Wednesday, December 1, 2010

When Time Stands Still

What do you do? Or I guess the better question is what can you do? You can't hurry it up, and perhaps you shouldn't try to cuz it may make matters worse...and well it's no turning back the hands, so.....

I have been MIA cuz time has been holding me in one place. A place of confusion, frustration and aggravation. A place of anger and distrust and helplessness. A place of feeling lost and all alone. A place that looked familiar but felt ohhh so different. A place that maybe can be is my crossroad, my turning point, my deciding factor of what is it going to be.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed and I am on high alert. Everything I am seeing, feeling, experiencing is almost like deja vu'... I have been here before...well not here, but a lot of the things I am combating, I have fought and battled before...who knows, maybe this is the same war from before...

I have my niece and well I have to get used to the idea that she is mine...or going to be mine...or as much as mine as I can claim cuz there is no one she knows to send her to. My mother, after all of her gangsta texts of what she could do and would do and how I was mistreating my niece because I wasn't giving her sugar folded like a bad poker hand when I drove my niece home to her. But instead of growing that lil jealous girl up and texting me and telling me she had made a mistake and that I had called her bluff, she drove my niece to her mother who had already made it abundantly clear that she didn't want her. (Still not sure what would allow a mother who ain't cracked out to pick and choose which child she gonna keep and love) So my sister made arrangements to sell???/give (not sure got it secondhand, and just like secondhand smoke, it's deadly) her to someone in Tennessee. My niece doesn't know anyone in Tennessee. She barely knew me when I got her...and though I tried to act nonchalant like I didn't care about what happened to her since she didn't come out my twat, I couldn't.

My child who had cheered when I came home to get him with a nieceless car, said, "Mommy, you have to go get her, a stranger will kill her cuz she is crazy." And he was right. I had to go get her cuz if you ain't used to dealing with a child of her magnitude you may black out and come to and find your hands around her neck.

So even though my legs were tired from just driving 12 hours there and 9 hours back to drop her, and I didn't have any leave, or any money, I got on FB and secured me a rider, then I got on Twitter and secured me a plan A and a plan B to get her cuz my sister told me that by Wednesday my niece would be gone forever and she was telling me this on Monday night, so we hopped in the car and drove the 31hrs round trip to get her, and now she's here, with me....

And as my child said, "she gonna be with us forever and ever..."

When we got back, my tire blew and all I could think was "this wasn't how my fairytale was supposed to play out, but things could be worse, my tire could have blown while we were balling through those mountains."

"When your plan doesn't match up with God's plan, He will certainly move things out of the way to get you back on track."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

To Be Continued......


  1. Wow! I know how hard it is to be inside of that kinda family drama...been there, done that.
    I hope all goes well for you and your niece.

  2. You are truly amazing. Better than me, that's for sure. I'm praying for you and your household. You are doing something wonderful for your niece. I hope you know that.

  3. thanks guys! deep down i know i am doing the right thing but while i am going thru the storm part of it, it doesn't feel good. i feel like a pouty kid who wants to know why do i have to be the responsible one all the time