Sunday, July 25, 2010

I Guess I Am In Good Company

I've been busy y'all. Busy living and loving, and loving and living. And it feels good. Each day I am excited to see what new thing I am going to discover about me...or better yet, what new things someone else is going to notice about me. I feel like a new person since I have been doing all this purging. I feel like a weight has been lifted since I have exposed MOST of my sins...can't tell it all, oh the Po-Pos will be knocking at my door.

It's funny how much of the old me is turning up in this new woman I am transforming into...So much of the me that I missed that I thought was dead. I don't have many vices. I am pretty much a homebody. I would rather shoot the bo-bo and watch movies with my inner circle than go out all night partying. UNLESS it is my school's homecoming, then LUV gets it in. I will go out and shake it like nobody's business. I still don't really drink...I ain't afraid nor ashamed to say I can't hold my liquor. Chucky and CsB probably can hold their liquor better than me. Imma have to bring wine coolers back...but even that's too strong.

I like to eat good food. I like to laugh even if it's at myself. I like good chocolate cuz yes there is some nasty chocolate in this world. I like to play games (cards, dominoes, board games, Wii). And I like to go to plays and concerts. I love good music. I used to treat myself to a concert at least once a year...depending on who was coming to town, sometimes two.

But somewhere along the way, I stopped being good to myself. I stopped doing things for myself and I missed that...I can't say it is a finance thing cuz money has always been funny over here. So a couple of months ago, I took myself to see Monica, and she sang her tail off...had me in there remembering why I loved live performances so much. Well, the other day, I took myself to see Ms. Fantasia. I drove the 2 hours to Richmond in 5 hours (don't even ask) got there to find out that it was going to be outside (it was 103 degrees) and I was in a dress (looking good for myself) and my cousin's friend didn't bring me a chair like she said she was (yeah, I won't be inviting her to join me again) and the hat I brought only served to help me look like I was set to pick cotton. (hello Celie)

To say that I was perturbed would be an understatement. I could feel my head start to tighten and not just cuz I was losing what looked like a gallon of water from my body by the minute. I hate being unprepared. But, right before I was getting ready to move from agitated to pissed off, I reminded myself that I had a choice to make and depending on the choice I made, it would determine how good of a time I had seeing one of my favorite singers.

Let's just say I am soooooooo glad that I made the choice to #makeitdowhatitdo and have a great time inspite of all of my challenges. My not having a chair made it easier for me to get up to the stage to be close and personal with Ms. Tasia who said she wasn't coming out on stage until they removed the gates cuz 'she wasn't into segregating her people' (i know that's right) and my choice also made it easier for Ms. Tasia to grab my hand and hold it for awhile as she sang this song, while watching the tears run down my doublecrispy face (cuz at 10:00 pm it was 100 degrees outside)

This is one of my favorite songs off her upcoming album...

"Sometimes in life we lose sight of the fact that we didn't come into this world walking or running, that there are stages and processes for everything, and no one but God is immune from having to learn how to do something, cuz even angels have to receive instructions on how to do their when you crawling, remember, you are in good company."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Friday, July 23, 2010

Pushing Pride to the Wayside

Today is the day that I am throwing her all the way out the window, cuz Pride will make you lose your mind up in here up in here. Pride will have you go hungry for months. Pride will make you do a job that you really aren't skilled to do. Pride will make you abuse your kids instead of giving them up. Pride will make you suffer in silence instead of getting help. Pride will make you stay in a loveless marriage. Pride will make you give up on your dreams to live somebody else's. Pride is the sin that did a whole lot of people in......

And well, PRIDE, I am about to take away your power and dismiss you from my life.

I am was in therapy because my son needed to be in therapy. But the truth of the matter is, I should have been in therapy BECAUSE I needed to be in therapy. I needed to unleash all that stuff I had been stuffing for 30+ years (yeah, I know, I look good for my age, it's true, black don't crack) and I needed to unload it in the worst way. Honey, bags?!?! I had army trunks that I was dragging behind me. I didn't need to worry about missing my bus, I was moving so slow that I wasn't making it off the block, let alone to the bus stop.

I had too much "stuff" with me. No wonder I was attracting these deadbeat, goodfornothing, low lifes. (calling a spade a spade cuz honey I dated a homelessman, as my PIC always like to remind me) Them bums knew that I couldn't get away, that I had too much stuff to even think about running. They knew I was so weighed down with all my crap that I wasn't even going to fight them off...I had been dragging that mess for too long.

