Sunday, December 30, 2012

Full Bloom

I started this blog for one purpose and by golly I am almost there!

Loving me ....

wow, what a journey it has been.
but it was well worth it.
there are some things that i will be sad about that i haven't accomplished
or that i did wrong
when i finally close my eyes for good
but learning to love myself won't be one of them

I wish that it was re-learning but my parents never taught me to love myself
how could they, when they were struggling with loving each other and themselves
probably why their marriage never had a chance of working
you can't build anything solid on a broken foundation.
especially not without love

my whole entire life, i have been chasing love
and running from it at the same time
makes a lot of sense, huh
love is patient, it is kind ... it endures all things
so what happens when the 'love' you see falls short?

you chase it but you don't do your best to catch it

just because things are, doesn't mean they have to be
i found that out by tearing down all of my walls
and taking a chance on loving me
oh how my world has changed....even with this lil cancer I have
i am the happiest i have been in a very long time
i am participating instead of watching life from the sidelines
folks around me have followed suit

so as another year is about to dawn
and more resolutions are about to be broken
i am content on doing what i have been doing these last 3 years
pushing forward while moving out of my own way
all while i continue to learn how i need to be loved
so i can fully tell my KISA when he finds me

"it's never too late to change things from what they are to what they need to, life, love, it all will change when YOU make the steps to change it"

~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I surely do .......smooches

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Sweeping the clouds away....

I would be lying if I didn't say that I thought that my sunny days would be here by now.  *insert long heavy sigh*  I mean I had it all mapped it since I was yay high.  I was going to take over the world with my boys and the select few girls who didn't irritate me, by my side.  Things were going to be lovely.  I was going to live in a fat house that my girl designed.  Ha, that joker is now a pilot turned professional Peter Pan like myself.  I guess if I ever get rich enough to purchase my own plane, I can hire her to fly me where ever; it would be like old times: blank mission after blank mission

Some days I hate being a grown up even though when I was little, I couldn't wait to be one.  Responsibility is soooo overrated.  I was never allowed to be a child, even though I knew how to be in a child's place.  The things that I experienced should not been mine to experience. I spent my entire childhood trying to escape into adulthood and I have spent most of my adult life trying to recapture the childhood I didn't have.  A vicious non-fulfilling cycle.

Life is about choices, so they say.  But sometimes our choices are made for us, never believe they are not.  However, we still have a choice how we decide to respond to the choices that were made for even when we believe we have no control, we really possess all of the control.  So what am I getting at with all this mambojumbo rhetoric crap?  Nothing really, then again everything going on in my life right now.

I did not choose to be sick.  However, I have the power to choose how and when I fight this sickness.  Folks who are privy to what is going on with me almost always exclaim how good I look.  This is always funny to me because I can't for the life of me figure out how I am supposed to look seeing how they just found out that I was sick.  But, I do get it.  I don't look like tomorrow may be my last day. *shrugs*  Like I told you before, my Nan told me that just because I was playing/living the part, I didn't have to look the part.  So yes, I am sick, but I don't choose to walk around looking least not as long as I can help it.

It's funny how God will come in and humble us.  I used to believe I couldn't let anything slide, ESPECIALLY when someone was trying to play my face.  Now that I have this enlarged heart, I choose to let just about everything slide...UNLESS it's dealing with my child (I keep 911 on speed-dial for emergency heart malfunctions).

It's soooo many things about my life that I wanted to change but didn't quite know how to get from A to B but now I know all I have to do is choose to make the choices that will get me to my final destination in the most joy-filled manner possible.

"Change is about making the choices that will give you the desired results with the least amount of stress and the most fulfillment"

Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely do (Smooches)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Not Dead....Yet

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I say what doesn't kill you makes you crazier.  I am tanking out, seriously.   There is so much to do, so little time (literally).  Some days I feel so overwhelmed and other days, underwhelmed.  That cold and hot with no inbetween.   But I am blessed...

.....beyond compare.

God has me, this I know. But it's the knowing and doing that I have a problem with.  For sooooo long I have been just flooring it; running over things and people who get in my way, pushing, pushing, pushing, forward to brighter, better days.  But the reality of the matter is, God has been moving things and people out of my way.  He has been taking care of me EVEN when I have failed to take care of myself.

So why should this time be any different?

Recently I drove 4 states away through the mountains doing an average of 85 mph...up and down the mountains at awesome speeds.  Just taking in the beauty that reassures me that there is a God and what a wonderful Mastermaker is He.  Well, imagine my despair when I got to my destination and realized I had no rear brakes.  Not a one.  It was metal to metal and then the point that I had to get my rotors buffed out (or whatever they did to reshape them)  As I sat there and thought about how many times I could have become airborne, I almost cried.  All I could think was that God takes care of babies and fools!

So glad I am still seen as a babe in God's eyes.

What a blessing that He didn't allow anything to happen to me and my child. As the bills pile up (bags full), I have to remind myself of what God has allowed me to accomplish with a monthly income of less than $900.  I have not miss my primary mortgage payment yet. (all glory goes to God)  I have taken care of two kids, one of which does not belong to me. (all glory goes to God)  I have made huge leaps and bounds in becoming a better me (Luv is loving herself and YASSSSS, all glory goes to God)!  So what's eating me?

My panties are all in a bunch.

There comes a time when God does remove his loving-kindness and His grace.  He did it with his son.  And he was perfect.  What if this is the time that I am allowed to reap what I have sown?  What if all the stops have been pulled out?  What if this is the end and for somethings I am just a little too late?  I am sick and I have been ignoring it for a very long time.  But it's no ignoring it any more.  I know He has me and that His will, will be done.  But, I am a realist.

I rationalize just about everything.

I've been saving to buy a juicer because I have really lost my appetite to eat and when I do eat, I feel so sick afterwards that I don't want to eat again.  A few days ago, I got a text from a friend telling me to meet them Sunday because they wanted to give me a juicer.

Ain't God good?!

"Even when we are tanked out, way past empty, we have to remember that as long as we are drawing in air, that He is able and willing to fill us back up, if we just allow Him to"

~Gotta Luv Moi, cuz I Surely do (smooches)

Thursday, June 28, 2012

No Longer a Caged Bird

I am flying free.
The eminence of death will do that to you.
It will force you to free yourself from all the things and people that really don't mater.
It will make you ask the hard questions and say things unfiltered.
Out of all of the folks in my phone, all 200+ names and numbers, 32 were selected to get a personal phone call if what they are calling to happen, comes to pass.
No rhyme, no reason...
My soul picked them, not my mind
Maybe they left footprints on my soul
Maybe they had made me a priority
Maybe they kept it real with me more often than not
Maybe they had given me the same consideration
I don't know
I didn't question it, I just went with the flow
I didn't force it or even review it, cuz when it is all said and done, it is what it is
Can't worry about hurt feelings and the whatnots. All that trivial stuff is just that... trivial.  It's funny because we about to separate the Friends from the frienemies...haha and some folks about to get a wake up call.  Folks who have secretly applauded my setbacks feena find out publicly that yeah, they not high on my priority list.
Focused like never before to move out of my own way and to keep pushing to the end.  Living and loving and forgiving ME.  Get your lighters out because you gonna want to see an encore.  Living without limits because I am finally free.

"Life is short so pack as many moments filled with everlasting memories as you can cuz you only live once."

~ Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Saturday, June 23, 2012

My Time is Running Out

Tick tock, tick tock, the seconds of my life are being measured out and well I am no more motivated to do anything about it than I was before I found out my untimely fate.

People take life for granted...thinking that we have all the time to get things right, to get the things we want and need and to say the things we want and need to say and of course to do all the things our hearts desire when the reality of it is LIFE IS HECKA SHORT!

Next week sometime I go find out exactly how long I have to get my mind right to decide to fight.  Fight for this life that has not had many sunny days...guess it's a blessing that I am so fond of the winter.

My body is shutting down, it's has had enough and well my heart and soul is right there with it. There is only so much you can ink on a page...I wish I could begin to explain the sorrow deep in my heart.

They told me that I am dying of a broken heart.  That if they could mend my broken heart they could begin to fight the cancer that is causing havoc on my organs.  I laughed and told them that I guess we know now where broken hearts go and it's not back home. They told me that they can save me, but I have to want to be saved.  I told them I was no Ho'.  They told me that I had to follow everything they told me to do to the T or they will kill me trying to save me.  I told them I was in the process of getting my burial stuff paid for cuz I was very confident of who I was and how this was going to play out.

