Thursday, May 27, 2010

Staying in the Moment

Is "Worthy" advice but it's oh, so hard. It seems that life's lessons in love, finances, relationships...etc... always has us looking over our shoulders and wondering: If the grass ain't greener on the other side, why does it look so from my side of the fence. And if he wasn't right for me, why did it feel oh, so good? And if He won't give me more than I can bear, does He have to wait until I am right at that point before He says, 'Enuf?'

I am guilty of longing for the things of the Past, even though they weren't good for me when they were things of my Present, so I know that they shole as heck won't be good for me in my Future, yet, I still long.

I long for my childhood even though it wasn't much of one. I mean if I could do it all over again, I shouldn't because my childhood damaged me beyond compare. But, it's the only one I will ever have so what's a girl to do?

I long for Supa Dave even though in the end he wasn't so super at all. As a matter of fact, outside of the sex, where I did most of the work, it wasn't anything really super about him. I mean he played with my heart and emotions and took for granted my affection. I gave him the best part of me, the only part left that was capable of giving and receiving any type of affection and he took it and discarded it like it was 3 day old stale bread. It wasn't until I read his "friend's" blog that I realized this fool probably got some sick sort of joy from preying on females who had been beaten down by life and were just looking for someone to love them. And even though once the butterflies had left my stomach and my feet were firmly planted on solid ground instead of the clouds, and I could see clearly that I was in love with the man he could be and not the little boy he was, I still wanted to be wrong. I still wanted his love even though I knew his type of love wasn't the love I really wanted and it surely wasn't the love that I needed.

I long for old situations and opportunities...things that could never again be. I sit and contemplate how different my life would be if I shouldda, couldda, wouldda... not realizing that each and every time I do this, I am wasting more of my precious time and missing out on more of my present situations and opportunities. Each day is a blessing waiting to happen.

I know this. My mind knows this, but my heart...... it's stubborn sometimes. Sometimes my heart can't see the possibilities of tomorrow because it's still trying to get over the pain of yesterday. But I am resolved to learn to cut my loses and focus on my winnings, especially since lately I have been getting the house's share.

I am truly enjoying life even in the midst of turmoil. I am loving myself, the good, the bad, and all that falls in-between. This new path of life kinda mirrors my journey with my hair..some of my hair is sprouting out of control without much work needed on my part, other parts are growing but I have to help it along, and then there is a part that I really gots to roll up my sleeves and tend to because it's stubborn and wants to do what it wants to do, and right now it just wants to sit there and not grow.

So, I guess I am really going to have to work on staying in the moment... Staying in the Present so that when I get to my Future which will then be my Present, that I am still not looking back at my new Past saying I shoudda, couldda, wouldda.

"The very things that I am praying for relief from, I am holding on to, then questioning whether He is hearing me. Sometimes it's so hard for me to let go of Yesterday so that I can fully see what Today is bringing so that I can fully appreciate the blessings in store for me Tomorrow. But I have to, NO, I need to because GREATNESS awaits me...and you to."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Monday, May 24, 2010

Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth

In the eyes, ears and even in the crack of his behind if I have to!

And it ain't just because I don't trust people.

People may have good intentions but there is almost always a hidden agenda or bad motive behind it or mixed up in there some where. Trust me. Luv knows about these things.

So, I was going back and forth about whether I was going to blog about this ...but then something happened the other day to set me off and well, so here we are.

I don't do "therapy" any more because the Crime Victim's Unit does not pay any more for me to go but it still pays for Chucky. So CQP had told me from jump street not to worry about the money because if I still needed to see him after the money ran out that he would still see me that we would work something out because he believes in helping people ...blah blah blah. Yeah sounds good. Let's fast forward to the money well being dry... um, yeah he will still text me, and talk to me on the phone and see me, but I now gots to hear "you know I ain't being paid for this" or "I go over and beyond my call of duty for you" and GRANTED all of what is being said is true, but who cares. Who wants to hear knew I was poor when you met me. So, unless I can pay his fee, I won't see him.

I have an aunt that used to be rich...not sure of what her financial status is now that she is UNEMPLOYED...lmbo, I know I shouldn't be happy but you know what they say, "humble yourself before God humbles you." So anywho, my aunt lives next to R. Kelly. She has this phat house that um well let's see, only she lives in. But, if you ever in town and call months in advance to see if it's okay to stay with her, you will have your pick of the 5 guest rooms. Well, my aunt used to give me expensive gifts until I sent her a 10 page front and back letter the day I graduated from high school. Yes, even as a teenager, I was long-winded. But it wasn't the fact that she used to give me gifts, it was the fact that you had to thank her for these gifts every time you saw her or talked to her. When she came over she used inspect the things she had given me and my siblings, to see how well we were taking care of our things. Any time she would ask you to do something, she would rattle off everything she had ever done or given you...and be serious about it. And well, I don't know if you have picked up on this or not but:


I watched as my aunt used to buy my siblings, my cousins, my aunts and uncles and my mom. I'm sorry, my dignity wasn't for sell..not then and not now. So when my aunt told me that she would help with my college expenses if I x,y,z for her the next four years. I told her in a lot of words that she could kiss my black behind because unlike the other people in our family that she was buying, I was going somewhere and was going to get there with or without her.

When my father told me that he would help me get a car so I could get Chucky off the bus but that I would have to get this kinda car and call him at least once a week. I told him to take his money and shove it because if I had to walk until my feet fell off, that is what I was going to do before I have someone in another state dictate who I was going to call and what I was going to drive.

And now I have my other aunt trying to say that because she has watched Chucky a time or two that I need to go get her granddaughter and take her places with me. You say what? Lawd, father, please be with me because the one that will suffer in this situation is my funny looking cousin and not her my aunt, her grandmother.

People that know me, know that I will not ask for anything unless I absolutely without a doubt need it. That I definitely ain't running around trying to ask peeps to watch Chucky or C'sB. This year is probably the most I have been away from my child since he has been born. But he is about to be 7 going on 75..he pretty much watches himself.

Now I don't have a problem with saying thank you. I have been sending "surprise" thank yous this past month to peeps in my life that have really held me down. I sent my ICE a fruit basket with no return address or name attached to the card. You know how he figured out it was me? He said, "You are the only person I know that will give a gift and don't want to be thanked for it..everyone else wants you to know it was from them." I also don't mind getting peeps kids that get mine. Ask my Jill Scott. Cuz I can't take Fric anywhere without Frac. You just ain't gonna throw it in my face, especially when you ORIGINALLY supposedly did it because you wanted to help me out.

Yeah, never been a big fan of those TROJAN horses.

"Everything that glitters ain't gold and everything that says 'free' ain't free. Granted, we sell off a piece of ourselves everyday...but how many of us are willing to sell our souls for wooden nickels? Remember, the best gift is one that you forget that you gave."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

But that's exactly what I have to do if I want to get that good life I have always dreamed for myself and never shared.

It's funny how much our thoughts and other people's thoughts can have a hold on us. A hold so tight that it will stop us from growing and achieving our goals.

Well, Luv has tried pleasing everyone else in life and for those of you who know me, you know the GOOD LIFE has eluded me. That thing has stepped over me like I was some doodoo on the street.

Well, now I am about to chase it with everything I have left. I owe it to myself ..I worked hard for it and I am letting other people enjoy the fruits of my hard labor. Well, honey, Luv is here to tell yah that madness has come to a screeching halt! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, as a matter of fact if you owe me money, it's time for you to pay up. I think about all the days I have sat over here with no money in my pockets simply because I was too embarrassed to go ask somebody for money back that belonged to me. Not any more. I'm about to turn bill collector on these mugs.

I want a house with a nice, big backyard. I want a fence; it doesn't have to be a picket fence but a fence nonetheless cuz if your animal comes into my yard and does his business or messes with my garden, there will be a huge misunderstanding ending with your animal eating something from my yard that will make it sick. (i'm just saying, you have been warned) I want a dog but it will have to live outside...I ain't too fond of people smells let alone animals. I want a husband. Yup, I said it. I want me a man that will love me so hard and so deeply that I will forget that I was ever mistreated and unloved. I want another child...a less emotional one. I want to be financially stable if not secure.

And you know what?

