Saturday, January 23, 2016

My Soul is Crying Out

and it's time for me to listen....

I have been here, trying to find the time to blog what's been running around in my head.  But one thing after another, seemed like my "do nows" would never ever end.  I was prepping for a surgery that I wound up not being able to have.  I was prepping to say my "goodbyes" just in case it was the end.  Death is real and something that I have to think about on a regular basis because I never know when this cancer bug is going to really go in.

I have loss so many loved ones and friends since my battle began.  My liver's remorse takes me under again and again.   Just today, someone told me that my "brushes with death have been plenty and why do [I ] think [I] am still here?

I don't know.  I wished I did so that I could possibly never let that event happen so I can stay here on a good day or go ahead and do it so I can take part in the eternal sleep on a bad one.

My uncle died and folks had a lot to say about how his homegoing should be but didn't want to ante' up with no dough.  Then my cousin wanted to come for me when she knows very well that unless I send for you, you should leave the sleeping lioness alone.  Talking about it was unfair for me to post about her mama on social media.  Ha, I didn't post just about her mama seeing how I used no names, but if the shoe fit, pick it up and kick yourself in butt with it cuz I am so tired of folks, whether they playing the victim or the saint.  How her mama figure my father her brother should pay for their brother's funeral by himself and she would pay him back, knowing good and well she ain't paid nobody back my entire life?  And why she think I should be the one to call and ask him especially since I ain't talked to the man since he said what he said about his grandchild not being welcomed there if he tied the knot again.  I can't I won't and I didn't.

I have learned a long time ago that people make time and spend money on things that they feel are important.  My uncle their brother uncle what have you was not important enough for them to get off not even $10 dollars to contribute to the pot.  Me, I loved my uncle.  I was his favorite and he was well my second favorite, his other brother was my heart.  I remember when our relationship changed and why and also how that changed my relationship with my father.  So our love was complicated but he loved me best when it counted the most so I did what was in my heart and used my medicine money to get him turned to ashes before he totally rotted out.

My cousin asked why did it matter so to me.  Said I didn't even speak to my grandmother who was 80 something years old and that I needed to forgive her blah blah blah.  Ha, let me tell you basically what I told her.  I have forgiven her but folks mistake forgiving with things going back to what and how they were before.  Uh-uh-uh.  That's not how forgiveness works.  Forgiveness is so I can be open and free to continue progressing in life.  If my grandmother died today, I would not go to the funeral and I would not put money in the pot but I also wouldn't be running around talking about how she was my favorite, or I was her favorite, or how she lived with me ... nope, none of that.  I wouldn't say much past, "Condolences" and I really don't care what or how anyone would feel about it because I am okay with being me.  I am very comfortable with using "No" as a complete sentence. 

"Everyone doesn't deserve a seat at your table and likewise, you shouldn't break bread with those who are only trying to feed you the scraps or the leftovers."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches

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