Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sexy Cocoa

Or Sexy Chocolate or Glitter.... I am even feeling Sparkle and SugaSnaps..

I don't know about you, but I gots an undercover stripper living in me. Now don't take this the wrong way, I am not a stripper and I am not trying to be a stripper, BUT I do profess to have some stripper tendencies.

I will drop it like it's hot...yeah it may get dropped off beat and a little out of rhythm, but it will still get dropped.
I told yall that I am planning on loving myself (not like that) and that means really exploring what I like and don't like. Because, I want to get married and well when he comes along and pops the question, I plan to be married within the next three days, so I ain't gonna have a lot of time to prepare, so I might as well get myself "wife" ready now.

Now, I don't have anything against strip clubs and strippers, per se. I just don't want my man in one. I don't want nobody but me dry humping him with a tantalizing lap dance...or touching his body or tickling his toes. Yeah, I am stingy and territorial. With that being said, I am not against swinging on a pole and doing stripper moves for him. I already got my routine downpact...well I have it put together in my head...and well, we all know that how it plays out in your mind is not exactly how it plays out in real time, so I know I needs to practice, and I'm okay with that. Nevertheless, I am still going come out to Chris Breezy's " Take You Down," it's something so sexy about that song...everytime I hear it, I just want to put on my stripper pumps and start sliding down a pole.I have been feeling like this for some time...awhile back, even before poledancing became popular, I used to price poles online.

I also want to role play, cuz if boredom is really why men stray, my man will be too tired, too confused, and too entertained to get bored.

As soon as time permits, I am going go get my body whipped into shape by learning the latest stripper moves. What about you, are you doing anything to get wifey ready and if you already married, how do you keep it spicy for yourself and for your mate?

"If you have found your Prince and he's ringed you up, good for yah, but if you still waiting for the Prince or his 3rd cousin's uncle, why don't you spend this time loving yourself and doing things that will make you a more marketable bride. It ain't nothing wrong with "backing that thing up" for yourself."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Let's Talk About Sex BABY


"Let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that we see, let's talk about sex" (SALT N PEPPER)..

Now if you thinking this is the time to grab your lotions, vaselines, oils, and towels, um, you might want to take a look at the upper right hand corner and proceed accordingly...

(Now That We Have Gotten That Outta The Way, Let's Begin)

Sex for me complicates things. It makes me stay when I should leave. And leave when I should stay. It makes me attracted to people I initially found repulsive and makes me engage in the horizontal, vertical, upside down twisted to the side mombo when the first two times weren't all that.

Sex turns my brain to mush, making it hard from me to determine whether it is LOVE or LUST... and I know some say what's the difference as long as I am getting mine. Well there is a differnce and the difference is, if it is Lust then I can keep it on lock until Love comes around.

Right now, I am practicing celibacy and it's like torture... I mean my body keeps calling for HIM morning, noon and night and inbetween those times. And when I am near his hood, it's like the heat in Love Jones has been transferred to my right and left thighs. When I see him, I get weak in the knees and everything perks up. And yeah I have had my moments of weakness where I have allowed him to brush up against me and linger too too long...but when it's all said and done I wonder, did i ever really love him, or did the sex alter my perception of reality. I mean we had some type of connection ( I won't say it was mindblowing because I don't want you searching for him...I am still very territorial when it comes to him even though physically he has moved on)

Gots me wishing I had held out just so I would know for myself if it was real. And if he was really ever worth my time.

"Sex is not something to be played can alter realities and fantasies into things unspoken... it can bind you to the mind, body, and soul of someone who was never supposed to be yours, it can make you stand in the bushes in your Ninja Suit, so if you aren't sure that it LOVE, LOCK IT UP."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

Monday, July 27, 2009

So He Didn't Put a Ring On It

So now what? What am I supposed to do? I mean I know I am not supposed to crumble or break down and cry...truth is I may have cried a lil river but I knew I would survive make it stop crying eventually soon enough.

And well, I have, sorta. I mean I can turn on my radio and hear No One or Heaven Sent and not have a deluge pour from my eyes.

