Leadership

"As we grow and mature, we understand that what we want should not outweigh what we need."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

ps: Thursday Therapy is coming, I just didn't want to post it before the Quack was finished reading what he was supposed to be reading because I don't really want him to read my take on this session.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

If You Happy and You Know It

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, do the hoooooooooootdog. Let's do the hotdog again! I like that part, something about putting my hands on my hip and swerving my hips that perks me right up.

Things have been pretty hectic around these parts. Things are coming at me from all angles. It's like someone's thrown me in the ring with Iron Mike, I'm over here ducking, bobbing, and weaving, trying to get away from him, cuz if he hit me, I am sure Imma here Chris Tucker in my ear. And Mike looks hungry, he ain't going for an ear, he going for my sides.

But, I am still managing to smile. Actually, I am smiling a lot lately and it feels good. I feel so free.

I mean don't get me wrong, there are some days where I want to climb back in bed, pull the covers over my head and ask for a Do-OVER. But when I put things in perspective, whatever I am going through right now fails/pales in comparisons to what I have already come through. It's like already going through a tornado and then getting caught in a thunderstorm without an umbrella.

I am learning that I am responsible for my own happiness, regardless of the situation. And, I am actively choosing to find something everyday to smile about ~ even if it's just laughing at myself. But trust, as long as I got Chucky and Chucky's Bride in here acting like Tom and Jerry, I will always have something to laugh or smile about.

The more I sit on my hands still and let God direct my steps, the more at peace I am becoming. The more willing I am to stop and smell the roses and take it all in. Each day feels like a brand new day instead of one long low-budget movie.

"Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget to live in the moment--to enjoy what's right in front of us. Sometimes we miss out on happiness because we are so busy looking for it. Smile, enjoy life, it's the only one you've got."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches!!)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

This Child of Mine

Well it would seem that I have created a lil opinionated, self-expressive, stubborn monster.

So today I had to have the meeting with the Powers to Be at my child's school. He had been suspended for fighting his teacher, his vice principal, and his principal.

Did I mention that he is six and in the 1st grade? I mean Lawd Have Mercy what's a mama to do? to say? I mean at what point did he realize that this would not end up very well for him?

It's funny because when I called ICE and told him he said, "That is your child," and I am thinking what in the hamsammich is that supposed to mean....I ain't never been suspended from school for fighting my teacher and principals (notice, I did not say that I ain't never been suspended)

And when I told his Gams, she was like,"He a chip off the old block huh...he lil Mike Tyson...I bet they won't mess with him again." And once again I say, I was not a bad child. I was simply misunderstood and had they seen it my way things would had fared better for all involved. Hmph.

But the more I sat there and listened to his teacher explain the things that this lil boy does in class, the more I heard my inner voice saying,"Lawd, that is your child, he is like a miniature you." And well, that's not a bad thing but it's not a good thing either.

See, I ain't 6 and when I was six, I did as I was told whether I had an opinion on the matter or not. I may not like it but I did not always feel the need to express my disapproval with the situation right then and there. I was more of a planner. A get backer. I wasn't defiant (okay I was) but I wasn't disrespectful (okay sometimes but I was semi-grown). This lil boy here, if he feels that he has been wronged, he is going to plead his case until someone, anyone sees his point of view AND if no one sees it his way, he is not going to move on from the situation. He is going to emotional shut down.

So what am I to do? I mean in actuality, I created him to be exactly the way he is. I didn't treat him as if he was my property or an animal. I have always asked him what he thought about certain things and tried to train him to process things in a certain manner. However, I never really explained to him that just because I asked for his feelings on a certain matter, it didn't mean that I actually cared about what he was saying (does this sound harsh). I mean he is a child and I am an adult and frankly I do not want to hear feedback on everything I have told him to do. Do it and go tell your imaginary friends your gripes. Journal it. I don't care. But don't keep coming to tell me how you did not like that when I whooped you that I hurt your hand or that you don't think it's fair that you can't have water after a certain time because people need water to grow. I don't care!

It would appear that he has gotten my universal "I am not really listening to what you are saying but I do not want to be rude and tell you to put a sock in it nod" confused with my "I am listening and I care nod."

So I am sitting up in this meeting listening and I really want to reach over and shake his teacher. Now I know why this boy suddenly thinks our household is a democracy. She allows him to decide when he is going to participate in class or do his assignments. Hannah say what say what (I hate Disney Channel)! You allow a 6 year old mini-me decide when he is going to follow instructions? He is 6 with the thinkings of Pinky and the Brain. He wants to take over the world. He mastered the art of manipulation before he was 2 ( I kid you not). So when you stated to me that sometimes you think he is taking advantage of you, I say, "Um, you think?!?"

But the issue is this: We have a lil boy who is well advanced emotionally and even intellectually but socially he is a mess. How do we deal with him? How do we find a medium without crushing his thirst for knowledge and his assertiveness? I mean I want my child to think for himself and to be a leader not a follower BUT I also want my child to be obedient and do as he is told when he is told. Sounds like an oxymoron.

My child has watched me all of his life and well I do things quite differently. I have a gift for making it do what it do with what I have. He doesn't understand that everyone cannot go into Chucky Cheese with $5 bucks and a coupon with 5 kids and leave with everyone being fed and with a decent toy stuffed under their arms. He doesn't understand that when someone tells me something that I don't like or don't think is fair that I have earned the right to voice my opinions and give them my behind to kiss because I pay the bills (when I pay them) and the deed is in my name. He doesn't understand that at 6 he cannot freely voice his opinions with any and everyone. He doesn't understand that at 6, he cannot take matters into his own hand.

Yes, I have pushed my son and made him more independent than most 6 year-olds because well, I had to and because I wanted to. I am a single parent and I do not have time to be washing him up and dressing him until he is 10. I cannot cater to his every beck and call and even if I could, I would not. I do not want a Mama's Boy. I don't. I don't want to marry one and I do not want to raise one. I want to know that if I died right now that this boy can pretty much fend for himself. That he can count his money and see people for who they are...I don't want him believing everything people are throwing out at him...I want him questioning and researching what they are saying...BUT I want it done within reason.

