Saturday, April 24, 2010

Random Thoughts

I loved you even before I laid eyes on you. I loved you the moment I knew there was a you. I loved you more than I knew was possible. I loved you long after you were gone. And I still love you even though I never really mourned. I love you even though I will never understand....

I have tried and I have failed. That proud, strong woman crap runs deep in my veins. Instead of crying I walk around re-playing everything in my head. Replaying the bus ride...the doctor's visit...the pool of blood...the would be circus event *over my dead body*..I remember the pain..i remember rolling back and forth in the stretcher..I remember my resolve to fight for the baby that was left in me. In retrospect, I see that I really am one tough cookie. I didn't flinch. I starred death in its face and was okay with it.

I will cry. I must..I just don't know when. I did a little and then my child started to stir, and well that was the end of that. I have some unfinished cleaning to do (please don't judge me unless you gonna come help me)

My QUACK is the best! If he wasn't so metro sexual and wasn't my quack I might have considered letting him court me if I had met him on the street instead of in his, um chair. But I can still um fantasize...pole...chair..quack.. um, #fail he would try and psycho-analyze my pole technique, can't have that.

Well, if I continue eating the way I have been this week, I am surely gonna have to cry cuz I won't be able to squeeze into any of my clothes. It is what it is, just know that I am sad but I am not stopping, I am not discouraged, I am in a better space than I have been in a long time.

"Sometimes we hold on to things thinking that they are the things that make us strong when in reality, they are what are making us weak. We do not have to hold on to pain or tears to validate our experiences, or to shield, protect our image. Jesus wept and he felt pain and he is the GREATEST and STRONGEST to ever walk the earth."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do *smooches*


  1. havent been on in a while but your blogs are truly inspirational!!! god bless you!

  2. Who's judging because you have to clean! Here's my motto on that concerning my house: If you see it need cleaning, then clean it. They can have three choices, either pick it up, shut up or go home.

  3. @chocolate girl,

    thanks so much and welcome back..i had been missing you.

    @ Queen,

    you know that is has gotten to the point i just tell just push that over a little if you want to sit down.. now trust that the bedroom and bathroom are spotless

  4. Hey Lady! Apologies for my lack of visits; as you read, my life isn't exactly what it was and I'm muddling my way through back to back adverse events.

    I applaud your continued ability to forge on and make sense of what doesn't always seem to make sense.

    It's all possible!

  5. @ Blu Jewel,

    Don't sweat it..I am glad that you are as well as you can be considering what has happened. We all go through it..some of us are just more honest about it than others.

    Thank you for your kind words.. It is all possible with God.

    Now let's both continue this FAITH walk with Him!

  6. I certainly know that re-playing of events well. xx