Yup, not quite ready yet, but I am more ready than I have been in a very long time. But, I am still not fine tuned and I ain't afraid to say that I am not courting material just yet. I still need to work on me... AND that's what Luv's going to continue to do.
I want love so bad that I can taste it in my loins...it keeps me up nights sweating, crying and longing. I can feel it cover me, embrace me, caress me....
But, I still don't quite see it, clearly. It is still a haze. I am still undecided about some things and well, when I take that walk down that aisle, I don't want my train to be hiding my baggage that I am dragging behind me. I want to be free as a bird from majority, if not all of the things that have caged me.
I am still not the me that I say I am..and until then, I can not be the me that I need to be for me or for anyone else. But, I am getting better at saying what I mean and meaning what I say. There is less double talk, even to the people that matter the least. I used to give you as much hot air that I could fill your head with, just enough for you to walk away thinking you knew it all when you really knew nothing.
I am speaking my mind with no apologies..unfiltered but not brash. There was a time when I went for the finishing move right off the break. You would send the lobby and I would slam it back to you daring you to hit it back. I was ruthless...I was cold...I was guarded...I was who I needed to be at the time to survive.
I don't need to be her any more. I don't want to be her any more. There is so much more to me than that and the more I love myself the more I know that more changes are necessary in order for me to fully transform.
Not just letting go and letting God. Just letting go period. Letting go of the insecurities that are often self-imposed then superimposed on someone else's opinion of me.
I used to cyberstalk my HIM's page....ain't ashamed..made it easier for me to start catching him in his lies. And believe me there were lies...lots of them. And he still lies but, I have less of a need to prove he is lying, now. It doesn't even matter. He doesn't even matter. I matter. I know that he played me and well I can't change it, so why be ashamed of it. I loved me some him and he, well he loved that I loved me some him and then became frightened by my love because he wasn't in a place to receive it, and he played my face, trying to force my hand to leave.
Relationships are never about the other person. It's always about you and what you need to do to get to a point where you can live with yourself. And right now, I am still easily frustrated when talking to SupaDave and to the others. So this lets me know there are still things I need to come to grips with about myself. And well before this news would depress me...me thinking there is always something and that I ain't never going to get right...but now I embrace it, and welcome it because I can definitely see my growth. I see and feel the love as I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how sexy and beautiful I am.
So, I am still trying on new skins..trying to find that close to perfect fit...and once I find it, I know that I will be ready to receive what God has in store for me. And trust, he won't have to ask me if I am ready...it'll be written all over my face.
"Self love is amazing. The more you love yourself, the more you will remove yourself from people, things and places that are counter-productive to where you need to be. Discoverying who I am has turned out to be a pleasant journey."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)