I don't want him thinking that he has had a stellar day and therefore his teacher should have also picked him to go watch Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs and since she has evidently overlooked him that he is going to make it his business to go rectify the situation by walking out of class and going to watch the movie that he has already seen about 25 times. And then when he is approached about it, he gets all huffy and starts fighting them and tells them to move out of his way, get off of him cuz he is going home. And not processing it to the point to understand that he really doesn't want to be coming home to me after having that type of day.

So, they have decided to talk to CQP and develop a behavior plan for him. This should be good because CQP dotes on my child and thinks that even when he shows his entire behind that it is okay because he is a person and he has feelings and he has the right to express them. (smile) They are going to reward him for good behavior. Nice. Especially seeing that he is typically on Yellow (the highest mark you can receive for behavior) everyday. So he should be raking in the prizes...

I say they need to go ahead and scan my child's head and see if one of his wires have shorted out or something. Seriously, how does a behavioral plan work for someone who has behavioral issues once every 4 months or more? It's like putting a person who typically gets straight A's on an academic improvement plan after they flunk one test. It doesn't really address the issue(s).

Anywho, I don't think Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs is still on my child's must see list.

"Being a parent is hard work. Some days you will get it right and other days, well, you will wish your little bundle of joy had come with an instruction manual and an on and off switch. No matter how you feel, know tasing is never an option ; -) "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

This is Dedicated to YOU ~ ICE

In Case of an Emergency, who would you want me to call?

Who would you want to make the final decision about pulling the plug or consenting to some serious medical procedure?

Do you have someone that you know that you can depend on even in the thick of it?

Well my ICE/uncle is and has always been my go to guy. He is saved as ICE in all my phones and on all of my paperwork. I am 110% sure that my uncle will carry out all of my wishes...well he ain't gonna ride to ATL and kidnap T.I. and make him come stand bedside and sing to me, BUT, he will carry out all of my other wishes regardless of who's hemming and hawing about how they should be in charge or included.

I really, really, really appreciate my uncle being in my life because he doesn't have to be. He doesn't have to love me and he doesn't have to be there for me. True, he has known me since the womb BUT he ain't really my uncle. Well, not my blood uncle. But you can't tell me he ain't my uncle. He has loved me when I was good and loved me when I was bad. He has stood up to my dad and told him about himself when he was wrong.

He tells people that his gray hair is on account of me and well, he's probably right. There were times that I know I had him tossing and turning worrying if I was gonna get it right. Sometimes I did and well other times I just had to pray to do it better the following day. No matter the hour or the day, I can call him and talk to him about anything. It's kinda weird because he used to be my father's best friend but now he's mine. He knows me better than my father and mother combined. I talk to him about sex, about stress, about my ups and downs. I talk to him about my disappointments and my aspirations. I talk to him about everything under the sun because I know he ain't going to judge or leave me.

So ICE I want to thank you for being you because you truly are my......

and I love you so very much. You have always managed to be there for me, regardless of the cost or the strain. I really appreciate all that you have done for me. There were many days when I felt all alone and I would get a call from you and I knew that as long as I had you that I would always have someone rooting me on to continue to push through. It's something about not having to explain why I am the way that I already know. You have seen the things that I had to go through. You know that this really isn't my fight. You have watched me fall and get back up. You have watched me fall and stay there for awhile. You have watched me time and time again try to go against the grain and when I finally decide to do what's right, you are always there waiting with opening arms, lovingly trying to help me straighten the madness out.

I thank you for the popcorn, the prayers, and the good cheer. I thank you for loving God and leading by example. I thank you for never putting me down or giving up on me. I thank you for letting me just be when I needed to see for myself how awful things could be when I did them my way. I thank you for understanding that with somethings I just can't get right, but that I am trying...really really trying.

I love you. I know you are my uncle but you are more like my dad and if my knight in shining armor ever appears and put that ring on it, I hope you do me the honors of dancing the father/daughter dance.

"Family isn't determined by the blood that runs through our veins or by the "I Dos" spoken in the wind; it's determined by the feelings in one's heart and the actions this love prompts from within. Blood ain't always thicker than water, look again."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

What's A Gurl To Do?

I mean really? Do I continue being cordial with you because you are now concerned about me because I am sick? I mean really what do you expect me to do? Do you expect me to continue being nice and forget about the hell you have recently put me through? Did you think I was lying when I said that I was more your friend than you were mine? I mean really what's a girl to do when nothing I held sacred was sacred to you?

So you think I may be crushing on CQP or he on that's funny cuz I think he carries fairy dust and he thinks that I am a prime candidate for Saint E.

I mean how do I get pass the fact that I no longer trust anything you say or do? That my heart has moved on from you. Three years of pining and chasing after you...I have wasted so much time and well the rest may not even be mine to choose, but even if I could, why would I choose to spend it with you?

It's funny because we have had some really OPEN convos...convos that have amazed you...what you say, that you haven't heard me this calm and emotion free in a long time? I had to chuckle when you said this because everyone sees a different me...

I have been holding on to this hate for so long and now that I have finally decided to let this hatred go and live my life, everyone is taking notice. It's funny how many dudes are seriously trying to approach me. It's even funnier that I no longer care about how rejection is going to sound to their ears. I am shutting them down at hello and letting them know that I am working on me. I am dating me. I am seeing me and no, I do not have the time, space, nor the energy to deal with them.

But what about you? How should I proceed...I'm not really sure BUT I have been sitting still a lot lately listening to my soul and, well seeing that I no longer get butterflies when I talk to you and no longer have to change ; -), I think it's high time for me to excuse you from the table.

You are dismissed. You are the weakest link....Bye Bye

"Doesn't it feel good to be loved by me...Luv?"

~Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Friday, January 22, 2010

Coming Clean(er)

So the truth of the matter is, that I have shared a lot of things and it has been freeing, but I have not talked about the one thing that affects me the most.

I think I am embarrassed in denial mad that I let this go on for long without seeking treatment.

I suffer from PTSD.

Which often times have me feeling like this during the winter and spring months.

I am still unclear if I suffer from seasonal depression as well. But I do know that from October until May that I have a very hard time functioning outside of my little world inside of my head. I have made a lot of excuses, well not really excuses, but it seems that people are more comfortable hearing "stuff is going on" then "I am depressed and just can't deal with you or anything outside of the norm right now." And it doesn't help that during these months, typically things are going wrong that I cannot control or that are out of my control.

