Friday, August 10, 2012

Not Dead....Yet

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I say what doesn't kill you makes you crazier.  I am tanking out, seriously.   There is so much to do, so little time (literally).  Some days I feel so overwhelmed and other days, underwhelmed.  That cold and hot with no inbetween.   But I am blessed...

.....beyond compare.

God has me, this I know. But it's the knowing and doing that I have a problem with.  For sooooo long I have been just flooring it; running over things and people who get in my way, pushing, pushing, pushing, forward to brighter, better days.  But the reality of the matter is, God has been moving things and people out of my way.  He has been taking care of me EVEN when I have failed to take care of myself.

So why should this time be any different?

Recently I drove 4 states away through the mountains doing an average of 85 mph...up and down the mountains at awesome speeds.  Just taking in the beauty that reassures me that there is a God and what a wonderful Mastermaker is He.  Well, imagine my despair when I got to my destination and realized I had no rear brakes.  Not a one.  It was metal to metal and then the point that I had to get my rotors buffed out (or whatever they did to reshape them)  As I sat there and thought about how many times I could have become airborne, I almost cried.  All I could think was that God takes care of babies and fools!

So glad I am still seen as a babe in God's eyes.

What a blessing that He didn't allow anything to happen to me and my child. As the bills pile up (bags full), I have to remind myself of what God has allowed me to accomplish with a monthly income of less than $900.  I have not miss my primary mortgage payment yet. (all glory goes to God)  I have taken care of two kids, one of which does not belong to me. (all glory goes to God)  I have made huge leaps and bounds in becoming a better me (Luv is loving herself and YASSSSS, all glory goes to God)!  So what's eating me?

My panties are all in a bunch.

There comes a time when God does remove his loving-kindness and His grace.  He did it with his son.  And he was perfect.  What if this is the time that I am allowed to reap what I have sown?  What if all the stops have been pulled out?  What if this is the end and for somethings I am just a little too late?  I am sick and I have been ignoring it for a very long time.  But it's no ignoring it any more.  I know He has me and that His will, will be done.  But, I am a realist.

I rationalize just about everything.

I've been saving to buy a juicer because I have really lost my appetite to eat and when I do eat, I feel so sick afterwards that I don't want to eat again.  A few days ago, I got a text from a friend telling me to meet them Sunday because they wanted to give me a juicer.

Ain't God good?!

"Even when we are tanked out, way past empty, we have to remember that as long as we are drawing in air, that He is able and willing to fill us back up, if we just allow Him to"

~Gotta Luv Moi, cuz I Surely do (smooches)

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