Saturday, February 27, 2010

Vents, Frustrations, Updates, the Works

So basically that means that this will possibly be a long post. But I have been m.i.a. for a sec so I owe it to myself to try and get it all out.

I am going loco! KooKoo for cocoa puffs. I am tapping out. I am tired.

Everyday it's something with this child of mine. Every freaking day. And I just want to say, "You killing me Petey, you killing me." (in my Denzel voice, not that I have a Denzel voice cuz I don't sound like a man, but if I did, it would be in his voice)

I mean it's like the devil has honed in on all of my pet peeves and things that irk me and get under my skin and just delivered them in one super sonic snowball. I am like 'lawd, lawd, lawd have mercy' over here so much that Chucky's Bride can be caught saying the same thing when she playing with her dolls.

So for months now I have been dealing with ringworms. Have I ever mentioned how much I despise fungal infections? How they creep me out? How they make my skin crawl? How I have like an OCD cleaning habit when it comes to the bathroom and kitchen because I am such a germaphobe? So both Chucky and the Bride have ringworm. Chucky got it from his barber some months ago and the medicine is just not working...or maybe it's not working fast enough. And some kinda way CBride got it. Honestly, I think Chucky gave it to her on purpose...or maybe she got it from being at that ol' lady's house. I don't know. I know the doctor told me that once you on meds it's not supposed to be contagious but I am not so sure because Chucky's keeps flaring up like brand new. Anywho, all I know is I don't want it so I am over here screaming on these kids when they touch something that I have to lie on or put on my body. I mean these kids are nasty. I wasn't a nasty child. I was very germ conscious growing up. I mean the other day CBride gets out of her bed and comes to me talking bout, "here Ma-Ma, here, take this," and I am like take what, then I look down and this child has a gigantic booger on her finger, I could have hit the floor. So, I'm like, "what is that, a booger?" and she like, "yeah, take it." Now I don't know what here mommy and her grandma used to do, but I don't take nobody's boogers! I told her that she betta get her and her booger back to bed and that I bet not find it on nothing that belongs to me. Sheesh.

Then there is the bug issue. I hate bugs, especially roaches. I DESPISE roaches. I have never had to live with roaches and refuse to do so now. Typically, our building does not have bugs. But we have new tenants and well you know those jokers like to travel. And normally, I know that if they gonna spray our building that I am going to see 1 or 2 because they won't spray my unit because of the kids. So I just put down some roach gel and that's the end of it. Well, I happened to get some low-end, ghetto, 'i have been hit with every poison imaginable and i am still here' roach in my place and it is driving me crazy. I have gel-ed and bleached down my house and I still see a roach here and there and it's driving me bonkers. I don't do roaches. I break out in hives when I see them, been this way since I was little. I don't want to bomb. I have never had to bomb. But I am about to set about 12 of those jokers off up in here. I just need to find a place for the kids to stay.

So my child's teacher has confirmed my fears that my child is not on target to pass to the next grade. Not because he doesn't know the work but because he won't do the work. What am I to do? I mean before his little world was altered, he was a stellar student. I never had to threaten him to get his homework done..but now, I am at the point where I just send him to bed to save his life.

I started a new job! And I like it. It's stress free so far. But I have to figure out what to do about my old job. I need to get out of my funk. I keep trying but it seems like I keep sliding right on back down the hill. I have been eating healthier. It's funny because it wasn't really a conscious decision. It's that both of the kids are on these peculiar diets that it's just easier for us to all eat basically the same thing. So pork and beef has almost totally been eliminated from our diets. Now if I go over someone's house and they have some beef shortribs, yeah I am gonna handle them accordingly, but, I will not be buying any more pork and beef. I have also been doing a lot more fresh fruits, which are very expensive.

Okay so I have a confession to make, I have a slight crush on CQP. Just big enough to make Safeway jealous. It's not one of those, 'oooh, I want to show you my pole action and hump you all night types of crushes.' It's basically one of those 'aww, you are so cute cause you so green and hopeful, here's a lollipop' type of crush.

My bornday is coming. My bornday is coming! and I am not prepared. I am not on target. I need a couple of days to myself so I can finish cleaning, organizing, sorting, prepping, and sleeping. But as always, I am just gonna roll with the punches.

Even though I am not on target to where I wanted to be at this point, I have changed. I have grown. I have matured. I have opened. I am blooming.

"With growth there is pain, frustration, disappointment, tears, fears, and sometimes even failure; however, it never fails that when you stop anticipating the growth, and stop tinkering with the soil, and just let nature take its course, new life almost always starts to sprout, and before you know it, the seed has blossomed into a beautiful flower."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Do Not Pass Go

Go directly to jail!

So we all know that if you will lie, you will cheat, if you cheat you will steal, and if you steal you will kill.

Well, if something happens to me, that child of mine has done it.

Because he Lied about something...can't quite remember right now...he just confessed to Cheating on his test at school...and the day before that he Stole from RiteAid....

So the only thing left on his list is to Kill.

And since his last words to me was that he wanted 'another mama that wouldn't try to take him to jail' I am sure I will be his first target.

That's right, I took his hindparts to jail and had the officer come out and scare the begeebees out of him. This little criminal in training stole some chocolate from the store, which he is allergic to, and hid it until he had a chance to get it out of the house undetected. Problem was, he didn't bank on leaving his lunchbox upstairs and he didn't bank on me opening it up after I had already closed it.

Then this lil midget wants to play word games with me and be all specific and technical. He bets to be glad that I know the demons that lie within me and that I didn't grab hold to him while I was mad.