October ~ The month the twins were supposed to be born

November ~ At 5 months, Chucky stopped breathing and had to be raced to the hospital. He had something that had it gone untreated he would have died. For the next 4 years, every November would make the beginning of my child's hospital stays. He would spend weeks at a time in the hospital from November until April.

December ~ Usually I don't have no money, no food, no lights, no gas money (but I still look good and I still manage to smile cuz I just need to survive until tax return)

January ~ The rape

February ~ My child is usually in the hospital fighting for his life

April ~ First twin died

May ~ Second twin died

So, I think that I earned the right to be a little "touched" and up until recently, I had been managing pretty well. Actually I was even profiting off of my misfortunes.

I remember when I went to counselling for my little sister when I was younger and her therapist told me that I could be in therapy for the rest of my life and still never be right. I laughed at her and told her that when a real therapist told me that, I would take it to heart. I was 16.

My first year of undergrad, I practically missed because I slept most of it away. My roomie used to hold a mirror under my nose to see if I was alive. I thought I was just tired from working so many jobs and going to school full-time. My doctor told me that I was under a lot of stress...that I couldn't run from my troubles forever and that they were gaining on me.

The next couple of years I survived by getting paid for doing studies on people who had experienced a lot of stress throughout their life. They used to pay top dollars. I always would drop out right before the medication phase. I wasn't going to let anything alter my brain more than it already was. I remember the therapist telling me that I needed to get help soon...I needed to find a professional to talk to because I was on the brink of going into a deep depression. That I had already experienced more stress than a person 3xs my age and that it was only a matter of time before I would not be able to absorb anything else. I distinctly remember one of the doctors telling me that if I suffered another huge traumatic episode that it would probably shut me down. A couple of months later I was raped and probably 8-9 months after that I semi-shut down. And ever since, I have shut down during the months of October -April.

Well last year (2009) my cycle of chaos started early. It was in September that my child was sexually assaulted. And well, I have not quite been right since. He ain't been quite right either. In fact, he has been showing his natural brown behind every chance he thinks he is going to get. I took him the other day to try and get his brain scanned to see if something medically would prompt him to try and fight his teacher, his vice-principal and his principal cuz lawd knows he knew that I would possibly kill him dead once I found out. (I digress)

So my child's incident sent my PTSD into hypergear for a second or two, but now I am good. Not good in the sense that nothing is wrong, but good in the sense that I have not shut down. I have not retreated into my head. I have not ceased doing the things that I need to do. I stopped for a second taking the mail out of the box, but I got myself back on track to the delight of my mailman who told me that I was "showing off." It's a good thing too, I had a disconnect notice in there for my electricity. Can't have two crazy babies in the dark at the same time.

The fact that I am blogging right now is testament to my progress because if you check out my other blog, from 2005 until 2009, I did not have many postings from Nov-April. The fact that I am back to making sure I am seen as well as heard (have you seen my glitter Dorothy shoes? I gots to get some more cuz I have beyond dogged them) let's me know that I am changing. I am no longer trying to be cast as Ralph Ellison's leading character.

But nevertheless, this is something that I deal with and probably will battle with for the rest of my life? I don't know. Some days I do great and other days I feel like I am headed for the Humpty Dumpty break....I just want to bang my head against the wall and say, "Not another day, I can't take this," but inside I know that I can and that I will because it's what I do.

I just wonder if it would have gotten to this point if I would have seriously sought help sooner.

"I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. I have seen some things that have greatly affected me. That doesn't make me less than or even crazy. It just means that I just need to be handled with care, you know gently."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Thursday's Therapy ~ What Would I do?

"If I could suddenly feel?

And to know once again that what I feel is real..."

So it's becoming apparently obvious that CQP thinks that I am allergic to feelings and emotions. And I don't know what to do to make him understand that I have feelings and I show emotions, I just can't show them with him. I did give him some emotion the other know I had to up the anty since he was being all firm footed after reading my previous post. I mean I have never seen him so focus and determined on getting one of his questions answered. Usually I can distract him with some nonsense and be on my merry lil way. I mean he broke out his little dry erase markers and everything.

But on the bright side, I did score a run with my last assignment. Not a Homer but I at least brought it in. He felt my post was OPEN and DETAILED(not totally naked but more than a strip tease). Which confirmed my thinking, he is NOSY.

So back to these things we call feelings and emotions. I don't like feelings but I have them and I actually wear them on my sleeve. I just know how to mask them. I have been doing so since I was in kindergarten. I remember, I used to cry about everything. They talked about my shoes...I used to cry. They used to talk about my hair...I used to cry. They used to talk about my clothes...I used to cry. They talked about my color...I used to cry. They used to talk about my brothers and I used to beat them down. So I got to thinking. They messed with me more when I cried and left me alone when I beat them down. And well, from that day forwarded I decided to give out more beat downs and shed less tears. And you know what, it worked. People left me alone and I don't remember crying again until my uncle died.

Feelings or emotions make me feel uncomfortable...not in control. And I do not like not being in control. I don't feel safe when I cannot dictate my own fate, be it good or bad. Well let me backtrack... I express feelings when it comes to other people and even movies. I am a sucker for romantic movies like Love and Basketball and Like Water for Chocolate. I even cry every time I watch E.T. and the Last Holiday. I just cannot show or fully express my feelings when they pertain to me.

Maybe it's because I didn't come from a emotion expressing family. My family did not say I love you. They did not ask how was your day. They did not hug. They just gave orders. Hence the reason I probably like being in control. I do not do well with people in authoritative positions. This is probably why I don't like the Po-Pos. This is why the army had a hard time breaking me. (I broke them) I used to have a hard time hugging people. I used to not hug people at all and if they came up and embraced me, I would stiffen up. It was worse after the rape. Even with that, I remember my Ace was mad with me because I wasn't showing any emotions. He said I was walking around making plans like someone had stepped on my toe and not violated me in the worse possible way. And he was right but I was taught to....

Never Let Them See You Sweat.

So, I don't react outwardly. I just keep it all in until it's safe for me to let it out. And well, it's quite evident that I haven't felt safe in a long time because it doesn't seem like I have let much of anything out.

