But I wasn't able to because I could not get on the internet.....
Because I bootleg...you know pirate the internet....you know use any and all unsecured network I can find. On some days, I am very fortunate because I am able to use SamePlace's network. But most of the time SP's network isn't strong enough for me to use unless I'm up at the crack of dawn.....
You know, I also bootleg my cable so I can't get any movie channels....(but, I did report that I was getting free cable and Comcast just laughed at me)
I don't remember a lot about my last attempt at flexing my "permanent student" muscle, BUT, I do distinctly remember a convo I had with one of my Lifesavers.
"Hey, yo, you know I tried watching the Ultimate Hustla last night and couldn't."
"Really, why, is it that bad...I heard it was actually pretty decent."
"Becuz I already know the Ultimate Hustla...It wasn't nothing that they had to do that you ain't done...and done better with less resources. I don't know how you do what you do but you get your hustle on."
I'm sure Cherry meant what he said as a compliment but somehow his words stung. They hit me right in my gut. I don't know if it was because he was affluent and I was a floating. I just know that I walked away feeling a lot less bouncy.
Recently I was thinking about some of my older blog posts and thinking about how much I had grown...how much I had stayed the same in other areas...and just how different I was trying to become. Yeah, when I was speaking the Truthz and nothing but the Truthz, I was doing it from a different place. I was so hurt. I was so lost. I was so dismal. I know I said that Sum Tymes I Wanted to Cry, but in reality, it was all the time. But the funny thing was, I rarely did...
I thought that if I cried that would be the end all to be all...that it would show defeat. Show that I was weak. Beaten. Down and out. But the reality was it didn't matter if I cried or not....just like it didn't matter that I hid my heart....you cannot escape life. It will find you.
So, I was here just thinking and refreshing and refreshing,
It's time for me to grow the heck up.
It's time for me to get my grown lady on. And not just when I am flossing to go see Lutha (*tear*), a Tyler play, or some other event where I am able to push pass the madness and let my outter Diva show.
If I want a different outcome, I need to do things differently. Like I need to pay my bills on time. I need to get a reliable phone. I need to pay for internet. (lawd, yes, I said it..notice I did not say pay for cable, cuz I don't watch t.v. all like that). I need to stop trying to figure out how to make it on $0.15 (yes, a dime and a nickel) and start figuring out how to get that $1 to live on.
It's like that boot. Yeah, it serves it's purpose BUT it's not pretty to look at. And since it's already so dang ol' muddy, you are more apt to go out of your way to step in more mud then to avoid it. I mean, it's already dirty, why not.
Today I am turning in my moonshine license...taking my boots to the sink...laying my bootlegremedies to rest for I can't fully LUV myself if I am constantly dodging people and looking for hookups.
"Sometimes you gotta make it do what it do...but when this sometimes turns into all of the times, it may be time for you to do something differently. It's really true, change starts from within."