Thursday, May 13, 2010

ALL I Have Ever Wanted....

For as long as I can remember......

I just wanted someone who was going to be there for me.
Who was going to cherish me and want me.
Who wasn't going to abuse me, mistreat me or harm me in any way.

10 years ago today, I went to the hospital...
Hoping, begging, praying that the fate that befell your brother wouldn't be your fate, too.
Here was my chance to love something, genuinely....and hopefully, in due time,
Get that love back in return.

We won the battle that day but lost the war the very next.....

And since then there has been an indescribable void in my life and I really didn't know what it was. I just went on with my day to day activities as if everything was okay. Stuffing my feelings and my thoughts to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Hell, to make me feel comfortable.

It wasn't until that day I was driving, late at night from ??? I don't remember, but probably doing something to distract me from taking care of the real problem at hand: me and my issues. I was listening to the radio and this song came on and it punched me in my gut. I started sobbing like I had just gotten news that my best friend had died. I had to pull over...I couldn't see through my tears. It took me a minute to realize that it had started to rain. I sat there in my dark car on the side of a dark road, listening to my sobs and the pelt of the rain against my windshield and to the lyrics of this song.....

I had never been moved like that by a song without already being in the moment. It was like my body was telling me, "Luv, we dying...yah gotta find love and quick cuz we about to flatline." And that's what I did. I found some quick love that proved not to be the love I wanted or needed. Yeah he loved making love to me and saying he loved me, but when it really counted, he left me standing in my usual position: ALONE. He wasn't at my graduation party for me to show off like a fur coat. He wasn't there helping me study for the bar or help me navigate through the pressures of the test. He wasn't there when I had to watch my cousin die from breast cancer. He wasn't there when that dude ran the light and crashed my car and almost took my life. He wasn't there when that little boy assaulted my child and flipped our worlds upside down...But he surely was there for the inbetween trying and often getting that good, good loving.

I started the internal process of letting HIM go and choosing to 'be loved' by me even if no one else would, simultaneously. I don't remember what I was doing. I just know I was tired of feeling below the ground. I remember I had untied the knot at the end of my rope and was sliding down. I remember turning on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts that were crowding my head. I remember hearing this song and wondering how someone could know what I felt deep inside. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I phoned my PIC and asked her to google the song and listen to the lyrics and see if she thought it was talking about me... She listened and she started calling out things in my life that had a hold on me, that had damaged me, distorted my view, and was choking the very life out of me...the very same things that had popped in my head when I heard the song and I knew right then, there was hope for me.

So I went ahead and took that first step...

And I have been walking ever since.......

"Today my soul opened up and I cried for that little girl trapped inside of me. I cried for all of the people that have hurt me. I cried for all the people that could not and did not love me. I cried for all the years I have squandered living in shame. I cried for my future that is waiting to be written. I cried because I no longer have to imagine being loved because I am...I prove it to myself everyday. "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)


  1. It's scary isn't it that no matter how much we don't want to we have to go right back to heal from the very beginning of all the pain inflicted on us...I can't face that. It was okay in it's box until my husband left. Good luck in trying to sort through your box and as you said before tears are good, very good. Lots of love to you. XXX
    Oh and I know that coming across a song that seems as though it's been written about you. xx

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  3. @ chic Mama,

    it is scary..but that same fear is what keeps us from progressing to where we need to be. the very things i wanted in my life i was pushing away trying to hide from the things i didn't want. it is hard. it's hard to say no one loved me. it's hard to say i was this i was that..but it's even harder to stay down when your heart, mind and soul wants you to get up and really live. we all cross this bridge when we are took me 10 yrs.

    @chocolate girl..what happened? thanks for stopping by. I am sure whatever you had said or was going to say was right on time

  4. If it ain't one thing, it's another. Just in case you wondering where I been, oh my gosh, been crazy and hectic in my world. Trying to meet deadlines and did it, but it was a journey getting there. I'm still here and around somewhere.

  5. Sistergirl...the Eric Benet song is another of my posts in draft status as I type this. He was speaking to me when he wrote that one.

    My addiction is the same way. He is there inbetween time but never when it matters most. Being used is also a drug. Simply takes longer to identify.

    My heart is with you. Human beings are meant for love. We do crave it, we thrive on it. Wishing you the best on finding a love that fulfills you and enriches you.

  6. Wow! I found your blog through Chele. I like your open expression. Your quotes at the end make me think. Honest and open. Inspiring.

  7. @Queen Bee, hey mama.. yes I have been hoping that intern hadn't done away with Glad to know everything is okay.. as you can see, it's business as usual over here..but i am progressing and i an see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    @Kay C, yes being used is a drug because we often trick ourselves into believing that it is love. But it isn't.. and the sooner we see that someone is only out to get what they can get from us and once the well has run dry, they will leave us high and dry, the better we will be for it.

    it took me a long time to admit that i needed love.. i think i was afraid that i would never get it so i tried to protect myself from getting hurt...on my way now though

    @Shai, welcome to Luv's's plenty of room for yah..come on and have a seat. thank you for your warm compliments..It has been a long time coming but I am truly enjoying this journey.