I'm gonna get all those things and more..

"So many times in life we make ourselves uncomfortable in order to make someone else feel comfortable. We do more for others than we do for ourselves. We miss out on our dreams while helping someone else make their dream a reality. I am learning that before I can care about anyone or anything else, I have to make sure I am a priority in my own life because that's the only way someone else will make me a priority in theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

ALL I Have Ever Wanted....

For as long as I can remember......

I just wanted someone who was going to be there for me.
Who was going to cherish me and want me.
Who wasn't going to abuse me, mistreat me or harm me in any way.

10 years ago today, I went to the hospital...
Hoping, begging, praying that the fate that befell your brother wouldn't be your fate, too.
Here was my chance to love something, genuinely....and hopefully, in due time,
Get that love back in return.

We won the battle that day but lost the war the very next.....

And since then there has been an indescribable void in my life and I really didn't know what it was. I just went on with my day to day activities as if everything was okay. Stuffing my feelings and my thoughts to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Hell, to make me feel comfortable.

It wasn't until that day I was driving, late at night from ??? I don't remember, but probably doing something to distract me from taking care of the real problem at hand: me and my issues. I was listening to the radio and this song came on and it punched me in my gut. I started sobbing like I had just gotten news that my best friend had died. I had to pull over...I couldn't see through my tears. It took me a minute to realize that it had started to rain. I sat there in my dark car on the side of a dark road, listening to my sobs and the pelt of the rain against my windshield and to the lyrics of this song.....

I had never been moved like that by a song without already being in the moment. It was like my body was telling me, "Luv, we dying...yah gotta find love and quick cuz we about to flatline." And that's what I did. I found some quick love that proved not to be the love I wanted or needed. Yeah he loved making love to me and saying he loved me, but when it really counted, he left me standing in my usual position: ALONE. He wasn't at my graduation party for me to show off like a fur coat. He wasn't there helping me study for the bar or help me navigate through the pressures of the test. He wasn't there when I had to watch my cousin die from breast cancer. He wasn't there when that dude ran the light and crashed my car and almost took my life. He wasn't there when that little boy assaulted my child and flipped our worlds upside down...But he surely was there for the inbetween trying and often getting that good, good loving.

I started the internal process of letting HIM go and choosing to 'be loved' by me even if no one else would, simultaneously. I don't remember what I was doing. I just know I was tired of feeling below the ground. I remember I had untied the knot at the end of my rope and was sliding down. I remember turning on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts that were crowding my head. I remember hearing this song and wondering how someone could know what I felt deep inside. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I phoned my PIC and asked her to google the song and listen to the lyrics and see if she thought it was talking about me... She listened and she started calling out things in my life that had a hold on me, that had damaged me, distorted my view, and was choking the very life out of me...the very same things that had popped in my head when I heard the song and I knew right then, there was hope for me.

So I went ahead and took that first step...

And I have been walking ever since.......

"Today my soul opened up and I cried for that little girl trapped inside of me. I cried for all of the people that have hurt me. I cried for all the people that could not and did not love me. I cried for all the years I have squandered living in shame. I cried for my future that is waiting to be written. I cried because I no longer have to imagine being loved because I am...I prove it to myself everyday. "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Leaps And Bounds

I have been jumping over hurdle after hurdle after hurdle, and well some of them I have had to just knock down and step over.

It is what it is at the end of the day. It doesn't really matter how I get over them as long as I GET OVER IT.

And I have gotten over a lot of things. Like Safeway or SupaD as he likes to be called. I finally realized that I was in love with the possibility of who he could be and not with who he was and once I came to terms with that he may never realize his full potential, I kicked him to the curb. We still chat it up but it ain't like it used to be. I see his mouth moving but I don't hear a thang.

I have made great leaps with loving myself. Luv is truly in love with Luv and I think it shows. I am taking better care of myself. I am eating better. No more 2 and 3 hot fudge brownie sundaes a day. I have started eating salads for lunch and fruits for breakfast, unless OTIS is coming then all bets are off, I am trying to eat up everything in my house and your house too. I am courting myself trying to see what they things are that I am attracted to and what things about me turn me off. Yup, getting myself tight for my Mr. Right. Cuz, my Mr. Right bet not be your Mr. Right cuz my sharing days are long gone.

