Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Lesson Not Learned...
It's been a long time since I have been here. A long time since my mind has sat quietly enough for me to get my thoughts to stop racing. I have been in lust and finally in love, and they both have ended up the same....
with me ALONE.
I think May 2013 I was finally ready and able to let go of the hurt and pain I had sentenced myself to for allowing my babies to die. For allowing myself to be raped. For allowing myself to suffer in silence. It's hard to come to the light when you have become darkness biggest fan, but I was finally there. Finally able to step into the light and allow myself to move on from that spot of perpetually pain and move on from subjecting myself to people who would further punish me by mistreating me.
I was involved with a guy who try as I might to fool myself into loving him, because everybody needed love, I could not. There were fleeting moments but for the most part I just wanted to help him see that his parents probably got a check for him and just didn't tell him. He was nice enough on most days so I wanted to try and make it work, but as my friend quickly pointed out, this was a recipe for disaster. I could not seriously date someone that I thought was autistic so that I could fix him. And she was right cuz on the non-most days he just wound up frustrating me with his one dimension thinking and tunnel vision as that he was the light and everyone else was wrong and in the dark.
Letting him go was relatively easy, which was a shock because even the ones that had treated me badly, I had to go through a process to let go, not him. I started giving him what he gave me, straight foolishness. Not seeing texts or hearing the phone ring. Scheduling dates that I had no intentions of keeping, and pretty soon he saw the writing on the wall and got ghost and I was good. I was standing in the light and I knew what I deserved and he with his digging up his nose and wiping it on his pants was not it. (double ewww)
It's true what they say, when you step out of your way, a whole lot of things can happen for you. So, despite the fact my touch of cancer had started kicking my tail, I was determined to bring my vision board into fruition... I was going to have some financial security and I was going to have love, laughter and I was going to live it up!
Well, I am not sure when it happened or really how it came about, all I know is that one day I looked up and found myself looking forward to interacting with a certain someone. It was weird because I didn't see it coming nor did I plot, plan and maneuver things around to make it happen. It just did when it shouldn't have.
Taboo love is said to be exciting because it is forbidden...this love was exciting because it felt comfortable...it felt old and yes it felt REAL .... yes, I am talking about that real love that makes you wake up and go to sleep smiling....the kind that makes your voice smile when you are talking to one another...I am talking the kind that you instantaneously know that you could build a future with this person...grow old and stay happy.
Yeah I had found that couple of forevers kinda love that needed to be that see you next lifetime kinda love.
What's one to do when love comes a looking for you?
"Chances, Choices, and Consequences:" ~smooches, Gotta Luv Moi cuz I surely do