"Where did you get this from?"


"Did you steal this?"

"I dunno."

"What do you mean you don't know..did you put this in your pocket and not pay for it?"

"No, I put it in my hand first and then in my pocket."

"Did you pay for it?"

"No, because it was in my pocket."

Lord, Father, Jehovah, you truly are a powerful God because the only reason that child of mine can walk today is because I know that there are many days that you probably want to have an angelic foot, lighting bolt, a huge hail ball hit me right smack dab in my forehead, BUT you don't because you are loving and do not change even when I act a fool up in here.

So, I call my ICE and breakdown. I call CQP and tell him. I text Jill Scott and tell her. I am at a lost. I don't know really what I can do differently. I mean enough is enough. I will not put money on his canteen. I will not write him. I will not visit him. I will not stop living if he gets locked up. I mean he needs to understand all of this now. I will not go to court and tell the Judge it wasn't him. I will not cover for him. I will not make excuses. I have a cousin that got locked up at the age of 10...I bet his mama wishes she would have paid attention to the early signs.

So, I spent the entire day at the hospital stressing. I felt the tears swell up in my chest. I wanted to let them out, but they would not fall. I had to do something. I had to make this boy understand that what he did was serious and that I would not stand by and condone his activity.

So after spending a shift in the hospital waiting to get various test ran on me because we still don't know what's wrong with me, I came up with an answer. I was going to take this little boy to jail. He big and bad enough to do the crime, let's see if he man enough to do the time. Hmph.

I wish I had taped it. It was pure comedy. I picked him up from school and talked to him calmly about his actions. I asked him what happens when you steal. "You go to jail." See, he had the knowledge, now it was just time for him to see application of it. I didn't say anything else to him. We went and picked up that little girl and they were in the back going back and forth and I was in the front getting my Alicia Keys on. I pulled up in front of 4D and this joker went slam off.

"Aww MAN! I gots to go to jail? You taking me to jail? I don't want to go to jail!" He starts wailing and so does the girl. Not sure why she crying. I get out the car and tell him that I will be right back. I go into the station explain my situation and how he really doesn't believe that he will go to jail because he is a kid. (this ain't his first time stealing) So I come back to my car, alone and start it up so I can continue singing "That's how strong my love is...." while I wait for the cop to get his coat and whatnot. So he comes and knocks on the window and opens the door and before he says anything, the child is screaming and crying and wringing his hands. I am in the front cracking up.

The cop pulled out his handcuffs and was like, "You know what these are? Stop you know what these are? You stealing from Rite Aid? You want me to lock you up? You gonna steal again? You sure cuz if so I am gonna come and I am going to put you in jail and you don't want to see what jail is...." My child's response to every question was, "I don't want to go to jail!" Funny thing is, the cop looked like he was about to cry when he walked time I gots to get a lady cop.

So, all the way to Olive Garden, he cries and screams about how stupid he is that he was about to go to jail for stealing something stupid...then he states how he wants a new mama who won't send him to jail. I could've stated how I wanted a new son who wouldn't fight their teachers, cuss out people, and steal from RiteAid, but instead, I kept singing my song.

"I love my son, God knows I do, but I will not turn a blind eye to anything that he does. My love for him is strong, even if it has been shaken, and it is that love that will see him through this rough spell cause lawd knows he won't be stealing again, or at least for a very long time."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Dopeboy Blessings

It's funny how things that are out of place are either falling into place or out of my life. I am in a really good place right now. I am in motion. I am focusing. I am discussing. I am releasing. I am living. But most importantly, I am accepting and I am changing.

Each day I am accepting who I am: the good, the bad, the ugly. And boy let me tell you there is a lot of bad and ugly up in here, but can you blame me? But, there is a sprinkle of good which has done wonders for me and others.

I often focus on the negative and not the positive because it just seems like there is so much of it, it overshadows, covers, smothers the goodness. Today, I choose to focus on my blessings.

So, as many of you know I am on crutches and have to contend with Chucky and Chucky's Bride. It has been really hard for me to get around because 1. My car won't start because the battery is dead and I am blocked in by the snow 2. I am not brave enough to do public transportation with Chucky's Bride while hopping, sliding on crutches.

Well, I have been receiving blessings on top of blessings this week, right when I needed them. So, as I stated, my car battery died on me because my car has been sitting for a week. So do you know the store manager from AutoZone came over, unhooked my battery, carried it back tot the store and charged it up so that I could at least start my car up if I ever got myself dug out. Then the other day when I needed to get to the hospital and it appeared as if every cab in the District was either already on a job or broken, a city worker offered to give me a ride to the hospital free of charge. What a blessing because Mama didn't really have roundtrip cabfare.

So today when the neighborhood dope boy came to shovel my car out (yeah I paid him, but that's a different story) and caught me when I was falling on the ice, I had to chuckle. Now when dope boy had another dope boy come and swoop us to take me to get them monsters so I wouldn't be late getting them, I couldn't help but smile. I mean it must pay to be genuine because I have always kept my foot up dope boy #1's butt, trying to push him to realize what he could get out of life if he just worked for it. Now I will say that I was more than concerned when we got pulled over by the Po-Pos, but even that was uneventful. I mean they were more concerned with making Chucky's Bride happy than with searching the vehicle. Cause lawd only knows what these jokers may have had in that car, but I don't think DB1 would roll like that with me in the car because I am kinda like his L7 big sister.