NEWSFLASH: most of that crap is gone, and I realized that 90% of it didn't even belonged to me, and in the midst of sorting through all of this crap, I found my favorite pair of Air Nikes, and they still fit...I'mma a beast on the track, will make you think I trained with Flo Jo....lowlifes can't catch what that can't see.

I have been hurt by a lot of people. I have let a lot of people into my circle that were not deserving to have a ticket to any of my events. I have had funny colored letters come in the mail informing that this or that was gonna be cut off. And true to their word, some of those things did happen. I have sat in the dark without food (sometimes cuz I was too bogged down to go buy food or go pay my light bills and sometimes cuz I didn't have the money to do either) I have been kicked out of a wedding because I didn't know how to tell them that even though I was honored and thrilled to be their Maid of Honor, I didn't have the money to get my dress. I have hurt people on purpose. I have hurt people on accident. I have had my wages garnished by the IRS. I have had several liens placed on my house. (hah, in this market, when do you think I will get a chance to sell? So lien with it and rock with it...I don't care) I have stayed in the company of negative people simply because I felt obligated to be there. I have had a fungal disease that has taken years to get a handle on (thanks Xavier University) I have bleed through my clothes a many of times in public. I have hated myself. I have wanted to end it all. I have hit rock bottom on several occasions. I have thought about having an abortion. I have suffered in silence in depression. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of and that I hid....

But, I am human. I have fallen, been pushed, knocked down on NUMEROUS occasions, but I have now chosen to get BACK UP.

I am here.

And I am loving it!

"Just because it seems like it, doesn't mean it is. Everyone has their share of dirt on their hands, some just know how to blend it in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Sunshine Has Come....

and life is oh, so good...nope, it's GREAT!
And ain't nothing changed but my outlook on life. I'm still over here rubbing 2 nickels together praying they will turn into two quarters. I feel amazing, and I know I have more pep in my step cuz I am causing traffic jams and accident from all the gauking.
I am finally realizing that I hold the key to my own happiness. I can be happy and be alone. i can be happy and be in a room full of people, with all their pretentious ways and still be happy.
I can be happy and be poor. I can be happy! Wow, even I can be happy despite all that I have endured...endurance, that is a trait a lot of us have to cultivate cuz God is not going to deliver us out of everything.
I have resolved each day to choose something that I want to do differently, not that I SHOULD do differently...
And today I choose to see the world differently...see it as filled with people just like me trying to make it to the next level, trying to make it all make sense for them, trying to keep their head above water...and for that I choose to exercise a little more patience; not only with the people that I meet, but also, with myself because NO ONE is perfect.
And with that I shall find that I have more time to smile and be happy than to frown and be mad.
"I have the power to be happy, it's up to me to choose whether to exercise this power, for happiness truly is a state of mind."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Monday, July 19, 2010

What My Father Didn't Teach Me

is haunting me....
tormenting me...
teasing me...
frustrating me...

My father never thought me how a man is supposed to love a woman and how a woman is supposed to love a man. As a matter of fact, he didn't teach me much, and the things he did teach me, he did so inadvertently. When I look back over my life, I don't have many memories that include my father, good or bad.

I remember a time or two when he let me dance on his shoe...but it was only after my uncle had let me dance on his. I don't remember him ever hugging me or telling me he loved me or that he cared...probably because he didn't. I think he became too consumed with trying to be a provider to remember that he was also supposed to be a protector and teacher.

I learned a lot of things from watching him. I learned that drowning your sorrows in liquor wasn't a good look. I learned that if you made your bed hard you would have to eventually lie in it. I learned that people are cruel and evil for no reason at all. I learned how I did not want to be treated and what I would not tolerate from not just a man but from anyone....

I learned that I must be unlovable if my own father did not love me.

I remember when my uncle died...I remember thinking, 'who will love me now.' My uncle wasn't a great man...nothing extraordinary about him, but he loved me and I loved him. He told me he loved me all the time. He would hug and kiss me and shower me with affection. He protected me, even from my father. He gave me money. It was like I was the moon and the stars to him. He left me when I needed him the most. I had to go through my preteen and teenage years without anyone reaffirming my beauty and my worth. It was as if Cinderella had lost both glass slippers and her fairy godmother.

I remember the first time a guy showed me attention. I was so scared I beat him up. That was 5th grade. In 9th grade, I hid under a car...10th, behind a trash dumpster. Adulthood, I just hide behind whatever mask I have up at the moment and for the most part, I am emotionally unavailable.

