Friday, July 23, 2010

Pushing Pride to the Wayside

Today is the day that I am throwing her all the way out the window, cuz Pride will make you lose your mind up in here up in here. Pride will have you go hungry for months. Pride will make you do a job that you really aren't skilled to do. Pride will make you abuse your kids instead of giving them up. Pride will make you suffer in silence instead of getting help. Pride will make you stay in a loveless marriage. Pride will make you give up on your dreams to live somebody else's. Pride is the sin that did a whole lot of people in......

And well, PRIDE, I am about to take away your power and dismiss you from my life.

I am was in therapy because my son needed to be in therapy. But the truth of the matter is, I should have been in therapy BECAUSE I needed to be in therapy. I needed to unleash all that stuff I had been stuffing for 30+ years (yeah, I know, I look good for my age, it's true, black don't crack) and I needed to unload it in the worst way. Honey, bags?!?! I had army trunks that I was dragging behind me. I didn't need to worry about missing my bus, I was moving so slow that I wasn't making it off the block, let alone to the bus stop.

I had too much "stuff" with me. No wonder I was attracting these deadbeat, goodfornothing, low lifes. (calling a spade a spade cuz honey I dated a homelessman, as my PIC always like to remind me) Them bums knew that I couldn't get away, that I had too much stuff to even think about running. They knew I was so weighed down with all my crap that I wasn't even going to fight them off...I had been dragging that mess for too long.

NEWSFLASH: most of that crap is gone, and I realized that 90% of it didn't even belonged to me, and in the midst of sorting through all of this crap, I found my favorite pair of Air Nikes, and they still fit...I'mma a beast on the track, will make you think I trained with Flo Jo....lowlifes can't catch what that can't see.

I have been hurt by a lot of people. I have let a lot of people into my circle that were not deserving to have a ticket to any of my events. I have had funny colored letters come in the mail informing that this or that was gonna be cut off. And true to their word, some of those things did happen. I have sat in the dark without food (sometimes cuz I was too bogged down to go buy food or go pay my light bills and sometimes cuz I didn't have the money to do either) I have been kicked out of a wedding because I didn't know how to tell them that even though I was honored and thrilled to be their Maid of Honor, I didn't have the money to get my dress. I have hurt people on purpose. I have hurt people on accident. I have had my wages garnished by the IRS. I have had several liens placed on my house. (hah, in this market, when do you think I will get a chance to sell? So lien with it and rock with it...I don't care) I have stayed in the company of negative people simply because I felt obligated to be there. I have had a fungal disease that has taken years to get a handle on (thanks Xavier University) I have bleed through my clothes a many of times in public. I have hated myself. I have wanted to end it all. I have hit rock bottom on several occasions. I have thought about having an abortion. I have suffered in silence in depression. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of and that I hid....

But, I am human. I have fallen, been pushed, knocked down on NUMEROUS occasions, but I have now chosen to get BACK UP.

I am here.

And I am loving it!

"Just because it seems like it, doesn't mean it is. Everyone has their share of dirt on their hands, some just know how to blend it in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)


  1. Girl, why are you lying! I thought Louis stole that pair of Nikes. LOLOLOL!!! I'm SO glad that you have thrown pride out the window. I know who you were before your world was shaken & I see who you are now. You are making your way back to that person of old & I know we're never supposed to go backwards, but I'm glad you're turning back into that person. :)

  2. LMBO! You are such a fool..but I love you and I am so glad that you taught me that it was okay to laugh at helped me get through more than the "big ol big ol flakes"

    And you don't know how much these words have warmed my heart cuz I know you don't do mushy or

    I am glad I am finding that the good things "that person" possessed still remained inside of me cuz I thought they had all died with my babies..

    something tells me you are about ready to join me on this strap up