So I managed to buy another battery and guess who put it in...You guessed it: Autozone's Store manager and when I went to retrieve my key from the store's safe, another manager was like "you must be a special person, you must be a really nice seems like you get a lot of people to go out of their way for you." And you know what, he's absolutely, without a doubt, right.

I am special and I do go out of my way for people. So even though everyone else seemed astounded at the sight of the neighborhood pushers clearing the snow from around my car and helping me to and fro across the ice, I knew I was just getting back what I had put out there.

"Luv thy neighbor as thyself cuz you never know when you gonna need that crackhead, that prostitute, that old bathrobe wearing lady, or that person of a different hue that you don't like to bestow God's blessings upon you."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Monday, February 15, 2010

Know Your Lane, And Stay In IT!! Part 1

Because typically when you jump out of it, this is what is bound to be the end result.

So, my MOTHER is in town, coming to check on Chucky's Bride to make sure I don't have her locked in a closet or under Chucky's bed. And for those of you that know me personally, you know how I do love my mother. (for those of you who don't know me, I'm being facetious)

It's funny because her son called her last night because he had Lenny Williams in the car and he had him sing to her. On her son's fb page this morning he wrote how that was his highlight, making his mother happy. (hopping to get my emergency gag bucket.)

I'm sorry, I ain't gonna lie, cuz lying just ain't me. I don't wear it well...and when I try to wear it, I break out. I was ready for my Mother to leave before she even got here. She just brings so much unnecessary drama. I mean really, I told you Chucky wasn't here and he would be back when he got back on Monday. Don't keep harassing me with the whining about when is he coming back...cuz I may just make it the day after you leave.

So, my Mother is one of those people that likes to jump out of her lane without signaling and without given the nod that she can infringe upon your right-away. And I am one of those people who will lay on the horn and smash right into you..if my babies aren't in the car. Don't need to give them any more reason to whine.

It's interesting because I have been chatting with some Fb'ers and some other peeps and it seems like 'Tis Ta Season to forget your place. I am a firm believer that everyone has a place/role in life and at many times we may play several roles simultaneously...the confusion and chaos begins when we start toeing the line of a role that has not been given to us. When we start driving in someone else's lane.

My mother is my mother solely because she birth me. She did not raise me. She did not nurture me. She did not protect me. She did not teach me the things I needed to know to survive in this crazy world. HOWEVER, she did make sure I had access to the world and therefore, I was able to see that the way I was living wasn't the way everybody was living and that gave me HOPE and for that I will always be grateful.

So, she comes here and starts disrupting my program with the girl. Um, her bedtime is ifs ands or buts or you can kindly pack her back up with you and take her back. I guess the thing that frustrates me the most about my mother is that she doesn't contribute but she is always taking away or making it harder for me.

So my child comes in and he is whining so he gets sent to his room. I don't want to hear that crap. So, I tell him that he can come out when he is done with his nonsense. But, because he so busy whining and crying from delirium he doesn't hear me. So he gets agitated again and starts crying and whining loudly. So I get agitated and picks up the belt. (now mind you, I wasn't going to whoop him because he was too tired to be whooped...I was just using it to remind him that if he got any more out of hand I was going to have to put the leather down) She wants to know why I sent him to his room. I do not respond. So when he finally emerges out of his room my mother wants to baby him and undermine my authority. So we go through this power, err struggle? Not sure if that is the right word because I am the law when it comes to my child, no struggle there. I tell him to sit in a specific chair and she tries to get him to move and sit where she is. See my child is crazy but he ain't that crazy. I may be hop-a-long but he knew that I probably wouldn't have needed them crutches to get to him if he had moved one inch off that chair. So then she starts trying to bribe and baby him. I just look at him. She asks me why was I fussing at him. I just look at him. She asks him why I am fussing at him. I just look at him. She asks him why did he go with his cousin when he knew she was coming in town. I just look at him. She asks him what's wrong with my foot. I just look at him. My child never responds because he knows that I am very serious about certain things and staying in his lane is one of them.

My child is just that: a child. He is not my father. He is not my man. He is not even "the man of my house." He is a little boy that can barely pee straight. He will not provide any information about me or on me without prior verbal consent. He will not disregard what I have said because someone else tells him differently, unless he is in danger.

My mother does not get that she is my child's grandmother, nothing more and nothing less. That she cannot supersede anything that I say. That she is not privy to any and all information. That she does not have a right to know why I discipline him. That I do not have to have him home simply because she is visiting. That if I say he can't have it and can't do it, that that is my FINAL ANSWER. If I say he doesn't need it, please don't buy it because I will donate it or keep it boxed up for years. I am sure she wondering where his drum set is.

I don't do this to be mean. I do this to set boundaries. If you chose not to recognize or respect them, that is on you. I told her that both Chucky and Chucky's Bride needed shoes. Nothing more nothing less. She came back with dishes for them and clothes and toys and no shoes.... Most of the stuff she has wasted on her money will stay boxed up...I don't have the room. I have enough clutter going on to add to it.

So before she came I told her not to buy Chucky any more Wii games because he can't even play the ones he has. So she told him, she was gonna get him the games anyway. Well she can and they will sit there. So right now she is at Toys R Us and she wants to know if Chucky can have a bike and if Chucky's Bride has x,y,z. And I am like no and they don't need it. So she wants to whine about why they can't have it and I lost it.

