Monday, July 27, 2009

So He Didn't Put a Ring On It

So now what? What am I supposed to do? I mean I know I am not supposed to crumble or break down and cry...truth is I may have cried a lil river but I knew I would survive make it stop crying eventually soon enough.

And well, I have, sorta. I mean I can turn on my radio and hear No One or Heaven Sent and not have a deluge pour from my eyes.

But it still hurts, it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks... and even though it has been a year, or so, it feels like it just happened, it feels like just the other day he was holding me in his arms telling me that he loved me... (*cough*) and in the same breath telling me that he couldn't do this, that he couldn't be in a relationship, that he wasn't sure of what he wanted and that he couldn't ask me to wait around to decide if marriage was right for him.

I was devestated, but for all the wrong reasons. I was so busy worrying about whether I had played the fool, to let my feeling process and digest what had happened. I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't allow myself to feel the anger and rage that I needed to experience to allow myself to get to the point that I needed to get to so that I could find closure. All I was concerned about was whether I was going to be the laughing stock and if he had cheated on me.

"He's Just Not Into You" -- but what if he was? What if he was just too scared to man up? Or what if my prospective future scared him? What if he really believe that he was unworthy or that he could not provide for me adequately? And what if he was a reflection of the feelings that I had allowed to be manifested in me? What if this seemly perfect relationship had to sour because I needed to LOVE ME FIRST before I could even began to love someone else or understand the love they professed for me?

Well, my unwillingness to face the harsh realities of what had become of my love life is what left the door open to frequent longings and infrequent pity visits to quash those frequent longings. And well, I finally got tired of the ups and downs and twists and turns and mustered up enough courage to simply walk out and shut the door behind me.

And now I have decided to take this time to court me, to get to know me, to love me, to spoil me and so I shall....

This is a little something I wrote while I was going through it:

How Long Is It Gonna Hurt?

i tried hating you
i tried berating you
i tried filling that void by busying myself
i tried cutting all ties
and even did my final goodbyes
but i keep finding myself right back here
right back wondering
right back crying
right back engulfed in the sea of confusion
and, yes, even jealousy so,
i am just wondering how long is it going be
before i can be okay with knowing
there is no more u and me

Well, today I know that it will take as long or as short as I allow it to take. And I choose to not let it have power over me any more.

"Love is patient, Love is kind, Love endures all things, however, at times Love does hurt, and it hurts even more when you try to hold onto a love that you need to let if this is your situation, trust me when I say, let it go, shed your stream, river, ocean and keep it moving."



  1. I really feel for you, actually tears welled up because I'm going through the same feelings. I was with my husband for 18 years and you can't just get over it overnight although I really wish you could.
    I hate the way feelings change so rapidly too, hate then love, then sadness etc...
    Good luck with it all.

  2. said for me to have my seatbelt on and I did cause this ride was bumpy with all kinds of twists and turns, but don't ever cry over a man who don't cry over you. I know that sounds stupid, right? But girlfriend, it wasn't you that he didn't want to marry; it was the fact that he was intimidated by your beauty, your selfworth and your strong determination. If they got a problem with it, then too bad, you are here to stay.

  3. @ Chic Mama, thank you. Yeah it is funny how we are taking the easy way out. And I think the hardest thing for me was realizing that he did not love me the way that I loved him...and even though he told me that we wanted two different things, I wanted it to be what I wanted it to be and that was for him to be back into me.

    @Queen, thanks for the love and support...and you are right, if I am not worth his tears, then I should not cry over him..but you know the heart doesn't work that way. You can't tell it who to love or when to stop loving.