My Inkings on my Soul

Dear Luv,

What a year we have had... with many ups and many downs but as always, with God's help you have made it through...not unscratched or unharmed but with more clarity and determination. Your growth has been amazing! You have really grabbed life by it's horns and said "looka here, I'm in this not to win it but to do more than just survive."

I am so proud of you. When the pain clouds your eyes, you don't allow it to darken your entire soul. You are making decisive choice instead of going with the flow and leaving things to chance. I applaud you for learning first hand all the good that used to be in you was not dead.

I know you feel bad about wanting and deciding to send Chucky's Bride back BUT you are an amazing woman and have done an amazing thing. You have taken care of someone else's child with no monetary assistance from them while making a little over $12 an hour, while paying a mortgage and taking care of your own child. There's no need to hold your head down low or feel bad..You are an amazing person and you have done something that many who share your own bloodline wouldn't and aren't going to do.

This year, the anniversary of the rape got you... it put you in a stupor but, it didn't stop you cuz if it had, you wouldn't be writing this #accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up over it. You may look and want to be perfect, but you are not. You are perfectly imperfect and that's okay..embrace it. There will be many other days that you fall short too. Keep pushing and keep moving out of your own way. You are doing great. You are on the right track. #giveyourselfaroundofapplause

So this year we need to work on financial stability and more self-improvement so we can "call" in the one.. and right now, the one looks so darn sexy, with such a pretty smile with well kept teeth....he has MSC's swag and Old Man Please attentive and kind spirit..he has a body like whoa and a heart like E, loving me with his entire being but loving God oh so much more. He has money like Tip ~ but not ill-ly got... and he loves me.... and he loves me... and he shows me each and everyday. He is so patient and kind... He loves me in the morning and loves me at night...He love me when I am super fly and when my face is balled up tight..He loves me when I am sick and scared and he loves me when I am healthy and daring..he loves me and he loves me right. Yes this year, you are going to continue getting yourself together so you can "call" in the one...the one who will erase all the past hurt and pain.

I know it is hard...and it is rough but don't you give up, your breakthrough is near. So very near...keep close to God and HE will keep close to you...

so continue to sort, toss, replace and repeat....it will all make sense in the morning

"Letting go and making room for infinite positive possibilities... participating in life and enjoying the moments that can create possible long-lasting memories is growing while living, learning and loving."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Holding the Key .....

but giving away my heart.

What a different a year makes. It seems like a lifetime has past since I last inked my soul's cry on here. I have been writing and sorting in my head BUT most importantly, I have been living. Not living and going through the motions, but living and actually participating in the moments. I have been creating moments that allow for the memories that will last a lifetime.

I think my last straw ~ my last stand ~ my broken beyond repair point was when I cut off all of my hair. How liberating....how freeing and yes, how scary. I no longer had anything to hide behind, to shield me... I was naked and boy did I embrace it, define it, and LOVE it!!!!

To have as many heartbreaks as I have had...to suffer as much as I have...to endure and see as much as I have and yet to be able to love after all of it.....what a victory!

To go from not being able to stand more than 5 seconds in front of a mirror to being the mirror's biggest fan ~ what a blessing.

What a liberating blessing to be able to look at the reflection in the mirror, flaws and all and say "I love you and can't nothing you do or say change that cuz you are the best thing going," and mean it...each and every word.

Letting go of the hurt, of the Past, of the negativity, of the People that mean me ill, of the People that have served their purpose, of the fear, of the uncertainty, of the prejudices, of the darkness has been the hardest part. Useless Baggage that does nothing but weigh you down. We know this..I knew this but yet I humped it on my back religiously...why?!? did it validate my story, did it strengthen me...did it empower me...did it help me in anyway besides speeding along the process of me getting the handi-to-be crippled badge?

The more I let go, the more masks I got rid of...because the people that I did not trust got 'let go' out of my life so there was no need for me to hide my hurt and pain any more.