It's odd because I have been bothered by the fact that CQP bothers me and I can't really pinpoint why. I mean typically after I come to terms with something, I am good to go. So when I said it wasn't him it was that I was still at odds with doing therapy, it should have erased the barrier, but it didn't. And every time I pondered the question I could hear one of my besties dismissing me stating "you are too depressing, I can't be around you any more." I remember feeling crushed because she used to ask me what was going on with me and why I was so distant and why this and that...

Well, after that, I didn't share as much even if people seemed genuine when they asked. I didn't want to burden anyone or make anyone sad. Sometimes I feel like I am 2pac's twin and that the weight of the world is on my chin. I don't think anyone besides God can share my load. My life is not for the weak at heart. It drains me just thinking about it.

And as quiet as it is kept, I like CQP. I mean sure I have questioned his sexuality, his pedigree, and his credentials, But I really do like him. He a little shysty but he really wants to reach his highest potential. He cares and well I don't want to overwhelm him. Yeah it's his job but people can only take so much. And plus I don't think I am too comfortable with him sitting over there formulating opinions and making judgment calls on my actions. I would prefer for him to continue to formulate his opinions based on the limited knowledge he has acquired about me. (almost nothing)

(my signal going in and out..i will have to come back and edit)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

He May Not Give Me What I Want....

But He certainly gives me what I need.

(ain't he sexy...and yes I want him, but I know I don't need him...but ain't he sexy!)

So for the last two days I have been blogging and saving them as drafts because they are so muddled. And even though I try and walk away and come back to it, I still can't make the madness flow. And I think it's because I haven't dealt with this issue yet:

Counting my blessings.

People tell me all the time that I am going to be blessed for taking in Chucky's Bride and well I kind of snicker when they say it. In the back of my mind I be thinking, blessed or curse either way, it can't get any worse. But the reality of it is, it can. It can get much worse. We could have been in Haiti when that earthquake hit. Or in New Orleans when Katrina came. People could know just by looking at Chucky that he gots some issue instead of finding out when he opens his mouth.

The reality of it is: I am very blessed, extremely. Sometimes the blessing is simply that I was allowed to get up and make another go at a situation and possibly get it right that time. I think a lot of my frustration is that my blessings are not necessary what I wanted, had hoped for or even prayed for; nevertheless, they were always what I needed.

I didn't want, hope or pray for Chucky's Bride. She was literally dropped in my arms. BUT, I needed her. I probably need her right now more than she needs me. Think about it, before she came, I was wasting time pining over Safeway trying to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong and if the wrong could be right again. So God was like, you need something to love, you want something to love, you have been praying for someone to love you, well here, love this (This is why you have to sometimes be specific with your prayers). I also was forced to clean to get ready for her arrival. Something that was 10 years in the making.

I have learned so much about myself this month that she has been here. I really do not like children. But, I am good with them and good to them, even when I have to beat some sense into them. I have developed a lot of patience. And I do mean A Lot, that's the only reason I haven't printed up obituaries for Chucky and his Bride. But most importantly, I realize something that I had been taking for granted. That I am a great parent. I have done an excellent job with rearing my child. I mean he is a brat, but he is typically a well-adjusted, friendly, helpful, obedient, loving, BRAT.

I think back to how messed up my family was/is (um, ain't nothing changed but the name on the mail) I think back to how I used to envy my friends who had loving families, where people were proud to claim the other as their own. And I would sometimes daydream that my family was that way.... But even through those dark and unsure times, I always had my ICE. He has always been there for me, through thick and thin. He has loved me like one of his own children. He has picked me up when I was down. He has let me wallow in my sadness for a bit. He has loving me steered me back on course. He has always told me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to here. He has loved me, unconditionally. What a blessing. If it wasn't for him, I would most definitely be sliding down somebody's pole (and I wouldn't be on my way to put out a fire). But because I do not want to disappoint him, I try to get it right more than I get it wrong.

I always had someone willing to open up their home as a safe haven for me. It wasn't by mistake that I was blessed with so many friends that had loving families that welcomed me with open arms.

I think about how people in my building run out when they hear the tow truck pulling up in the AutoZone to make sure they are not getting towed. I don't have that worry. I have permission from the owner to park there, regardless of the time or the day. It's funny because I get special perks like this where ever I go. When I was in undergrad and was hungry and had no money to eat, the cafeteria lady and the restaurant lady always fed me and I never told them my situation. I mean Chucky's Bride came equipped (lol) with 8 outfits. Now she has about 30 and I did not have to spend a thing.

The last couple of days I have been extremely anxious because I need to get a voucher to pay for CsB's daycare. I don't have it right now to give out of my non-existent cash flow. Yesterday, I broke down and cried because every time I drop her off to this old lady, she hollas. And I would hate to have to break an old lady's bones, but I will. But when I went to get a voucher they told me I couldn't because I didn't have any paystubs (but I get paid, when I get paid, with personal checks) and then they told me because the courts didn't give her to me that I couldn't get a voucher. So I went to the courts to see what I could do. And well this guy he really didn't know what in the hamsammich he was talking about BUT his heart was in the right place. He wanted to help me help CsB. So he called around until he got me the information that I needed.

Today I went to the Welfare Office (my fav place) and they told me that everything that I had been told by their workers to get CsB on my case to even get a voucher was wrong. Then they told me that they did not know where the information was that I submitted. So, of course I am about to lose it...(okay, I did lose it... I went slam off up in there, but we gonna proceed as if I had remained calm...) and I am like look, I need to speak to someone who knows what is going on because I am tired of the runaround. I need to know what to do to get a voucher for this child. So, a supervisor comes and tell my person that he cannot put me at the back of the line after I had already been waited on and that I was going to be allowed to back date my application to when I came in weeks ago and was given erroneous info. BUT, I was going to need to bring in my birth certificate and my sister's birth certificate to prove that we were related. (um, you have a notarized document showing that we have the same name) I also need to get two letters from people that know me that can say the child stays with me ( you have a notarized letter stating she does and she ain't from here, and I am the only person she knows, who else she staying with). So now I was getting uptight because I don't know how or when I will be able to get my sister to send her BC. Turns out that her mother has a copy and is going to fax it to the people tonight and the two letters and my BC will be dropped off tonight as well.

