Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Sweeping the clouds away....

I would be lying if I didn't say that I thought that my sunny days would be here by now.  *insert long heavy sigh*  I mean I had it all mapped it since I was yay high.  I was going to take over the world with my boys and the select few girls who didn't irritate me, by my side.  Things were going to be lovely.  I was going to live in a fat house that my girl designed.  Ha, that joker is now a pilot turned professional Peter Pan like myself.  I guess if I ever get rich enough to purchase my own plane, I can hire her to fly me where ever; it would be like old times: blank mission after blank mission

Some days I hate being a grown up even though when I was little, I couldn't wait to be one.  Responsibility is soooo overrated.  I was never allowed to be a child, even though I knew how to be in a child's place.  The things that I experienced should not been mine to experience. I spent my entire childhood trying to escape into adulthood and I have spent most of my adult life trying to recapture the childhood I didn't have.  A vicious non-fulfilling cycle.

Life is about choices, so they say.  But sometimes our choices are made for us, never believe they are not.  However, we still have a choice how we decide to respond to the choices that were made for us...so even when we believe we have no control, we really possess all of the control.  So what am I getting at with all this mambojumbo rhetoric crap?  Nothing really, then again everything going on in my life right now.

I did not choose to be sick.  However, I have the power to choose how and when I fight this sickness.  Folks who are privy to what is going on with me almost always exclaim how good I look.  This is always funny to me because I can't for the life of me figure out how I am supposed to look seeing how they just found out that I was sick.  But, I do get it.  I don't look like tomorrow may be my last day. *shrugs*  Like I told you before, my Nan told me that just because I was playing/living the part, I didn't have to look the part.  So yes, I am sick, but I don't choose to walk around looking sick...at least not as long as I can help it.

It's funny how God will come in and humble us.  I used to believe I couldn't let anything slide, ESPECIALLY when someone was trying to play my face.  Now that I have this enlarged heart, I choose to let just about everything slide...UNLESS it's dealing with my child (I keep 911 on speed-dial for emergency heart malfunctions).

It's soooo many things about my life that I wanted to change but didn't quite know how to get from A to B but now I know all I have to do is choose to make the choices that will get me to my final destination in the most joy-filled manner possible.

"Change is about making the choices that will give you the desired results with the least amount of stress and the most fulfillment"

Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely do (Smooches)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Not Dead....Yet

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I say what doesn't kill you makes you crazier.  I am tanking out, seriously.   There is so much to do, so little time (literally).  Some days I feel so overwhelmed and other days, underwhelmed.  That cold and hot with no inbetween.   But I am blessed...

.....beyond compare.

God has me, this I know. But it's the knowing and doing that I have a problem with.  For sooooo long I have been just flooring it; running over things and people who get in my way, pushing, pushing, pushing, forward to brighter, better days.  But the reality of the matter is, God has been moving things and people out of my way.  He has been taking care of me EVEN when I have failed to take care of myself.

So why should this time be any different?

Recently I drove 4 states away through the mountains doing an average of 85 mph...up and down the mountains at awesome speeds.  Just taking in the beauty that reassures me that there is a God and what a wonderful Mastermaker is He.  Well, imagine my despair when I got to my destination and realized I had no rear brakes.  Not a one.  It was metal to metal and then some...to the point that I had to get my rotors buffed out (or whatever they did to reshape them)  As I sat there and thought about how many times I could have become airborne, I almost cried.  All I could think was that God takes care of babies and fools!

So glad I am still seen as a babe in God's eyes.

What a blessing that He didn't allow anything to happen to me and my child. As the bills pile up (bags full), I have to remind myself of what God has allowed me to accomplish with a monthly income of less than $900.  I have not miss my primary mortgage payment yet. (all glory goes to God)  I have taken care of two kids, one of which does not belong to me. (all glory goes to God)  I have made huge leaps and bounds in becoming a better me (Luv is loving herself and YASSSSS, all glory goes to God)!  So what's eating me?

My panties are all in a bunch.

There comes a time when God does remove his loving-kindness and His grace.  He did it with his son.  And he was perfect.  What if this is the time that I am allowed to reap what I have sown?  What if all the stops have been pulled out?  What if this is the end and for somethings I am just a little too late?  I am sick and I have been ignoring it for a very long time.  But it's no ignoring it any more.  I know He has me and that His will, will be done.  But, I am a realist.

I rationalize just about everything.

I've been saving to buy a juicer because I have really lost my appetite to eat and when I do eat, I feel so sick afterwards that I don't want to eat again.  A few days ago, I got a text from a friend telling me to meet them Sunday because they wanted to give me a juicer.

Ain't God good?!

"Even when we are tanked out, way past empty, we have to remember that as long as we are drawing in air, that He is able and willing to fill us back up, if we just allow Him to"

~Gotta Luv Moi, cuz I Surely do (smooches)