I remember being mad at my favorite Unc for refusing to do what the doctor said to do and to quit smoking so he could live.  I remember being mad at my Aunt, his sister for refusing to take her insulin shots so she could live.  I snicker cause I know there will be those mad at me for refusing to change my colors to live.  But now I get it... sometimes when it is all said and done, all you have is your right to do what you what to do for you regardless of what everyone else thinks is best for you.  My Unc loved smoking, it was a part of his life, they couldn't tell him that the cancer would be in remission for the rest of his days so he decided to live out what days he had left doing what he did best, chain smoking.  He smoked a pack the day he finally closed his eyes for good.   My Aunt didn't like needles and there was no way in H-E-LLO that she was going to be sticking herself for the rest of her was a lot of things she could stomach but that wasn't one of them and she refused to live her life like that and so she went into a coma and died before I could ever get to meet her, even though many say I have her spunk : )

Me... I don't know what my issue is.  I just don't want to do it.  The medicine is nasty and now I am always nauseous or in pain and I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling like I am eternally pregnant.  I have suffered enough and I am done.  I am tired of fighting. Of overcoming. Of trying to make a way. When this first regimen of juice and berries is gone, I am done.  Not going to waste no more money on it...nope, I plan to spend the rest of my days, hours, minutes, seconds on creating Moments that create lasting memories for me and my child... I plan on living like tomorrow isn't promised to me because it really isn't.

"Life is precious and unpredictable so we have to make sure we get from it what we can and leave the nonsense and drama in the backdrop."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Knocking on Death's door

i have been a knocking for some time now, it would seem unbeknownst to me so many questions, so few answers so it would seem that this here blog, this hear practice of learning to love Luv was actually my body's scream for help to save me i am dying of a broken heart, amongst other things when you have loved as i have loved and had the very essence of your being ripped away ....well it's easy to kind of give up and give way time isn't on my side, racing against the clock trying to gain valuable seconds indifference isn't going to get me there, but i can't seem to muster up the ump to get me there, or anywhere for that matter i am not afraid of dying, it's a naturally unnatural process that i have mentally prepared for a long time ago. but there are some things i would like to do over, do again, correct, do better....etc. there's so much running through my mind and on my heart and i don't really want to share it with anyone. i just want to be one with me to kinda process this mess, to get a master plan to beat this mess i don't want to die and my heart doesnt want to fight...whats girl to do?

Monday, May 7, 2012

Protecting My Queen

Lol, so everything is changing, yet everything is staying the same.  I guess this new layout is a bit more cleaner....i have heavier things to muse about so I will let the small stuff be just that ~ small.

I hate playing games, even when I am good at them.  And right now it feels like I am in a game, one that I have played before.  Different hand, same moves.  I am confused because I know that this is probably the final test before the ultimate breakthrough.  Do I sacrifice everything to save the Queen?  Do I go down fighting and lose it all?

I loved him.  I cannot deny it.  It shows when his number appears in my caller i.d.  It shows when he looks at me and smiles.  It shows when he calls my name.  It just shows which is why I don't play poker.  I still have feelings for him or my heart wouldn't get that twinge of pain every times he mentions one of his follies names.

I don't know what I want from him.  I don't know what I want for him.  I don't know why we are back at this place in this space walking around the giant elephant.  Too much has happened.  Too much time has passed.  They say time heals all wounds, but the truth of the matter is that love covers all and time just gives us the space to realize this.

I need to free him so he can let me be because when a person shows you who they are, you need to believe them.  He has showed me that he will leave me in my darkest hour.  What more is there to see?  True people change, but only when they see fit to do so.  Is he there....the million dollar question.

I know what I want.  I also know what I need.  He is a nice combination of both, so it seems.  My heart calls out to him, followed by my body.  My mind, yeah my mind is telling me to pull up the draw bridge and to blow up the Trojan Horse.

Why is it that we cannot walk away from the derailing train?  Why do we have to go down with it?  Even knowing days are numbered I still stick around hoping to turn the tables and to capture his Queen with my Knight.  It's a shame that instead of offending I risk the chance of being subjected to serious pain in the very near future.