So while I was worrying, God was working it out for me. He was blessing me. But had I taken matters into my own hands and went home and created one for her, I would have missed out on this blessing (I do not know how to create a BC nor would I had made one, but in my enraged state I may have tried to figure out how to make one).

"Just like a CsB, I want a lot of things, and get highly upset when I can't get what I want, but I am constantly learning that what I want is not always what I need and that God will give me what I need right when I need it, not when I kick, scream, holla, and beg for it."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Love Is.....

My nemesis.

It has been for a very long time.

I want to be theory. I mean I was designed to be loved. We all were. But, I don't want to be loved up close and personal.

I remember when I was in 1st grade and I told my teacher that when I got married that my husband was either going to have to have his own room or his own house. And well, I still kinda feel that way.

Maybe this stems from the dysfunction I had witnessed and subconsciously I just felt that it was better to love a person from a far...or have them love me from a distance. Maybe this is why I do so well with long distant relationships.

So, my last post most have struck a nerve with CQP because not only did Mr. Man change my homework but he came up with a semi-complex, multi-part question. And since I was gonna blog around this topic anyway, I will try and give him at least one of his answers. (lol)

What is love? I mean does anyone even know? I mean it has been used so much and by so many. I mean does Rihanna love Chris Brown? And he her? I mean they say love does not hurt...but by the looks of RiRi's face and the plummet of Breezy's record sales, we know this is not always the case.

I mean the world wants to stand up and say Chris didn't love her and vice versa...but what about my father? He beat my mother, and she him. Did they or do they love each other? And what about the man that cheats on his wife? Does Shaq love his wife? Or dare I even ask about Tiger? What about all the people shacking up too scared, too whatever to make it they really love each other if they secretly waiting for something or someone better?

They say Love never why do people get divorce, why do people walk away, why do so many people mistreat the one they claim they love?

Actions Speaks Louder than words for me, so you can say you love me, say you love me and even put it in a love song, BUT if your actions are telling me something different then that's what I am going to go with.

For me, love is simple even though I make it so complex. It's really about the little things, cuz anyone can get the big things right. It's about stepping in and picking up the pieces without me saying a word. It's a warm embrace when you know I've been out fighting against the world. It's you caring even after I tell you to stop. It's you remembering that if I ask, then I must need, and you doing it without any questions or any fuss. It's you respecting me enough never to diss me in public or behind my back. It's you supporting me when I am right and when I am wrong. It's you telling me and showing me that I am wrong when I believe that I am right. It's you standing beside me long after the crowds have left. It's you holding my hand when I am scared. It's you accepting me and all my flaws. It is you being a true blue fair weather friend. It's you pushing me when I am starting to slow and you throwing me on your back when I refuse to go another step. It's being there for the good, the bad, the ugly and all that falls inbetween. It is being real when all others are being fake. It's taking my 3 am phone calls without hesitating. It's listening to the same story and watching me go through the same madness until I am ready to move on. It's protecting me even when you know I don't need it. It's knowing that I am not perfect and not expecting me to be even when I try to be.

As quiet as it is kept, I love a lot of people. But, I don't let a lot of people love me.


Because I hate being disappointed. I hate being let down. I hate turning around in the rough times and finding that the only people that I can truly count on is me, myself and I. I hate finding out that people that I care and love and who I would do anything for are telling people that my child is an embarrassment because of how he was conceived. I hate finding out that people who appear to be concerned about what I am going through is secretly cheering for my demise. I hate giving my all to people who are just going to leave, or worse don't appreciate what I am giving. So instead of going through all the motions and EMOTIONS (hi CQP) to come up empty handed or with a broken heart, I just do without...(not really cuz I still allow the Faithful10, my ICE, and a couple others love me).

It's not that I think that I think my love is perfect or that others' love is flawed.... it's just that I know me. I know what I have to offer and why I offer it. I feel others' keeps me up nights tossing and turning. I hear what isn't said...I see what is needed and supply it...I see under the surface because I look with my heart and not my eyes. I have been this way since little. But I have been unloved since I was little.

Why would I expect anyone to love me when my parents didn't love me? When my grandmother didn't love me? When my aunt didn't love me? Why would I expect anyone to show me love(unconditional) when the very people who were supposed to nurture me, support me, protect me and love regardless of what I did, did not?

I remember when my father stopped loving me, it was when my uncle found me on my Grandma's porch (not my grandmother) with a couple, okay about ten of my classmates, both girls and boys, doing show and tale with our "privates." I remember all the names he called me...I was in 1st grade.

I don't think my mother ever loved me. She didn't even love herself. I think I reminded her too much of my father for her to try. I don't think she got over losing her father and being hated by her mother, my grandmother. I think she was too busy protecting my brother from my father. I think life just got in the way for her to realize that one day she was going to look up and it was going to be a little too late to start loving me. I attempted to stab my mother when I was 7. I choked her out when I was 11. I stopped talking to her when I was 18.

So I went through life sorting, sifting, searching, defining, redefining, and giving love but when it was presented to me, it scared me so I ran. Not like I ran and hid behind the garbage cans in the alley so that boy couldn't kiss me. Or hid under that car. But I ran nevertheless, which brought me here.

In the words of Indie ( I heart her so) I am ready for love. At least, my mind and body is...I am not too sure about my heart.

" We know that physical wounds heal with time because we see them... emotional wounds often run deep and stay open because we can't see them to give them the care and attention they need. I have been damaged but I am not damaged goods."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Friday, January 15, 2010


So I am starting to think that CQP (Hi Mr. Man) is a tad bit nosey. I mean since when did men care about DETAILS? I mean jeesh. If I say I am good. Trust that I am good. You don't need to know the details behind why I know that I know that I am good! Just accept that I am good and move on to another question that you know very well you are not going to get an answer to.

Now that my 6th grade tantrum is over, I will proceed.

Am I open, or am I closed? Is it that you feel that I am open because I never shared with you before? Is it that you feel that I am closed because you are used to getting so much more? I mean it all really boils down to your perception of me...of what you have seen...and what you see now.

The truth is, I have many layers. My girl AsIAm said I am just like Shrek...I am an onion. You peel off a layer only to find another, another, another, and still's like the layers and the tears are never ending.

