Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
I want what you want...
Some days I want it more than you...
And other days, not so much.
I want to be free!
Free from it all...
It's a reason I always smile when I go to Chele's blog. It's something about her tattoo that instantly reminds me what this journey is all about. Yes, it's about love. About Luv finding the love that
she needs I need to maintain a balanced outlook on life. But, it's about so much more.
It's about me turning back the hands of time, trying to correct some wrongs, trying to lick some wounds, and bury some bones once and for all.
It's about me releasing some things that I had been hanging on to like my life depended on me being able to whip out the fragments of my heart at a moment's notice to prove that it had been broken.
It's about me choosing to change my ways...not because someone else said that I should but because I had decided that it was time... because I had decided to look in the mirror, into the windows to my soul and see what was really there and not alter or change my perception to make the experience more comfortable for me, or for those around me.
It's about me coming to terms with my Past....Healing my Present...So that I can receive my Future.
It's about me stepping forward on faith and nothing else and knowing that when the last post has been posted for this here blog that I will know without looking back to previous posts that it had all been worth it.
It's about me redefining who I am based on who I want to be in the Present and not who I was destined to be in the Past.It's about love. That sweet, sweet feeling that will have you all knotted up when you think that you have pushed it away for the very last time and will have you smiling from ear to ear when you realize that it's come back to you stronger than ever.
It's about me peering into the faces of those that have hurt me, wronged me, deserted me, hated me, hated on me, used me and me not feeling obligated to feel anything but peace and joy. And possibly a lil pity because they are missing out on a good thing. Nope, a great thing. I am the best me there is....NO ONE can do what I do with what I do it with on a daily basis... I marvel at God's favor in my life and I am so thankful that I have realized how much He has blessed me before I closed my eyes for the last time.See, I used to focus on what I didn't have, what I couldn't afford, what I wanted to do instead of being content with what I did have, what I could afford and what I had done. I don't think I have made more than 20,000 in a year yet; nevertheless, I have visited over 15 countries and purchased my first piece of property before I turned 25.
It's about me being comfortable in my own skin regardless of how uncomfortable the current situation may be...it's about me never feeling I have to dim my light because it's outshining those around me. It's about me being proud of my accomplishments and of my success. It's about me realizing that I deserve every little bit of the pie that I get.It's about me feeling so secure in what I am bringing to the table that I don't even let the knuckleheads that ain't worthy of my time or my dime get a whiff of what I'm cooking with. It's about me knowing that I deserve the house, the fence, the garage, and the stay-at-home dad (I mean somebody gots to watch them kids)
It's simply about me doing me and doing the things that bring me joy.
So, when it's all said and done, I will have experienced so many blissful days that I won't even be able to remember what a bad day looked like, let along felt like.
"The ability to be me no matter the second, minute, nor hour is oh so freeing ~my freedom"
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
It's something about this place that just soothes my spirit and calms my soul... I love me some it..and it loves me
I was unstoppable, unmovable, unshakable.....
I was happy, confident, and determined
I soared freely in this CITY...
This City knows how to keep the fat girl living inside of me happy at all times.
This City kinda reminds me of me, it has two extremes: a bitter winter and a scorching summer
This City prepared me for greatness and it will always be my home
And they ain't never lied.....
CHITOWN HOMIES ARE THE CRAZIEST!!!!
"Sometimes holding on to the Past helps you remember that what once was, can be again..."
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
(yup I have finally found the challenge and decided to do it, but I am going to do it in reverse, only switching #1 with #30)
My name is LUV...it used to be Later4 LUV, but now that I am actively seeking love, I had to do a Common and drop the Later4.
I am transitioning, transforming, reinventing, tossing out, and making anew. I am defining who I am and what I am while silencing all the lil voices around me that are trying to deposit their two cents into my life without being asked.
I am really a lover...not a fighter, but I have had to fight all my life and in turn, bury my loving side. I am in the process of growing up that scared little girl that resides in me.
I am a writer a baker a cook a mother a sister a daughter an aunt I am the best friend a person could ask for I am a procrastinator I am a motivator I am an early bird I am a homebody I am a crier I am a hugger I am perfectly imperfect
I have been through a lot and that has shaped and defined my story, but now I am ready to start shaping and defining my own story.
"Circumstances and experiences are the results of choices, I made some poor choices which lead to some very unpleasant experiences and uncomfortable circumstances, my setbacks are the fuel that is launching this comeback ~choices"
Friday, August 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
People are always going to see things differently. I can't control that...and well, I am not going to worry about it. I can't. This isn't about them, they can't walk in my shoes. They can't give me that time back. They can't heal me. They can't make me whole. And sadly, they may never understand where I am coming from, or where I need to go.
I want to be free....I shall be free!
