Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Help I'm Drowning & Being Eaten Alive

This is my life right now.
It's like I have a lot of life or death emergencies going on at the same time and I don't know which one to address first; so, I equally don't address any of them.
Makes a lot of sense from where I am sitting.
So we have established the fact that I am supposedly dying.  Supposedly because I don't quite believe it.
Nope, not even when I am over here bent over in excruciating pain and my pee is a color of dark muddy waters.  (TMI?)

I am drowning in a sea of emotions.
I love HIM. And I am fascinated by him. I tolerate him. But I need none of these hims.  Boys suck!!!

So HIM calls me to basically use me.  I really can't be mad because typically when I call HIM it's to use HIM or his services.  Difference is, I am available when he calls and he, not so much.  We have a weird connection.  Similar hurts still pain us.  But we are still so different.  I believe in Christ and he believe he is Christ.  So there's no future in our looks, in our playfully sometimes inappropriate caresses.  We are the same but oh so different.

him has always fascinated me...or is it frustrated me.  So straight to the point, so callous.  so real.  almost too real.  A huge piece to the puzzle I call my childhood. Not sure him belongs in my present and definitely not my future.  It looks like he was broken and is now beyond repair.  The lifestyle he appears to be living would  send me spiraling downward.  I am a one man woman and need my man to be a one woman man.  He seems to be enjoying his freedom and even that fascinates me because it's a straight contradiction of who he used to be.

him season is well past done so I just tolerate him for the time that I need to tolerate him.  It's funny because I used to be so in love with the thought of having him in my life. Now, I find myself constantly asking why did I go against my gut.  Why do I always feel the need to give lowlifes a chance.  What's done is done... I have learned the lesson and I am actively moving on.

I am still searching for love...
But, it doesn't seem like I am quite ready to receive it...
But I am running out of time, so I am trying to rush it
Thing is HIM, him, and him aren't the answers but I don't want to let them go
I am running out of time...
Even though I really don't believe it
I need to shake myself loose and head for the surface
But instead I just continue to hold my breath

"I am only as strong as my resolve."

~Gotta love moi, cuz I surely do.  Smooches~