"Things are changing and have changed but some things remain the same because we protect it instead of sacrificing the little thing to save the thing that holds the most value."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Starting a New Book

i love you & i've loved you for a very long time...
i was so insecure, so broken, so mad, so NOT the me that I wanted to be when i met you.
i was so angry and so down that nothing you did made my smile last or erase the feeling that i really didn't want to be around you.
i wanted to love you....i wanted to know that you would love me forever & a day
i thought that if i sexed you up good, you would stay.
but then i started hating myself because i was better than that...i'm sure you knew that
i hated you for a long time
i was so hurt and so confused ~ but once again i was trying to use sex to validate my space, confirm my place in your life.
but i am better than know that
i love you and have loved you for a long time and probably always will
sure folks know you as the store but they also know you as HIM

HIM ~ the one i think of when i am lonely
HIM ~ the one i want to run to when i am scared
HIM ~ the one i want to grow old with
HIM ~ the one i want holding my hand to the very end

i wish i could say it didn't hurt
i wish i could say that i won in the end
i wish i could say that we rode off into the sunset
i wish i could make time stand still
i wish i had seized more moments
so i would have more memories to share

but i am done looking back and analyzing this story of you and me
i can honestly say that i am finally free
i understand your season and am grateful for the lesson
i fully understand that LUV is capable of loving
and it all started with me loving ME

"Sometimes you have to give thanks even when you don't see the blessing because I know God hasn't forgotten about lil ole me."

Gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do (smooches)

Thursday, March 8, 2012

31 Day Reset ~ Day 6

I put this 'L' up on my chest...or back (cuz this is a cape and not a superhero suit)

Anywho ~ todays assignment is to write a personal mission statement..basically a one liner or more telling you and the world and most importantly who and what LUV stands for... it's so important to define yourself or you will find yourself becoming someone else #mytruth

I value love in its purest form. I love to love and want to love and be loved. I value people that choose to not only think before they speak but who just plain ole think for themselves. I value people who are genuine and loyal....who are not just getwiths and yes sirs....who will let me know when I am right and when I am wrong and love me through it all. I am a very giving person and therefore value and appreciate other giving folks, whether it is time, money, services etc I will share my story... my triumphs, my pains, my successes before I die. I will continue striving to help those around me whether they realize they need help. I will continue reinventing myself and opening myself up to new possibilities. I will not let the lizard brain win nor will I ever dim my light again. I will continue to push through my pain and step out of my own way.

31 Day Reset ~ Day 5

How does it feel... lol, okay today's challenge/assignment is to rate how well I am doing things and well yeah sometimes judging yourself will call you some discomfort and/or pain

So in the previous post I listed my values....the things that I hold near and dear to my heart.... (YAY I have a heart, I don't need to go see the Wiz)

Well I think most of the things on there causes me some moderate pain when I think about it.. all except loyalty and friendship.... I am very loyal and I do have some very fulfilling relationships and friendships..I have learned to allow folks in and KICKED them to the curb when the time has come, the difference is I don't beat myself up over it any more...

I guess sometimes you can outslick a can of oil ; )

So right now I am in the process of putting everything into motion..

I am working on finding a job while pushing my own business forward
I am loving and trusting myself more which allows for me to love and trust other folks
I am traveling even though I am working with a shoe string budget
I am consulting God before I make any sudden movement
I am living....

31 Day Reset ~ Day 4

When I am alone, with no one there, and everyone is silent and I forget that God is watching, what matters to me?

Success matters to me even though I have spent the last decade running from it..It is what I am used's what I am good at...failure is no longer an option
Money.. I want money even if it is so I can give it away
loving family, children, love, lasting friendships healthy relationships
serving and following God
peace loyalty integrity
a sense of accomplishment

It doesn't quite make sense now but it was on my heart. : )

Saturday, March 3, 2012

31 Day Reset ~ Day 3

Dear Luv,

I am so proud of you. Life has beat you every which way but look at you, you still going, you are still pushing and moving out of your own way! I love it and I love you. I am so impressed with the ease you have handled everything coming down the pike and how you have managed to see the silver lining in everything. : ) #yougogirl

I love the way you have decluttered your home, organizing and getting rid of stuff that you don't need. I love how you have realized that you have done all you can with your niece and understanding that peace in your home will result in peace in other areas of your life.

I love the way you have stepped out on faith, grinded and move your business to being a top 500 bakery. Now everyday truly is Yummytastic.

I love how you are finally using that JD degree to not only make money but help those in need at the same time.

I love how you have managed to triple your earnings in just a short time. Keep building that nest egg and also continue to help those in need.

I love how you are taking control of your mental and emotional well-being. I appreciate the boundaries you have put up and aI applaud you for making the hard decisions to boot some of the toxic people out of your life. It may hurt now but in the long run it will cause you nothing but joy.

I love how you are so affectionate with your son and supportive. He truly knows that you love him. He's a mama's boy for life : )

I love how you are really working to heal the past wounds and on letting go and letting God take care of those things that you cannot control. It's a constant battle but you are doing GREAT!!!