So, there are days and things that I am very open about...depending on who you are. And there are days and things that I am very closed about. It's funny because I can come in contact with a complete stranger and tell them exactly how I felt when I was raped...when I watched my son die...when I realized that I had messed up a good thing; BUT I would not could not be that candid with some that I hold dear.

Why is that? Why is it that I can tell a complete stranger my deepest fear, my worse nightmare, my whatever, straight, no chaser and there are some in my circle that I have to give the G version to? Why is it that I double talk CQP? ( Yes, I am trying to help him reach his highest potential as a therapist, but it's a little deeper)

The answer is: I don't want to alter their reality of me. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to feel obligated to care more than they already do. I am not in the market for pity. I don't want to burden them. Some of them really just can't handle knowing that I have been through what I have been through. And I really am a very private person. Strangers typically don't care. They ain't going to lose no sleep over me. They not going to look at me with those pitiful eyes. And then there is CQP (who doesn't like being called a quack, lmbo).

What is my resistance with him? Well it's a lot of things and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just don't want to share. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable. Sometimes I just have to be difficult because it makes the time go faster and it forces him to come up with more stimulating questions. Less surface stuff. A lot of times it's a defense mechanism; I know he is not going to push me through the open door even if I was the one to open it. And sometimes I am just full of it.

See, all of what I have just written is honest, it's open, but it's also only surface stuff. It's fluff. And well I am at a point where fluff just ain't gonna cut it. The bottomline is: I am resistant with him because I am still resistant to the idea of therapy. Yeah I know that I wanted to do therapy and that I needed to do therapy but it's like wanting to learn how to swim and someone walks up from behind you and pushes you in the deep in. This whole thing has caught me off guard. But I won't stop therapy because I am racing against the clock and because I know that everything can't be on my timetable. And then he is overly concerned. I don't mind that he cares but it's like this, if I tell you that it doesn't bother me, then nine times out of ten, it doesn't bother me, regardless of how many other people it would bother.

There are a lot of things that I have not accepted or come to terms with but this is one thing that I accepted at a young age: I do not think, process, or function like a typical person, if I did, I would most likely be dead right now.

So CQP wants to know whether I am able to accept and/or love people that have hurt me, and leave them where they are in my life without going back to revisit them or the pain so that I can continue to grow. (I think this is what he asked me...I had to decipher through the Wonk Wonks)

My response: I am going to invest in a box of Q-tips for him cuz it's evident he ain't hearing me.

But, I guess his question becomes a valid one once you edit and shape it some.

Am I am able to expose, examine, accept and let go of the hurtful things, events and people in my life without secretly pining over or avoiding them so that I can achieve maximum progression (Now, doesn't that sound better)?

My new response: Yes and No.

I have been hurt by a lot of things and a lot of people. Some of that hurt runs deep. Some of that hurt I am not strong enough to face right now. Some of that hurt I have released. There are some things in my life that I can and will expose, examine, accept it for what it is and let it roll off my back and keep it moving. There are some things in my life that I have to tuck away and deal with on another day. A day when I can be completely honest and open with myself. See this quest is about me and what I want for me and from me. When I close my eyes for the final time, I want to leave with the satisfaction of knowing that I was true to myself and that I was honest with myself.

It has taken me 3 years after our "relationship" ended to realize the part that I played in mine and Safeway's cycle of back and forth. To realize that I was afraid to let go of him and of what we had because I was afraid that I would never experience that type of love again. To realize that I was destroying any chance that we might have of getting back together and having a really healthy and loving relationship because of that fear. To realize that I really needed to focus on myself and getting me right because I was not emotionally capable of being anyone's wife. To realize that I could not make him love me the way that I loved him. To realize that I could not erase his love for me or the fact that we have a history together simply because I was hurting and things were not going my way. To realize that Safeway could not be the man I needed him to be until he was the man he wanted to be. To realize that I would be okay and that it would be okay to let someone else love me, especially if that someone was me.

"Letting go doesn't make me makes me lighter so that I can soar and reach higher peaks."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Answers I Seek....

Are not in a fortune cookie.

Nor in a tarot card.

It's not inscribed in the palm of my hand.

Or written on my forehead.

For the answers I seek, I already know and have for some time now.

Knowledge has never been my problem. I have and will continue to read and pick the brains of those before me. Knowledge I have an abundance of...... So what pray tell is my problem?


What good is the knowledge if you won't apply it?!?!

So when I asked him if he loved her and he hesitated and said, "No." I already knew that he didn't but he was quickly falling. So when I asked him if he was still in love with me and he hesitated and said, "I don't know." I already knew that he was but that he had been slowly falling out when he stopped calling.

I've known what it took to be a "good" Christian all of my life but it took some 15 years for me to get it right.

I've known for some time what I needed to do to turn my life upside right and well I have hemmed and hawed and hawed and hemmed until I was blue in the face.

Today I mused about a lot of things I have been avoiding by searching for it's answer when deep down I knew I already knew the answer...I just didn't want to deal with the solution because it made me uncomfortable or afraid. The answer would force me to alter the way I had been doing things for the last decade, and in some cases longer.

Today I had a chat with a fella who I guess is crushing on me. He stated that he did not want to pursue anything with anyone right now because he is not the man that he wants to be (sounds familiar??); he said that he is still trying to heal himself: emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; he states he needs to do this in order to be the man his woman would want and need him to be.

And I had to stifle back a laugh. Not because what he said was funny but because what he said had exposed me. And it forced me to acknowledge the fact that I already knew: That Luv needed to fully love herself and get herself together before she would be able to be the woman her man would need her to be and until that time I would keep attracting men that were willing to try to love me but couldn't fully love me because they had not reconciled their issues yet.

The fella went on to say that if he attempted to try and start anything with me or anyone else that it would all be a lie because he knew he didn't have his stuff together and he would be fronting like he did to woo me.

I remember early on in mine in Safeway's actual relationship, pondering whether we were attracted to each other because we both thought we were ready for love and on the surface we were but deep down we were not. I remember thinking: If this is the real deal, you need to address some things before they blow up. Fast forward 3 years later and you got a Kaboom and a Kabam.