I wanted to say 'because I said so'...ain't that what she used to tell me when I was growing up? But instead I pointed out the obvious to her: He doesn't need a bike because he has a motorized motorcycle that he doesn't even use because he can't carry it up and down the stairs and neither can I. He has no room. He doesn't need it. She shares my room. It's my room, I don't want any more kid junk in my room. She has enough junk in there. It is a 2 bedroom condo that I clean up. Chucky cleans his room but I always have to go behind him and redo something. Don't bring any junk in here! (sadly, I know they will come with some junk and I will do what I need to do to it when it gets here)

It's like when he was born and she came to visit. I told her I didn't want any visitors. She said I needed the help. So instead of offering to wash some of his clothes or the dishes or straighten up, she kept trying to take him from me while I was feeding or washing him. I guess that would free me up so that I could do all the washing, cooking and cleaning..

So here it is that I am on crutches and have been house bound with both of them for a week straight and you come and want to go shopping and want to leave Chucky's Bride with, that's a nogo. You ain't picked up a broom, a mop a sponge to clean anything. You haven't even attempted to bathe or dress or feed your 2 year old granddaughter since you have been here but you think you have a right to comment about something I am doing.

Man umph that and prepare for impact!

"We all have a role to play in life. And it can be a very fulfilling and satisfying role if we stayed in our role/character. The problem with this is, someone almost always wants to play the leading role when they have been given the job of the supporting actor. It just won't work."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Curse of My Gift

I have a very peculiar gift.

A lot of people swear they wish they had it.

People are always astounded by it.

I HATE it on most occasions.

I have an extraordinary memory. I can not only remember things from 30 years ago (there I go dating myself) but I can remember very specific details like: conversations (verbatim), outfits worn, where people stood, exact locations, etc...etc. Stuff that no one should want to remember.

My short term memory is more profound than my long term memory. I can memorize vast amount of knowledge in a short period of time and regurgitate it upon command, on most occasions. This is how I made it through law school. I did not open most books until the week of finals. Since my grade would only consist of my final there was no need for me to store all that mundane jargon throughout the school year when I could just cram during finals week. It's also how I passed the Bar after only studying for three days.

So many may be reading this and saying well what is the problem..sounds good to me.. the problems is I just don't remember the good, I remember EVERYTHING, the good and the bad. And some days it just seems like the bad outweighs the good.

Maybe that's why I wouldn't commit to writing this blog as openly as I needed to...maybe that's why it took another tragedy to get me into therapy. I remember that I started going to the Rape Crisis Center... I went for a couple of sessions and just stopped going. It was too much for me. While the ladies were up sharing, I was transported back to my room, to my bed, to my apartment where I was being victimized. Do you know what it's like to be victimized in what's supposed to be your safe haven? Everyday that I came home, I relived this tragedy. Scene by scene. Because that's what it had become for me: a movie.

I hated coming home because I knew the minute that I opened the door, I would be transported back in time. So, I took to doing things to take my mind off the foolishness like dating losers (and I am not calling them losers after-the-fact, I knew they were losers before hand), eating baking soda, and writing. That's how I met my child's donor. That's partially why I am sick right now. I wrote a book about my ordeal and when I was approached by a publisher to publish it, I freaked out and shelved the book. I also started doing something else that I hadn't done before, I started editing my tragedy.

Each day I would change a scene. Sometimes it would be something small and other times it would be something big. It got to the point that I had edited it so much that I didn't even get raped, I got away...and well that's probably why the rape never really bothered me per se, I had fooled myself into believing that it didn't really happened the way that it happened. Now the twins, that was something totally different, I couldn't edit that pain away.

I couldn't change the fact that so many people told me their dying was the best because I shouldn't have tried to keep the rapist baby. I couldn't edit out the look on my child's face as I held him in the palm of my hand as he died. I couldn't edit out the pain that I felt at having to go through most of the ordeal alone because I didn't know who would be bitten with the stupid bug. I couldn't edit scenes and I couldn't numb the pain or blink away the stupid people.

There are a lot of painful episodes in my life that I can't let go of because they are so fresh in my mind, it's like they just happened. So, I can't forgive, because I can't forget that you stood there and laughed at me and played that stupid Ebony and Ivory song at a time when I needed to be told that I was pretty, that Black was beautiful...anything BUT that I was black followed by the snickering and the playing of Stevie's song. I can't trust because I hear and replay all of the broken promises that were broken even before they left the lips of the people uttering them.

So, you can imagine that this can get tiresome. It was sorta like I had pain OCD because my mind would not constantly replay the good episodes, it was only the ones that caused my knees to buckle that my brain had on repeat. Maybe it was a defense mechanism...keeping the pain fresh in my mind so that I wouldn't repeat the same mistake twice. But it had the opposite effect; I typically fell into the same situation, scenario, relationship because I couldn't mentally edit the outcome. So, I had to try and physically alter the outcome by proving to myself that if placed in the almost exact situation again, I would come away with different results.

Well, you should know how that worked for me.

Yup, it got me a whole bunch of new painful episodes for my brain to replay.

So, I developed another way to deal with the issues of remembering so much: I stopped listening and participating. I only listen to half of what people tell me so when I go to process the info later on, I can't because it doesn't make sense. I only participate 50% in a relationship so I am very rarely forced to "show-up." How can I, I only remember half of what was said and half of that I have edited to fit my needs.

And while this new technique works to a certain degree, it does nothing for the syndicated programs that play daily in my head. How do I pull the plug on them? How do I turn them off. How do I let the real healing begin? Because I can't stop treating Jack Sprat like Jack Benimble if I am reliving my relationship with Jack every second of the day.

I wonder if I can't forget because I haven't forgiven or if I can't forgive because the images are so etched in my mind and heart.... I don't know. But I have started trying something new, because you know what they say....

