Monday, December 27, 2010

2010..what a year, what a year

what a mighty good year..(yup reverse psychology)

I really can't complain cuz some of us not even here today that were here just a day, hour, minute, second ago.. so I am doing better than them even with all my troubles. (Still can't believe Teena Marie is gone)

But honestly, when I look back over this year and think about what I set out to accomplish, I am proud. I can honestly say that this is the first year that I didn't let depression consume me. I didn't let all those things I keep tucked in the back of the closet control me. I didn't let rejection keep me from trying again. I didn't let foolish people change me. I didn't let my insecurities and my issues with myself spread hatred to anyone else. I am who I am..and I AM HERE!

I haven't even had the time to go over my blog titles to just understand the magnitude of what I have accomplished this year..but here are the things that I remember...that probably had the most impact:

I survived a year of being a single mother of 2 kids. It wasn't easy but it's getting easier. Each day I am learning to trust others cuz I need all the help I can get with Chucky's Bride. I am learning to accept help from those willing to help. Pride was never a factor, it's just that everyone trying to perform a good deed, not doing it from their hearts. But that's their problem, not mine.

I survived a year of helping my child get through the experience of being sexually assaulted. And while I would never want to go through something like that again, we are better for it. Up until that point I was just really dragging my child along with me as I tried to make things happen. I was always too tired, too on my grind to really have face time with him. Now, I make time for him to snuggle with me even though I am still not comfortable with the touchy feely stuff.....

post interrupted let's fastfoward

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

It Doesn't Even Matter.....

Whether the box is big or small...

If it's one or two....

A blessing is a blessing...and these right here are my blessings. They may not be what I have dreamed about or what I want, but they are mine and I cherish them.

Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting in my head because I have been too tired to write anything down. My brain won't slow down or speed up, it's just stuck on auto-pilot. I have been dealing with puke and crap for what 3, 4 weeks now? We have been passing this nasty lil stomach bug back and forth and I am absolutely sick of it.

So one day I was in my car and I was close to tears cuz well, things are coming at me fast and all I can do on a good day is find the humor in it and do my best to push through it. My son's adoptive dad, my classmate, is getting married, and while I am ELATED for him, I am a tadbit hurt cuz I had to hear about it via the gossipline. I would have loved to hear it from him especially seeing I had recently talked to him. My child didn't take the news that well...actually he had a mental, emotional, i don't know what it was, breakdown. He started crying and everything talking about how his Uncle not going to have time or space or room in his heart to love him any more. It was while I was holding back my tears, and wiping away his tears that it dawn on me, God had already worked this situation out.

A couple of months ago, one of my co-workers told me that her hubby wanted to be my child's know kinda play "family" with my child.. you know try parenting on for size.. and well I didn't mind because I need all the semi-free time I can get..(i don't get these types of requests for my niece) So, even though my child probably won't get as much, or maybe any more face time with his "Unc" he'd already been blessed with someone to kinda fill the void.

Then there is the issue about not having a support system in place for my niece. I mean my son, he gots peeps who are dying to keep's no problem unloading him when I really need to..but her, yeah, that a whole notha' as I was getting down about thinking I would never have any more ME TIME, I realized that when I wasn't looking, I had gained a small circle of helping hands for her too. I have 2 people who are always willing to help me out with her so now I have to trust that they will be able to handle her and receive my blessing.

My job is about to end. And well, I don't really have a back up plan....I have a lot of business plans and great ideas floating through my head, but nothing concrete. Well, I have a cake business and lately, I have been pushing it, and people have been receiving it. If all goes well, I can live off selling a couple cakes a week and I even have a restaurant looking at selling my sweets on a regular...

YUP, All the time He is good.

"Sometimes we get frustrated because we believe this person and that person should help us; however, the sooner we realize that no one has to help us and that less than that wants to help us, the faster we will recognize those that are helping us and appreciate that they are a true blessing."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Monday, December 6, 2010

Just When I thought I Was Home Free

I went and hit a line drive right to the out-fielder...well actually it felt more like a foul ball.

I have been acting up over here....putting things in jeopardy that I hold dear. Gots my PIC all wound up and worried. Got the heathen ministering to the somewhat saint (snicker). I know my temptations and so does that DEVIL and lately it seems like my temptation falls into the category of 23yr old men....

Lawd help me....

Not sure why I never completed this one yeah body like whoa...them young boys are really something to look at..

"You can only be tempted by what you desire and it looks like I desire something still wet behind the ears."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Looking Up...

Trying to determine if and when it's gonna stop unloading on me.

So I got extended from September 30th to December 31st at work. On Sept 30th I went to the hospital presenting like I was going to have a heart attack. My pressure was way high. I think it was like 140/82 or something like that. My pressure is normally low. The bottom number is normally like 65.

I missed a week of pay. I was gonna use my week of bedrest to clean my house but instead I had to deal with whiny kids whining about things that didn't concern me. I felt bad because it got to a point where I would simply state to them, "I don't care." And as a parent and an aunt, I guess I should pretend to care even if I really don't.

On September 7th I drove my niece to Chicago so she could be with her Granny that she was crying for and so that her Granny could put her money where her gangsta texts were. I used up my rainy day play money to get her there. On Sept 10th, I made it back East and planned on resting up a lil before I headed back to work, plus my knee looked like a watermelon. On Sept 10th, that night is when I found out my niece was going to be sold or given to a stranger. On Sept 11th, I was back on the road, this time I had to driving 5 hours past Chicago to get my niece from a total not her mama. Someone I had met on Twitter had agreed to secure my niece until I got there and for that I am forever grateful. It's funny how majority of my biological family came up with all kinds of excuses of why they couldn't help me rescue their family member and this complete stranger was like, "tell me what you need me to do." The young lady that rode with me to get my niece was really just an acquaintance up until then...yeah, we went to law school together but we weren't really friends...I don't even think we really cared for each other at all. Yet, when I Facebooked that I needed a rider to the Chi' she responded and she drove the 1st 12hours so that I could get some rest. She did what many who claim to have my back, wouldn't.

So since returning, I have been fighting this demon and that demon. Running here and running there. All the while knowing in the back of my mind that I am working on borrowed time. Time is running out even though it feels like it's standing still. December 31st is coming. A new year is about to break and well, I am in a different space but it looks and feel like I am still standing in the same place. I spent up all my rainy day money and savings, saving a child that isn't mind. Ironic or satirical?

I am playing catch up in a race that I am feeling is not mine to run. I keep telling myself that God wouldn't have made a way for me to get her only to have me not be able to take care of her. And I am definitely not going to let my child go without shelter, food and water. If I gots to go cop me some Cindahooka shoes, so be it. I figured I wouldn't be the first person to fall off the pole.

So I am starting an organization, but every time I am supposed to meet with my advisor, something comes up: 105 fever, hives, grown-up threatening my child, diarrhea, no sitter, etc... I am also in the process of marketing and pushing my cake business, please check out my page Tweet's Sweets on Facebook and follow me on Twitter: Tweets_Sweets_ (ps. my Sweets don't just look good, they taste good too)

I gots my Husl'a hat on but honestly, my heart and mind's not feeling this street corner grind any more. I know that change is gonna come. I know that I have to be the change I want to see. I know that that I need to stay focused and prayful. I know that if I believe it, that I can achieve it. I know all of this...but I still don't like it.

My soul wants to quit but my body will continue to PUSH until my last breath has been gasped...

"Pray Until Something Happens...that's all we can do when we are faced with unrelenting adversity, frustration, persecution, trials, and turmoil...forward movement is still progress even if it's a turtle's pace."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

What the F

Fungus, Feces, Foul Smells.... I hate them all!

And I am dealing with them, have been dealing with them for a minute now.. .okay I am lying, I ain't dealing with them, that's the problem. I can't stand fungus and Chucky can't seem to get that in his head. Or is it out of his head cuz he has a lot of fungus in his head! This infestation of ringworm on his body is killing me slowly. He didn't want to listen to me about the nasty lil football helmet so the ringworms we had just gotten rid of came back. Now this child has managed to get them nasty suckers on his back. I guess he believes me now that if he touches it and touches some place else they will spread. I don't do fungus, but I do do bleach. And so think and say what you want, after pouring capfulls of bleach down his back for 3 days them suckers disappeared never to return again. But the hair, well that's not so easy. I tried the bleach, and I am sure it would have eventually worked, but Chucky likes to move and well when the bleach almost went into his eyes, I figured it was time to just put him back on that nasty, liquid medicine. Can't have a blind, fungus boy walking around, now can we?

So while Chucky is walking around with bald patches, Chucky's Bride is pissing and crapping everywhere. I can't win for losing. I am telling you. I don't do feces. I changed my own child with gloves until I couldn't get them free any more and just like that he was potty-trained. So I'm not sure what's really going on with my niece. She had broken out in hives all over her body and then the next day she just started crapping on herself. It's loose so I am sure she has a virus of some sort but this mess has been going on for 2 weeks. She already out of at least 14 pairs of drawls cuz I don't do doodoo. I get them things off her the best way I can without them touching me and straight into the trash the go. Wash, what? I ain't touching them long enough to get them into a washer. And well she started wetting the bed probably the second week she was back from being snatch off the auction block. I can't take all of these foul smells. I have such a sensitive nose.

These things are slowly taking their toll on me. It's a good thing someone gave me a book today on Finding Peace: Letting Go and Letting it Stay There (at least I think that's what the title is..too lazy to go check)

"Sometimes it's the little things that will drive us to drink."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

When Time Stands Still

What do you do? Or I guess the better question is what can you do? You can't hurry it up, and perhaps you shouldn't try to cuz it may make matters worse...and well it's no turning back the hands, so.....

I have been MIA cuz time has been holding me in one place. A place of confusion, frustration and aggravation. A place of anger and distrust and helplessness. A place of feeling lost and all alone. A place that looked familiar but felt ohhh so different. A place that maybe can be is my crossroad, my turning point, my deciding factor of what is it going to be.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed and I am on high alert. Everything I am seeing, feeling, experiencing is almost like deja vu'... I have been here before...well not here, but a lot of the things I am combating, I have fought and battled before...who knows, maybe this is the same war from before...

I have my niece and well I have to get used to the idea that she is mine...or going to be mine...or as much as mine as I can claim cuz there is no one she knows to send her to. My mother, after all of her gangsta texts of what she could do and would do and how I was mistreating my niece because I wasn't giving her sugar folded like a bad poker hand when I drove my niece home to her. But instead of growing that lil jealous girl up and texting me and telling me she had made a mistake and that I had called her bluff, she drove my niece to her mother who had already made it abundantly clear that she didn't want her. (Still not sure what would allow a mother who ain't cracked out to pick and choose which child she gonna keep and love) So my sister made arrangements to sell???/give (not sure got it secondhand, and just like secondhand smoke, it's deadly) her to someone in Tennessee. My niece doesn't know anyone in Tennessee. She barely knew me when I got her...and though I tried to act nonchalant like I didn't care about what happened to her since she didn't come out my twat, I couldn't.

My child who had cheered when I came home to get him with a nieceless car, said, "Mommy, you have to go get her, a stranger will kill her cuz she is crazy." And he was right. I had to go get her cuz if you ain't used to dealing with a child of her magnitude you may black out and come to and find your hands around her neck.

So even though my legs were tired from just driving 12 hours there and 9 hours back to drop her, and I didn't have any leave, or any money, I got on FB and secured me a rider, then I got on Twitter and secured me a plan A and a plan B to get her cuz my sister told me that by Wednesday my niece would be gone forever and she was telling me this on Monday night, so we hopped in the car and drove the 31hrs round trip to get her, and now she's here, with me....

And as my child said, "she gonna be with us forever and ever..."

When we got back, my tire blew and all I could think was "this wasn't how my fairytale was supposed to play out, but things could be worse, my tire could have blown while we were balling through those mountains."

"When your plan doesn't match up with God's plan, He will certainly move things out of the way to get you back on track."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

To Be Continued......