Monday, July 19, 2010

What My Father Didn't Teach Me

is haunting me....
tormenting me...
teasing me...
frustrating me...

My father never thought me how a man is supposed to love a woman and how a woman is supposed to love a man. As a matter of fact, he didn't teach me much, and the things he did teach me, he did so inadvertently. When I look back over my life, I don't have many memories that include my father, good or bad.

I remember a time or two when he let me dance on his shoe...but it was only after my uncle had let me dance on his. I don't remember him ever hugging me or telling me he loved me or that he cared...probably because he didn't. I think he became too consumed with trying to be a provider to remember that he was also supposed to be a protector and teacher.

I learned a lot of things from watching him. I learned that drowning your sorrows in liquor wasn't a good look. I learned that if you made your bed hard you would have to eventually lie in it. I learned that people are cruel and evil for no reason at all. I learned how I did not want to be treated and what I would not tolerate from not just a man but from anyone....

I learned that I must be unlovable if my own father did not love me.

I remember when my uncle died...I remember thinking, 'who will love me now.' My uncle wasn't a great man...nothing extraordinary about him, but he loved me and I loved him. He told me he loved me all the time. He would hug and kiss me and shower me with affection. He protected me, even from my father. He gave me money. It was like I was the moon and the stars to him. He left me when I needed him the most. I had to go through my preteen and teenage years without anyone reaffirming my beauty and my worth. It was as if Cinderella had lost both glass slippers and her fairy godmother.

I remember the first time a guy showed me attention. I was so scared I beat him up. That was 5th grade. In 9th grade, I hid under a car...10th, behind a trash dumpster. Adulthood, I just hide behind whatever mask I have up at the moment and for the most part, I am emotionally unavailable.

But, I want to change that...the more I love me, the more I want someone else to love me. To hold me...To kiss me...To cover me with warm embraces and shower me with tender affection.

I just don't know how...or where to began...I get so scared when someone is in my space for too long...makes me me giving them the side-eye... in my head I be like 'take whatever it is you gonna take from me and be gone.'

But that's the old me...and last time I looked, that me didn't have a man.

I am ready y'all. I am willing and I am I just have to learn the lesson.

"Sometimes we have to go back to the beginning in order for us to reach our end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)


  1. So I see what made you uneasy with reading my posts (at least, the last few). I never sat down and realized how much my dad taught me inadvertently and how it affected my relationships (well I knew that my relationship--or lack thereof--with my dad DID have an affect on my romantic relationships). I sometimes have a hard time communicating how I feel to anyone.

    You are blessed to have an uncle to show you what love is.

  2. Hey LB,

    Thanks for stopping by. I am still in the process of reading your back posts..I skipped over the letter to your father because I don't think I am ready to face what may be in there that should be in my own letter to my father.

    It's amazing how much impact we as parents can have on our child's present and future.

    I have had awful relationships...they were designed to fail from the beginning. But I am so ready for something I think it's about time for me to venture into that relationship to understand what I need to learn to go forward.

    Yeah, my uncle was a wonderful man..he died when I was a lil girl....later on, another Uncle stepped up and closed some of the space left in my heart by my uncle's departure

    I wish you much success on your journey

  3. As I read this, it was really sad because my dad was just the opposite. I hve three sisters,no brothers and my dad would get out in the yard with us and play baseball and stuff. He showed us how a man is suppose to treat a woman because he exemplified that with my mom. Men need to step up and be men...excuse me, real men.

  4. Queen, it is sad because I don't have those memories or those moments to go back to when I am in a situation with a guy...I just have this scared lil girl inside of me telling me to run because he is just going to hurt me physically or emotionally or both...

    but i am determined to conquer was my past, it won't be my future.

    i am glad you had a daddy that showed you what makes you a man from a boy

  5. Wow, this is really powerful. One the one hand, my heart aches for you because,you did not have a doting daddy will always be my first love...he doted on me like crazy and still does today.
    But on the other hand, I see your strength and determination to conquer this thing and I can't help but smile because, when someone is showing strength like this...they do succeed.

  6. Thanks Ali,

    My heart has ached for a long time about it and I was too proud to admit that I wanted my daddy to love me..that I wanted to be daddy's lil girl.

    I get all sad when I see genuine father daughter relationships...

    But you are right, I am determined to have someone love me even if it is only ME and God..I have already known failure in this regards so there's nothing left for me to do but succeed