Monday, December 26, 2011

Holding the Key .....

but giving away my heart.

What a different a year makes. It seems like a lifetime has past since I last inked my soul's cry on here. I have been writing and sorting in my head BUT most importantly, I have been living. Not living and going through the motions, but living and actually participating in the moments. I have been creating moments that allow for the memories that will last a lifetime.

I think my last straw ~ my last stand ~ my broken beyond repair point was when I cut off all of my hair. How freeing and yes, how scary. I no longer had anything to hide behind, to shield me... I was naked and boy did I embrace it, define it, and LOVE it!!!!

To have as many heartbreaks as I have suffer as much as I endure and see as much as I have and yet to be able to love after all of it.....what a victory!

To go from not being able to stand more than 5 seconds in front of a mirror to being the mirror's biggest fan ~ what a blessing.

What a liberating blessing to be able to look at the reflection in the mirror, flaws and all and say "I love you and can't nothing you do or say change that cuz you are the best thing going," and mean it...each and every word.

Letting go of the hurt, of the Past, of the negativity, of the People that mean me ill, of the People that have served their purpose, of the fear, of the uncertainty, of the prejudices, of the darkness has been the hardest part. Useless Baggage that does nothing but weigh you down. We know this..I knew this but yet I humped it on my back religiously...why?!? did it validate my story, did it strengthen me...did it empower me...did it help me in anyway besides speeding along the process of me getting the handi-to-be crippled badge?

The more I let go, the more masks I got rid of...because the people that I did not trust got 'let go' out of my life so there was no need for me to hide my hurt and pain any more.

I am currently unemployed with two minor kids and a mortgage and car insurance and bills on top of bills and no steady money in sight BUT I haven't been this happy in awhile. I am so in love with myself that even life's setbacks can only get me so down. I fell in love with a guy who chose not to return my love and I am okay cuz I know it's him and not me... ain't nobody flyer than me ; )

I am a moving and a shaking and a shaking and a moving and getting out of my own way. I used to be so concerned about who held the key to my heart that I never really allowed myself the opportunity to open my heart to allow anyone to use the what did it matter that they had the key?

Now I hold the key and give my heart, locking it and opening as need be. I am so in love with loving me.

"Letting go does not diminish or erase what we have gone through. It does not weaken or tarnish what we have accomplish. It simply makes more space for us to receive greater blessings and it allows us to love a little more."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)