But it still hurts, it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks... and even though it has been a year, or so, it feels like it just happened, it feels like just the other day he was holding me in his arms telling me that he loved me... (*cough*) and in the same breath telling me that he couldn't do this, that he couldn't be in a relationship, that he wasn't sure of what he wanted and that he couldn't ask me to wait around to decide if marriage was right for him.

I was devestated, but for all the wrong reasons. I was so busy worrying about whether I had played the fool, to let my feeling process and digest what had happened. I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't allow myself to feel the anger and rage that I needed to experience to allow myself to get to the point that I needed to get to so that I could find closure. All I was concerned about was whether I was going to be the laughing stock and if he had cheated on me.

"He's Just Not Into You" -- but what if he was? What if he was just too scared to man up? Or what if my prospective future scared him? What if he really believe that he was unworthy or that he could not provide for me adequately? And what if he was a reflection of the feelings that I had allowed to be manifested in me? What if this seemly perfect relationship had to sour because I needed to LOVE ME FIRST before I could even began to love someone else or understand the love they professed for me?

Well, my unwillingness to face the harsh realities of what had become of my love life is what left the door open to frequent longings and infrequent pity visits to quash those frequent longings. And well, I finally got tired of the ups and downs and twists and turns and mustered up enough courage to simply walk out and shut the door behind me.

And now I have decided to take this time to court me, to get to know me, to love me, to spoil me and so I shall....

This is a little something I wrote while I was going through it:

How Long Is It Gonna Hurt?

i tried hating you
i tried berating you
i tried filling that void by busying myself
i tried cutting all ties
and even did my final goodbyes
but i keep finding myself right back here
right back wondering
right back crying
right back engulfed in the sea of confusion
and, yes, even jealousy so,
i am just wondering how long is it going be
before i can be okay with knowing
there is no more u and me

Well, today I know that it will take as long or as short as I allow it to take. And I choose to not let it have power over me any more.

"Love is patient, Love is kind, Love endures all things, however, at times Love does hurt, and it hurts even more when you try to hold onto a love that you need to let if this is your situation, trust me when I say, let it go, shed your stream, river, ocean and keep it moving."


Sunday, July 26, 2009

Traffic Jams

I hate them in a car, I hate them on a boat, I hate them on a plane, I hate them on a bike, I hate them in my Nikes!!!! I hate traffic jams especially ones that happen for no apparent reason.

There is no accident. There is no construction. There is no feasible reason why we are at a standstill; yet, traffic flow has ceased or is a slight crawl.

Well that was what my life felt I was in a perpetual traffic jam. Now, when I was undergoing my many life transitions, I understood why my life was stagnant...and even when I had placed my life on cruise control and had fallen asleep behind the wheel, I understood that when I finally collided that the gapers were causing and going to cause a traffic jam because they did not understand that the best business was to have some business of their own. But, what I didn't understand was why my life was going so slow and there was nothing visible hindering my progress.

I'm so use to having the pedal to the metal and pushing it while the backdrops blurs in my rear view. However, it was something oddly strange about my slowing down, it was as if my spidysense had detected trouble, like the po-pos lying in the cut, ready to jump out with their sirens blaring.

I was not sure what was going on but my gut was telling me that I should just ease up on the gas for a second and ride the slow lane for a minute and take it all in and well, that's what I did and not a second too soon cuz that's when my engine light went on, my tire blew out, and something under the hood started to smoke...

And there I was, on the side of the road watching as I became a blur in the passerbyers rear view. It was there that I started thinking about that ticking sound that had been coming from under my hood for about a month or so, I kept telling myself that I would get it in to get it checked out and well------------------------ I guess I never found the time and now look at me.

So, now that I am stranded I have decided to see what else I have put off because I was too busy, or too tired, or too whatever to deal with it. AND boy believe you me, it seems like I have been putting off a lot of things that I could have taken care of today and was leaving them for tomorrow, and well, today i vow to make a change because all of this clutter and baggage is slowing up my progress.

