Saturday, January 2, 2010

Hope After Destruction

I want this.

No, I need this.

I need to get down to the niddity gritty of this LOVE/TRUST thing because I am headed toward self-destruction...headed toward self-destruction.

I am tired of this inward, outward battle of proving that I deserve to be loved only to don my Nike's when it appears to be headed my way.
I didn't ask to be beaten. I didn't ask to be made to feel less than. I didn't ask to be made fun of. I didn't ask to be here.....but I AM and it looks like I am not going anywhere anytime soon. So, it's time for me to expose the demons in my head. It's time for me to step from behind the veil and let the world see me in all of my glory.

This week is a very difficult week for me....This week used to be a very difficult week for me. This week will no longer impact my life to the point it cripples me and emotionally shuts me down. Ten years ago, I was raped during this week. It's funny, because until recently, every detail of the event was still etched into my brain, but today as I type this...the details are very hazy.

This week is also the week that I met with my family and learned that sometimes even the families you choose will turn around and bite you in the butt while stabbing you in the face. I don't think I ever got over the hurt and pain from finding out that people I had taken a chance on, that people I loved and shared so much of myself with were sitting up talking about me and my child. BACKSTABBERS...yall know the song.

So I am damaged; I am bruised, BUT I am restockable.

I still have worth, even with all my baggage, with all my heartaches and breaks, with all of my disappointments. And I had forgotten this....

I had been in the charge formation for so long ( you know, head slightly tilted forward, eyes slanted, shoulders squared, knees slightly bent and feet dug in) that I had forgotten that everything did not have to be a battle. That some things weren't worth fighting for....

They say that if you want different results that you have to do things differently. Well me just doing the quick battle line assessment of situations, devoting time to the things that appeared to be salvageable and not even bothering with those looking like they were about to flatline, has not worked for me. I have saved a lot of things that I should have let die and let perish things that still had life in them.

"Defeat is only final if you accept it. For the past ten years I have been wandering around the same valley, experiencing the same types of situations BECAUSE I refused to learn the lesson. I refused to accept that even though I was severely wounded that I had not been struck with a fatal blow...I still had life in me. That I still was capable of accomplishing the impossible dream even with all the trauma I had seen and experienced. Today, I rise, will you join me?"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (SMOOCHES)


  1. There you've said it do you feel?
    Really sorry, a big thing to try and 'get over'. But how can someone ever get over something like that? I'm so sorry your family are not being supportive. Thinking of you. XXX

  2. well actually, i never told my family i was raped. i am not that close to them. i feel free...or lighter... i don't know... i feel like a good change is about to come.. i am just trying to put myself in position to receive/accept it

    and I don't think i will ever get over it but i can learn to deal with it and resolve it so it doesn't have power over me