I have started forgetting not so good events in my life as soon as they happen and you know what, I find that I don't have a need to forgive because I can't even remember actually why I was upset in the first place. I have also started giving most people the benefit of the doubt and not instantly believing they meant to cause me harm. This has also eliminated my need to forgive because if it wasn't done maliciously, there is no need to sweat it, so I just let it roll right off my back and on out the door.

No need to make a sitcom out of a doomed pilot.

"They tell us that we should forgive and forget, it is the Christian way. But how do you forgive if you can't forget the hurt and pain that were caused by the deed? How do you forget something that you are trying so hard not to forgive? I guess the real question would be: how do you progress forward when you steady holding on to what's behind you?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz i Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Thursday's Therapy ~ Introducing Me

Look at me, I am absolutely without a doubt, GORGEOUS!
(a lil ashy around the shoulder and the inner arm, but still fab)

Do you know how long it has taken me to be able to say this and really mean it know it? Too darn long. And I am ashamed that I let so many people have so much power in my life. Never again.

So I told CQP that I am postponing therapy and he went on and on (blah, blah, blah, blah blah) about how it would be counter-productive for me. And well, he is wrong. Because I am progressing. I mean look, you actually can put a face to my blog now, if that's not progress, I don't know what is, cuz this definitely puts my witness protection bit in jeopardy.

So the therapist is still begging me to be open with him in person and well, err, I try...but when I try, he's never available. The timing is off...he be in a meeting and I be in my car boowhooing. He be in a session with someone else and I be walking down the street boowhooing. I cannot be open with everyone all of the time because I am not even open with myself all of the time, so you have to catch me when the opening is: OPEN

I even protect myself from myself. Now if that ain't crazy, I don't know what is. I fight myself on just about everything...

Right now I am going through it. I am at a huge crossroad in my life. It's exciting and scary at the same time. I have some major decisions that I need to make. I cannot continue toeing the line.

My Faith: I need to get it right with God. I need to put in the work. Some things you can't fluff, take the crash course on, or fake because when test time comes, you will crash. And I know that all I have to do is A,B, C, but for some reason, I just want to do D. But, I am working on it.

My Career: I need to pick one that allows me to do the things that I want to do for God. That allows me to be okay with the decisions that I have to make. That allows me to sleep at night and look at myself in the mirror. I say all this to say that I passed the a year ago and still have not gotten the courage to go swear in. I have done a lot of things in my past that may come up and well, I am not sure how I would react if I was barred from getting in based on something I did in my past life. And I am not sure I want to practice....And I am not sure that the people that I want to be there to share in my moment, will be there...and even though I act like it wouldn't matter if they were does matter.

My Child: I don't like him right now. Not at all. I see a lot of traits in him that I do not like and it pains me. My child is selfish when it comes to me. Don't get me wrong he is a sweet and loving child but he is very selfish when it comes to me. There are times when we only have exactly enough to feed us for that day and (I just worry about the next day when it comes) this child of mine will mess over all of the food and leave me nothing to eat...nothing. There are times where I am loaded down with bags trying to lug them up five flights of stairs to get them to our door and his hands are empty. When I instruct him to take a bag, he goes off into "I can't do anything right...I am so bad...My hand hurts.." just some nonsense I don't be trying to deal with at the time because the rage I feel inside, if unleashed would leave him lifeless on the ground. I know that I cannot teach my child how to be a man but I can show him how to be a decent person and right now, I feel like I am failing him. It's like the more I try to protect him from certain behaviors and people, the more he emulates them. Throwing in the towel is not an option, but trust me I be begging the Ref to speed up the rounds.

I also don't like my child because when I look at him, I see me. I see everything that I hate about me. I hate that I am so sensitive and take things used to take things personally. I hate that I get jealous. I hate that it appears that I am always playing catch up even though I have all the necessary tools to put me ahead of the game. I hate that his donor doesn't think it's important to be in his life unless he scoring brownie points with me. I hate that he has so much anger in him at such a young age. I hate that he gets the complex stuff but can't grasp the simple things. I hate that he doesn't understand and see what a great person he is and how he already running circles around some twice his age. I hate that I gave him life before I was emotionally right.

It's hard to feel something or share how you feel when there's a disconnect. I have turned my feelings off for so long that at times I don't know how to feel or how to appropriately act when it's dealing with me...if it's dealing with someone else, I'm good. My emotions are qued and ready to go.

With me, I typically lash out through my hair. When I am going through something or coming through something, my hair typically gives it away. Right now, I am going natural. Maybe it's me expressing that I am going back to my roots...that I am getting to the core, the bottom of things for once and for all. That I am taking off the masks. That I am ready to love me in the purest form......

Whatever it means, know that I am too far out here on this branch to turn back now.

The phases of me:

"I was broken. I was lost. I was beaten. I was forgotten. I was abandoned. I was unloved. God is fixing me. I was found. I am healing. I am unforgettable. I was adopted. I am loving me and I am here. Never again will I give my thunder away to those whose sole purpose is to block my rays."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

It's Not Me You Should Be Afraid of.....

It's my private thoughts.

Cuz I have realized that sometimes it's not the enemy but the "inner-me" (borrowed from one the beautiful bloggers on here) that is the problem.

Negative thinking. Negative cycles. Negative people. Create Negative Energy.

Each day I get up and I assess my progress or lack thereof. I try to be as honest as I can be, cuz as sure as the truth will set you free, it shall also hurt. So somedays, I have to be honest-like with myself.