"If you have been procrastinating about fixing something in your life, thinking that it will just go away, or figuring that you will get to it when you get to it, GET TO IT NOW...before it stops you in your tracks AND demand your undivided attention. Cuz, I'm not sure it's enough room for the both of us on this shoulder."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

P.S. So today I used some makeup and some accessories and while I wasn't Eva or Latifah flawless, I was fierce!!!!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Expecting a Full Return

So, I am not and probably never will be a girly girl. It's just not in me. I just don't have the time nor the energy to spend in the mirror every morning, noon, and night.

I mean geesh! First you gots to put it on, then you gots to touch it up to keep it on throughout the day AND then you gots to take it all off so you can do it all OVER AGAIN the next day..... yeah, I will pass.

BUT, I do think that it's beyond time for me to smooth out some of the rough edges, I mean I am a lady. *batting my eyes and gripping my gat, daring someone to state otherwise* And well today seemed as good as a time as any to get the ball rolling. So, I spent some money that I didn't really have to spare on some smoothing over tools.

I got me some makeup, I'm sure my cuzzo will be happy that she can finally throw away my makeup that's like 10 years old and been used like 3 times.. (i said i wasn't a girly girl) I also got me some accessories, I'm sure my other cuzzo will be elated cuz now I can stop borrowing hers. And I got me some high hopes and great expectations.....

I am hoping that the transition period for me to feel comfortable in all of this mess isn't a long awkward one and I am expecting my investment to pay high dividends... I mean, there is always room for improvement, and there's nothing wrong with sprucing up your FRESH.

Afterall, I have been so busy doing for others that I have been neglecting myself and well it's a new day, a new dawn and honey I'm about to Upgrade ME!!!!!

"If no one has told you that you are fly, know that I think you may not be as fly as me, but you are the flyest YOU around!"
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

Sistah Space

Is it me, or do we need a resolution when it comes to sistah's getting along with sistahs? I mean geez, is there a reason your face becomes so tight and twisted anytime someone you don't know or can't intimidate walk in the room?

Get it together....i mean do you need a hug? to blog so maybe you can deal with them issues you gots going on inside of you? Just because you a lightbright doesn't mean that you are the hottest or gonna to be the hottest thing walking..

and that, I gots to pray on it mess, um yeah, what you need to pray on is that you don't run into the wrong one or the right one who's having a bad day cuz they bound to bust you in the head til the white meat show, then again, that's just me.

just listening to these fools talk just made me say "thank you God for not making me a hater, I mean I am a lot of things but a hater ain't one." i don't have a problem going up telling a sistah that her hair is rocking, or her clothes are cute, and that her shoes are BANGING!!!! um, i am not going to go up to a sistah and tell her she gorgeous BUT i am also not going to be up in the corner rolling my eyes and sucking my teeth at her either saying "look at her, she thinks she is so cute."

So, on this journey of self-love, Imma have to shout out some of the wonderful, beautiful, dynamic sistahs that leave their footprints on my heart and perhaps even my soul.

"So if nobody has told you that you are beautiful and wonderful today, know that I think you are, and you are loved!!!!!"

*Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do*

Friday, July 24, 2009

I Wanna Be Loved

You ever felt that way? Just woke up one morning and was like:

"I want to be loved, inside and out. I want to be loved even when I spit, cuss, and shout. I want to be loved on my good days as well as my bad. I want to be loved when my hair 's did and when I can't even get a comb through it. I want to be loved when I am borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I want to be loved simply because I deserve to be loved, unconditionally."

Well, I have felt that way on plenty of occasions and got to looking around and found that I was all by my lonesome and I started to feel sad..okay, I'm lying, I got right down depressed... but then one day (not sure how many days had passed before that one day came, but the point is, it came) it hit me..

Gurl, you better love yourself cuz it's no telling when someone's gonna come around to do the lovin for yah..

And well, that's what dis here blog is about, me learning to love myself, that way when my Romeo, Casanova, knight w/ or w/o his armor, or my prince charming come, I will be able to tell him HOW I desire to be loved. Because the fact of the matter is, if I don't know what I like or what I want, then how will I know if the love he's offering me is going to be enough to last the test of time.

So please bear with me as I sort things out, now buckle up cuz I am sure we in for a heck of a ride.

And remember if noone has told you today that they love you, know that you are loved...

~Gotta Luv MOI Cuz I Sure Do