We shouldn't had stayed for awhile....but we did. And now I am sitting here trying to process how so many beautiful moments could be so not right.
There were no writings on the wall to be read; we went down that rabbit hole eyes and hearts wide open, daring to walk that forbidden path. Me believing I could handle it because my heart was really ice ice cold; he, I don't know, I can't speak for him. There was no honor in what I did, even though these new fangled shows would lead you to believe that it's okay to bite the forbidden fruit. It wasn't....
I remember the first time I heard the Best of Me, my whole soul smiled and my mind instantly started thinking of all the fun I had laughing and joking with the person who was unbeknownst to me, thawing my arctic heart. The feeling I felt when his face lit up when he discovered me in a crowded room....Amazing. The feeling I felt when he rang to check on me and Chucky (who by the way is no longer acting like the second coming of Lucifer so we will have to bless him with a new name)...Amazing. The feeling I felt when he willingly gave me his undivided attention...Amazing. The feeling I felt when I sat in his car for the very first time and he went through his playlist and settled on this song...sheepishly looking at me....beyond Amazing; I definitely wanted to stay for awhile. And I wanted him to have the best me.
My heart had been so traumatized at the hands of so many, starting with the folks that brought me into this hateful world. I didn't ever think that I would get to the point where I was truly open to love, open to being vulnerable and trusting someone with all of me, to truly stand bare, naked in front of someone again. I never meant for this to happened. I told myself that the connection I felt with him was because he reminded me so much of who I used to be: caring, giving, looking out for the common man. I told myself that the little hints I thought he was dropping were just in my head. I told myself that I didn't want to travel down this road, not ever again. I told myself that I had too much to lose and so did he. I told myself that everything about him was wrong for me...
I was drawn in by the unspoken. By how safe I felt with him. I found myself telling him my deepest darkest secrets and fears and feeling okay with that. I was hoping to push him away, but it only seemed to draw him in. I knew that we could never have a happy ever after, but that didn't deter me. I knew there was never really going to be a we, but I was still happy. I knew that when it was all said and done, I would be by my lonesome, and still I pressed on. It seemed so natural. I felt so free. Not only was I having fun loving him, I was having a blast loving me.
His love changed me. It healed me. It freed me. That doesn't make what we did right; it just made it worthwhile.
"Sometimes good does come from doing bad, but the good will never outweigh the bad." ~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do....Smooches