But one of the things I pride myself about is the breaking free of the negative people that were around me. Everything about them, I despised, but I found myself drawn to them at the same time. They always were talking about somebody or something like their stuff was airtight, when it wasn't...matter of fact their stuff was glued to the fan. Ever since I gave them the deuces and permission to kiss my royal black behind, I have been on an upward path.

Still there are negative behaviors or patterns that I have developed during that period that I cannot shake. Like, the negative thought pattern. 90% of the time I think people who come up and compliment me are full of it ~ why, cuz I saw them compliment people on something that they were just dogging out.

"I don't know why she gots on those clothes, makes her look like a d#$^ fool... Girl, I love your outfit where you get it?"

I have a hard time trusting guys because I have seen the game men will spit to cover their tracks. I on several occasions listened as dudes lied to their significant others about their whereabouts...I mean unless my bedroom looked like a gym or a firehouse...there was no limits to these dudes lies. (but that's another story for another day)

So CQP has been on me about negative cycles which I guess he is talking about negative thinking about how I start at Point A: He is not into me right now and arrive at Point B: He never loved me.

And well how do you stop thinking that when you call someone and they don't pick up that they don't want to talk to you...that they looking at the phone waiting for it to stop ringing...or when you send a text to your man and don't get one in return that your man's with somebody else? Or when you throw a party and right before the first guest shows up, stop thinking that no one's going to come or that the party's going to be a disaster?

I have to admit that with the hand I have been dealt that I often skip the "hope for the best" and just automatically "plan for the worse." But, I am thinking that it's time for me to adjust my thinking because always being in survival mode is draining. And honestly, you miss out on a lot of good always looking for the bad.

"There's enough badness in the world that one doesn't need to search for it, living your life searching and planning for the worse, is no life at all...spend your time seeking the less obvious like good ol' fashion agape love"

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Facing the Music

It's not always easy. Sometimes it's hard to admit that some notes are just out of your range...your reach.

That the harmony that you hear is only in your head and that the resonance of the actual dissonance of your life, can be heard by all even if it's ignored by you.

I say often, "I am unbreakable and that I was not made to be broken." But, I am not very committed to the statement, which is why I say it often to remind myself of the mere fact that it should be embedded in my heart.

I cannot measure my success by those around me, but I constantly do to keep from dealing with my overflowing plate of things that I have placed there. A lot of the things that I placed on my plate, I knew that I had no business partaking in... I saw the warning signs... I knew they would be bad for my health, but the curiosity got the best of me...and like the cat, darn near killed me.

I rely a lot on my own understanding and perspective of things even when I know it will be to my own detriment. I am afraid of commitment to the point that I even have a hard time committing to following out my obligations to's probably why I haven't gone and raise my right held to commit to providing justice for all...

I look at my know they say birds of a feather flock together. Well, I have flocked with the best of them, but when it comes to soaring to the next level, to even greater heights or just completing that level, something always comes up that sidetracks me, blocks me, prevents, prohibits me from finalizing my course. I may make it to the next level BUT it's like I am always playing catchup because I am missing that extra piece you get at the end. Sorta like playing SuperMarioBros., skipping by certain levels with magic codes, BUT wishing you hadn't bypassed them because in the end you were missing out on your invincibility or your extra men.

So, this past week, I had surgery on my foot. Had my bunion removed. Hoping that removing the excess pressure on my nerves, will stop the lost of sensation in my hands and feet. But, so far, it has happened more than ever. But, I guess, I should be happy that i will now have "pretty feet."

But anyway, being home with the kids in all this pain with no one of my picking near to help me, really made me look at my ways. Especially after the "blizzard" snowed us in and knocked out our power for hours and I didn't have a flashlight, a candle, nor a working phone. I realized that my secretive ways may one day get me in a situation that I cannot get out of. My next door neighbor kept offering to help me, and I kept refusing.

She one of them I ain't one to gossip and you ain't heard it from me BUT "so and so did and said and went here" types of neighbor and well, she means well BUT I know that Luv, like Homey, don't play that.

But, I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt lonely, that I didn't feel abandoned EVEN though I didn't really formally tell anyone that I was having surgery. I mean I told my aunts and my cousin because I needed them to assist me with getting my child to school and with me getting released from the hospital. So Jill Scott got my child to school and my aunt came and got me from recovery and wheeled me to my car. See, um, I figured since I had a HIGH tolerance for pain that I wouldn't really need much help, err support than that. Boy was I wrong.

When the numbness wore off, the pain grabbed hold of my entire body. When i tell you that I have never felt pain like that, I mean I would rather go deliver a 20 pound baby vaginally, naturally, than to feel that pain again. When I told people that I had actually taken 1600 mg worth of pain medicine and was still in pain, they were shocked. One because I don't do meds, especially pain meds. Two, 1600 mg is a lot of mg and after popping those two pills I was still favoring the fetal position.

I really underestimated how much assistance I really was going to need. I mean I was told that I was going to get a cane and walked out with crutches. I have to walk up 5 flights of stairs to get to my door. Now add crutches to that equation while trying to keep track of a mischievous 6 year old and a super active 2 year old. These last couple of days have been hecka hard. Good thing I am really cool with at least one of my neighbors. She let us chill at her place and benefit from her candles when the lights went out so we wouldn't be down at my place in total darkness.

It was while I was down there chit-chatting with the ladies that it dawned on me that I had bought into the "i am strong and can handle anything" mentality. I cannot do it alone. Not now with two emotional children and only one good foot. And not never. I cannot seek that which I am also hiding from.