I am currently unemployed with two minor kids and a mortgage and car insurance and bills on top of bills and no steady money in sight BUT I haven't been this happy in awhile. I am so in love with myself that even life's setbacks can only get me so down. I fell in love with a guy who chose not to return my love and I am okay cuz I know it's him and not me... ain't nobody flyer than me ; )

I am a moving and a shaking and a shaking and a moving and getting out of my own way. I used to be so concerned about who held the key to my heart that I never really allowed myself the opportunity to open my heart to allow anyone to use the key..so what did it matter that they had the key?

Now I hold the key and give my heart, locking it and opening as need be. I am so in love with loving me.

"Letting go does not diminish or erase what we have gone through. It does not weaken or tarnish what we have accomplish. It simply makes more space for us to receive greater blessings and it allows us to love a little more."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Almost Full Bloom

i remember when one of my readers commented that even though i was smiling, my eyes were crying.. *well that's what she meant even if she didn't say it like that* and she was right.

my eyes could no longer mask the turmoil of my soul. my despair. my depression. my downward spiral. my silent cry for help.

i wore many masks to shield me from any more hurt and pain BUT the masks only kept my tears from falling cuz the hurt and pain kept coming

and coming

and coming....

there were times where i tried to will myself to eternal sleep... i was done. i had fought the fine fight.. i had lost and i was okay with defeat...i just wanted it to end. i didn't want any more...there was no more fight in me

or so i thought

i am the descendant of the best of the best of the best cuz the weaker ones perished on the ship

all my life i have had to fight

life for me aint been no crystal nor no hardwood stair

and well when i was at my breaking point i remembered that i was perfectly imperfect and that God didn't make me to be broken.

yes, i was tired BUT was i so tired that i would finally stop trying to do it my way?

i had tried it my way for years and it hadn't fared well for me

so i decided to give God another go...

you know to rely on faith and let HIM fight my battles

you know HE can move mountains

and well like my natural hair journey,

the initial process was rocky and downright scary,

but the more i let go, the more i began to find my comfort zone and my peace

the more i was able to shed my outer layers and let love in

and out.

my tears flow freely now and well i am ok with that cuz

when i smile now, my eyes smile too

"i planted a new seed and allowed God to water it, now i am sitting back and watching it grow'

Gotta luv moi, cuz i surely do~ Smooches

Luv's Life in words ~ day 28-31 REset

Luv came into this world right when the doctor said she would, quiet as a mute...she refuse to speak until she was one after that it was on and popping.. she spent most of her life making up for those 22 months of silence.

Luv was an extraordinary individual who lived an extraordinary life. She set many records and set the tone for those to follow. She took school seriously...going even when she didn't feel well. She missed 1 1/2 of school throughout her elementary career (1 day for the Bozo show and 1/2 for her brother's graduation). She had perfect attendance throughout high school and was bestowed the honor of being the 1st African American female valedictorian of her school, 2nd African American valedictorian. She loved to travel and have fun. She saw the world on a shoestring budget with the help of coupon books. Her friends and loved ones used to tease her about her fascination with coupons but always called her when they were looking for deals and discounts. She was the Queen of hook-ups.

She was the proud owner of Tweet's Sweets bakery which is renowned for it's yummy goodness across the globe. She also was the founder and director of a non-profit that served underprivileged young ladies. Luv was a proud servant of God...she boldly and fearlessly preached about God's kingdom, a kingdom many didn't believe she would inherit at the rate she used to cut up. Luv was a rebel without a cause at times which made us love her more. She was outspoken and witty, determined and persistent, lovable and loving.

