Sunday, August 29, 2010
From Strip Tease to Butterball...
Yup, Butterball Naked.. cuz I'm so Juicy I can't stand myself...(lol)
So you asked a question...and well you've asked this question a time or two before...I'm starting to think you are on to me...either that or you don't like my answers...hmm, either way I am gonna answer this question for the last time.
That's right, I'm gonna stop flashing you and disrobe already.
I know it shouldn't matter...that you shouldn't matter...but it does and you do. Not really in the grand scheme of things but for right now...in this here moment...it's critical that I see things as they are and not as
they should I want them to be.
I know that my perception has been tainted and my heart has been harden. I know the spectacles I peer out of have been smudged by the filth I have encounter throughout my short life. I know that my experience is not common nor is it extraordinary. I know that I am like a faucet: hot and cold....but with the right mixture I can be warm. I can be balanced. I can find that middle ground that allows me to still love while being guarded enough to protect myself from those scumbags that are lurking, lying in wait, hoping, praying that I slip up...that I forget what dangers are out there waiting to devour me.
The problem with viewing the world through dirty glasses is that everything you look at becomes distorted...even you.
So when I looked in the mirror, a lot of what I saw
wasn't really there shouldn't have been there. But because of where I had been, what I had been through, what I had seen, heard, felt...it was there...and it wasn't a pretty sight. It was hard to take in, so much so that I stopped looking. I covered mirrors, I avoided looking into anything that would show my reflection...it got to a point that I just walked with my head hung low or my eyes diverted downward...found a lot of loose change this way and also made friends with others in the same predicament.
The thing about hanging out with people who think and see things the way you do when you are down and out is this: advancement out of your rut is almost impossible. Everyone is just as disillusioned as you are.
So it matters because in my mind, you have on rosy colored glasses. You see things as half full (it really doesn't matter) and think every situation can potentially be a good situation. So, if you saw me the way that I initially saw myself then that would have been a devastating blow to my blueprint of advancement...to my growth...and yes, to my ego. (cuz I got a big ego)
If you thought I was ugly, worthless, a bad parent or unlovable I don't think I would have proceeded with my journey or tried as hard as I did to make great strides. I was counting on you to show me my true colors...to wipe away all the semi-permanent debris that had attached itself to my lens.
I was counting on you to tell me that my light was out and not only suggest that I turn it back on but for you to make me turn it to highbeams. (I shouldda did my background check in the beginning and not on the tail end...that would have saved me a whole lot of waiting and counting on)
So to put it plainly: I wanted to see the me that you saw because the visions stored in my head had to go, so what you thought, what you saw and what you said, mattered a great deal
"Birds of a feather flock together, just be careful that you aren't an eagle flying with pigeons."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)