I have managed a household of 3 with very limited funds and not stressed too much about it. I am learning to rely upon Jah and leave doubt on the wayside. It has been a very challenging walk for me. I have gotten caught up on this hurdle a time or two. I want to do things my way, but I am learning that if I want to prosper I gots to get out of my own way.

Chucky is finally recovering from his Sept 4th incident. And that in itself gives me reason to smile.

I have been identifying things that I want to improve in my life and/or change and the qualities I need in a mate.

I need to be more patient and open to having someone assist me. But just in case this never happens, I need a patient, understanding, long-suffering man. I need someone who can look through my hard outer core and see down to the pits of my soul and know without a doubt that I love him even if I can't show it. To know that I have been hurt on so many occasions that I activated every safety precaution available to me.

I need to learn to listen and trust that the one speaking will not try and sell me a wooden nickle. I don't mind riding shotgun if I know I have a skilled driver behind the wheel. I need someone who will not lead us into destruction . I need someone who will speak lovingly to me, even when I am being a butt.

I need to show emotion in the instance that I am feeling that emotion. I have to open the gate sometimes before my visitors stop stopping by. I have to relinquish some control and let nature take it's course. I need a man who also will let me know without a doubt that I am his everything.

I need to continue working on loving me to the fullest. The more I love myself the more space I open up for others to love me. The more I treat myself good, the more also will follow suit.

I still have some things I cannot get over. Not sure why. It's not too high. Not too low. It's really just right but for some reason I am intimidated by what this leap would mean and so I avoid it hoping it will just up and disappear. I know it won't but there is no harm and wishing.

"Lesson Learned are things we can chalk up to the game. They aren't there to make us feel bad about ourselves but rather to give us a tool to measure how much we have grown. Embrace them, they are apart of you."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I surely do (smooches)

Monday, May 3, 2010

Letting My Hair Down

I don't do it often...

Actually, I couldn't remember the last time I just let loose, so I am guessing it was long overdue.

I mean I have been going through it, above it, under it and around it. So I figured I could use a little me time and well, I took it. I did something I haven't done in a long time, I treated myself.

That's right you read right, I treated myself to an all expense paid one day getaway. (well something is better than nothing right) I mean if it was just Chucky, I would have went for the weekend, but it's pushing it to ask anybody to watch Chucky's Bride two nights in a row.

I had a longing to see Monica. It's something about her voice, her songs that soothe my soul. I mean she has truly been through a lot and had to go through it while the world was watching and criticizing. Me, I just go through it in the comforts of my home...

So right around the time I was coming to terms that I needed to cry, I decided that I also needed to continue living, and that I needed to make an outward show that I was now living. I remembered that I used to treat myself to concerts all of the time. I was very fortunate to see my all-time favorite artist LUTHA three times. Oh, how I miss him so. I thought it would be fitting for me to see Monica cuz like her, I am Still Standing. Well, she wasn't performing in the DMV and the closest show to me was Atlantic City so I made it up in my mind that I would go. I asked a couple of my girlfriends if they wanted to join me... a few of my sistah friends were going through it too and I figured we would be great company for one another. If not, I would Still Stand by my lonesome.

The fact that I was on a tight budget did not deter me...when had I not been on a tight budget. The fact that I could not find a reasonably priced hotel did not deter me. If I had to sleep in my car, I would get there, I might not smell too nicely but I would be there.

Well, in the end, it all worked itself out. I got a really nice room for really cheap. I was able to implement Ms. Serenity's makeup techniques and enhance my divaness. And Ms. Monica herself (who sang her butt off) tweeted me back on Twitter. (yup, still floating)

So here are some pics of me letting go and letting loose, enjoy:

This dude was trying to push us into the water...I had to let him know that I was from the Chi and I would shank him.

"The more I treat myself the way I deserve to be treated, the more I realize that I am the ultimate prize. No longer checking for peeps who ain't checking for me cuz 'I am too fly for [anyone's] day to day'." (Monica StayGo)

~ gotta luv moi, cuz i surely do (smoooooooooooooches)