The same with my health, I knew that I had been neglecting myself and that there were certain things that I needed to do and stop doing and well now look at me, I am turning into the tinman.

I know that I can't expect people to love me if I do not love myself and proof that I love myself is by taking care of me: the emotional, spiritual, and physical me.

Evidence of my application: It's taking me 10 years but I finally talk things out with a semi-professional (hi CQP), it's taking me um I don't know how long, but I am resolved to let God guide my steps, and I have decided to cut out pork and beef and baking soda from my diet (shut up mcfly).

Results: Hmph, you will just have to try it for yourself to understand my new swag.

"Some answers we seek we will never find until we stop to look within. Knowledge is only power if we use it. Applying what we learn or what we know often times may be hard, it may hurt, or break someone's heart, but in the end, application is what separates the boys from the men...or in my case the girls from the grown women."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Monday, January 11, 2010

It's Time to Get My Grown Lady On

So for two days now, I have been trying to get on and purge my system of all the new negativity that it's collected.

But I wasn't able to because I could not get on the internet.....

Because I know pirate the know use any and all unsecured network I can find. On some days, I am very fortunate because I am able to use SamePlace's network. But most of the time SP's network isn't strong enough for me to use unless I'm up at the crack of dawn.....

You know, I also bootleg my cable so I can't get any movie channels....(but, I did report that I was getting free cable and Comcast just laughed at me)

I don't remember a lot about my last attempt at flexing my "permanent student" muscle, BUT, I do distinctly remember a convo I had with one of my Lifesavers.

"Hey, yo, you know I tried watching the Ultimate Hustla last night and couldn't."

"Really, why, is it that bad...I heard it was actually pretty decent."

"Becuz I already know the Ultimate Hustla...It wasn't nothing that they had to do that you ain't done...and done better with less resources. I don't know how you do what you do but you get your hustle on."

I'm sure Cherry meant what he said as a compliment but somehow his words stung. They hit me right in my gut. I don't know if it was because he was affluent and I was a floating. I just know that I walked away feeling a lot less bouncy.

Recently I was thinking about some of my older blog posts and thinking about how much I had much I had stayed the same in other areas...and just how different I was trying to become. Yeah, when I was speaking the Truthz and nothing but the Truthz, I was doing it from a different place. I was so hurt. I was so lost. I was so dismal. I know I said that Sum Tymes I Wanted to Cry, but in reality, it was all the time. But the funny thing was, I rarely did... I couldn't... I wouldn't.... I didn't know how to just let it all go.

I thought that if I cried that would be the end all to be all...that it would show defeat. Show that I was weak. Beaten. Down and out. But the reality was it didn't matter if I cried or not....just like it didn't matter that I hid my cannot escape life. It will find you.

So, I was here just thinking and refreshing and refreshing, hoping praying that I could get a signal, when it hit me.

It's time for me to grow the heck up.

It's time for me to get my grown lady on. And not just when I am flossing to go see Lutha (*tear*), a Tyler play, or some other event where I am able to push pass the madness and let my outter Diva show.

If I want a different outcome, I need to do things differently. Like I need to pay my bills on time. I need to get a reliable phone. I need to pay for internet. (lawd, yes, I said it..notice I did not say pay for cable, cuz I don't watch t.v. all like that). I need to stop trying to figure out how to make it on $0.15 (yes, a dime and a nickel) and start figuring out how to get that $1 to live on.

It's like that boot. Yeah, it serves it's purpose BUT it's not pretty to look at. And since it's already so dang ol' muddy, you are more apt to go out of your way to step in more mud then to avoid it. I mean, it's already dirty, why not.

Today I am turning in my moonshine license...taking my boots to the sink...laying my bootlegremedies to rest for I can't fully LUV myself if I am constantly dodging people and looking for hookups.

"Sometimes you gotta make it do what it do...but when this sometimes turns into all of the times, it may be time for you to do something differently. It's really true, change starts from within."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Friday, January 8, 2010

Just Spit It Out and Let's Be Done With It!!!

Lawd, I am soooo tired of going to these doctors appointments.

I mean if I am dying, just say so. I am a big girl, I can take it.

I mean today the Dr. said, "well if these lab reports are correct you have a serious degenerative disease that is accelerated, so we are going to repeat the test."

What in the hamsandwich? I ain't trying to repeat the test. I just want to know what I got and if it is life threatening, how long I got. And of all the tests that we could repeat, she wants me to get electrocuted again. I mean can't a sistah get a break?

They gonna drive a sistah to drink. And if I ain't got much time left, might as well smoke and get high. (j/k)

And then out of no where tonight, I just broke down and cry. Now, I don't think I looked as "handsome" as this young lady right here, but I am sure I was a sight.

I cried for everything and for nothing at all.

I cried because I was finally making progress.

Then I cried because i was like what if it's too little too late.

Then I cried cuz I hate Safeway....and becuz I wasted my love on him.

Then it was cuz I think this dude was trying to ask me out today and he seems to be a really nice guy BUT I don't think I would really try with him...I think I would just settle and be content if he loved me and my child. CUZ love is really over-rated when you get right down to it.

Then I was crying over my emotional child, Chucky who really wants to kill Chucky's Bride.

Then I was just crying cuz I couldn't feel my toes or my hands....

And just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. Kinda like the snow this morning.

There is so many things that I am doing that I want to see to it's completion...but if not, I can honestly say that I am so proud of the changes I have made thus far. I am so proud that I have not given up on myself. I am so proud that I know that love does exist and sometimes you may only get the love you need and deserve from the God above and from yourself.

"Never miss an opportunity to change for the better. It'll make an impact long after you are gone."

Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Admittance, Acceptance, Advancement

I am very disappointed in myself.

In my life.

In my decisions.

As long as I can remember, all I wanted to do was get as far away from home as I possibly could.

I wanted to go out into the world and start over - start fresh. I wanted to make me a new family - a real family so that I could stop borrowing my friends. (Hi Byrds, Regalados, Russells, Lawsons, Mitchells, Boultons, Wilsons, Tracys, Moses, Roberts, Tangs, Hamodehs) You know, one that was less dysfunctional than mine.

Now I know all families have their problems....BUT, there's still some loyalty, some affection, some love, some other feelings besides hate, sadness, misery and disconnect.

Yeah, leaving home was supposed to be my "get out of jail free card," my "do-over," my chance at happiness.

The thing about running is this~once you start, you may never stop. It's kinda like tellling a lie~ you gotta keep telling them to cover for the first one you told.

So, I left and never really looked back. Sure, I glanced over my shoulder, checked my rear-view to see if my Past was gaining on me ~ BUT, I never did an aboutface to assess the sort through the allow myself to heal or to breathe.

Fast forward 15 years later and guess what - those issues, situations, problems I was running from are staring at me from my driver's seat. They have been running ruining my life for some time now.


I watched my father beat my mother.

I watched my mother mace my father.

I watched my father abuse my siblings.

I watched my father abuse me.

I helped plot my father's death (my brother's have chicken livers for hearts which is the only reason that my father draws air today).


My father cheated on my mother several times.

Family members stole from our house on several ocassions.

My father cut the head off of my Incredible Hulk bank and took out over $2000 that he spent on booze ( money I had been saving...none of which came from him).


I saw the aftermath of my father being stabbed in his head by his brother.

I watched on numerous ocassions as my Grandmother pitted brother against brother, cousin against cousin, husband against wife.

My own mother set me up so that my father could confront me after I moved out to escape any further abuse by him.

How do you move on from all of that chaos, stress, dysfunction if you never come to terms with it?

You don't.

This is why inadvertantly I had allowed my Past to impact my present and shape my future. No longer.

Everyday I get up and take a sledgehammer to the walls around me. No time for babysteps...I've wasted enough time.

"In the shake of a quake, I will not fall, that's how strong my love is (A. Keys)....Love, through it, all things are possible for God is love. Sometimes when you are going through it, and through it, and through it, you tend to forget that you don't have to do it alone. God is always there, willing and able to handle any problem....Question is, will you let HIM?"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ Hills and Valleys

Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk ~ yeah that's the size of what I heard today talking to CQP. He was really blowing me with all the Safeway questions.

Do you think it was a hill or a valley when you contacted the girl (see So, Outta Pocket)?

I mean I have been in the Valley of Death for so long, shouldn't he be asking was it a pothole, or a pile of snow?

But it's fine cuz I am getting a helicopter ride out of here. I've already paid my fare and I know my destination....

Life is what you make it and I am determined to make the best of what I have left of my life. Typically when I say I am going to do something and I have total control over the situation, I am going to do it.

I added my brother as one of my fb friends. (yeah the one I haven't talked to or dealt with in ten years)

I talked to my other brother on the phone.

See, small changes, but it's progression nevertheless.

"Some things you aren't going to have an answer simply will have to chalk it up to "stuff happens."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

You Must Have Bumped Your Head

I mean for real. Because there is no other way to explain my child's behavior today.

This lil boy showed his entire behind. He had no shame and wasn't calling for "privacy." Today was his day to see QCP and well he was doing fine until we got there. I mean actually he had a wonderful day this morning. Got up and only took 45 minutes in the shower instead of an hour. He took all of his dirty clothes out with him cuz he remembered he wasn't at Jill Scott's house. He even hung up his rag and brushed his teeth without complaint.

I told him, "I am so proud of you. Your behavior is stellar. It's superb. It's excellent. Keep up the good work."

He went to school and got into a fight. I was even okay with this... see my child is a punk... and the kids pick on him cuz they know he not going to fight back. But he had had enough of this one lil boy and handled his business. I had already given his school notice that my child had the green light to put this particular boy on his back. My only problem with the situation was that when his teacher told him to stop, he did not. He actually went around her to try and further hammer into the boy's head that he was tired of him picking on him.

I told him, " I am not mad at you for defending yourself. I told you to put that lil boy on his back and you did just that. But, when your teacher tells you to stop, you are to do you understand?"

So we travel to the library to burn some time before his session. I tell him to do his homework and he begins to try and rationalize why he wasn't going to do it right then and there. (so he's wearing on my patience. ) He then begins to ignore me as I tell him to leave the girl alone and let her put the puzzle together by herself. He then has an emotional meltdown and tell me that I don't love him. I just love the girl. I don't love him because I told her good job for using the pot and not going in her diaper.. now if that ain't the biggest load of crap, I don't know what is.

So we travel to CQP's building and he is fine. He is playing with Chucky's Bride and being attentive to her. CQP comes out and he is still fine. CQP ask him if he has food in his lunchbox and if so what it is... he is still fine. CQP is about to eat and generously gives my child some of his food and tells him to give me his lunchbox because he is going to eat pasta. My child loses it.

I swear you would have thought he never had it. This child screamed at the top of his lungs. He stomped his feet. He jumped up and down. He tried to snatch the lunchbox from my hand. He tried to apply pressure to my arm to get it out of my hand. He unzipped the box after I zipped it. He then decided he was going to wander through the office building unaccompanied by an adult to show his frustration.

And I, I remained calm. Why? Because I did not have my belt or a good pair of shoes on. My time to shine would come later. I watched as he continued to show his tail. I just kept praying that when I laid hands on him that I did not kill him.

Most of his session was spent with him wandering the hallways shouting out demands. He finally stated that I loved Chucky's Bride more and did not love him.

I said, "I love you, I do not love your behavior or your actions."

The funny thing is when we left you would have thought I had taken a different child home. He laughed. He played. He tried to strike up multiple conversations with me. He helped out Chucky's Bride. He politely and correctly asked for his lunchbox (and if you think I gave it to him, um you really don't know me). He came home took off his clothes and proceeded to play.

I helped Chucky's Bride get ready for bed and then I came into his room and began to beat the devil out of him. That was the only explanation I could come up with as to why he had acted a fool. The devil must have taken over his body and I wasn't going to let him have him without a fight.

Afterwards, we did homework without incident.

I said, "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't discipline you. I would let you run amuck. But I ain't ready to bury you so I will continue to keep my foot up your butt."

Let's pray the Devil has moved on and regular Chucky is back tomorrow.

"They say bring a child up in the way in which to walk and he will never leave it. I refuse to be hugging on my child from a jail cell or scattering his ashes. I know my child is going through a lot; we all are. I refuse to allow him to believe that he has the green light to act out simply because he is going through things. He will not be taught to be broken."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)