I am very disappointed in myself.
In my life.
In my decisions.
As long as I can remember, all I wanted to do was get as far away from home as I possibly could.
I wanted to go out into the world and start over - start fresh. I wanted to make me a new family - a real family so that I could stop borrowing my friends. (Hi Byrds, Regalados, Russells, Lawsons, Mitchells, Boultons, Wilsons, Tracys, Moses, Roberts, Tangs, Hamodehs) You know, one that was less dysfunctional than mine.
Now I know all families have their problems....BUT, there's still some loyalty, some affection, some love, some other feelings besides hate, sadness, misery and disconnect.
Yeah, leaving home was supposed to be my "get out of jail free card," my "do-over," my chance at happiness.
The thing about running is this~once you start, you may never stop. It's kinda like tellling a lie~ you gotta keep telling them to cover for the first one you told.
So, I left and never really looked back. Sure, I glanced over my shoulder, checked my rear-view to see if my Past was gaining on me ~ BUT, I never did an aboutface to assess the situation...to sort through the madness...to allow myself to heal or to breathe.
Fast forward 15 years later and guess what - those issues, situations, problems I was running from are staring at me from my driver's seat. They have been
running ruining my life for some time now.
I watched my father beat my mother.
I watched my mother mace my father.
I watched my father abuse my siblings.
I watched my father abuse me.
I helped plot my father's death (my brother's have chicken livers for hearts which is the only reason that my father draws air today).
My father cheated on my mother several times.
Family members stole from our house on several ocassions.
My father cut the head off of my Incredible Hulk bank and took out over $2000 that he spent on booze ( money I had been saving...none of which came from him).
I saw the aftermath of my father being stabbed in his head by his brother.
I watched on numerous ocassions as my Grandmother pitted brother against brother, cousin against cousin, husband against wife.
My own mother set me up so that my father could confront me after I moved out to escape any further abuse by him.
How do you move on from all of that chaos, stress, dysfunction if you never come to terms with it?
This is why inadvertantly I had allowed my Past to impact my present and shape my future. No longer.
Everyday I get up and take a sledgehammer to the walls around me. No time for babysteps...I've wasted enough time.
"In the shake of a quake, I will not fall, that's how strong my love is (A. Keys)....Love, through it, all things are possible for God is love. Sometimes when you are going through it, and through it, and through it, you tend to forget that you don't have to do it alone. God is always there, willing and able to handle any problem....Question is, will you let HIM?"
Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)