Monday, February 1, 2010
Musing to Myself
What is your deepest fear, besides fear?
How is it that a four letter word has so much power over you?
It's funny that things that would scare the bejeezbees out of most people, you tackle with ease.
So much progress has been made...
ON THE SURFACE.
However, not much has been made underneath. Underneath you still are cautious of what you say and who you say it to. You still guard your intimate thoughts from those surrounding you. You still let things fester and boil until they explode once you can't take any more.
They say one will continue revisiting a certain trial until the lesson is learned. So what lesson is it that you are missing with Safeway? Why is he still lurking around your door?
Why is it that you are constantly battling with the person you used to be and the person you want to be? You were not happy with the old you because it was so different from the previous you and so far off the mark of the you, you wanted to become....but what now....what's stopping you?
I think it's the fear of being hurt. The fear of failure, of missing the mark. The fear of being misinterpreted and misunderstood. The fear of being totally exposed. The fear of letting myself down again.
I crave love, like the flowers crave rain. I have been searching for it for what seems like my entire life. I remember that I always hooked up with dudes less than because well, I never really had any reasons to expect for it to last and therefore was never shocked when it ended. I always looked for the bad boys, the outcasts, the misfits...the one time I took a chance on a NICE GUY well look how it ended. I let him in...all the way in...I loved him more than I knew I was capable of loving....I changed for him, for me because I wanted to keep him, wanted to make him happy...I wanted to be happy. And it turns out that it's true, your family and love ones can hurt you worse than anybody else.
I am still confused about why he did the things that he did...when we are together, it still feels so magical, so cinderella-ish. But, I am not searching for answers, I am searching for ways to pay him back, to hand him his heart on a platter, to break him down and make him live the life of never trusting another soul, of never wanting anyone else to get close to him. I am looking to give Karma a ride on my back.
The old me is rejoicing and is plotting and planning. The me in progress is not so thrilled. She just wants some clarity on the situation. She wants to know why he is so concerned all of a sudden...so attentive...so like he was when we first met. She wants to know what he gains from collecting broken hearts. From hurting her, me, them other girls.
Why am I so afraid to be loved...to let someone else in...I mean there is a 50/50 chance it will go well and a 50/50 chance that history will repeat itself. Why am I so resistant to change and personal growth when it is on somebody else's time-table and not by my watch?
I mean being in this rut these past 10 years has not gotten me anywhere. I have very lil to show for it but what I do have to show for it, speaks volumes to my character, to my resilience, to my determination to keep trying until my visions are tangible.
But, I still feel like I am that little hamster on the metal-wheel-around thinking I am gaining on something when I really am rotating around the same madness.
"Life lessons shape us, mode us, and form us into better than before people, when we step past the fear and allow life to do it's thing."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)