So now what? What am I supposed to do? I mean I know I am not supposed to crumble or break down and cry...truth is I may have cried a lil
And well, I have, sorta. I mean I can turn on my radio and hear No One or Heaven Sent and not have a deluge pour from my eyes.
But it still hurts, it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks... and even though it has been a year, or so, it feels like it just happened, it feels like just the other day he was holding me in his arms telling me that he loved me... (*cough*) and in the same breath telling me that he couldn't do this, that he couldn't be in a relationship, that he wasn't sure of what he wanted and that he couldn't ask me to wait around to decide if marriage was right for him.
I was devestated, but for all the wrong reasons. I was so busy worrying about whether I had played the fool, to let my feeling process and digest what had happened. I
"He's Just Not Into You" -- but what if he was? What if he was just too scared to man up? Or what if my prospective future scared him? What if he really believe that he was unworthy or that he could not provide for me adequately? And what if he was a reflection of the feelings that I had allowed to be manifested in me? What if this seemly perfect relationship had to sour because I needed to LOVE ME FIRST before I could even began to love someone else or understand the love they professed for me?
Well, my unwillingness to face the harsh realities of what had become of my love life is what left the door open to frequent longings and infrequent pity visits to quash those frequent longings. And well, I finally got tired of the ups and downs and twists and turns and mustered up enough courage to simply walk out and shut the door behind me.
And now I have decided to take this time to court me, to get to know me, to love me, to spoil me and so I shall....