Thursday, January 22, 2015

Dear Me,

I don't always get it right, no matter how hard I try.  There is so much that has affected me when it comes to giving my heart.  I know it's crazy for those who have never walked my path, but I have been so broken that I am scared to even love myself.

Wonderful things have happened since I let them balloons go up.  I created space that allowed love to seep in.  Some love I could readily accept, other, I have to push on back out...everything ain't for everybody.  I went from faking it til I make it, to walking the walk instead of talking the talk.  Not only did I feel so lady, but I looked it too.  It was illuminating from my soul with such a glow that people often stopped me on the streets to inquire about it.  It's much to be said about a love so strong that it makes it impossible to hide because every inch of your body is telling on you.  Kool-aid smiles, skips in my step, song in my voice and glowing skin, all that from just letting love in.

It was a feeling that I never wanted to let go, a feeling that made all of those other awful experiences seem so far away, a feeling that I never wanted to forget, a feeling that I wanted to commemorate just in case I never felt this way again.

Loving you was allowing me to love me.  Wanting to give you my best meant that I had to first achieve my best.  I can't give you something that I don't have.  I embarked on the journey of self-love full of hope and excitement...I had finally tasted what it felt like to stand in the light of unconditional love.  From that love, I found the strength to tackle things that had held me paralyzed in fear for months....even years.  And before I knew it, I was sitting in a tattoo parlor declaring my love for all to see... and how fitting that tat was!

Gotta Love Me before I can truly love anyone else, and trust me when I say, "I love me some ME!"

"True love can't be denied, opening your eyes to a whole new world, a brand new day.  Can't you feel it?" ~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do......Smooches

Sunday, January 18, 2015

No Winners Here

Loving my borrowed boo for as long as I can, then what?  There is no happily ever after and if his other side finds out, it would be devastating for all parties involved. 

 I wish her no ill-will and didn't set out to wreck or take nothing.  I don't know much about she, more than he knows I know, but not much more.  I don't know if they were happy....I don't know if they were sad... I don't know if they were having problems...I don't know and didn't want to know.  All I knew was that I had been searching my entire life for someone to look at me like their day didn't began until they saw me.  To have a connection so strong that they knew when something was wrong without me even speaking.  To know a love that could make me forget all of the pain caused by those before him.  To be comfortably awkward in my own skin.          

I wanted to be loved the way I was currently loving on myself:  free and unapologetic. 

It wasn't a physical kind of love, it was more so an emotional kindred kind of love.  He had my heart even before I knew it was gone.  I was telling my PIC how this man I could grow old with and push him around in his wheelchair...I could build a future and not have a want or a care.  So imagine my surprise when I swallowed the fear that had swelled up in my throat and asked him what this was all about from his end...was he having a mid-life crisis,  was this something to do, was he looking to carve out notches, was he bored and feeling blue, what exactly was causing him to do the thing he was about to do....

His answer was raw and almost storybook perfect.. "I don't know, my heart's  not working...well, it's working  just not the way it's supposed to be working because everyday I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you...I believe you are someone I could have built a future with, together."

Our souls are tied together but this isn't where either one of us's time for us to dust ourselves off and return to our respective homes cuz the honeymoon is now over and yes, I am standing her trying to be a big girl about it, but Imma need more than these broken-hearted.

"Some roads are better off not traveled at all."  Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Things Got Personal....

We shouldn't had stayed for awhile....but we did.   And now I am sitting here trying to process how so many beautiful moments could be so not right.

 There were no writings on the wall to be read; we went down that rabbit hole eyes and hearts wide open, daring to walk that forbidden path.  Me believing I could handle it because my heart was really ice ice cold; he, I don't know, I can't speak for him.  There was no honor in what I did, even though these new fangled shows would lead you to believe that it's okay to bite the forbidden fruit.  It wasn't....

I remember the first time I heard the Best of Me, my whole soul smiled and my mind instantly started thinking of all the fun I had laughing and joking with the person who was unbeknownst to me, thawing my arctic heart.  The feeling I felt when his face lit up when he discovered me in a crowded room....Amazing.   The feeling I felt when he rang to check on me and Chucky (who by the way is no longer acting like the second coming of Lucifer so we will have to bless him with a new name)...Amazing.  The feeling I felt when he willingly gave me his undivided attention...Amazing.  The feeling I felt when I sat in his car for the very first time and he went through his playlist and settled on this song...sheepishly looking at me....beyond Amazing; I definitely wanted to stay for awhile.  And I wanted him to have the best me.

