"If I could suddenly feel?
And to know once again that what I feel is real..."
So it's becoming apparently obvious that CQP thinks that I am allergic to feelings and emotions. And I don't know what to do to make him understand that I have feelings and I show emotions, I just can't show them with him. I did give him some emotion the other day...you know I had to up the anty since he was being all firm footed after reading my previous post. I mean I have never seen him so focus and determined on getting one of his questions answered. Usually I can distract him with some nonsense and be on my merry lil way. I mean he broke out his little dry erase markers and everything.
But on the bright side, I did score a run with my last assignment. Not a Homer but I at least brought it in. He felt my post was OPEN and DETAILED(not totally naked but more than a strip tease). Which confirmed my thinking, he is NOSY.
So back to these things we call feelings and emotions. I don't like feelings but I have them and I actually wear them on my sleeve. I just know how to mask them. I have been doing so since I was in kindergarten. I remember, I used to cry about everything. They talked about my shoes...I used to cry. They used to talk about my hair...I used to cry. They used to talk about my clothes...I used to cry. They talked about my color...I used to cry. They used to talk about my brothers and I used to beat them down. So I got to thinking. They messed with me more when I cried and left me alone when I beat them down. And well, from that day forwarded I decided to give out more beat downs and shed less tears. And you know what, it worked. People left me alone and I don't remember crying again until my uncle died.
Feelings or emotions make me feel uncomfortable...not in control. And I do not like not being in control. I don't feel safe when I cannot dictate my own fate, be it good or bad. Well let me backtrack... I express feelings when it comes to other people and even movies. I am a sucker for romantic movies like Love and Basketball and Like Water for Chocolate. I even cry every time I watch E.T. and the Last Holiday. I just cannot show or fully express my feelings when they pertain to me.
Maybe it's because I didn't come from a emotion expressing family. My family did not say I love you. They did not ask how was your day. They did not hug. They just gave orders. Hence the reason I probably like being in control. I do not do well with people in authoritative positions. This is probably why I don't like the Po-Pos. This is why the army had a hard time breaking me. (I broke them) I used to have a hard time hugging people. I used to not hug people at all and if they came up and embraced me, I would stiffen up. It was worse after the rape. Even with that, I remember my Ace was mad with me because I wasn't showing any emotions. He said I was walking around making plans like someone had stepped on my toe and not violated me in the worse possible way. And he was right but I was taught to....
Never Let Them See You Sweat.
So, I don't react outwardly. I just keep it all in until it's safe for me to let it out. And well, it's quite evident that I haven't felt safe in a long time because it doesn't seem like I have let much of anything out.
It's odd because I have been bothered by the fact that CQP bothers me and I can't really pinpoint why. I mean typically after I come to terms with something, I am good to go. So when I said it wasn't him it was that I was still at odds with doing therapy, it should have erased the barrier, but it didn't. And every time I pondered the question I could hear one of my besties dismissing me stating "you are too depressing, I can't be around you any more." I remember feeling crushed because she used to ask me what was going on with me and why I was so distant and why this and that...
Well, after that, I didn't share as much even if people seemed genuine when they asked. I didn't want to burden anyone or make anyone sad. Sometimes I feel like I am 2pac's twin and that the weight of the world is on my chin. I don't think anyone besides God can share my load. My life is not for the weak at heart. It drains me just thinking about it.
And as quiet as it is kept, I like CQP. I mean sure I have questioned his sexuality, his pedigree, and his credentials, But I really do like him. He a little shysty but he really wants to reach his highest potential. He cares and well I don't want to overwhelm him. Yeah it's his job but people can only take so much. And plus I don't think I am too comfortable with him sitting over there formulating opinions and making judgment calls on my actions. I would prefer for him to continue to formulate his opinions based on the limited knowledge he has acquired about me. (almost nothing)
(my signal going in and out..i will have to come back and edit)