Your life is so much better now and it’s all because of your hard work. Keep it up!

And remember, I LOVE YOU even when you are less than stellar,


31 Day Reset ~ Day 2

My life.. the good, the bad, the in-between

  • Lifestyle I am not happy with how I am house is in disarray... there is no peace in my house...I have found myself slipping in and out of depression which is normal for me around this time BUT I am choosing to put an end to that this year... I feel cramped and closed in
  • Work ~ funny last time I did this I wasn't happy because I couldn't wear my happy socks... well I have been self-employed since October when my contract ended...I need to get things in order so I can track my revenue
  • Education ~ I like school and my academic achievements
  • Finances~ we getting by on a prayer BUT my GOD is the Almighty and I haven't missed a beat
  • Health ~ I am not happy with my current health situation... I am under a lot of stress from being self-employed with two other mouths to feed. There is always bickering and fighting going on.... it's making me not want to get up in the morning.... but I am pushing through it
  • Family ~ I have to work at showing my son I love him more openly... I have to make him understand that I don't want him to be perfect, I just want him to try his best every time
  • Relationships ~ I am working on the most important relationship right now...the one with me and God and me and myself... I am so in love with myself that it's down right embarrassing BUT if I don't trust and love myself, how can I expect anyone else to do it or recognize it when it is being done?
I will do better, there's nothing left to do but to do it : )

31 Day Reset ~ Day 1

I have been here before and I am well past tired of coming here...
The perfect storm... it can make me a victim or a survivor
I choose I choose to be the captain of my vessel and will live life accordingly, with purpose and direction while loving even in the midst of chaos

Today's assignment was to choose a mantra and well the thing screaming from my soul right now is "Live Laugh Love" and so that is what I plan to do in the 2012

My song was actually posted on my facebook page a couple of days ago by a friend that knew that I was being beaten upside, rightside, bottomside of my head and yeah it basically sums up everything about me at this present time

I Got this cuz God's got Me #Ijustgot2believe

Oh, my notebook, you are on it #welcome : )

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

My Inkings on my Soul

Dear Luv,

What a year we have had... with many ups and many downs but as always, with God's help you have made it through...not unscratched or unharmed but with more clarity and determination. Your growth has been amazing! You have really grabbed life by it's horns and said "looka here, I'm in this not to win it but to do more than just survive."

I am so proud of you. When the pain clouds your eyes, you don't allow it to darken your entire soul. You are making decisive choice instead of going with the flow and leaving things to chance. I applaud you for learning first hand all the good that used to be in you was not dead.

I know you feel bad about wanting and deciding to send Chucky's Bride back BUT you are an amazing woman and have done an amazing thing. You have taken care of someone else's child with no monetary assistance from them while making a little over $12 an hour, while paying a mortgage and taking care of your own child. There's no need to hold your head down low or feel bad..You are an amazing person and you have done something that many who share your own bloodline wouldn't and aren't going to do.

This year, the anniversary of the rape got you... it put you in a stupor but, it didn't stop you cuz if it had, you wouldn't be writing this #accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up over it. You may look and want to be perfect, but you are not. You are perfectly imperfect and that's okay..embrace it. There will be many other days that you fall short too. Keep pushing and keep moving out of your own way. You are doing great. You are on the right track. #giveyourselfaroundofapplause

So this year we need to work on financial stability and more self-improvement so we can "call" in the one.. and right now, the one looks so darn sexy, with such a pretty smile with well kept teeth....he has MSC's swag and Old Man Please attentive and kind spirit..he has a body like whoa and a heart like E, loving me with his entire being but loving God oh so much more. He has money like Tip ~ but not ill-ly got... and he loves me.... and he loves me... and he shows me each and everyday. He is so patient and kind... He loves me in the morning and loves me at night...He love me when I am super fly and when my face is balled up tight..He loves me when I am sick and scared and he loves me when I am healthy and daring..he loves me and he loves me right. Yes this year, you are going to continue getting yourself together so you can "call" in the one...the one who will erase all the past hurt and pain.

I know it is hard...and it is rough but don't you give up, your breakthrough is near. So very near...keep close to God and HE will keep close to you...

so continue to sort, toss, replace and will all make sense in the morning

"Letting go and making room for infinite positive possibilities... participating in life and enjoying the moments that can create possible long-lasting memories is growing while living, learning and loving."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)