So, I contacted the RAPIST. It's so releasing to say those words. And to say them to the person that caused me to hate all men, women, children, living and non-living things...what a rush. Not like walking around the rim of "that big hole," but a rush nonetheless.
I really had nothing prepared....had no expectations outside of that I didn't want to run. I didn't want to shy away from whatever I was feeling in the moment. I wanted to know, without having to question over and over years from now, that I was okay with this. That I wasn't selling myself a wooden nickel. I mean if I am going to do this journey and revisit all the hurts, pains, truths, etc, I might as well do it 110% or there is no reason for me to do it.
When I said I was sick and tired of being in this rut and finding myself back in the same valley with the same bitter, never-want-to-see-anyone-get-ahead people, I meant it. I am tired of being handed the same test and receiving the same grade. I am READY for the next course.
So it has taken me 10 years to get the validation that I needed to be at peace with myself...but I have it. It wasn't so much in the words he spoke, because that joker needs some help. He needs God's mercy. He needs to pray that I NEVER stop walking with God. But it was something about him admitting that he raped me...something about him saying the words that caused the dams to my soul to erupt.
I knew I had been raped. I knew I had said, 'no.' I knew that he had heard me. I knew that I didn't lead him on. I knew that I didn't deserve to be treated like that....but there was this twinge of doubt. This spot of uncertainty...because why would someone be so cruel to me when I had never done anything to them. So, maybe I had consented and not realized it...maybe I just felt guilty about giving in and wanted to ease my conscience...maybe...I don't know...but the fact that my mind wasn't buying into the madness let me know that there was no maybe nothing!
Listening to this fool pluck at straws and trying to turn the tables and have me made to be the culprit was...I don't know... Most of the time I didn't even have any feelings. I was so detached and so in awe and so stuck on the fact that all this time I had been stuck and afraid and doubtful and so not myself for someone and something that was so not worth avoiding for ten years. I mean here it was this joker was telling me AFTER I told him that I had hated myself instead of him for ten years for allowing him to rape me that he had been thinking about me, wondering what happened to us, and now he was hoping that we could work on being something.
PAUSE...yeah you read right.
This fool went on and on about how he had a right to redeem himself....to work things out... to make amends...to make things right...and that I owed it to OUR dead son to give him that chance. That I was brought back into his life for a reason and he was willing to do whatever he could right now in the present to make it right...to restore our relationship. And after I laughed at him, he switched it and said that I was wrong because I messed with his brother. I was wrong that I kept it from him that I was pregnant with his child. That I was wrong for rolling in his shop and playing his face in front of his boys and then playing his face on the street the next day. That I had him thinking all these years that he was crazy.
I am thinking that this ninja should know without a doubt that he is 10 shakes pass crazy if he thinks I owed him anything beside a bullet to his head...either one.
I may never ever get complete closure but what I got is enough to let this wound finally close and heal properly. I have taken that scab off for the last time...and the tears that flowed the moment I disconnected the call let me know that I am more than okay...I am like Johnny 5; I Am Alive! The fact that I wanted and acknowledged that I wanted to be comforted by the human touch...human voice and not by baking soda let me know that I am ready to trust and ready to let all sorts of people in. The fact that I could not get in touch with anyone and that I still didn't "take to the box," let's me know that I am ready to release myself from that addiction. The fact that I did not shy away from what I felt or mince my words or take on any of the exchange of energy he was trying to throw at me, let me know that this growth that everyone is seeing isn't a fad. The fact that I got up this morning after only 2 hours of sleep with a smile on my face and a pep in my step, let's me know that I am finally free of that valley and I am anxiously awaiting my ascent to the top of the mountain cuz I have truly found my wings with this long overdue dose of FREEDOM.
"Sometimes you have to stand in the fire in order to put it out, suffering minor injuries, while saving your life."
Saturday, August 14, 2010
For almost 11 years now, I have been hating myself instead of hating you.
Hating you for all that you put me through.
Hating you for all that you took from me.
Hating you for what you made me become.
Hating you for being the dirt bag, slime bucket that you are.
But today, I want to thank you. Today, I have to thank you...it's only right. Because of you, I really know who I am and what I am made of.
I remember everything about that night; even after all the nights of me trying to erase it from my mind...trying to change the events...trying to make it so everything would be right...would be fine in my world. But things weren't fine. Things weren't right.....
I wasn't fine.
I wasn't right.
But, it wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. You did. You not only violated and betrayed me, but you destroyed my trust. And for the longest time, I thought you had broken me. That the me who I was, was dead and gone. And to a certain extent, that is true, cuz now I am stronger, I am wiser, I am standing, and I am here. And I am better than I was before.