But, I want to change that...the more I love me, the more I want someone else to love me. To hold me...To kiss me...To cover me with warm embraces and shower me with tender affection.

I just don't know how...or where to began...I get so scared when someone is in my space for too long...makes me me giving them the side-eye... in my head I be like 'take whatever it is you gonna take from me and be gone.'

But that's the old me...and last time I looked, that me didn't have a man.

I am ready y'all. I am willing and I am I just have to learn the lesson.

"Sometimes we have to go back to the beginning in order for us to reach our end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Getting Out of My Head....

.......AND OUT OF MY OWN WAY!!!!!

I have been "head blogging" for a minute now which has caused me to DOUBLE POST. (Kanye triple

Oh, well, such is life. This is my space, so if you don't like it, I am sure you know where the "next" button is.

I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. I was on facebook and one of my old homies changed his status to something about "if you missed it before, here's your chance to ask any question you want and I will answer truthfully."

So me, being me, I inboxed him and asked "Are you gay?" Now, I have never ever thought he was gay. He was too much of a whore in highschool for the thought to ever cross my mind. I just wanted to mess with him and to see what his off-based, off-colored, out of order response was going to be?

And his response ...well let's just say that I am glad he didn't go into detail on why he liked the female genitalia. He then asked me, why I asked him that...did I think he was gay. Of course I told him that I was just messing with him and that I even had another question that I was going to ask him I didn't ask it.

I choked. Well it wasn't that I choked as much as I wasn't sure I would be able to digest the response had it been negative; therefore I chose a question that would not jeopardize my well-being in any way. So yeah I choked. So to make up for me choking I asked him if he wanted to return the favor and ask me anything and I would answer honestly.

So, he asks me if I wrote in his senior yearbook in a purple pen. WTW? Um, I don't know. Which is weird cuz I have a beastly memory. So I tell him, "I don't know...what did it say?" He responses..."some freaky stuff" WTW.. Now I am frantically trying to remember if it was me and if so, what did I write, but um, in high school I was pretty much like I am now when it comes to freakiness I KEEPS IT ON THE LOW so I wouldn't have out-ed myself like that...esp in high school. I was still proud to be president of the V Club. So I tell him, "if it was freaky it probably wasn't me..but why you think to ask?" His response, "because I remembered you like purple"

And guess what yall, I did and I still do. Who knew he paid so much attention to me. I mean some of the Faithful Ten don't even know about my love affair with purple...or rather they choose to forget. I mean this was my boy. We ran with the same gang so we were cool. And I was a tomboy, so yeah we were doubly cool.

The thing is, I used to have a crush on him and never told him because of how I thought he and everyone else viewed me. I thought his response would have been the same as that skinny peg head Snoop dog rejectl ookalike (sorry having a moment). So I never told him or showed it. Even though I thought at times that he was feeling me. But now I was curious to know...just as I was curious to know when I first saw his status and went to ask him before my nerves got the best of me....

I looked at our back and forth and I said to myself, "Luv, we are changing...we are growing.. we are moving out of our own way, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us feel. What does it matter what his response is now to something that took place a decade ago.. You don't want him now AND he married with 3 kids, so he bet not want you. It is time to step pass fear."

So I FB'd back "did you use to have a crush on me?" and I pressed send. There was nothing to do but wait, or not. Before I could decide what to do and let fear paralyze my heart, his response was delivered to my inbox.

And low and behold if he didn't admit that he did have a crush on me and that "they" thought I was cute but that I was a good girl and that "they" didn't want to ruin me or bring me down to their level. mean all this time I had been going around thinking that dudes weren't approaching me because they thought I was ugly AND they really wasn't approaching me because of the standards that I set for myself and maintained? You mean that dudes really can tell your worth and will respect it when you respect it first? You mean that a lot of this pain, anguish, and frustration I have experienced since high school could have been avoided had I just held onto my standards and stayed out of my head?

For my word..

"Sometimes we can be the cause of our greatest downfall."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Dear God

Sometimes I wonder what your plan is for me. Sometimes I wonder if you really, really love me. I look back over my life and Sum Tymes, I Wanna Cry. I want to cry for a childhood that I will never know. I want to cry for the people who really loved me being taken away from me when I wasn't ready to let them go. I want to cry for never feeling like I belonged....anywhere. I want to cry for being born into confusion and chaos. I want to cry for never really having anyone around to fight for me when I was tired of fighting for myself. I want to cry just cause I don't even really know how to cry any more. Sometimes I think I used up the best parts of me trying to get through all of the foolishness that surrounded me.

