Sunday, January 24, 2016

When Dreams and Promises are Broken

It's a process that one has to go through before they can be made whole again.
Sometimes that process involves a lot of anger....
A lot of tears, yelling and screaming
Sometimes it involves a lot of cussing, if you the cussing type

No two episode or processes are alike, just like snowflakes; they may look the same but if you look
ever so closely, you will see that they are indeed different.

Pain has no boundaries.  Pain knows no names.   Pain will come like a thief in the night and will stay like a lover's scent.  It will wrap itself around you and embody you and try and seep down into your soul.

One of my sister-friends is in the midst of this pain.  This pain is trying to swallow her whole.  It keeps poking a finger in the hole in her heart that appears when the things in your dreams don't match up with reality.  I have traveled that road a time or two...

Haha, this is about transparency, who am I kidding, I'm still on that road.  I have my good days and my not so great days, but everyday I am making progress.  I shole ain't where I was when I started this journey.  I remember folks were trying to put me on that Sandra Bland watch.   *Le Sigh*

But I was suicidal.  Not really....but yeah a lil bit.  I wanted to sleep myself to death.  Ha and now faced with death, I don't know.   Some days I tell death and the debil to get behind me because I got things to do and people to see...and maybe even some people to do.

Other days, I'm like take me lord.  Take me before I send some folks to yah.  I be over here screaming, "I'm coming Elizabeth."

I am a walking contradiction.  An oxymoron.  I am an anomaly of sorts.  Just ask my doctors, not that they would tell you with HIPAA and all.   I am my biggest accomplishment and my greatest failure.  I am a work in progress that is still in the process of trying to pick up and put the pieces back together.

The shattered dreams of doing the right things and helping folks and paying bills on time etc etc would pan out into me having an exceptional life.  The shattered dreams of having my trust broken by someone who was supposed to care for me and our seed only to see them make moves to hurt us financially when they shole ain't ante'upin' a dollar let alone 15 cents for someone that was part of their master plan ~ not mine.

The shattered dreams of thinking love would be enough.  The broken promises of forever that turned into never. 

It's something when your world comes crashing down and you no longer have the curtains, smoke and mirrors or mask the first to hide behind.  It's something when you are laid bare in front of all who care to see your nakedness.  It's something to be judged by folks who are steadily pushing skeletons into closets, drawers, and under beds.

You can't rush mourning.  You can't rush pain.  You just have to sit with it and in time, after you let nature take its course, you will be able to gradually get up and start to pick up the pieces to your life and put them back together.

"Things will never be the same after a major fall, but that's okay because scrapes, bruises, cracks, dents and the such add character, depth, value and wisdom to the journey.  Just remember to get back up."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ smooches

Saturday, January 23, 2016

My Soul is Crying Out

and it's time for me to listen....

I have been here, trying to find the time to blog what's been running around in my head.  But one thing after another, seemed like my "do nows" would never ever end.  I was prepping for a surgery that I wound up not being able to have.  I was prepping to say my "goodbyes" just in case it was the end.  Death is real and something that I have to think about on a regular basis because I never know when this cancer bug is going to really go in.

I have loss so many loved ones and friends since my battle began.  My liver's remorse takes me under again and again.   Just today, someone told me that my "brushes with death have been plenty and why do [I ] think [I] am still here?

I don't know.  I wished I did so that I could possibly never let that event happen so I can stay here on a good day or go ahead and do it so I can take part in the eternal sleep on a bad one.

My uncle died and folks had a lot to say about how his homegoing should be but didn't want to ante' up with no dough.  Then my cousin wanted to come for me when she knows very well that unless I send for you, you should leave the sleeping lioness alone.  Talking about it was unfair for me to post about her mama on social media.  Ha, I didn't post just about her mama seeing how I used no names, but if the shoe fit, pick it up and kick yourself in butt with it cuz I am so tired of folks, whether they playing the victim or the saint.  How her mama figure my father her brother should pay for their brother's funeral by himself and she would pay him back, knowing good and well she ain't paid nobody back my entire life?  And why she think I should be the one to call and ask him especially since I ain't talked to the man since he said what he said about his grandchild not being welcomed there if he tied the knot again.  I can't I won't and I didn't.

I have learned a long time ago that people make time and spend money on things that they feel are important.  My uncle their brother uncle what have you was not important enough for them to get off not even $10 dollars to contribute to the pot.  Me, I loved my uncle.  I was his favorite and he was well my second favorite, his other brother was my heart.  I remember when our relationship changed and why and also how that changed my relationship with my father.  So our love was complicated but he loved me best when it counted the most so I did what was in my heart and used my medicine money to get him turned to ashes before he totally rotted out.

My cousin asked why did it matter so to me.  Said I didn't even speak to my grandmother who was 80 something years old and that I needed to forgive her blah blah blah.  Ha, let me tell you basically what I told her.  I have forgiven her but folks mistake forgiving with things going back to what and how they were before.  Uh-uh-uh.  That's not how forgiveness works.  Forgiveness is so I can be open and free to continue progressing in life.  If my grandmother died today, I would not go to the funeral and I would not put money in the pot but I also wouldn't be running around talking about how she was my favorite, or I was her favorite, or how she lived with me ... nope, none of that.  I wouldn't say much past, "Condolences" and I really don't care what or how anyone would feel about it because I am okay with being me.  I am very comfortable with using "No" as a complete sentence. 

"Everyone doesn't deserve a seat at your table and likewise, you shouldn't break bread with those who are only trying to feed you the scraps or the leftovers."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches