Sunday, January 3, 2010
Breaking the Silence and the Cycle
It's bound to be painful...
whether I let it all gush out at once or let it slowly seep out.
and though some things won't be pleasant, at times they will make me and you uncomfortable......
BUT THEY NEED TO BE SAID; THEY NEED TO BE ADDRESSED
And it goes without saying that sometimes the only way we can heal is to have reached rock bottom.
For us to have tried all of of concoctions in our head that we believe will work and have them all fail miserably before we are able to recognize that we need help. And to seek that help.
Sometimes I think that I would have been better off if I would have died on May 15, 2000. I mean my already unsteady world exploded around me. I died on the inside and the lil bit of sanity I had been holding on to for a raining day, disappeared.
All of my decisions became one of uncertainty. My mind never found peace because it was constantly scrutinizing every decision I had made throughout the course of the day. Should I have eaten those 2 hot fudge brownie sundaes... should I work here or there..should I have signed the lease.. should I buy the property.. did I do good by giving him my number...she's real, no, no...she's fake, no she's real..um maybe she's real and fake.
And typically when I had decided that she was fake she turned out to be real...and when I thought she/he was real they turned out to be more bogus than Bush's concern for the Katrina victims.
My decision to open up my home to someone who then decided to take advantage of my kindness by violating me has damaged me. It has made me question every decision I have made since then...but no longer.
I cannot constantly let my day be consumed with replaying something I did 10-12 hours prior. It is time to free my mind of the unnecessary drama.
Broken the cycle of indecisiveness, procrastination, and non-action.
They say to keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..
Well, I have kept everyone at arm's length as of late (except the Faithful 10)
I just don't have time? energy? the use for? I don't know what it is....I just don't like wasting time or dealing with fake people or unnecessary situations. So, I typically just cut people off. Man, woman, babe, child, friend, family, foe. It really didn't matter. So, as it stands, I haven't talked to my Grandma or my brother in almost ten years.... that's a long time. There are friends that I have just wiped out of my life as well. I don't call and check up on my parents or my siblings because I really don't care, but I should care...shouldn't I?
Harboring grudges and resentment has made the space that I had available to love and accept love very cramped....no longer.
People are people and we are bound to step on one another toes and hearts but LOVE CAN COVER ANYTHING...so I forgive them and the other people who I let in who secretly plotted and prayed for my downfall...who talked about my child being an embarrassment...who kicked me when I was down and written me off as being nothing..I forgive you because you saw in me what I had failed to see: Stuntin ain't easy and you'll never be as great as me!
Broken: taken account and keeping record of all those who have wronged me (and to prove it, I have agreed to raise my niece for a little while. I probably have had 4 conversations with my sister over the last 8 years and when she asked me to help, I said yes without hesitation...life goes on)
I am afraid of unsafe heights, of being a piss poor mother, of never reaching my full potential, of never being funny, pretty, or smart enough. I am afraid of never finding love that will not leave.
Sometimes this fear paralyzes me and causes me to do things to destroy an uncomfortable situation for me versus having to face the situation head on.
So instead of waiting to see where love was going to end up...I pushed love into the arms of another so that I wouldn't have to deal with love choosing on its own...no longer
I may not know really what love is but I do know that I long for it and that I deserve it and that the next time it finds me, I am going to embrace it
Broken: denying love
I will edit this later...this has emotional drained me... so pardon typos and whatnots
"Trust is as fragile as a man's ego...once broken, it's hard to repair."
Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)