Thursday, February 11, 2010

Thursday's Therapy ~ Introducing Me

Look at me, I am absolutely without a doubt, GORGEOUS!
(a lil ashy around the shoulder and the inner arm, but still fab)

Do you know how long it has taken me to be able to say this and really mean it know it? Too darn long. And I am ashamed that I let so many people have so much power in my life. Never again.

So I told CQP that I am postponing therapy and he went on and on (blah, blah, blah, blah blah) about how it would be counter-productive for me. And well, he is wrong. Because I am progressing. I mean look, you actually can put a face to my blog now, if that's not progress, I don't know what is, cuz this definitely puts my witness protection bit in jeopardy.

So the therapist is still begging me to be open with him in person and well, err, I try...but when I try, he's never available. The timing is off...he be in a meeting and I be in my car boowhooing. He be in a session with someone else and I be walking down the street boowhooing. I cannot be open with everyone all of the time because I am not even open with myself all of the time, so you have to catch me when the opening is: OPEN

I even protect myself from myself. Now if that ain't crazy, I don't know what is. I fight myself on just about everything...

Right now I am going through it. I am at a huge crossroad in my life. It's exciting and scary at the same time. I have some major decisions that I need to make. I cannot continue toeing the line.

My Faith: I need to get it right with God. I need to put in the work. Some things you can't fluff, take the crash course on, or fake because when test time comes, you will crash. And I know that all I have to do is A,B, C, but for some reason, I just want to do D. But, I am working on it.

My Career: I need to pick one that allows me to do the things that I want to do for God. That allows me to be okay with the decisions that I have to make. That allows me to sleep at night and look at myself in the mirror. I say all this to say that I passed the a year ago and still have not gotten the courage to go swear in. I have done a lot of things in my past that may come up and well, I am not sure how I would react if I was barred from getting in based on something I did in my past life. And I am not sure I want to practice....And I am not sure that the people that I want to be there to share in my moment, will be there...and even though I act like it wouldn't matter if they were does matter.

My Child: I don't like him right now. Not at all. I see a lot of traits in him that I do not like and it pains me. My child is selfish when it comes to me. Don't get me wrong he is a sweet and loving child but he is very selfish when it comes to me. There are times when we only have exactly enough to feed us for that day and (I just worry about the next day when it comes) this child of mine will mess over all of the food and leave me nothing to eat...nothing. There are times where I am loaded down with bags trying to lug them up five flights of stairs to get them to our door and his hands are empty. When I instruct him to take a bag, he goes off into "I can't do anything right...I am so bad...My hand hurts.." just some nonsense I don't be trying to deal with at the time because the rage I feel inside, if unleashed would leave him lifeless on the ground. I know that I cannot teach my child how to be a man but I can show him how to be a decent person and right now, I feel like I am failing him. It's like the more I try to protect him from certain behaviors and people, the more he emulates them. Throwing in the towel is not an option, but trust me I be begging the Ref to speed up the rounds.

I also don't like my child because when I look at him, I see me. I see everything that I hate about me. I hate that I am so sensitive and take things used to take things personally. I hate that I get jealous. I hate that it appears that I am always playing catch up even though I have all the necessary tools to put me ahead of the game. I hate that his donor doesn't think it's important to be in his life unless he scoring brownie points with me. I hate that he has so much anger in him at such a young age. I hate that he gets the complex stuff but can't grasp the simple things. I hate that he doesn't understand and see what a great person he is and how he already running circles around some twice his age. I hate that I gave him life before I was emotionally right.

It's hard to feel something or share how you feel when there's a disconnect. I have turned my feelings off for so long that at times I don't know how to feel or how to appropriately act when it's dealing with me...if it's dealing with someone else, I'm good. My emotions are qued and ready to go.

With me, I typically lash out through my hair. When I am going through something or coming through something, my hair typically gives it away. Right now, I am going natural. Maybe it's me expressing that I am going back to my roots...that I am getting to the core, the bottom of things for once and for all. That I am taking off the masks. That I am ready to love me in the purest form......

Whatever it means, know that I am too far out here on this branch to turn back now.

The phases of me:

"I was broken. I was lost. I was beaten. I was forgotten. I was abandoned. I was unloved. God is fixing me. I was found. I am healing. I am unforgettable. I was adopted. I am loving me and I am here. Never again will I give my thunder away to those whose sole purpose is to block my rays."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)


  1. Hey, you look great! Love the blue dress.

  2. Thanks! That was a pic of me coming through it. ; )

  3. I see so much sadness in your eyes in spite of your smile and pretty hair styles and clothes. Time to stop hiding sweetie and it's time to heal.

  4. @ Blu Jewel: you are absolutely right. They say the eyes are the ports to the soul..well my soul hasn't been happy in a minute, but we are definitely making progress.

  5. You look great in all the pictures.
    Do you think if you practiced you may be able to help other people and that would help you? Just an idea...
    As I write this my children are driving me Crrrrazzzy!! I sometimes wonder how I'm going to get through the next 18+ years without going mad! ;0)xx

  6. @Chic Mama, i don't know..first i have to decide if this is something i want to commit too.. i don't want to be in another JOB, i am ready to be in a career.

    if you figure out how not to go mad, i will help you market your idea so you can make lots of money. : )