My life is's coming full circle..and when I think about my life and compare them with the last 10, I realize this: The last decade was hell not because of what I went through but because I did not have you. I was mad at the world and most importantly, I was mad with you. I thought you owed me something, instead of realizing that I owed you. Before, even in my darkest hour, you always gave me something to smile about, something to hold on to, something to push forward to, something...never allowing me to give up even when that seemed to be the popular option.

I have been so focused on the bad, that I have been blind to the good. I have seen the people who have done me wrong, which has overshadowed the people that have done me right.

I am changing; therefore things around me are changing.

I am excited and I am scared. I have known success and I have known failure. I have known praise and I have known ridicule. I have known righteousness and I have known darkness. I have done things that many only dream of and things that still haunt me in my dreams.

But, nevertheless, I am ready to move forward. I am ready for my forever. I am ready to be molded so that you can reveal your master plan. I am ready to stop standing in the way of my own happiness.

On Sept. 1st, I will complete a process, a process that has taken 2 years because of many things and because of nothing at all. Three days later, I will celebrate the anniversary of the day that rocked mine and my child's world. And celebrate I will because who knows if I would have grown so much in LOVE in such a short time, but for that day.

I am ready for the next phase and it's process....

"A closed fist doesn't get fed...sometimes we block our blessings simply because we aren't open to receiving them. Sometimes we have to stop focusing on all the people that have done us wrong and all the things that have gone bad in order to see all the people that have our back and to see all the things that go right."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

I Want To Love You...The Right Way

But I don't know how.

I mean I can see it clearly in my head. I know all the things to say. I know how to let you lead and can you believe, I actually willingly follow?

I want to shower you with kisses and warm embraces. I want to sit on your lap and listen to your day. I want to let you go where only few have been before. I want to give you my heart and not second guess it. I want to...I want to... I really, really want to.

But I can't.

I am not there. I know this...I don't like this, but I know this. The process isn't complete. I haven't learned to completely and fully love me. I am loving me, but there are still some hard spots I need to rub out. And, well, I am rubbing, and I am smoothing.

I know that the fact that I want you lets me know that I am raising the bar, that I am seeing my worth and that I am almost there. I know that you may not be what God has in store for me, but I hope it's something close.

Since meeting you, I have evolved, I have challenged, I have pushed beyond what is comfortable and when I wasn't looking, I also fell and this scares me. It petrifies me for so so so many reasons and well, that's how I know I am not ready. Even though I want to be.

I am scared not cuz it's you, I can live with that. I am scared because I never wanted to be in this place again. Never wanted to have my emotions go forward without my consent. Never wanted to feel giddy and unsure. Mad and glad at the same time. I never wanted my heart to know the song of hurt again.

See, I am not ready. None of this has to do with you. It has to do with me facing my fears. It has to do with me letting go of the past, and letting go of it's hurt. It has to do with me going forward and believing that I can achieve the impossible and be happy and successful at it. It has to do with me believing that it was meant for me to be loved...unconditionally and supported.

there is so much I want to say but it's best to let it stay unspoken but my heart penned this and well since it's already written, I might as well share:

how do i tell you that i love you when i don't even know you
how do i tell you that you fill me up when you have yet to touch me
how do i tell you all the things piling up in my heart and head without sounding out of touch
how do i continue to look at you and pretend that i do not care

my heart skips a beat
i become concerned about my hair...
my feet, my teeth...
even the clothes that i wear
i wonder if you see me
or are you looking thru me
or possibly around me

i wonder if the tables were turned
and the shoes were switched
if i would have such restraint
i wonder a lot of things
and become frustrated

cuz there is no one to share my thoughts dreams aspirations with,
with regards to this
i sense you pulling away
so you must know
this frustrates me even more
i know i should have never re-opened that door

private, sweet dreams.... (luv '2010)

"Love is always patiently waiting...are we patiently waiting on love?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Slow Down & Live

Stop the races.

Throw out the schedules.

Walk, don't run....

Inhale...(that's breathe in) and Exhale (you got it, breathe out)

Now Pause, and do the 'Gangsta Clap' ( am I the only grown folk who gets really happy when they get to 'gangsta clap' with a large group of people?)