So for the last couple of postings, I have been fighting myself. My thoughts have been muddled. My vision has been hazy. I was at a crossroad and needed to make a decision. Was I going to self-destruct by causing Safeway pain, undermining all of my emotional growth? Was I going to continue fighting/being resistant against change. Was I going to continue to do things the way I was accustomed?

After pondering the situation and discussing it with those whose opinions I value, I decided to tell Safeway that he was in danger. Great emotional danger. I am sure that it hurt him knowing that while he was trying to be more "genuine" (his words) with me that I was plotting to destroy his emotional psyche'. I also told him that I lied to him about not commenting on his humping buddy's blog. I told him that I did not trust him any more and that I thought he was a liar. When he asked me if I hated him...if I was mad with him... I laughed. He really did not and does not matter any more. Because with each passing day, something else is reveal to me that shows me that God truly knows what is best for me and right now and maybe not ever, Safeway ain't it.

I have made a lot of progress and sometimes it seems as if I have to take 4 steps back just to move 1/2 step, and it bothered me. But now, I am okay with it. My progress cannot be measured by the distance I have traveled but it can be measured by the width and the ease of my smile. I know that I am afraid of what I have to do in order for me to get better, to feel better, BUT that doesn't mean that I am not going to do what needs to be done. At first, I thought that I could just renovate and make adjustments by tearing out a wall here and there...when that didn't work, I began excavating, reasoning that the outer core and the foundation could be salvaged....Now, I am realizing that I am going to have to send a wrecking ball in, knock the entire thing down and start anew.

Starting over from scratch is never easy...I mean think about all the time, money, memories, etc. invested in the old. Those are things I will never be able to get back. But looking at the return I am destined to receive once my life is properly built is enough for me to say a prayer and give the signal to let the ball swing.

"I cannot crave companionship and only welcome isolation. I cannot crave closeness and shun intimacy. I cannot strive for success and be afraid of failure. I cannot demand understanding and only hear what I want to hear. I cannot expect perfection from imperfect people. I cannot continue to forgive without also trying to forget. I cannot continue loving with stipulations and expecting to find true love."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday, February 4, 2010

It's the Little Things that Will Be the Death of Me

I am the way that I am for a reason.

I cannot fully explain that reason to you if you don't already know me or if you are just getting to know me.

Just know that what I say is the way it is, and the way it is, is what I say.

Some say that I am a little backwards and unorthodox at times. Well, that's what they say, and typically those who say this, haven't met anyone like me, AND shall never meet anyone like me unless they are introduced to my child. He is a piece of work. A piece of work that will be the death of me. ( I will get to that a lil later) They also ain't took one step in my shoes let alone a mile.

If I had my choice, I would have thrown my hand in a long time ago. Seriously. I am tired of stressing. "Oh, Luv, you too blessed to be stressed." What the heck ever. I am stressed and I am telling you that I am stressed. Don't tell me there is no need to be stressed when YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM COMING FROM OR WHERE I HAVE TO GO!

I am tired. I talked to my uncle the other day and all I could say was, "Unc' I am tired. I can't do this any more. Something has to give. Something has to change. Something...." My walk in the government welfare office cut our call short, and not a moment too soon because the tears I have on reserve when I need to prove to people that I have emotions, were about to break through.

I have my niece. I love my niece. I don't like dealing with her mama or her grandma (yes that would be my sister and my mother) when it comes to my livelihood. For over 2 weeks now, I have been trying to get this child a daycare voucher. Why? Because I don't have the extra money to spend on it and even if I did, cuz apparently I do since I have been paying it (yeah that would be why all my phones are off and some more stuff), why should I pay for it when I can have it subsidized or paid in full (I should pay because most of the free ones are some crap). So, I am told that before I get a voucher I need to prove that me and my sister are related so they need both of our birth certificates (wtw), um you have a court order stating we are related and that I have guardianship...oh, I forgot, you are the same people that once told me that my child's birth certificate wasn't enough to prove he was mine and that he lived with me and that I needed to get two neighbors to write a letter stating that he was my son (i digress), so I call the powers that be and tell them I need a birth certificate my sister was like um, your mom has a copy get it from her. So I call her mother and ask her to fax it because they want it faxed directly to the office from Chicago (maybe they have heard about my *cough* skills) and her mother says okay. I call the next day and say did you fax it becuz I need to go and get this stuff straight. "No, I decided to just email it to you. It was going to be too much to bring the fax machine downstairs to fax it."

I check my email and OF COURSE it isn't there and she knew it wasn't going to be there because she has been BLOCKED for years, which is why she normally has my siblings email me for her.

So, I call back and say, I don't have it. Well, I emailed it to your sister too, maybe she could forward it. (deep breathing has been activated) I call and text my sister who doesn't have it either. I call her mother back and tell her so. Well, I could re-email it. (10,9,8,7,6...) "Why can't you just do what I asked you to do and what you said you were going to do...fax it...they want it faxed?!" "Oh, well, I guess I could do that, too."

