Thursday, May 27, 2010

Staying in the Moment

Is "Worthy" advice but it's oh, so hard. It seems that life's lessons in love, finances, relationships...etc... always has us looking over our shoulders and wondering: If the grass ain't greener on the other side, why does it look so from my side of the fence. And if he wasn't right for me, why did it feel oh, so good? And if He won't give me more than I can bear, does He have to wait until I am right at that point before He says, 'Enuf?'

I am guilty of longing for the things of the Past, even though they weren't good for me when they were things of my Present, so I know that they shole as heck won't be good for me in my Future, yet, I still long.

I long for my childhood even though it wasn't much of one. I mean if I could do it all over again, I shouldn't because my childhood damaged me beyond compare. But, it's the only one I will ever have so what's a girl to do?

I long for Supa Dave even though in the end he wasn't so super at all. As a matter of fact, outside of the sex, where I did most of the work, it wasn't anything really super about him. I mean he played with my heart and emotions and took for granted my affection. I gave him the best part of me, the only part left that was capable of giving and receiving any type of affection and he took it and discarded it like it was 3 day old stale bread. It wasn't until I read his "friend's" blog that I realized this fool probably got some sick sort of joy from preying on females who had been beaten down by life and were just looking for someone to love them. And even though once the butterflies had left my stomach and my feet were firmly planted on solid ground instead of the clouds, and I could see clearly that I was in love with the man he could be and not the little boy he was, I still wanted to be wrong. I still wanted his love even though I knew his type of love wasn't the love I really wanted and it surely wasn't the love that I needed.

I long for old situations and opportunities...things that could never again be. I sit and contemplate how different my life would be if I shouldda, couldda, wouldda... not realizing that each and every time I do this, I am wasting more of my precious time and missing out on more of my present situations and opportunities. Each day is a blessing waiting to happen.

I know this. My mind knows this, but my heart...... it's stubborn sometimes. Sometimes my heart can't see the possibilities of tomorrow because it's still trying to get over the pain of yesterday. But I am resolved to learn to cut my loses and focus on my winnings, especially since lately I have been getting the house's share.

I am truly enjoying life even in the midst of turmoil. I am loving myself, the good, the bad, and all that falls in-between. This new path of life kinda mirrors my journey with my hair..some of my hair is sprouting out of control without much work needed on my part, other parts are growing but I have to help it along, and then there is a part that I really gots to roll up my sleeves and tend to because it's stubborn and wants to do what it wants to do, and right now it just wants to sit there and not grow.

So, I guess I am really going to have to work on staying in the moment... Staying in the Present so that when I get to my Future which will then be my Present, that I am still not looking back at my new Past saying I shoudda, couldda, wouldda.

"The very things that I am praying for relief from, I am holding on to, then questioning whether He is hearing me. Sometimes it's so hard for me to let go of Yesterday so that I can fully see what Today is bringing so that I can fully appreciate the blessings in store for me Tomorrow. But I have to, NO, I need to because GREATNESS awaits me...and you to."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)


  1. I am so glad I came over to read this today. I've been struggling with just this issue for awhile now. Even picking up the phone this weekend to call the past, but changing my mind just before dialing. I've been praying so hard about so many things, but have felt like He hasn't heard me on this one request to be able to forgive and move on. Accepting His will for my life has been tough, but almost always bearable. However, I'm still struggling to forgive myself for loving someone who couldn't love me, and for doubting I will be able to love so openly again. I think you're right, though. Staying stuck in that past is keeping me from being able to move forward to what God has for me.

  2. Great post. I can't wait to see what lies ahead ... for both of us.

  3. @ Anonymous,

    Unfortunately, a lot of us go thru this...I think one reason is that we try to tell God how it's going to be instead of letting HIM show us how it shall be...and another is becuz we don't talk to our girls or our boys like we should.. we aren't honest with ourselves let along with those in our circle. It's no shame in loving someone who doesn't love you back.. true love is loving someone without the expectation of anything.. God loves us a nd doesn't demand that we love HIM back..we have free will to choose.
    It's also nothing wrong with talking to your Past, when you are good and ready and beyond the emotions.. My Past calls me just about everyday and well..I see right thru him and let him play himself and keep it moving.. I am too fly to deal with anyone's day to day back and forth about what's it going to be when it comes to me!

    Stay strong and prayful...God hears just may be you don't like His Answers.

  4. @Chele Thanks..I am excited and scared at the same time BUT I am determined to see this thru

  5. My reader hasn't been updating posts for some reason....just came to say hello. Hope everything is okay, I see you haven't posted for a while. X