But seriously, lately I have been feeling like I am so over-booked, over-worked, over-scheduled, and oh so, over-my-head in/with everything. And typically when I start to feel this way, panic takes over. I become frantic and start doing things just to check them off my list. For example, I may need to wash 8 loads of clothes (on a good day) and in frantic mode I would just throw them in the washer and dryer without sorting or taking out the hang-to-dry and then well, you know what happens: colors bleed together and clothes shrink and now I am more frantic and upset than when I started cuz I have ruined clothes that I didn't have to ruin.

I have been feeling rushed. My child is in summer school so I have to get up in the morning drop Chucky's Bride off at daycare, take Chucky to one school to get breakfast then take Chucky to his school for summer school, go to work, leave work, pick up Chucky, race him to camp, race back to park my car, race for the train so that I can race back to work, once back at work, race to play catch up with any work, then leave work, race to get Chucky's Bride and then to get Chucky, then race to football practice, then race to make dinner, then race to sleep...and then I get up and race through it all over again.

Can you say TIRED? That's probably an understatement.

So, I have been in a funk probably since summer school has started because I do not like being late. And, I do not like having my day interrupted in the middle. And, I do not like feeling rushed.

And well, I don't like being in funks.. well, not as of late, so I decided to do something about it. I sat myself down and gave myself a good talking to. (no, i am not crazy)

I was like chile, why are you running around with this attitude and so mad at Chucky..what's done is done. It's not like you are not going to take him to summer school. And it's not like you are not going to take him to camp. So, why are you fussing about it. It has to be done and you doing it. You can't help it if you get him to camp late, he already late, camp starts at 8, what you rushing for. You can't help it if you get back to work late, you get an hour, it takes you an hour fifteen to an hour twenty to get back...oh well, it ain't like you just out shooting the many times have you stayed late and not billed for it? Stop sweating this small stuff and release.

And that's what I did... I released the fear, the anxiety, the frustration and the anger. I released everything that I could not control and controlled the one thing that I could and well, I haven't been feeling so rushed or funky as of late.

"In Life, there isn't much that I can control, BUT I can Always control the way I respond/react to a situation which will ultimately determine how that situation/experience affects my Life....Seems like Life has everyone in a rat race, with everyone rushing toward the end. Last time I checked, the End promised to everyone was Death, no need for me to be in a hurry to get to that, so I am gonna slow down, and live."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

warning I may double post cuz i have been headblogging for a couple of days...

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Thursday's Therapy (2 of 2) ~ Suck It Up

Life isn't fair.

I know this.

I have known this.....


I don't cannot accept this.

I cannot accept that unqualified people will always get the promotion that someone else deserves simply because they know the man sitting next to the gosh darn man.

I cannot accept that irresponsible people will always find someone to pick up their slack therefore never being forced to act/be responsible.

I cannot accept that simply because I did not create the problem that the problem is not mine to solve.

So, my sister has had another baby. Her 3rd in two and a half years. It's funny what's important to people when they have their own garbage and mess all locked up in the closet. I say this because when people hear this they always go off on a tangent about birth control. Birth control won't fix her or the problem. My sister needs help. I know this. . Her parents know this. Even Chucky's Bride knows this. It would appear that my sister is the only clueless one. I understand her plight....well, I get it. She is searching for love. For something or someone to love her. I am on that same journey, just a different road.

I knew babies came to be loved, not to love. This is why Chucky's only living siblings are on his paternal side. This single parent stuff is for the birds. Believe that. I mean I have seen people who make it look easy, especially when they pulling in the big dough and got an army ready to support them, standing behind them. I'm not sure who my sister has outside of her mother.

I'm not sure who I have. I'm not sure what I would do in her situation. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. But, I do know this. I have to keep this baby, even though deep down I don't want to. I have to break the circle or at least make an attempt. I have to stand up to my family's demons. I have to affect the change I wanted to see when I was growing up a motherless, fatherless child.

So since I received that text that stated 'bad news, you gonna have to keep her til December' I have been pouting and stomping my feet. Shouting what about me? What about what I want? What about what I want to do? What about all my plans I have made since your last text that you were getting her June 19th and keeping her? What about...

Yeah, it's not about what I want, it's about what I need to do...

Farewell Never Neverland.

"Life isn't fair. Many times on this journey we will find out that the choices we have to make are not necessarily the choices we want to make, they are simply the ones we need to make. Life comes at you fast, make sure you react accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)