She was a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend and she will truly be missed by all of those that she let into her life. She truly did an extraordinary job with living up her "dash of life"

gone but never forgotten

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My self care plan

• Wake up earlier
• Eat breakfast every day
• Write everyday whether it be blogging, journaling
• Go for a daily morning walk
• Drink 70 oz. of water a day
• Exercise for 15- 30 minutes a day
• Run 1-5 miles a day
• Read the Bible daily
• Try to meditate on a daily basis
• Juice for 30 days
• Cut out soda period/and eat junk food only when Otis is here
• Stop eating out for a week
• Get more Rest
• Make an overdue doctor’s appointment
• Stop letting the lizard man control me
• Focus on things I am thankful for daily
• Take time out for me daily
• Get back into swimming, tennis and skating

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vison board deadline is 9/17

You Want Me to do What? ~ day 24

Wow, it's hard to believe we only have 7 more days left. I am so anticipating my letter... can't remember what day it is supposed to come. Or, what I am supposed to be working on...but I have to say that I feel good.. Up until now I have looked each challenge in its face and laughed at it.. pushed, move past, jumped over, silenced fear and kept it moving..

Well today we have reached a roadblock..okay we probably reached it yesterday. ...

So, make a new friend...um yeah...not really gonna happen. I have been burnt with sharing with like minded individuals my dreams and goals with regards to my cupcake business....one of my homies went and opened up her own cupcake business. So yeah, I can't afford to share any more of my touchable goals...not yet.

But, seeing I hate to be defeated, I have decided to reach out to the woman herself, Ms. HappyBlackWoman and asked her to be my friend.. and so yeah, I'm gonna invite her out so we can meet face to face since i missed her meet up and then we can go from there..

haha #movingoutofmyownway

"sometimes you have to step back from a situation, see your fears and apprehensions for what they are and they and then step outside of the box to reach your desired result...everything ain't gots to be black and white or linear"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's all about the Benjamins Baby ~ Day 22

It's about to be all about the dollar, dollar bill. (SN: shout-out to me for blogging for 22 days straight ! #geauxme)

So today's challenge was to pick an area of my life that i will focus on getting on track in the next 30 days...okay that isn't what it said really but you know how we do... So I am picking finances because in less than 30 days I will be jobless ~ yay me.. I am nervous about it but i really do need some time off and I am firm in my belief that God will not leave me... it will afford me some time to do some things I should have done a long time ago.. any who, let me get focused and back to the task at hand

• Brief description of the project: I will be working on securing a job that will afford me the financial security that i need to take care of my small family (my niece, my son and myself)
• Why the project was selected: well because my job is ending and I have found that it is almost impossible to focus on other areas in life when you are constantly worrying about where your next meal is going to come from
• Goals: a better paying job
• Results: based on how many resumes i put out and on weather i go on any interviews
• Assistance needed: some help with drafting some KSAs
• Obstacles: that I am over qualified or under-qualified... i will just have to play up my experience.. and for the over qualified well...i can't worry about that
• Next steps: stay focused

"habit breeds consistency... having a plan limits anxiousness ... putting your plan in action allows you to reap what you have sown"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I surely do (smooches)

You Are the Weakest Link ~ Day 21

This one is gonna be kinda hard... well I guess not really. I have seen with my own eyes how much happier I have been since I stop spending every free moment with some folks that I love dearly. I mean I often laugh when I think about how some peeps who define themselves as being Christians really don't see how they really doing the devil's work...constantly gossiping, talking down, inciting rivalries, etc etc.

I just don't get it...I truly believe there is room for everyone who wants to be at the top to get there. I am not going to salt you down, steal your idea, stab in your back, none of that to get ahead. I don't understand the crabs in a barrel mentality.

Misery loves company... and misery hates to see other people succeed while it is still lying in the trenches.. I have to admit sometimes it's hard to be happy for people when you are steady getting pushed down...esp for peeps who in your mind don't deserve to get anything. It's even harder to be happy if you are surrounded by peeps who tell you that you shouldn't be happy for them...

This is why ever so often when I am sad and blue I go through my friend's list and phone and start deleting, blocking, etc.. I just can't waste any more time with peeps who aren't doing anything and who don't want to do better..

My Twitter fam don't bring me down... and I have deleted and blocked most FB that make my skin crawl... i guess there is one person I need to get rid of... but they don't contact me...I contact them....

"If changing was comfortable, everyone would be doing it.. nothing worthwhile comes easily..birds of a feather flock together... and bad association spoils a youthful heart... I am only as strong as my weakest link... time to do some house cleaning for real"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)