I know without a doubt that God did not make me to be broken. I have faced the 'worse' thing that could happen to me, and I am still going. Yeah, it made me stumble, and I sat down on the ground, and I wanted to stay there...but God wouldn't let me...my journey was not done...I still had a story to tell....I still had a life to live.
But, I was still being me..still trying to sort out the blame..still trying to be in control...still trying to go through the motions like everything was okay...still refusing to release myself from the blame and shame that I owned that so rightfully belonged to you.
But no more.
I want to thank you for being the coward you were because I pray that after 11 years you have also grown. I want to thank you for taking away my fear of men that had been thrust upon almost as violently as the fear was taken away. I want to thank you, for had it not been for your sickness, I would never really know what type of person I really am...I also wouldn't have been prepared to handle my child's situation.
I am more than a victim.
I am more than a survivor.
I am the captain of my ship and I choose to sail on and focus on the silver lining and blue skies in front of me.
"Even in the midst of destruction, persecution, trials and tribulations, failures, and victimization one can find beauty and a reason to keep pushing, and not give in."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I think Tina said it best, "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"
I have been trying to blog but my internet connection keeps going down and every time it comes back up, something else is on my heart to blog about. So instead of blogging about my unmet emotional needs, I'm gonna talk about love and how this new fangle thing being categorized as love is driving peeps over the edge.
So today at work I was informed that Ms. Tasia had
Now I ain't judging her, I am feeling her. I have been there before. I have been so down and out and so head over heals for a piece of man that when I saw the trees without all the smoke, I was devastated...I was so emotionally and mentally drained from the relationship and everything that was going on in my life that I was just tired and was like death has to be better then this. It was like I couldn't win for trying. I was bad off if I did and bad off if I didn't.
I remember the first time I had the privilege to see Ms. Tasia live and got to meet her. It was at her final DC performance in the Color Purple. I remember how out of all the people reaching for her, she came up to me and embraced me. I remember our conversation...me asking her to drop another album because I was going through some things.. I told her last albums helped me get through some rough times...I told her that she needed to do another relationship song about leaving someone that ain't right for you but you steady wanting to go back. I remember telling her how pretty she was and asking how on earth she ever thought she was ugly.. I remember her smile and her eyes swelling up like mine. I remember her embracing me one last time before her bodyguards took her away. Then I told y'all how she song to
So it's safe to say that I feel a connection with her. Actually her performance of I Am Beautiful and I Am Here in the play is what moved me to start this journey of self-love, self-discovery, and self-worth. She has helped me in ways I will never be able to explain....helped me to see what love and beauty really is...
I have learned that love does not hurt, it does not hold grudges, it does not place on pedestals, it does not judge, it does not place blame, and it surely doesn't break hearts.
"Just because it looks like LOVE and feels like LOVE doesn't mean that it is LOVE. LOVE mends broken hearts and broken wings, allowing us to love and fly again."
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
So I stood at the edge of the hole...no not like these fools. I stood at an edge where if I stumbled, got woozy, tripped, or just plain on fainted, somebody, anybody could possibly have a chance of reaching over and saving me.
Well, let me tell you, when I got off that bus and stood at the edge and look out into the Grand Canyon, I was in awe...it was humbling...but then as I began to walk the path, I began to hear a voice in the back of my head tell me that I wasn't safe and that I should be scared... and with each step up the trail, it whispered that I should not only be scared but that I should be PETRIFIED... and well for a moment ( a good moment) I listened to this voice and I started feeling my legs get weak and I retreated off the path into the woods...guess what, this put me higher than when I was just walking the path...there was a point where I was actually on all four (praying nobody photographed me). And then it happened...
Girl the voice started screaming 'you gonna fall, your child gonna fall, everybody gonna fall, you not safe, go back' and Honey, let me tell you, I wanted to go back down the path, but that would mean, um literally going down the path and I figured going down would be worse than going up and plus I was already more than half the way to the next pit stop. I looked around and nobody, I mean nobody was falling. Not even the idiots that should have fell. You know the ones who had left the path to stand on the edge of the rocks and who were bouncing literally on the edge.
Well, it took me a second to convince myself to stand up, but I got back to standing on twos. I then told myself, outloud, "You can do this..You can overcome this...There is nothing to fear but fear itself." And then I took a step and another and another..and there were moments where I was a little shaky and moments where I had to stop and regather myself, but I was determined to finish what I had started. The more I talked to myself, the more I drowned out that little voice. And the more I drown it out, the less afraid I became. Sure, I was very uncomfortable being over 8,000 feet in the air on top of a big hole with no guard rails, but, I was no longer paralyzed by fear. There were even moments where I snuck a couple of peeps over the edge, and guess what?
I am Still Standing and still moving forward!
"Sometimes we have to experience brief uncomfortableness to free ourselves from a lifetime of fear and pain....pushing through and pushing forward and loving it."