Monday, June 6, 2016
Same Ole Stuff...Just A Different Day
Today I am grateful because I am moving out of my fog and though it pains me to accepts the things that I have to come to terms with, I know that HE loves me.
I feel like I'm Here should be on repeat because I am truly moving into my season of living despite all the blows that I have taken on my chin, to the side of my head and in my gut.
I have been spending my days cyber-lurking these last couple of days trying to piece together how he
died was killed and one thing is for sure, he was doing the SAME thing now at 41 that he was doing when I was 17: running game, lying, and spreading his seed. Nothing like a family reunion of BMs on the Book to make you count your blessings. Like I could have been one of them engaging in the following convo:
Me: Hey yall
BM2: Who you?
Me: I'm Luv Lil Raeraeandthem Mama
BM3: How old is yo child?
BM4: Yes how old is yo child?
BM2-4: Mine too.
And it is definitely true that when you know better that you do better and that with age should come wisdom and maturity not to do the things you did as a child...it's just sooooo sad when those that you love and used to kick it with and ride with and fo', don't get the memo. When you get a glimpse of someone's life and they still doing the same thing with no progression. Just sad.
Oh trust, I know all about being trapped in a moment in time and I thank Jah for releasing me from the grips of depression and allowing me to find a reason to push through the pain and for the drive to always want better for myself so I could do better by those coming behind me.
Hearing folks talk about Teddy and the grief he is giving the Marys reminds me of how I longed for him to love me. To want me. To validate me. To light something inside of me that would give me the courage to stand when he was with his crew instead of cower under cars and sliding into lockers. How I thought he was the greatest thing next to a Mr. Goodbar and and...
How this fool can't even keep it in his pants while being married to a well known gospel singer, so glad that isn't my reality playing out on the tube.
I saw my HIM the other day. Y'all remember good ole let me move your car so you won't have that far to walk when you get off late. Mr. let me write poems and songs for and about you all the while I spread evil lies bout you, HIM. Well he looks like life hasn't been too kind to him. And being the aspiring rapper that he is, I am sure he has heard the line about Karma.
And every time I think about my lil Michael Jackson and his 15 or is it 17 kids, I just nearly faint. Even though I hope that I am still the Golden Child, I can't fathom why I had a knack for picking the guys who like to procreate.
Some of these dudes, made me bitter. Made me hate all men. Made me doubt myself. Caused me a lot of pain.
But honey, when I take inventory of how much worse it could had been had God not stepped in and said No ~ Not right now and not ever, I can't help but say thank you Jah for not allowing me to take that bullet head on. Thanks for allowing it to only pierce my armor slightly before having it deflect off.
That could have been my life!!! So glad that it's not.
There is a blessing and a lesson in the word and sentence "No."
Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches