Thursday, June 28, 2012

No Longer a Caged Bird

I am flying free.
The eminence of death will do that to you.
It will force you to free yourself from all the things and people that really don't mater.
It will make you ask the hard questions and say things unfiltered.
Out of all of the folks in my phone, all 200+ names and numbers, 32 were selected to get a personal phone call if what they are calling to happen, comes to pass.
No rhyme, no reason...
My soul picked them, not my mind
Maybe they left footprints on my soul
Maybe they had made me a priority
Maybe they kept it real with me more often than not
Maybe they had given me the same consideration
I don't know
I didn't question it, I just went with the flow
I didn't force it or even review it, cuz when it is all said and done, it is what it is
Can't worry about hurt feelings and the whatnots. All that trivial stuff is just that... trivial.  It's funny because we about to separate the Friends from the frienemies...haha and some folks about to get a wake up call.  Folks who have secretly applauded my setbacks feena find out publicly that yeah, they not high on my priority list.
Focused like never before to move out of my own way and to keep pushing to the end.  Living and loving and forgiving ME.  Get your lighters out because you gonna want to see an encore.  Living without limits because I am finally free.

"Life is short so pack as many moments filled with everlasting memories as you can cuz you only live once."

~ Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Saturday, June 23, 2012

My Time is Running Out

Tick tock, tick tock, the seconds of my life are being measured out and well I am no more motivated to do anything about it than I was before I found out my untimely fate.

People take life for granted...thinking that we have all the time to get things right, to get the things we want and need and to say the things we want and need to say and of course to do all the things our hearts desire when the reality of it is LIFE IS HECKA SHORT!

Next week sometime I go find out exactly how long I have to get my mind right to decide to fight.  Fight for this life that has not had many sunny days...guess it's a blessing that I am so fond of the winter.

My body is shutting down, it's has had enough and well my heart and soul is right there with it. There is only so much you can ink on a page...I wish I could begin to explain the sorrow deep in my heart.

They told me that I am dying of a broken heart.  That if they could mend my broken heart they could begin to fight the cancer that is causing havoc on my organs.  I laughed and told them that I guess we know now where broken hearts go and it's not back home. They told me that they can save me, but I have to want to be saved.  I told them I was no Ho'.  They told me that I had to follow everything they told me to do to the T or they will kill me trying to save me.  I told them I was in the process of getting my burial stuff paid for cuz I was very confident of who I was and how this was going to play out.

I remember being mad at my favorite Unc for refusing to do what the doctor said to do and to quit smoking so he could live.  I remember being mad at my Aunt, his sister for refusing to take her insulin shots so she could live.  I snicker cause I know there will be those mad at me for refusing to change my colors to live.  But now I get it... sometimes when it is all said and done, all you have is your right to do what you what to do for you regardless of what everyone else thinks is best for you.  My Unc loved smoking, it was a part of his life, they couldn't tell him that the cancer would be in remission for the rest of his days so he decided to live out what days he had left doing what he did best, chain smoking.  He smoked a pack the day he finally closed his eyes for good.   My Aunt didn't like needles and there was no way in H-E-LLO that she was going to be sticking herself for the rest of her was a lot of things she could stomach but that wasn't one of them and she refused to live her life like that and so she went into a coma and died before I could ever get to meet her, even though many say I have her spunk : )

Me... I don't know what my issue is.  I just don't want to do it.  The medicine is nasty and now I am always nauseous or in pain and I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling like I am eternally pregnant.  I have suffered enough and I am done.  I am tired of fighting. Of overcoming. Of trying to make a way. When this first regimen of juice and berries is gone, I am done.  Not going to waste no more money on it...nope, I plan to spend the rest of my days, hours, minutes, seconds on creating Moments that create lasting memories for me and my child... I plan on living like tomorrow isn't promised to me because it really isn't.

"Life is precious and unpredictable so we have to make sure we get from it what we can and leave the nonsense and drama in the backdrop."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Knocking on Death's door

i have been a knocking for some time now, it would seem unbeknownst to me so many questions, so few answers so it would seem that this here blog, this hear practice of learning to love Luv was actually my body's scream for help to save me i am dying of a broken heart, amongst other things when you have loved as i have loved and had the very essence of your being ripped away ....well it's easy to kind of give up and give way time isn't on my side, racing against the clock trying to gain valuable seconds indifference isn't going to get me there, but i can't seem to muster up the ump to get me there, or anywhere for that matter i am not afraid of dying, it's a naturally unnatural process that i have mentally prepared for a long time ago. but there are some things i would like to do over, do again, correct, do better....etc. there's so much running through my mind and on my heart and i don't really want to share it with anyone. i just want to be one with me to kinda process this mess, to get a master plan to beat this mess i don't want to die and my heart doesnt want to fight...whats girl to do?