Saturday, June 23, 2012

My Time is Running Out

Tick tock, tick tock, the seconds of my life are being measured out and well I am no more motivated to do anything about it than I was before I found out my untimely fate.

People take life for granted...thinking that we have all the time to get things right, to get the things we want and need and to say the things we want and need to say and of course to do all the things our hearts desire when the reality of it is LIFE IS HECKA SHORT!

Next week sometime I go find out exactly how long I have to get my mind right to decide to fight.  Fight for this life that has not had many sunny days...guess it's a blessing that I am so fond of the winter.

My body is shutting down, it's has had enough and well my heart and soul is right there with it. There is only so much you can ink on a page...I wish I could begin to explain the sorrow deep in my heart.

They told me that I am dying of a broken heart.  That if they could mend my broken heart they could begin to fight the cancer that is causing havoc on my organs.  I laughed and told them that I guess we know now where broken hearts go and it's not back home. They told me that they can save me, but I have to want to be saved.  I told them I was no Ho'.  They told me that I had to follow everything they told me to do to the T or they will kill me trying to save me.  I told them I was in the process of getting my burial stuff paid for cuz I was very confident of who I was and how this was going to play out.

I remember being mad at my favorite Unc for refusing to do what the doctor said to do and to quit smoking so he could live.  I remember being mad at my Aunt, his sister for refusing to take her insulin shots so she could live.  I snicker cause I know there will be those mad at me for refusing to change my colors to live.  But now I get it... sometimes when it is all said and done, all you have is your right to do what you what to do for you regardless of what everyone else thinks is best for you.  My Unc loved smoking, it was a part of his life, they couldn't tell him that the cancer would be in remission for the rest of his days so he decided to live out what days he had left doing what he did best, chain smoking.  He smoked a pack the day he finally closed his eyes for good.   My Aunt didn't like needles and there was no way in H-E-LLO that she was going to be sticking herself for the rest of her was a lot of things she could stomach but that wasn't one of them and she refused to live her life like that and so she went into a coma and died before I could ever get to meet her, even though many say I have her spunk : )

Me... I don't know what my issue is.  I just don't want to do it.  The medicine is nasty and now I am always nauseous or in pain and I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling like I am eternally pregnant.  I have suffered enough and I am done.  I am tired of fighting. Of overcoming. Of trying to make a way. When this first regimen of juice and berries is gone, I am done.  Not going to waste no more money on it...nope, I plan to spend the rest of my days, hours, minutes, seconds on creating Moments that create lasting memories for me and my child... I plan on living like tomorrow isn't promised to me because it really isn't.

"Life is precious and unpredictable so we have to make sure we get from it what we can and leave the nonsense and drama in the backdrop."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

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