So now an entire week has passed. And my niece is still going to the old lady who I have had to refrain from choking out on a daily basis. So finally, they get the birth certificate and I get the referral to go to the office to get a referral for a voucher. (gotta love the government) I go and wait over 4 hours to be seen, only to be told I need to come back the next day. I come back the next day and wait 3 hours before being seen and when we get right down to the end where I am supposed to sign for the voucher, that the lady decides to do her job (the nerve of this worker), she reads the health form and sees it is out of date. You don't say? It's only dated 2008 and this is eh, um, what 2010! Now why in the hammsammich would you send me an out of date health certificate KNOWING she would not be able to get in school or daycare with it. How do I know she/they knew? Because my niece has been in daycare before and it is STANDARD across the states that all health records on file are only good for a year from the date on form. AND when I called and told them I needed an updated form I was told "oh, yeah, she couldn't use that form when I enrolled her here either...they said it was too old. But, she has an updated one because your sister faxed it to the school so your niece could go."

So, I call my sister who wants to know why I can't just take her to a doctor up here because she would have to look for the form and my mother should have a copy of the updated form, too.

Enuf is Enuf and trust me when I tell you that with ONE day until my surgery that I have had enough. So I politely text both my sister and her mother that if I could not get the necessary forms to do what I needed to do for and with my niece, I would drive her back to the Chi.

The form was faxed to the agency within 3 hours. I received a text stating it was faxed and also reminding me that my niece could not eat beef or pork and that the daycare facility should be notified. Really? How about letting them know that the child is also allergic to all diapers except for Huggies. Or that she is allergic to most soaps? Or that she has the tendency to pull her hair out when her eczema flares up in her head. All of which I had to find out firsthand because you didn't tell me.

So, now I am going to the office, praying that it is nothing else that they need from me and that I can get seen within 2 hours so that I can make it to my job interview on time, get out of the interview in enough time so that I can get the crazy girl from the crazy old lady so that I can get to my child's school to go oops upside his head for the phone call I received earlier from his school informing that he had cussed a student out.

And my uncle is telling me that I need to set time aside to spend with just him because he is crying out for attention and I am like what time do I have? And better yet, when will I have time for me? I mean I can't even pee without someone coming in the bathroom whining and crying about something. When I get up at 3 a.m., my normal ME time hour, I got a little girl staring me in the face saying, "Ma-Ma, t.v. Handy Mandy? No? What about juice...water? Aw man." Don't get me wrong, I know that my child needs me. I need me. The girl needs me. I am only one person. I balance, juggle, do what it do, to the best of my abilities. I am a single parent. It was my choice. We all know I don't always make the best, brightest decisions when left to my own devices.

However, I am not right if my child is not right. And right now, he ain't right. So what am I to do but sacrifice whatever it is that I need to sacrifice to get him back on track. I am going to have to postpone (not stop) my therapy. It is draining me. And when I am drained because of dealing with my own emotional baggage, I don't have room to really deal with my child or niece's emotional baggage. And well, they come first.

It's funny because some peeps told me, "you have had to handle worst things than this..why are you so raddled?" And I keep telling them,"it's the little things that get me, but they don't hear me though."

"In life we always have choices. The choices we make in life will not only shape and determine our future, but often the future of those around us, especially our kids. Whenever given the choice, I will always choose to brightly shape my child's future even if it means dimming mine."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Musing to Myself

What is your deepest fear, besides fear?

How is it that a four letter word has so much power over you?

It's funny that things that would scare the bejeezbees out of most people, you tackle with ease.

So much progress has been made...


However, not much has been made underneath. Underneath you still are cautious of what you say and who you say it to. You still guard your intimate thoughts from those surrounding you. You still let things fester and boil until they explode once you can't take any more.

They say one will continue revisiting a certain trial until the lesson is learned. So what lesson is it that you are missing with Safeway? Why is he still lurking around your door?

Why is it that you are constantly battling with the person you used to be and the person you want to be? You were not happy with the old you because it was so different from the previous you and so far off the mark of the you, you wanted to become....but what now....what's stopping you?

I think it's the fear of being hurt. The fear of failure, of missing the mark. The fear of being misinterpreted and misunderstood. The fear of being totally exposed. The fear of letting myself down again.

I crave love, like the flowers crave rain. I have been searching for it for what seems like my entire life. I remember that I always hooked up with dudes less than because well, I never really had any reasons to expect for it to last and therefore was never shocked when it ended. I always looked for the bad boys, the outcasts, the misfits...the one time I took a chance on a NICE GUY well look how it ended. I let him in...all the way in...I loved him more than I knew I was capable of loving....I changed for him, for me because I wanted to keep him, wanted to make him happy...I wanted to be happy. And it turns out that it's true, your family and love ones can hurt you worse than anybody else.

I am still confused about why he did the things that he did...when we are together, it still feels so magical, so cinderella-ish. But, I am not searching for answers, I am searching for ways to pay him back, to hand him his heart on a platter, to break him down and make him live the life of never trusting another soul, of never wanting anyone else to get close to him. I am looking to give Karma a ride on my back.

The old me is rejoicing and is plotting and planning. The me in progress is not so thrilled. She just wants some clarity on the situation. She wants to know why he is so concerned all of a like he was when we first met. She wants to know what he gains from collecting broken hearts. From hurting her, me, them other girls.

Why am I so afraid to be let someone else in...I mean there is a 50/50 chance it will go well and a 50/50 chance that history will repeat itself. Why am I so resistant to change and personal growth when it is on somebody else's time-table and not by my watch?

I mean being in this rut these past 10 years has not gotten me anywhere. I have very lil to show for it but what I do have to show for it, speaks volumes to my character, to my resilience, to my determination to keep trying until my visions are tangible.
But, I still feel like I am that little hamster on the metal-wheel-around thinking I am gaining on something when I really am rotating around the same madness.
"Life lessons shape us, mode us, and form us into better than before people, when we step past the fear and allow life to do it's thing."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)