My heart had been so traumatized at the hands of so many, starting with the folks that brought me into this hateful world.  I didn't ever think that I would get to the point where I was truly open to love, open to being vulnerable and trusting someone with all of me, to truly stand bare, naked in front of someone again.   I never meant for this to happened.  I told myself that the connection I felt with him was because he reminded me so much of who I used to be:  caring, giving, looking out for the common man.  I told myself that the little hints I thought he was dropping were just in my head.  I told myself that I didn't want to travel down this road, not ever again.  I told myself that I had too much to lose and so did he.  I told myself that everything about him was wrong for me...

I was drawn in by the unspoken.  By how safe I felt with him.  I found myself telling him my deepest darkest secrets and fears and feeling okay with that.  I was hoping to push him away, but it only seemed to draw him in.  I knew that we could never have a happy ever after, but that didn't deter me.  I knew there was never really going to be a we, but I was still happy.  I knew that when it was all said and done, I would be by my lonesome, and still I pressed on.  It seemed so natural.  I felt so free.  Not only was I having fun loving him, I was having a blast loving me.

His love changed me.  It healed me.  It freed me.  That doesn't make what we did right; it just made it worthwhile.

"Sometimes good does come from doing bad, but the good will never outweigh the bad."  ~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do....Smooches

Lesson Not Learned...

It's been a long time since I have been here.   A long time since my mind has sat quietly enough for me to get my thoughts to stop racing.  I have been in lust and finally in love, and they both have ended up the same....
with me ALONE. 

I think May 2013 I was finally ready and able to let go of the hurt and pain I had sentenced myself to for allowing my babies to die.  For allowing myself to be raped.  For allowing myself to suffer in silence.  It's hard to come to the light when you have become darkness biggest fan, but I was finally there.  Finally able to step into the light and allow myself to move on from that spot of perpetually pain and move on from subjecting myself to people who would further punish me by mistreating me.  

I was involved with a guy who try as I might to fool myself into loving him, because everybody needed love, I could not.  There were fleeting moments but for the most part I just wanted to help him see that his parents probably got a check for him and just didn't tell him. He was nice enough on most days so I wanted to try and make it work, but as my friend quickly pointed out, this was a recipe for disaster. I could not seriously date someone that I thought was autistic so that I could fix him.  And she was right cuz on the non-most days he just wound up frustrating me with his one dimension thinking and tunnel vision as that he was the light and everyone else was wrong and in the dark.   

Letting him go was relatively easy, which was a shock because even the ones that had treated me badly, I had to go through a process to let go, not him.  I started giving him what he gave me, straight foolishness.  Not seeing texts or hearing the phone ring.  Scheduling dates that I had no intentions of keeping, and pretty soon he saw the writing on the wall and got ghost and I was good.  I was standing in the light and I knew what I deserved and he with his digging up his nose and wiping it on his pants was not it. (double ewww)

It's true what they say, when you step out of your way, a whole lot of things can happen for you.  So, despite the fact my touch of cancer had started kicking my tail, I was determined to bring my vision board into fruition... I was going to have some financial security and I was going to have love, laughter and I was going to live it up!

Well, I am not sure when it happened or really how it came about, all I know is that one day I looked up and found myself looking forward to interacting with a certain someone.  It was weird because I didn't see it coming nor did I plot, plan and maneuver things around to make it happen.  It just did when it shouldn't have.

Taboo love is said to be exciting because it is forbidden...this love was exciting because it felt felt old and yes it felt REAL .... yes, I am talking about that real love that makes you wake up and go to sleep smiling....the kind that makes your voice smile when you are talking to one another...I am talking the kind that you instantaneously know that you could build a future with this person...grow old and stay happy.

Yeah I had found that couple of forevers kinda love that needed to be that see you next lifetime kinda love.

What's one to do when love comes a looking for you?

"Chances, Choices, and Consequences:"  ~smooches, Gotta Luv Moi cuz I surely do